the_fic

PPC: Department for Elf Protection (DEP)
The fic

In pretty little boxy things, with no HMTL, 'cos I'm not that clever. And biggee thank'ee to m'darling VIYA!!! The greatest beta-reader of 'em all... **Ish attacked by all over beta-readers** Uhh... well, deffinatly one of the, uh, top *thirty* beta-readers of our, uh, time... *See Bridget Jones's Diary*

Chapter One: A Sue that was Killed

[Disclaimer:  The Sues are from �A Gem that was Lost� and �Returning Star� by ElvenPrincessSapphire.  We disown them!  Grr.  Also, Tolkien�s wonderful world of Middle-Earth does not belong to us, and of course, the original PPC belongs to Jay and Accacia.  All hail the last three names!  �Specially our great Tolkien.]

PPC: Department for Elf Protection (DEP)

By Megan and Elanor

In a library, somewhere in England, two girls sat.  One, the oldest, by about five months, was "comfortably" built (meaning over weight) with dirty blonde hair down to her waist.  The other was eighteen, medium height, and slim with shoulder length dark hair, with blonde streaks.

"Oh gods."  Elanor, the older one, said, rolling her eyes.

"What?"  Asked Megan, *her* eyes not moving from the computer screen.

"A whole, entire, packed full *page* of Sues.  Look."  The short girl pointed a stubby finger at the computer, displaying a Lord of the Rings fan fiction page.

"A *page*?"  Megan repeated, although she did not look.

"I swear it.  A page."  Dramatically she threw her hands in the air and gestured at the screen.  "What have we done to deserve this?  What have the bloo- silly *elves* done to deserve this?  They need protection of some kind, or something." Elanor sighed.  "I give up.  I truly do.  Oh, did that sound camp?  I hope it did.  It�s so hard to be a girl and be camp."  Megan, who had got used to Elanor�s random talking, turned her attention back to the fiction she was reading.  "I�m going job hunting."

"That�s good."

And so it began.

~	*	~

A week later found Megan marching down a corridor in the Department for Elf Protection, PPC headquarters, dragging a large box, carrying twenty or so posters scrolled under each arm.  As she walked she counted the doors that she went past.  "Sixty seven, sixty eight, this one . . .?"  Listening outside the door for a few seconds helped Megan to decide that it was *not* that particular door.  Elanor tended not to shout out: "Periods!  What is it with these gods damned authors, if they can be called that, and no *periods*!"  Holding posters tighter she knocked on the next door with her forehead.  There was a loud crash.

"Shi-*sugar*."

Megan smiled.  That was Elanor.  "Elanor?  Open the door!  I don�t have enough hands."

There was a few seconds silence, a couple of muffled curses, and then Elanor opened the door.  When she saw Megan she sighed.  "Got �nuff posters?"

Megan elbowed Elanor out of the way so she could see what Elanor had done to their office.  It was a small one, which was not surprising at the rate the DEP had been expanding.  Elanor hadn�t done much; put up a few shelves, stuck up her selection of posters and printed pictures, and set up a few candles.  And a mattress with bedding in the corner.

"A bed?"

Elanor shrugged.  "So?"

"Are those shelves safe?"

"I�m insulted.  Y�know I passed DT with an A."

"So.  Don�t mean you can put up shelves."

"Yes they are.  And I left enough space for your books."

"Good."  Megan dumped her things in the small space in the centre of the room.  "Hmm. . .  I think you�re going to have to cut down on posters.  Let me see now . . ." Megan began to sort her belongings in to piles.  "Had time to explore?"

"Yup.  We�re �bout the only English people here.  Which means we�re going to have to learn American.  Did you know period meant full stop?"

"Does it?"

"I dunno.  I guessed from what I heard."

"I still can�t believe that you managed to get us a job here."  Megan started to unroll her collection of posters and stick them up.

"It�s called knowing where to look."  Elanor muttered as she lit a stick of incense.  "Nothing to do with begging to be offered a job, honest."  She said even quieter.

"Oh dam-" Megan tripped over something.  "You brought your bow?"  She asked on discovering what it was that had tripped her.

"They have a shooting range.  Anyway, you know the rules," Elanor waved to a list of them on the wall.  "I thought it might come in handy."

"Bingeley-bingeley beep!"

Megan jumped at the sudden noise, dropping the Legolas poster that she had been sticking up.  Elanor, who had read of the Discworld, and was quicker on the uptake, paled.  "Oh gods . . ."

"This is your Sue alerter, preset at 'friendly imp.'  Welcome to PPC�s Department for Elf Protection!  We hope you will enjoy working for us, insert names here.  Please dress in the uniforms laid out for you and prepare for your first job."

Elanor threw Megan a set on clothes that she had laid on a shelf.  "Here."

Megan held green trousers and top against herself.  There was an Alfirin flower embroidered on the left sleeve.

"Ooh, pretty flower, and its green, yayness!"  Megan squealed.  "Is there anywhere to change?"

Elanor blushed.  "Uh . . . That would be a negative.  I�ll turn around, shall I?"

"Yeah go on then. what�s this story like that we�re working on?"

Elanor turned to check the computer whilst Megan got changed.  "Duh-duh-duh-duh.  Um . . .  'A Gem that Was Lost.'  Oh gods.  It already sounds bad."

"Where? Let me see." Megan had finished getting changed and turned to the computer,

"Ouch. Has this author never heard of spell check? Its not that hard to use."

Megan glared.  "I�ve only been looking at it for a couple of seconds and I�ve already got a headache.  She needs to double-space!"

