27th October, 2002
CHARACTERS
BARBARA: Age 24 or 25. Married to SCOTT. They have been married for three years. She is a compulsive liar. She is a very beautiful woman.
SCOTT: Age 27 or 28. He�s BARBARA�s husband. Works a full time 9 to 5 job and is 100% devoted to BARBARA.
SUSAN: Age 24 or 25. BARBARA�s best friend since they were children. She is BARBARA�s confidant.
SETTING
In a simple kitchen in an L.A. apartment. All that is needed is a fake refrigerator, a �sink� for dishes, and a counter with a couple of bar stools. There is also the door where the characters enter and exit the set.
TIME
After 5 P.M., right after rush hour traffic.
PROPS
A vase, a cookie jar, 2 bar stools, a broom and a dustpan, some dishes, a bottle of dish soap, some dish towels, a bottle of water, an apple, and Elmer�s Glue.
AFTER 5 P.M. BARBARA�S apartment in L.A.
BARBARA is standing at the SINK washing dishes. We hear the WATER RUNNING faintly.
We see a beautiful VASE on the KITCHEN COUNTER.
We see a COOKIE JAR next to the VASE.
We see a bottle of DISHSOAP next to the sink.
There is a CLOCK on the wall.
BARBARA. Where is she? She should have been here by now. (We hear a DOOR BELL.) Ah, that must be her. Come in.
SUSAN. (SHE tries to open the door.) It�s locked.
BARBARA. Oh! (SHE dries hands and opens the door.) Sorry about that. (THEY come back to the kitchen. BARBARA keeps washing the dishes.)
SUSAN. I would have been here sooner but the traffic out there is a nightmare!
BARBARA. That�s Los Angeles rush hour traffic for you. (A beat.) How are you?
SUSAN. I�m fine. (SHE rummages through fridge for a BOTTLE OF WATER, gets one.) And you? (SHE takes a drink of water.)
BARBARA. I�m� Well�
SUSAN. Where�s the breadwinner?
BARBARA. Oh, Scott?
SUSAN. What other breadwinner would I be speaking of?
BARBARA. Oh� He�s at work... He�ll be home shortly after 5.
SUSAN. It�s 5:15.
BARBARA. He�ll probably be home at 5:30� God knows what he does after work.
SUSAN. (SHE notices the VASE on the COUNTER.) Wow! What a beautiful vase!
BARBARA. Like it? Scott got it for me at an antique store on our first anniversary. The clerk at the store said it was a REAL antique� At least 60 years old, made in Italy. (A pause.) He yelled at me again.
SUSAN. Again? What else is new�? (SHE rummages through fridge for an APPLE.) Hang on. I�m really hungry. Apple?
BARBARA. Bottom drawer on the right.
SUSAN. (SHE retrieves APPLE.) You were saying? (SHE sits down on a BAR STOOL, takes a bite of the APPLE.)
BARBARA. (SHE grabs a DISH TOWEL to start drying the dishes.) About?
SUSAN. You said Scott yelled at you (SHE takes a bite from the APPLE, with mouth full) again.
BARBARA. Oh� Yeah. I almost forget when he yells, (A beat.) it happens so often.
SUSAN. Well, what happened? (SHE bites APPLE.)
BARBARA: We were out at Cielo Bello (SUSAN bites from APPLE.) last night.
SUSAN. (With mouth full.) Oh? Isn�t that the new Italian restaurant?
BARBARA. Yes.
SUSAN. Oh! I want to go there, but you know� My diet. (SHE drinks water.)
BARBARA. How is that going?
SUSAN. Good. So, you were at Cielo Bello.
BARBARA. Yeah. And the waitress comes over (SUSAN drinks WATER.) and asks us what we want. And right in front of me, Scott started hitting on the waitress!
SUSAN. No!
BARBARA. Yes!
SUSAN. (SHE slams the WATER down on the COUNTER.) That asshole! So what did you do?
BARBARA. Well aside from trying to keep smoke from coming out of my ears� (A beat.) I interrupted them and ordered my fettuccini alfredo in white clam sauce.
