Subject: funny poem!!

>  Here is a small sample on US life.
>  Life in America can be so confusing sometimes!
>   
>          
`>  Many, many years ago
>         When I was twenty-three,
>         I got married to a widow, pretty as could
> be. 
>         This widow had a grown-up daughter
>         With flowing hair of red.
>         My father fell in love with her,
>         And soon the two were wed.
> This made my dad my son-in-law
>         And changed my very life.
>         Now my daughter was my mother,
> For she was my father's wife.
> To complicate the matters worse,
>         Although it brought me joy.
> I soon became the father
> Of a bouncing baby boy.
> My little baby then became
> A brother-in-law to dad.
>         And so became my uncle,
>         Though it made me very sad.
> For if he was my uncle,
>         Then that also made him brother
> To the widow's grown-up-daughter
>         Who, of course, was my stepmother.
>        
>         CONFUSED???!!!..
>         Relax... Go ahead..
> 
> 
> Father's wife then had a son,
>         Who kept them on the run.
> And he became my grandson,
> For he was my daughter's son,
> My wife is now my mother's mother
>         And it makes me blue.
>         Because, although she is my wife,
>         She is my grandma too.
>         If my wife is my grandmother,
>         Then I am her grandchild.
>         And every time I think of it,
> It simply drives me wild.
> For now I have become
>         The strangest case you ever saw.
>         As the husband of my grandmother,
> I am my own grandpa!
>  
> Anonymous fellaw..!!!




The Eleventh Commandment

Last week, God, Jesus, the Pope, Billy Graham, Moses and the angel 
Gabriel, had a very important meeting. They were troubled by the
President of the United States' inappropriate behavior. They decided that
the only viable course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to
get their message across to him.

The problem they faced was how to word this new commandment so that it
equalled the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great
meditation and discussion, they concluded that Number 11 should read: 

"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.

)




                        The Sex Life of an Electron

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to get a cute
little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a
ride on his megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the
sine wave, and into a magnetic field next to a flowing current.

Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curve, soon had her
field fully excited and he couldn't resistor. He laid her on the ground
potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his
high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit
her shunt.

Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, "Mho, Mho. Give me Mho!"

"Ohmigod, this is good," shouted Micro. With his tube at maximum output and
her coil vibrating from current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat.

The excess heat had gotten her shunt pretty hot and Micro's capacitance was
rapidly discharging, ... draining off every electron. They fluxed all night,
trying various connections and sockets until Micro's bar magnet had lost all
of it's field strength.

Afterward, Millie tried self-inductance and damaged her solenoid. But it
didn't phasor. With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to
excite his transformer. So they ended up by reversing polarity, and blowing
each other's fuses.


Subject: MY ASS

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are
currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year
2000 complaint. The program is referred to as the "Millennium Year Application
Software System". (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 a.m. there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to
everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that
all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the
status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the
networking aspects, so currently, only one person at a time can use MYASS.
This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it.
Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised
to find he had his nose buried in MYASS.
I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of
MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program,
I had a secretary say, "I'm a little nervous. I've never put anything into
MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we
were through, she admitted it was relatively painless and she was actually
looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using
SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus found in MYASS upon initial
installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we
were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required
prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information
associated with the business.
So, as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into
MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be common place
to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say,
"here, stick this in MYASS." This program has already demonstrated great
benefit to the company. In a recent audit, an employee was asked where he had
secured the numbers on the report. He proudly exclaimed, "I just pulled them
out of MYASS." 


This bunch is for those who had a nightmare during their Engineering

Vivas. They bring back fond memories for those who care to smile at the past

**********************************************************

Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in

A.C.as compared to D.C. ?

Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and

requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

--------------

Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?

Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If it

gets stuck, it was DC.

--------------

Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?

Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor

around,and put back the bolts.

--------------

Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?

Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)

Interviewer: Stop! Stop!

Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

--------------

Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?

Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.

--------------

External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC To

pass through ?

Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC Comes

straight,like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes

UP,DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"

--------------

Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"

Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."

Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"

Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in

a pit?"

Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is

installed on the ground?"

(student knows he is caught-can't answer)

Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"

Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"

--------------

The surest sign that intelligent life exists on other planets is that

they have'nt tried contacting us so far!!