"Ready?"

"Uh-huh, shall we be elves?"

Elanor nodded in agreement.  "To Middle-Earth!"  She cried.  There was a flurry of activity as they grabbed the tools of the trade (chocolate, weapons, and sleeping bags) and climbed through the portal, before a last cry of:

"Damnit!  I left the incense burning!"  Was heard, and the portal closed.

~	*	~

Megan and Elanor landed painfully in a large tree in Mirkwood.  They had little time to recover before a booming voice started to sound through the air.

"Welcome to 'A Gem That Was lost' It�s a stupid . . ."

"Turn the bl-damn sound down, for Kurt�s sake!"  Elanor screamed back.

"Hush."  Megan said, nudging her.  "Not seen by anyone, �member?"

"No canon characters in southern Mirkwood."

"Yes, but doesn�t the Sue live in here? She could see us."

"That�s the point. We�ll join her and Legolas, say we were sent from Thranduil to go with them or something, as extra protection."

"Doesn�t it say that Legolas will be with Thranduil?"

"Yah, but then there�s naught more �bout him, so I guess he dies along the way, or somat."

"Fair enough. Honestly, what is the point of mentioning someone only to have them vanish in the next sentence?"

"I don�t know, Megan, but I doubt we will ever understand Mary Sue writers."

"Oh!  The Author has finally finished her conversation with 'Leggy'!"

"Finally being the truest word in the sentence."

"At a guess, I would say that that large palace up ahead, which should really be an evil looking tower considering we are in southern Mirkwood, is the home of our lovely Sue. What�s her name again?"

"Spphire Forester, apparently.  I would guess she means Sapphire, and thus �A Gem that Was Lost.�  How original. And elven."

The two Elf-protectors made their way to the palace, which was so badly described it was shimmering in mid-air, almost as if it didn�t want to exist.  Which was actually quite likely.  Not only do sue-ified characters try to rebel, Middle-Earth does too.

"So, according to the words, Spphire should be writing an extremely sap filled diary entry right now about how she was captured by orcs but somehow managed to survive living with them. Despite the fact that that would have killed rather quickly. Funny that."

Elanor started to jump to look in windows.  Luckily (although possibly due to the lack of imagination employed in the fanfiction) there was only one story of the building.  "Here we are."  She said, stopping.  "One Elven-Sue with . . . Blue streaks?  Blue?  Sodding?  Streaks?"  Elanor ground her teeth together.  "Can we kill her now?  Think of all the trouble it�ll save."

"Much as I would love to agree, I think we need a few more charges than having blue streaks.  Although, she also has blue black eyes, apparently."

"Dark blue black eyes.  Maybe an orc punched her in the face.  Go it."

"Well, pretty soon she should finish writing about how her father was trying to marry her off, despite the fact that elves don�t have arranged marriages. And I never heard of an elf called James, either. It must be a special brand of elf names to go with Spphire. And do elves actually have pants? I could have sworn it was breeches."

"Yup.  What happens now?  I think this is in the future.  Which could mean . . ."

There was a loud pop as the world around them changed to several years previous.

"Ow.  Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow."  Elanor complained.  "Remind me next time we have a time-changing Sue to bring some aspirin."

"Will do. So how long are we in this time period for?"

Elanor didn�t even have time to answer before a second pop was heard and they were transferred back to where they had started.

"Was there actually any point to that time change because nothing happened as far as I could see."

"I don�t think that was the time change it was just a change of tense-"  Elanor and Megan had time to look at each other before they were transferred into the time of the War of the Ring.  Painfully.

"Right."  Growled Elanor.  "That goes on the charge list.  In big, bold, caps."

"Agreed. How long till she leaves to meet Legolas and Thranduil?"

"She goes tomorrow, which means we have about twelve hours of time to kill in an un-canonical Mirkwood. Any suggestions?"

"Well, we could laugh at her sister�s hair. I have no idea what the author meant by green streals. Or we can play LOTR�s top trumps. I have some cards with me."

The next few hours contained several fights when Elanor won Legolas from Megan, and several loud squeals when Elanor won Elrond. Finally however they decided that if they were going to be able to keep up with elvish riding the next day they would need to get some sleep, and so they unrolled their sleeping bags and went to bed. In the lovely peaceful area of southern Mirkwood.

"I hope that the spiders don�t realise that they�re not included here."  Elanor muttered sleepily.

"What?"  Asked Megan loudly, sitting up.

"I mean, what if no one�s told them?"  Elanor said, turning over and falling asleep.

"Elanor?  Elanor!  Don�t go to sleep!  I think there�s something in the bushes. . .  Oh gods. . ."

~	*	~

The next day Elanor woke to some confusion. The sight of a very awake Megan clutching a sword and staring suspiciously in every direction wasn�t exactly what she had been expecting.  Not to mention that sometime in the night there had been yet another time skip, and it was now the evening of the following day.

"Megan?  You �kay?"

"No I�m not, you know I�m scared of spiders. I kept thinking that one was going to attack me in the middle of the night."

"Oh yes, sorry about that. Shall we get going then? I can hear what can only be described as a Mary Sue-ish voice talking to a horse over in the stables. We should follow her."

"Wha-?  We can�t follow someone on a horse!"

"Hang on, I know this.  We have to look for, eh, plot holes, where she hasn�t told us what happens, and use them."

"Great.  How do we use �em?"

"Uh . . . Trial and improvement?"

"We�re screwed."

Elanor nodded in agreement and started to roll her sleeping bag up. A few minutes later they saw the Sue and her sister ride past and followed at a very slow sprint.