SUSAN. Mmmm� I bet that was good�
BARBARA. It was�
SUSAN. Anyway, go on.
BARBARA. So, Scott got angry for me interrupting him. (SUSAN bites APPLE.) Then he ordered his vegetarian lasagna.
SUSAN. Mmm� Good choice.
BARBARA. Can I finish?
SUSAN. Yes! Yes! (SHE drinks WATER.) Sorry.
BARBARA. The waitress went away. And he said, �Why did you do that?� �Do what?� I asked him. �Interrupt me?� He said�
SUSAN. (Sitting on the edge of the BARSTOOL.) Then what did you say?
BARBARA. I said, (A beat.) �You were flirting with her� What, do you want to leave me and be with her?�
SUSAN. Good! Good!!
BARBARA. (With each sentence, sounds bitterer.) Then he said that he was thinking about it. That I wasn�t attractive to him anymore. That I was becoming worthless. That all I do is sit around and watch T.V. all day and eat Bon-Bons.
SUSAN. Shyeah! Are Bon-Bons even around anymore?
BARBARA. That�s beside the point. He�s thinking of leaving me!
SUSAN. What is his deal!? (A pause.)
BARBARA. (SHE looks at CLOCK.) Christ! I forgot to start the laundry. I�ll be right back, I just have to run downstairs to the laundry room. (SHE grabs a LAUNDRY BASKET.)
SUSAN. (SHE sees a DRESS with a SPAGHETTI SAUCE STAIN on top in the BASKET.) What�s that?
BARBARA. Oh? (SHE looks at the DRESS.) What?
SUSAN. There�s a Spaghetti sauce stain on that dress.
BARBARA. Didn�t I tell you?
SUSAN. Uhmmm� No?
BARBARA. Scott threw his lasagna at me for interrupting him. (A beat.)
SUSAN. That asshole.
BARBARA. I�ll be back in a few, I have to get the laundry started. (Exits.)
(SUSAN finishes her APPLE and bottle of WATER and throws them away under the SINK. She sees a COOKIE JAR; she looks at them and licks her lips deciding if she wants one. She takes a COOKIE out and sets it on the COUNTER looking at it. Finally She takes it up and eats it.)
SUSAN. Mmm� This is good. (SHE gets another COOKIE, she is about to take a bite when the DOOR opens and SCOTT enters.)
SCOTT. So I guess your diet is down the drain.
SUSAN. (Glaring evilly.) I guess your marriage is down the drain.
SCOTT. What was that? What happened?
SUSAN. (SHE puts uneaten COOKIE back in COOKIE JAR.) Oh not a whole lot. Barb just told me what happened at Cielo Bello.
SCOTT. (A little upset.) Oh� She did? I feel so terrible about it.
SUSAN. (SHE snaps at him.) You should!
SCOTT. I spilled her ravioli all over her lap.
SUSAN. (Still mad.) You mean fettuccini alfredo in white clam sauce.
SCOTT. (Confused.) What? She didn�t have fettuc�
SUSAN. (Cuts him off.) You lie!
SCOTT. Will you just listen to me? (SUSAN crosses her arms.) Look there�s some obvious problem here I don�t know about.
SUSAN. You are an asshole, that�s the problem.
SCOTT. Susan, you�ve known me about four years now. You know I�m not an asshole.
SUSAN. (Typical angry woman response.) Mmm�
SCOTT. Okay� Let me see. (HE reaches into his back pocket and retrieves his WALLET. He opens it and pulls out a RECEIPT.) I think this is it. (Opens it.) Yes it is� Look. (HE hands the RECEIPT to SUSAN.) I don�t think you�ll find anything containing the words �fettuccini alfredo in while clam sauce.�
SUSAN. This has to be an old receipt.
SCOTT. (Takes back RECEIPT.) No. It�s right here at the bottom. See? (HE hands the receipt back.) Besides� Barbara is allergic to seafood.