> A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
> birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after
> careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike
> the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
>
> Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
> Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.
>
> The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the
> wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
> gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
> contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
> sweetheart with the following note:
>
> I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
> wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
> your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons,
> but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
>
> These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
> showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks
> and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and
> she looked really smart.
>
> I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no
> doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a
> chance to see you again.
>
> When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting
> them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
>
> Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
> year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my
> love.
>
> P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
> fur showing."


Question : What is the height of
> > Globalization?
> > > > > > > Answer : Princess Diana ...How???
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > An English princess
> > > > > > > with an Egyptian boyfriend
> > > > > > > crashes in a French tunnel
> > > > > > > driving a German car
> > > > > > > with a Dutch engine,
> > > > > > > driven by a Belgian driver,
> > > > > > > who was high on Scottish whiskey,
> > > > > > > followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
> > > > > > > treated by an American doctor,
> > > > > > > using Brazilian medicines, dies!   




India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock. 

                    Bihar sold to Pakistan; literacy soars up to 86% in
India 

                    Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of
Family Planning. 

                    Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians


                    MF Hussian paints Mulayam Singh Yadav nude 

                    Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst 

                    India wins Gold in India versus Rest of India Games 

                    Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality
Software 

                    Laloo to be made National Animal 

                    Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commemorate 50
years of
                    Independence. 

                    Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from Rice,
Water, a stick and
                    some 
                    Pottasium Permanganate 

                    No bombings in Kashmir today 

                    Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of
Panipat, 1526 

                    Ray of hope for India as Ravi Shastri retires 

                    Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2
months in Jail 

                    Death penalty upheld for Attempted Suicide victim


Some interesting answers to "Why did the Chicken cross the road?" 

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please... 

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother? 

Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. 

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me? 

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

L.A Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out. 

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 

Hemingway: To die. In the rain. 

Colonel Sanders: I missed one? 


The Old Dilapidated Boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated
boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his
boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He
spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of
the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died
suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for
John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel
terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said,  "Hell no!
Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had
a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like
crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and
she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.



US Highway 22 
The highway patrolman sported a car driving dangerously slow on a 
much-traveled freeway. He pulled it over and found the driver to 
be an elderly lady with four other older women as passengers. 

"Lady," said the officer, "your slow driving is almost as 
dangerous as speeders. You need to try to keep the speed limit." 

"But I always keep the speed limit," replied the lady. "I was 
doing the speed limit when you stopped me." 

The officer asked, "What do you think the limit is on this road?" 

The dear old lady said, "I just a moment ago saw the sign, U.S. 
Highway 22." 

"But lady," warned the officer, "that is the highway number, not 
the speed limit" 

The lady was very apologetic and, of course, no ticket was given. 
The officer noticed that all the passengers seemed pale and had a 
frightened look in their eyes. As he turned to leave the car, 
wondering if his presence had been the problem, he turned again 
and said to the driver, "Ma'am, are you sure all your passengers 
are OK?" 

"Oh, they will be in a few moments," she said, "we just turned 
off Highway 120." 


More Man-Bashing

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger
in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

What's the difference between men and government
bonds?
Bonds mature.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
They're married.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed
and go to the fridge.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his
brainpower?
A widower.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.




One Hundred Dollars From God

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an
unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God.

He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed
because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold
and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some
divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal
workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to
her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on
another envelope. He opens it and reads:

"Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have
been so bleak otherwise.

"P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those
thieving bastards at the Post Office."


> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>A language instructor was explaining to her class
> > > that French
> > > >> >nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are
> > > grammatically
> > > >> >designated as masculine or feminine. Things like
> > > "chalk" or
> > > >> >"pencil," she described, would have a gender
> > > association.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >For example: House is feminine "la" maison. In
> > > English, of
> > > >> >course, words are of neutral gender.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked,
> > > "What gender
> > > >> >is a computer?"
> > > >> >
> > > >> >The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so
> > > divided the class
> > > >> >into two groups and asked them to decide if a
> > > computer should be
> > > >> >masculine or feminine. One group was composed of
> > > the women
> > > >> >in the class, and the other of men.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >Both groups were asked to give four reasons for
> > > their
> > > >> >recommendation.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >The men decided that computers should definitely
> > > be referred to
> > > >> >in the feminine gender (la) because:
> > > >> >
> > > >> >1. No one but their creator understands their
> > > internal logic.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >2. The native language they use to communicate
> > > with other
> > > >> > computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in
> > > long-term memory for
> > > >> > later retrieval.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you
> > > find yourself
> > > >> > spending half your paycheck on accessories for
> > > it.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >The group of women, however, concluded that
> > > computers should be
> > > >> >referred to in the masculine (le) gender
> > > because:
> > > >> >
> > > >> >1. In order to get their attention, you have to
> > > turn them on.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >2. They have a lot of data but are still
> > > clueless.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >3. They are supposed to help you solve your
> > > problems, but half
> > > >> > the time they ARE the problem.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize
> > > that, if you had
> > > >> > waited a little longer, you could have had a
> > > better model
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>