As they followed the Sue with great difficulty, panting heavily in extremely un-elvish fashion, something happened that neither of them had expected. After a few miles of running the four of them suddenly skipped forward, the trees blurring as they ceased to exist and were replaced by different ones. As everything went back to normal again Megan looked around in interest.

"Oh," she said. "That would be a plot hole, I take it."

"So it would seem. Where are we now?" Elanor asked, looking around the new part of Mirkwood.

"I think we�re about to meet up with Legolas, and then the sister just vanishes, much like Thranduil. Why do they always go after Legolas?"

"I don�t know, but I think we need to kill the sister before she vanishes. How should we do that?"

"I dunno, draw her into the woods or something.  Looking at all the plot holes the Sue has left we should be able to catch up easily."

Megan shrugged, and they made their way cautiously to where the pair of Sues were just meeting up with Legolas.

"Well it looks like Selenity is getting ready to vanish. What an awful name.  Let�s go kill her."

"Yay! First killing ever. Fun.  I get to kill her, �kay?"

"Yeah, sure. As long as I get to choose the way to kill Spphire; she tried to take my elf away from me."

"Calm down, Megan, we won�t let her warp Legolas too much."

"Oh good."

The pair entered the clearing in which their targets had stopped, panting heavily as if they had just run very far.

"Your highness," the blonde one called out to a very confused bit character. "We need your help back at the palace."  For some reason the elf seemed to shudder at the thought of a palace in southern Mirkwood.

"Of course." The bit character replied, "I will come at once. Goodbye, my sister.� She said, turning to the Sue. �Meet up with Legolas and go to Rivendell. I hope you have a safe journey." With that the unwitting character followed the two assassins deeper into the forest.

When they were a safe distance away from Spphire Elanor turned to Selenity.

"Megan?  Want to do charges?"

"Yay!  It will be fun.  Right, Selenity Forester, you are hereby charged with the following charges: creating a kingdom in southern Mirkwood, despite the fact that it is actually being occupied by several ringwraiths. Having green streals in your hair, which not only isn�t possible because I don�t have a clue what streals are, but is also utterly ridiculous because elves never dye their hair.  For having one of the most ridiculous names I have ever heard of, and for really annoying me by sending your stupid Sue of a sister to hassle Legolas. Any last words?"

The bit character looked confused.  "Wait, you�re not from my palace.  I�ve been kidnapped, help, hel. . . !" A red and black fletched arrow through the heart, courtesy of Elanor, quickly silenced her frantic screams.

As the rouge queen died, and the Sue left the forest, Mirkwood let out a rumbling noise, and then with a loud bang everything returned to normal. And this time Megan wasn�t the only one to hear a rustling in the bushes.

"Umm, Megan. . .?" Elanor said cautiously, "You may want to leave before the real spiders appear. . ." She ended up speaking to thin air as Megan promptly conjured up a portal and leapt through.  "Hey, wait for me!"  She cried after her retreating friend, as a hairy leg appeared in the trees.

~	*	~

"Oh, �ook, it�s my pretty, pretty-"

"Sue-ified"

"Sue-ified Legolas."  Megan crooned.

"And he�s sitting in scilence.  How clever of him."   Elanor sat down dejectedly.  "Megan?"

"Yes?"

"What does 'scilence' mean?"

"I don�t know, but I expect it�s something deep and meaningful. After all this is a sue fic. Did I mention I ha. . .!" Whatever Megan was going to say was cut off rather abruptly as they were spun forwards in yet another plot hole, and the pair were taken two hours into the future. Conveniently just in time to go to the council.

"Damn Sues, and their damn meddling with my Elrond, and the damn council, and pissing around with everything." Elanor ranted angrily as the Sue sat down next to, surprise, surprise, Legolas.  The area that the council was held in kept shimmering in and out of existence, as it was not sure what a 'porch,where' was, and tried to create something akin to a lost porch.

As the council began, Megan couldn�t help but notice how original everything sounded.

"Oh look, Elanor, isn�t it a clever author? She can copy from the book that she has apparently read five times. Isn�t it funny how she didn�t notice the fact that there wasn�t a girl at the council of Elrond, despite having read it so many times?"

Elanor wasn�t listening; she was too busy giggling at a certain half-elven lord, and muttering dire curses under her breath to "that godsdamned Sue and all her kin."

Sighing, Megan gave up and concentrated on watching Legolas. Neither of them had to long to drool though because guess what? They were thrown through yet another plot hole until they had reached the end of the council. Which yet again seemed rather familiar to the two assassins.

Elanor took out the copy of Lord of the Rings that she had brought with her and started to read along with Elrond. Then, after Fordo had offered to take the ring the council dispersed.

"Fordo, eh?" Megan said thoughtfully to Elanor as they left the porch,where. "Miss Cam would be so proud."

"Oh, it gets better.  Peregin, Gimili and there were the valor earlier on."  Elanor dumped her bag on the ground and stored through the contents until she found a copy of the fic.  "And she changes to third person in a minute.  After . . ."

Elrond began to twitch, as the words left his mouth.  "The company (twitch) of the (twitch) ring shall be (twitch, twitch) n-n-n-n. . ."  the Sue glared at Elrond.

Elanor started towards the Sue, but Megan grabbed her by her hair.  "No!  We must not be seen, damn you!"

"But-but-but. . ."

"Ten."  Elrond eventually said.

"No!  It�s nine!  Naturally Nine!  What have you done to my Elrond?  Damn, damn, damn, damn Sue!"  Elanor�s rant was halted by the painful view change.