SUSAN. Why did Barb say all that� Stuff? (SHE hands the RECEIPT back to SCOTT.)
SCOTT. What happened? (THEY sit on the two BAR STOOLS.)
SUSAN. Well. (A beat.) She said that you were flirting with the waitress.
SCOTT. Waitress? (HE looks at receipt.) Our server�s name was Roberto, employee number 63. Does that sound like a very feminine name?
SUSAN. Flirting. She said you were flirting.
SCOTT. I only have eyes for Barbara� (A beat.) Want more proof? Find the dress she was wearing last night.
SUSAN. She just left to do laundry, but I�ve seen the dress.
SCOTT. I�m confused. What�s�
SUSAN. Going on?
SCOTT. Yes. (A pause.)
SUSAN. I understand it now� Yes�
SCOTT. Wha---?
(The DOOR opens and BARBARA enters.)
BARBARA. Hi honey. (SHE goes to KISS HIM but he avoids it.) What�s the matter? Was rush hour that bad?
SCOTT. Not quite rush hour.
SUSAN. Barb, why did you lie?
BARBARA. About?
SUSAN. You know what! You just told me about it a few minutes ago. The waitress?
BARBARA. I didn�t lie.
SCOTT. Yes you did.
BARBARA. (To SUSAN.) Who are you going to trust Susan? Me, who you�ve known since we were five, or Scott, who you met a few years ago?
SUSAN. (SHE takes a step back.) This isn�t really my business. You two need to settle this yourself. (To audience.) This would make an awesome Soap Opera.
(A pause.)
BARBARA. You said you were going to leave me.
SCOTT. Come on� I didn�t say that.
BARBARA. Yes, you did!
SCOTT. When did I say that?
BARBARA. At the restaurant.
(A beat.)
SCOTT. What is the matter Barb? Am I that terrible?
BARBARA. No. You� You aren�t.
SCOTT. Then tell me, why do you bad-mouth me to your best friend?
BARBARA. (SHE starts crying.) I don�t know! I� I just don�t know. This is� Jus�
SCOTT. (Interrupts.) Just what? A huge sack of bullshit, that�s what it is.
BARBARA. (SHE grabs the VASE on the COUNTER and throws it at the wall.) It�s not! I�m not lying! (SHE looks at SUSAN.) I told you the truth! I did!
SCOTT. Honey, I still love you� (HE goes to clean up the VASE. HE is CUT by it.) Ouch!
BARBARA. Look at that� Now I�ve caused you to become hurt.
SCOTT. Will you look at that� The vase isn�t even Italian, it says right there, �Made in Taiwan.� It�s not even an antique! �1985.� (A beat.) And no, I�ve been hurt since Susan confronted me. I�m confused. I just don�t know what to believe anymore. (HE grabs a TOWEL and wipes HIS CUT.) I have to� Get a breath of fresh air and think. (HE leaves.)
BARBARA. (SHE gets a BROOM and starts sweeping the broken pieces of the VASE into a DUSTPAN.) What am I going to do�?
SUSAN. (Clears HER throat.) Barb� You know I love you like a sister, but. You brought this on yourself.
BARBARA. How?
SUSAN. I need to ask you a question. (BARBARA faces her.) Is this because of Bobby?
BARBARA. Bobby?
SUSAN. Remember. When we were seventeen. You had a boyfriend named Bobby that you were head over heels for. And he always threatened to dump you. And treated you like crap. He was just a horrible person. And you were with him for three years.
BARBARA. I wasted three years on that sack of�
SUSAN. Shhh! (A beat.) I remember this from my psychology class in college. It�s called stimulus generalization. Let�s say, something happens to you, and you have a reaction to it, such as fear. Bobby treated you like you were worthless. You were around this for three years. It is a learned condition.
BARBARA. Wait� How does that explain what is happening?
SUSAN. You had a learned condition of being treated like nothing, like a �nobody.� Then someone wonderful comes along, Scott. Who treats you like a princess, but since the life you lived for three years has taught you a certain pattern to life. You have developed stimulus generalization.