> > >A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday to have dinner with her
> > >parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boy-
> > >friend that after dinner, she would like to make love for the first time.
> > >Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
> > >trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy 
> >for
> > >about an hour. He tells the boy about condoms and sex. At the register, 
> >the
> > >pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or a
> > >family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will
> > >be quite busy. that night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house 
> >and
> > >meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my
> > >parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner 
> >table
> > >where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
> > >and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
> > >with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
> > >Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally 
> >leans
> > >over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
> > >religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father
> > >was a pharmacist."

Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was 
 
surprised to see an amputee.  "Look at yourself," the madam 
 
said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do?"
 
The smiling amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


Question: How do you kill an Pakistani?
 
Answer: Sneak up on him while he's getting a drink of water, 
 
then slam the toilet seat on his head


There was a fellow who had never been to bed with a woman, 
 
so two of his friends decided to play a trick on him. They 
 
bought an inflatable love doll and put it into his bed. Then 
 
called him at work and told him the girl of his dreams was 
 
home in bed and ready for anything.
 
The next day his friends asked him how things had gone. 
 
"Very strange," he replied. "I slipped out of my clothes and 
 
got in beside her. She was cold, so I tried to warm her up. 
 
Then I bit her on the neck, but she just farted a few times and flew out of the window!!!!!



A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a 
 
lady with a small and extremely ugly baby on her lap. 
 
"Lady," the conductor said, "that is by far the ugliest baby 
 
I have ever seen."
 
The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began 
 
screaming at him, and demanded that her money be refunded 
 
and the conductor be fired.
 
The head conductor then came into the car and tried to 
 
smooth things over.
 
"Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this 
 
matter, I'll see that you get the best treatment possible, 
 
I'll give you your money back, and I'll even try to find you 
 
a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours


Subject: Design Flaw!!
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >
> >> >>Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St.
> >> >>Peter greets Ford, and
> >> >>tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and
> >> >>your invention...the assembly
> >> >>line for the automobile...changed the world. "
> >> >>
> >> >>As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven
> >> >>you want."
> >> >>
> >> >>Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out
> >> >>with God Himself."
> >> >>
> >> >>So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne
> >> >>Room
> >> >>and introduces him to God.
> >> >>Ford then asks God, - "When you invented Woman, what
> >> >>were You thinking?"
> >> >>God asks, "What do you mean?"
> >> >>
> >> >>"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws
> >> >>in your invention:
> >> >>1. There's too much front end protrusion.
> >> >>2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
> >> >>3. Maintenance is extremely high.
> >> >>4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
> >> >>5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28
> >> >>days.
> >> >>6. The rear end wobbles too much.
> >> >>7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
> >> >>8. The headlights are usually too small.
> >> >>9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
> >> >>      Just to name a few."
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes
> >> >>over to the Celestial
> >> >>Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits
> >> >>for the results. In no time
> >> >>the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
> >> >>
> >> >>God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my
> >> >>invention is flawed, but
> >> >>according to these statistics, more men are riding my
> >> >>invention than yours.
> >> >>



A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends 
 
after the first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to 
 
find out what the problem was. The doctor asked her to take 
 
off her clothes and lie on the examining table. He checked
 
her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked her to roll over 
 
and spread her ass. After checking her asshole and again 
 
finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could 
 
examine her mouth.
 
Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the 
 
worst case of Zacklies I've ever seen!"
 
"Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?"
 
"Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!"



Two men were walking in the park when they came upon this 
 
dog that had bent itself into a weird position and was 
 
licking its balls. One man said, "Gee! I wish I could do 
 
that." The other man replied, "I think you better get to be 
 
friends first." 



A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las
 
Vegas and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened
 
at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk chorus girl
 
banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
 
"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any
 
sleep?"   "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and
 
let her out," the gambler laughed.