"Right.  That is enough.  We get this Sue soon.  I don�t think I can handle another skip like that one."  Elanor growled when they were back in first person.

"Wait �till Elrond finishes."  Megan said, softly.  "She�ll go and sort out her 'pants' or something.  We can get her now."

"You�d better think of a painful way to kill her, or I will repent giving you rights to kill her."

Sure enough, a few minutes later the Sue wandered off into the direction of her bedroom, which hadn�t been described so obviously couldn�t exist. However, Sue�s live to defy object and so a large airy bedroom, looking surprisingly familiar to Frodo�s materialised in front of them.

As Spphire entered the room the pair slipped in after her, locking the door behind them. Spphire heard the door close and turned in surprise.  She seemed rather taken aback by the evil grin sent her way by Elanor.

"Hey, weren�t you the two elves from Mirkwood? The one who brought messages to my sister?" She asked.

"That�s right, and now we�re going to take you back to Mirkwood. Your sister needs your help, though you�re slightly late."

"We�re taking her to Mirkwood?" Elanor asked.

"Yup, I thought we could show her what the real southern Mirkwood looks like."

The Sue had been following this exchange in confusion, but she didn�t have long before Elanor hit her over the head with the hilt of her sword.  Elanor snickered evilly.  "I hope she doesn�t sleep for too long.  She�ll miss the show."

"She is the show.  And anyway, we need to charge her.  We�ll wake her then."

Megan summoned a portal for them, jumped through it and Elanor followed, kicking Spphire through.

"Aww, look, Megan, Mirkwood is back to it�s normal gloomy self."  Elanor said, and she emptied her water bottle over Spphire.  "Its my turn to charge her."

As the Sue returned to the world of consciousness, Elanor placed her foot on the girl�s neck.

"Spphire Forester, you are hereby charged with the following offences, pissing with my Elrond, having the gayest gay name which ever was born, and this is coming from a gay girl, having the worst hair I�ve seen in a while, tagging along with the fellowship, mucking around with my Elrond,"

"And Legolas."  Megan added, loudly.

"Yes, and Legolas, but more importantly Elrond.  You did more to him.  Wearing pants instead of normal Middle-Earth clothes, Creating several mini-Balrogs, and a bit character, not being able to spell, or use a checker, or getting someone to Beta for you.  Is that all, Megan?"

"Having longer Author�s notes than chapters?  Tense changes?  View point changes?"

"Yes, and those.  Any last words?"

The Sue seemed about to say something but Megan jumped in.

"You don�t have any, oh good. Here spider, spider, spider."

"Wow, Megan, I�m impressed. You�re willingly summoning a spider."

"I know, isn�t it great? Goodbye Spphire, I would say it was nice knowing you, but it would be a complete lie."

"Toodle pip."

With that the two girls leapt through a portal, leaving the Sue to the mercy of the approaching spiders.

They had just entered their office when the beeping machine cried out: "Bingeley-bloody- bingeley-beep!  Anyone there?"

"Another Sue?"  Elanor asked, wearily.  Megan went to look.

"It�s by the same author."

"Joy.  Has her writing improved?"

"De-proved.  If that�s a word."

"Can we just go in, kill her, and come out again?  Please?"

"Of course, we get enough charges in the first chapter, although upstairs may not think they are valid."

"Who cares, let�s go."

"Elves again?"

"Nah, better be humans."

With that the two of them leapt through, eager for a quick killing.

They arrived in a typical teenage bedroom in time to see three girls dressed in ridiculous clothes, which were the only thing clear in the room, as it was the only thing properly described. And all of them had more ridiculously streaked hair. It seemed that the author had a penchant for streaks.

All three of them looked rather put out by the appearance of two humans, but before they could say anything Megan began.

"Good morning.  The three of you are being charged with the following transgressions. You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say will be ignored. You are charged with: having ridiculous clothing, hair and names, trying to get to Middle-Earth, claiming to be a lost elven princess of Middle-Earth, being insults to the elvish culture, and already annoying us despite the fact that you haven�t actually done any of this stuff yet."

"And you," Elanor growled, pointing her sword at one of the surprised Sues.  "Being called Courtney, which is a crime in its self.  Are you slut?  Are you going to kill your husband?  Probably."

Megan patted Elanor on the back before continuing.  "Oh yes, and being Mary-Sues.  Any last words?"

"We�re innocent!" Protested the main Sue "We�re just going on a shopping trip; we haven�t tried to get to Middle-Earth."

"Not yet you haven�t, so we�re going to kill you first and save Middle-Earth from the trauma of having to put up with you."

"Goodbye, my little Sues." said Elanor as she slotted an arrow onto her bow. Pretty soon the three characters were nothing more than corpses, stuck full of arrows. Elanor had taken the chance to let her anger out from the mutation of Elrond from the last fic.

"What are we going to do with them?" Megan asked.

"Dunno." Elanor said, but she was interrupted by a large lorry going past. "Although, I think it may be dustbin day." The two girls shared an evil grin.

The dustbin men found the rubbish a lot heavier than usual that day.

[Megan�s AN:  Grrrr, these stories annoyed me so much. Especially the first one. The grammar, spelling and general story line was so bad. The author kept complaining about the amount of flames that she was getting. Not that Elanor and myself contributed to that number. That would just be rude.]

[Elanor�s AN:  She tried to warp my Elrond!  By the way, I don�t love Elrond, I just like him as a kinda father figure.  Aww . . .  Croons for a while.  Whereas, Megan has a. . .  little . . .crush on Legolas.  Yes, that�s the kind way to say it.  Hmm, I also have to warn you of some gayness, aka, me being Bi.  And drooling over Eowyn. . .  Gahhhh. . .]