BARBARA. Now I�m really confused. What�s that?
SUSAN. Basically, you see something one way� Therefore you see everything else slightly similar to be the same way. You learned to think all men were like Bobby.
(A pause.)
BARBARA. Okay! I lied! Jesus! I lied! What am I supposed to do? He�s probably going to leave me now!
SUSAN. Is this the first time you�ve lied to me about him?
(A pause.)
BARBARA. He�s never hit me.
SUSAN. (Angry.) WHAT IN THE�? You mean� all of the times you said that he hit you, were lies?
BARBARA. (A beat.) Yes�
SUSAN. You must have told me at least one-hundred times!
BARBARA. Over-exaggerating, aren�t you?
SUSAN. Even that time when you two went to visit your mother in Palm Springs and your mother asked Scott to make her a bookshelf for her den. You went to tell him dinner was ready and he took one of the slabs of wood and hit you in the back? Even that�s a lie?
BARBARA. (A beat.) Yes.
SUSAN. And when you two went to that Halloween party dressed up as Ken and Barbie. And he grabbed Jose Canseco�s� Which really wasn�t Jose Canseco� Scott grabbed the bat and hit you in the head with it?
BARBARA. (A beat.) Even that is a lie. He never laid a finger on me with intention to hurt.
SUSAN. (A beat.) Why did you lie? WHY?
BARBARA. I DON�T KNOW!
SUSAN. You know, you are really screwed up. I just� (A beat.) I have to go. (SHE storms out the DOOR.)
(BARBARA is left alone in the kitchen. She picks up the DUSTPAN from the ground with the broken pieces of the VASE. She sets the DUSTPAN on the COUNTER. She gets some ELMBER�S GLUE out of a drawer. She begins picking through the pieces, attempting to glue it back together. She cuts herself)
BARBARA. Ouch! (SHE gets a TOWEL and starts cleaning up her hand.) I have to change. I have to! (SHE resumes working on VASE.) If I don�t, I�ll lose him. (A beat.) I love him. I can�t lose him. (SCOTT enters as BARBARA is still working on the VASE.)
SCOTT. Barb� I can�t do this anymore.
BARBARA. Scott, don�t. (SHE begins crying.)
SCOTT. (HE embraces her.) I can�t live like this. You are making me to be the bad guy in every situation.
BARBARA. I�ll change! I promise! Scott, I love you. I won�t do it anymore. Please!
(A pause.)
SCOTT. It�s not that you need to change. You�ve betrayed me so badly without meaning to. I�ll be back someday. But for now, I need to be alone. (A beat.) I do love you, Barb. (HE kisses her forehead.) I just. I �
BARBARA. Don�t do this. Don�t�
SCOTT. I have to. (BARBARA grabs the biggest piece of broken GLASS from the DUSTPAN.)
BARBARA. I�ll � (SHE puts the GLASS to her wrist.) I � If I don�t have you� I don�t want to be�
SCOTT. No� You don�t want to do that. (HE embraces HER and KISSES HER, long and passionate.) I love you very much Barbara� I just need some time. (HE grabs HER HAND and lowers it toward the DUSTPAN.) Now drop the glass. (SHE lets go of the GLASS.)
BARBARA. Scott, I just can�t live without you. You are all I know. You are� My life.
SCOTT. But you are still your own person, I can�t be your life, you have your own life.
BARBARA. I need help.
SCOTT. We�ll get you help.
BARBARA. We will?
SCOTT. Yes. But� I have to go� Good-bye. I�ll see you soon. (HE walks out the door.)
BARBARA. (SHE heads out after him, but is standing in the door way.) Scott! (A beat.) Scott!! (A beat.) Scott! Come back! Don�t go! Please! (A beat.) It�s still rush hour! (A beat.) I love you.
(SHE walks back to the VASE. SHE continues to GLUE it back together. SHE stops. SHE sobs.)
BARBARA. I need more glue. (SHE gets a KLEENEX and blows her nose. LIGHTS OUT.)