Chapter two: Buffy-like intentions and pyromaniacs. Sorry, pyromaniac

[Disclaimer:  As usually, we own naught save ourselves.  This time the Sue is from "prettyDoe"'s "rubies and fire".  Gah.]

Big, big, big thank �ee to Viya.  We love you!  Thank-you for putting up with our bad spelling and punctuation (which would make any Sue proud) and correcting it for us!

Chapter Two

Buffy-like intentions and pyromaniacs.  Sorry, Pyromaniac

Elanor was lying on the bed that she had made in the corner, when there was a knock on the door.

"All right, all right."  She mumbled, getting up and opening it.  Megan fell in with another load of armful of posters, reminding Elanor of the Hobbit, and the last group of dwarves to come into Bilbo's home.  "Megan?"  She asked, trying to keep her voice polite.

"Yes, Elanor?"  Megan replied, piling the posters carefully in her "to stick up" pile.  Which was extremely large.

"Don't you have enough posters?"

"Nope?"

"Am I allowed any?"

"Nope, and the peseta de resistance is still to come."

Elanor started to whack her head against the wall, growling at the same time, before realising that she was hitting a large picture of Kurt Cobain, at which she stopped, and apologised many times.  We all have our own weaknesses.

"Oh very well, I will allow you to have one picture, since I'm so generous."

"You�re too kind, Megan, I've never known anyone as generous as you."

"I know; it's good, isn't it?"

Megan was surprisingly slow when it came to realising that someone was being sarcastic, or she was getting very good at ignoring it. One or the other.

"So do I get to know what this pasta ra thingy-thingy is, or do I have to wait in suspense?"

"Duh, wai-" Megan's words were cut across by the two assassin�s favourite sound.

"Bingely-bingely-beeeeeeep!  This is your friendly imp reporting.  I hope you have a nice mission."

Megan started to scan the words then winced as she realised who the victim was. Discreetly covering up the worst part with her hand she turned to Elanor.

"Okay, we need to go to Rivendell, so elves it is. Let's go." Sadly the ruse didn't work and Elanor just swatted Megan's hand out of the way and started to read.

Megan watched in apprehension as her fellow assassin's face turned redder and redder and she started to hiss.

"This one's mine." She growled before opening the portal and leaping through, without looking back.  Until she realised that she had left her bag on the floor, and retreated for long enough to grab it, and throw it onto her back.

Megan picked up Elanor's bow, which she had also forgotten, before following the blonde, feeling almost sorry for the Sue.  Almost.

Two elves, one dark haired, and one fair-haired, were acting very strangely.

"I say we see whether we can stay in Rivendell!"  The blonde one complained.

"No, no, and no again.  We cannot be seen by canon characters remember."

"But no one's being canonical.  Anyway, we could fit in."

"Yes, of course, Mrs. autistic, I-hate-what-this-damn-Sue-has-done-to-Elrond-oh-twins!"

"Bet you don't mind staying inside� now�" she trailed off as she realised her partner had vanished through the nearest door to Rivendell. Smiling happily she followed Megan inside. She liked camping, but beds were more comfy, and of course Elrond was inside.  Even if he had been Sue-ified.

Trotting to catch up with Megan, Elanor, ever destined to be a short-arse, was given some strange looks.  "So, what happens now?"

Megan took a copy of the fiction from her bag.  "'Elrond had never paced. Never, during all his thousands of years in Middle Earth had he paced. But never, during all his thousands of years in Middle Earth, had there been such dreadful cause for pacing.'"  She quoted.  "I have no clue.  Elrond paced?"

"Gee, thanks, helpful."

"No problems.  Where do you think he'd be?"

"Study, probably." She had a look at the words over Megan's shoulder. "Glorfindel should be going to see him soon, and the they go see our Sue. Ooh, fire maiden.  Does that mean I can buuuuurn her?"  Elanor seemed to take relish over the second to last word.

"Not yet, at any rate."

"Spoil sport."

"Soon you'll be able to, don't worry, we need to wait for the opportune moment."

Elanor sighed; sometimes she gave Megan too many openings, and her friend never missed a chance to quote either Lord of the Rings or Pirates of the Caribbean.
"When will that be?"

"I was thinking after Elrond turns into a vampire."

"He what?"  Whispered Elanor, taking Megan by the shoulder and spinning her round so she could look at her.

"He turns into a vampire this is not my fic please do not kill me."  Megan squeaked in one breath.

"Right.  This Sue is going to beg for death before the end."

Megan frowned.  "Upstairs doesn't really approve of torture."

"Oh, I wasn't thinking of torture.  Torture is far too nice for something like this."  Elanor smiled, and began to stride down the corridor again.  "So, I don't suppose you brought a map of Rivendell with you?"

Megan had a habit of carrying random objects everywhere with her, so, by some manner of luck, she did have one.

"Yup, the study is about three doors down the next corridor, on the right side."

"Only you, Megan, only you."  Elanor shook her head.  "Have you marked Legolas's room on yet?"

"No, I haven't been able to fi- Of course not!  That'd be a silly thing to do.  Honestly, Elanor, would I do a thing like that?"

"Yup."

"Sshh, it's our little secret. So what are you planning on doing for the next couple of days? Follow Elrond around until the sickness occurs and he becomes undead?"

"�Course not.  I've got a whole list of rousing activities for us to try."  To Megan's horror Elanor took a list out of her pocket and began to read from it.  "Find and stalk Elladan and Elrohir, though I don't think they exist here.  Steal a couple of bows from the armoury, because A) I want mine back, and B) you need one-"

Megan sighed.  If Elanor got her way it would be a long few days.  Although some of the suggestions did seem fun.  She did need a bow.  "So, what are we going to do first?"

"Start the charge list."  Elanor stopped and pressed her ear against a door.

"Wise words, Glorfindel."  She heard, and repeated this to Megan.

"Move then, you dimwit.  They're about to come out!"

"Opps . . ." Elanor muttered, moving to stand by her friend so that the door didn't open onto her.

Megan ogled in wonder at the sight of two elven lords walking down the corridor like luminous wraiths, while Elanor doubled up with laughter.

"Wow." Megan said, "I didn't know it was possible for elves to be wraiths. And since when are wraiths luminous?  I thought they were invisible. Although their eyes glow when they are angry; does that mean Elrond and Glorfindel are angry? I'm confused, my head hurts."

"There, there, Megan."  Elanor said in about the least sympathetic voice Megan had ever heard.  "Are we going to follow them or not?"

Elanor watched Glorfindel take Elrond's hand, and tried not to think slashy thoughts.  "Damn Sues.  Damn Slash.  Grrr. . ."

Elrond opened the door to the "Rooms of Healing", and Megan laughed out loud.
When Elanor gave her a questioning glance she managed to burst out with:  "Silence, like . . . drape of Spanish. . . moss!  It makes no sense!"

"Yes dear."  A puzzled look crossed Elanor's face.  "Would elves have 'rooms of healing'?  Because I didn't think they got ill so often."

"But Elrond is a healer."

"Oh, all right.  But it's going on the charge list anyway."  Elanor muttered, turning her back to the wall so no one could see her and scribbling in a notepad.

Megan and Elanor followed the two elf-lords through the room.  "Oh yeah, like the two pin-prinks don't scream vampire.  Umnol� Sue."

"Pardon?"

"Stupid Sue.  Um is no, nol� is knowledge.  See, stupid Sue."

"Oh yeah."  Megan looked in surprise at the bowl of water that Elanor handed her. "What is this for?"

"Look busy."  Elanor hissed at her.  The pair made their way through the room, mopping at random elves brows as they went until they were standing near enough to hear Elrond � and see the Sue.

A beeping came from Elanor's bag, as Elrond gasped.  "Oh shamrat . . ." She said, kneeling behind the nearest bed so she could find the cause.  At the bottom of her bag she found the Canon Analysis Device.  "Bloky Mandos! 89% character rupture of Elrond?"  She asked quietly while looking for the off button.  Megan crouched next to her, took it from her and turned it off.  "Hey, if every hair of her body was red, do you reckon her leg hair was red?"  Elanor asked, quietly.  The comment caused Megan to go red as she tried not to laugh.  "I'll take that as yes."

Megan began to hit her head on the bed stand.  "Yes, he knew who she was, obviously.  Even though he's just asked why he's never seen her before.  Makes sense!"

"Since when have Sues made sense?"

A curtain was twitched back and Elanor cackled as the light made the Sue writhe and scream.

Elrond looked around in surprise, cackling elves were not common occurrences in Imladris. However, as the elf accompanying the cackling one nudged her with her elbow, the fair-haired elf stopped and went back to mopping the brows of the sick elves.

Shaking his head Elrond turned his attention back to Narwen, the fiery freak.
As Elanor and Megan continued their random wiping of elves brows, trying not too laugh at the idea of a vampire walking around Imladris there was a large jolting noise, and several minutes of pain later they had been whooshed into the future. Neither of them had an idea of how much time they had skipped, although they knew was that they both wanted painkillers and wanted them fast. Sadly they weren't common objects to be found in Middle-Earth.

"Damn Sues, and their damn time jumping . . ." Elanor began her usual "damn-the-world" speech.  Megan, however, just concentrated on holding on her head and moaning.

Elanor winced as Elrond's POV echoed through Imladris in an extremely angsty speech about Celebr�an and her passing. She couldn't help wonder how it was possible for him to be so sad about Celebr�an even though in a couple of days time he was going to kiss some random girl that he had only met for the first time before the time jump. It made very little sense whatsoever.

"Look, Megan, look at this.  Three sodding chapters in we get told what time scale we are thinking about.  There was me thinking that this was set before the War of the Ring, but noooo, it is three weeks after they departed.  Of course. That was so obvious and clear earlier on."  Elanor paused, and thought about something.  "Megan?"

"Yes, Elanor?"

"Um, you know I said earlier, could we stay in Rivendell?"

"Yes."

"We-ell. . .  There's a vampire flitting around Rivendell."

"Good point."  Megan yawned.  "Ready for bed?"

"Yup, although according to the words Elrond is going to get bitten soon. Do we need to watch it? I think it would be painful."

"I agree, you'll probably run in to try and save him, then I'll have to grab you to stop you and the vampire will spot us and we'll probably get bitten or something knowing our luck, which is just as non existent as Estel and Legolas's. We don't need to see this part."

"Good, good."  Elanor muttered, wandering away from Megan to find a place to sleep.  Eventually they settled down for a good night's sleep in a clearing a little way from the main building.

The next morning the sun was shining brightly and Elanor and Megan awoke, almost able to believe that they weren't actually in the middle of a Mary Sue and didn't have to save Elrond from the horrors of a fire maiden and a vampire. Sadly this allusion didn't last long as two elven maidens wandered past, sorrowfully discussing how sad it was that Elrond was ill as well now.

They didn't have long to ponder this though as they fell victim too another time jump which portalled them to the evening. Megan sighed as she read the words; Elanor wasn't going to like this one bit.

Slowly the pair walked up to the house, Megan wincing all the while as she imagined what Elanor was going to do.

As Megan and Elanor watched Elrond go to his balcony, there was a roar.  The assassins looked up to find a river transporting itself over their heads to crash down next to the elf-lords balcony.  Megan held her breath.

"That's interesting."  Elanor said mildly.

"It is?"

"Yes, I didn't know the Anduin was next to Rivendell.  I thought there was a mountain range in the way."

"I just hope the Fellowship weren't in the way when that thing moved, or we're going to be doing an awful lot overtime."

"Indeed."

Their musings were interrupted by the appearance of the fiery idiot. As they watched, the elven maid proceeded to ominously make references to a mysterious "she" who apologised to Elrond for 'hurting him'; apparently 'she' hadn't meant too hurt Elrond, she just didn't realise that if you bit someone on their necks it would generally have a tendency to hurt.
"Sodding Sues . . ." Elanor muttered as the Sue offered her neck, on which two wounds had re-opened, healed, and then re-opened again in a minute.

Megan, with no small amount of foresight grabbed the neck of Elanor's dress as the elf-lords attention turned away from the Sue's neck, and too her lips.

"He's married, you little cow!"  Elanor began to scream, but got no further than the first word before Megan gagged her.  Megan continued to hold the smaller was-girl-now-elf, as Elrond sat down and had a weeping fit.

"Ho, yes, elf-lords randomly sit down and sob because they've just kissed a girl that shouldn't exist."  Elanor tried to mutter.
Megan started laughing quietly, much to Elanor's disbelief.

"What's so funny?" she hissed, seeing nothing humorous about her favourite character being reduced to tears.

"Its just. . . earlier. . . they went on about how short that sue is. . . but now she has to bend down to kiss Elrond. . .it�s stupid"

"No, it's a Sue." Elanor growled, looking very much like she wanted to kill the idiotic fire thing.  Which may have been because she did.

After the two elves had spent a few minutes sitting under the stars, another time jump span them forward too the next morning. Surprisingly enough the first thing Elanor said was:

"Damn Sues, damn time jumps, damn stupid stories."

Megan just nodded in agreement and the pair watched as the elf-lord walked around the room talking to the nurse and caretaker. In the corridor he avoided the sunlight as much as possible, despite when he had been in the sunlit room he hadn�t bothered.  It was funny that the sunlight only affected him sometimes. Very convenient, too.

"Way hey."  Elanor said, sarcastically as they followed him.  "More angst in the rooms of healing.  Want to go outside for a game of Top Trumps?"

"Uh. . .  as long as I get Legolas."

"I get de-vampiry Elrond then."

"Fair enough."

Three or four fights over winning (or losing depending which side you looked from) cards, two large meals consisting of everything unhealthy that was cheap, and a long nap the two assassins made their way back to Elrond�s room.

"Hey, fish." Megan said randomly as they entered the room. The pair hid under the bed, on the theory that it was such a obvious hiding place that no one would look, and waited for the vampire to arrive.

"Listen, Megan."  Elanor growled, as the red mist that was the vampire 'crept into the room'.  "I give up.  We are killing these damn things, and we are killing them soon."

"We have no evidence for the vamp."

"Then let her have her angsty moment, and then kill her.  And then we can get our fave fire freak."

"All right, all right."

"Yay!"  Elanor exclaimed quietly, before handing Megan a personal CD player.

"Um . . ."

"Do I have to think of everything?  It's so you don't have to listen to the sop-fest."

"Ah, good plan, what music do you have?"

"White Stripes, Darkness, Lord of the rings times three, Enya times two, music vids stuff, uh, velvet goldmine soundtrack, glitterific songs, nirvana, Avril Lavigne, did I say Enya twice? And HIM."  Elanor passed her CD case to Megan.  "Well, not HIM any more."  She said, as she put the CD into her Walkman.

As the ruby tears of the vampire started to fall all around them, one hitting Elanor on the head, there was a minute of comedy relief as Megan started laughing hysterically, until the girls realise that they had been spotted.

"Oh, bugger." they said in unison, and climbed out from under the bed.

"Hullo there, sir and miss.  Ye can ignore us, we being-"

"A couple of friendly neighbourhood fairies, which do not exist in Middle-Earth, but nether the less, we do."

"We are under the bed fairies.  A very special type."

"What?  Megan, can't we be . . . magical elf-lord-saving-and-vampire-and-fire-maiden-killing fairies?"

"No, Elanor, that would be silly.  Anyway, we need to uh . . ."

"We were checking the state of your neighbourhood, and noticed the increasing rise of vamps.  So if you'll just sign here, we'll take 'em away no probs."

Elrond stared at the fairies.  If he had been in his right mind he probably would have tried to kill them, but luckily for the two he wasn't.  Unfortunately, however, it seemed that the vampire did not share the same sentiments.

"What are you?  And why do you interrupt my tale?"  She hissed.

"We just told you that.  Now, if you'll just come with us . . ." Elanor bravely took the vampire's arm and tried to lead her from the room.

Sadly the vampire wasn't that stupid, even though it was a Sue. It turned to Elanor and started to hiss, baring its pointy fangs.

"Uh, Megan?"  Asked Elanor, her eyes locked onto the vampire�s in an unofficial staring match.

"Yes?"

"Portal, please?  Sharpish?  Actually, sharpish isn't a particularly good word."

"Anywhere in particular?"

"Angband?  Tol-in-Gaurhorth?"

The vampire hissed louder.  "Nay, you will not take me to the fortresses of Morgoth, you fell beasts."  She attacked Elanor, who had the self-preservation instincts to duck out of the way.

"Now, Megan, now!"

A portal opened into darkness.  Elrond, who was sitting on the bed and staring dumbly, started.  Megan positioned her self in line with NoireRae and the portal.

"Go and meet some real vampires."  She called, as she pushed the Sue through the dark gateway.

"Megan!"  Elanor cried.  The Sue had grabbed hold of her as she fell through the portal.  "Oh, trust you, you dimwit."  She leant over the portal.  "Don't forget to charge her."

Turning round she caught sight of the bewildered looking Lord Peredhil.

"So, Elrond," she said, "having fun?"

In Angband Megan most certainly wasn't having fun.  People who would have called her experiences fun would be those who enjoy being chased in circles by a vicious, angry vampire while trying to charge her.

"NoireRae, I hereby, oh damn, charge you with mutating vampires, Elrond, crying rubie�ouch crying rubies which is ridiculous, creating another human race, which don't for Eru's sake stop it die, conspiring to spend almost an hour talking in a decidedly angst like manner, and for dragging me to Angband. I'm sure there's more but Elanor had the list and she isn't here right now so that will have to do. Oh and being a Mary Sue. Enjoy your visit."

Megan portalled out, possibly creating a record for the quickest portal, just in time to see a very, very angry looking Thuringwethil launch herself at the Suepire.

She arrived back in Elrond's room to find Elanor sitting beside the elf and nattering on about things that the poor being really shouldn't have been able to understand.

"Come on, Elanor."  Megan killed.  "We have a fire maiden to kill."

Elrond leapt of the bed.  Not only had these . . . these fairies taken away the fairest maiden he had ever seen from him, now they were plotting to kill his Narwen.

"No!  I will not let you harm her."  He cried.

"Oh, damnit, I forgot about you."  Megan sighed, taking something from her pocket, and putting a pair of darkened glasses on.  Elanor, seeing her companion's actions, also put on a similar pair.  "If you'll just look this way . . ."  There was a bright flash.

"So what do we do now?  How do we de-vampire him?"

"Uh. . .  Not sure.  We'll come back and check once we've killed the Fire thing, and if he's not better I'll go back and ask."

"Why you?"

"Because."

Elrond sat on the end of his bed feeling very confused.  And wondering what "fairies" were, and where he had heard the word.

Narwen sat up, someone shaking her arm.

"Helloooo 'ikkle Sue."  Someone called.

"Pardon?"  She asked.

"Ah, good to see you awake."

A blonde haired elf stood by her bed.  "Now, Narwen, I have to charge you with:

Warping my Elrond, being a Mary Sue, being a "fire maiden", which, can I assure you, do not exist in Middle-Earth, kissing and hitting on Elrond, even though he's married, warping Middle-Earth to fit your Sue-ish purposes, and insulting the elves with your Sue-ness, and winding me up.  Oh yeah, and Megan.  Any last words?"  Before she had a chance to reply the elf continued.  "Oh good.  Megan?  Portal to Mount Doom, pur-lease?"

"Yes, ma'am!  The queen of the portlers has a portal ready and waiting."

"And don't get pulled in this time. Mount Doom is one hell of a lot more painful then Angband."

"Yes ma'am!  Of course ma'am!"

"And stop with the damn ma'ams."  Elanor pulled the "fire maiden" from her bed dragged her to the hole that had been summoned.

"We thought, as you are a fire maiden, you won't mind being introduced to your element."  She smiled at the Sue wickedly before pushing her into the fires.  "And say hi to Gollum for us when he arrives!"

The two assassins made their way back up to Elrond's room.  Elanor knocked on the door.  "Master Elrond?"

"Yes?"  Came the bemused answer.  She opened the door and smiled at him.

"Hullo.  We're back to see if you're still lustin' for blood."

"Pardon?"

"Ah, I'll take that as no then.  We'll, one last thing.  Smile, please?"  Elrond smiled in a confused way.  "Thank-you.  Bye!" 
Elanor and Megan landed with a crash back in their office.  Elanor pulled her bag off her back and dumped it on the floor.

"Megan, give me the portal thingy."

"Why?"  Megan asked, handing it to her.

"Uh. . . no reason.  Give me a yell if any one comes."

Elanor vanished into the world of fandom.  While she was gone Megan took advantage of the situation and carefully swapped some of Elanor's posters for some of her own, much more artistic, Legolas ones.  Finally Elanor re-appeared, dragging what looked like a large cage.

"What," Megan asked, "is that?"

[Elanor's AN:  What did they do to my precious, my loves?  They tried to warp him! Sobs Awww . . . Poor Elrond.  There was more . . . And it was all as sap-filled, and wrong, and horrible, and. . . ::shudders::]

[Megan's AN: Grrr that story was bad. And what was even more annoying was that she knew all about things from both LOTR and the Silmarillion, yet she insisted on writing something that bad. If anyone has any Mary Sues that need killing just send us the story name and we will happily do the honours. As long as they affect the elves in some way we should be able to get 'em.  And I'll give you three guesses what my piasta resisstance is. It's the precious, but not Gollum's precious, and it doesn't fit in my pocket.]

[Elanor's second AN:  Ohh, and what I have found.  I have a new plaything.  Yay!  ::ish easily distracted::]

Retreat! Retr-eeeeeaaaaat!

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