NOBODY WANTS TO BE LONELY

by Lisa Kennard

Alex dropped the small white tablet into her glass of water and watched as it fizzed, tiny bubbles fiercely rushing upwards until they exploded on the surface. Her head was pounding as she knocked the water back, the effervescent liquid jumping over her tongue and down her throat.

"Take it you had a good night last night?" Kerri asked with a faint smile, as she entered the surgery kitchen.

Alex slumped into the chair at the table and rested her head on her hand. "I don’t really remember much about it," she admitted.

"Look, why don’t you go home and get some rest. I’m sure Will and Tom can cope if your not feeling up to it…..can’t you Tom?" Kerri asked as the good-looking doctor breezed casually in through the door.

"Huh?" he asked, noticing Alex was looking a bit pale and worn.

"If Alex goes home……she’s not feeling too good!"

"Yeah sure," he said, as he looked worryingly at Alex.

Alex avoided his gaze, as she pushed herself up from the table. "It’s alright, I’ll be fine," she said as she headed off to her consultation room. There was no way she was going to let Tom know how much she was hurting. So, last night she had had a few too many, but that wasn’t the real problem. The real problem was her and Tom…….the operation…….the fact that she might not be able to have children. That was the real pain she was feeling inside, not just the effects of a hangover as everyone believed. And she knew that no matter how many pills she swallowed that pain would remain……..unless she did something about it. But was she strong enough?

Alex sat quietly in her office for most of the morning. The grogginess had remained; her eyes felt tired, her head felt heavy and she began to wish she had gone home after all. The writing on the page in front of her danced about out of focus and she found herself re-reading lines over again. She couldn’t concentrate her mind on anything…..apart from Tom. Every few minutes her thoughts seemed to wander back to him. His sweet smile. His caring touch. The prickly feeling that ran up her neck whenever he walked into the room. She sighed as she realised she missed him. She missed him, and everything about him!

There was a soft rapping on her door and Will’s head peered round. "Knock, knock," he said, smiling sweetly at Alex as he pushed the door open a bit wider. "Is it alright if I come in?"

Alex nodded, forcing her lips up at the edges in a half-smile. She pushed her paperwork away from her, glad of the excuse to leave it.

"Tom said you weren’t feeling too good, eh?" he said, approaching the subject cautiously as he sat down across from her. He was well aware of Alex’s defensive manner whenever she was pushed and skirted delicately around the subject of their break-up to avoid coming up against a brick wall.

"I’m fine…." she tried, but it was obvious to Will that she wasn’t. Alex gave up the act and said no more.

"Kerri seems to think that you had a bit of a wild night last night?"

"God! Is everybody talking about me?!" she exclaimed, her eyes darting around the room refusing to meet Will’s.

"They’re worried about you Alex! We all are!"

Alex let her eyes meet Will’s. Their sensitive stare stirred feelings deep inside and she fought back the tears that pricked her eyes, "Well you don’t need to be!" she cried, standing so abruptly that she felt her head sway a little. "I’m fine!" Regaining her balance, she marched out of the office, leaving Will staring after her.

"No Alex, you’re not," he whispered, as he relaxed back in the chair. "Everything is far from fine!"

Tom watched Alex from a distance as she moved about the surgery that day. He was increasingly worried about her and her drinking habits for that matter. She seemed to bury herself in a bottle, blotting out her troubles with alcohol, numbing the pain that she was feeling inside. Tom understood the way that she was feeling. He felt it too! But when she wouldn’t let him near, there was no hope of getting over it.

Tom tried to find the courage to try and talk to her, but Alex seemed to brush away every opportunity that presented itself. Their conversation existed only as comments about the weather and a couple of patients with worrying symptoms. On the whole they avoided each other, an icy air developing in the room whenever they were together. A robust tension full of unspoken words and unanswered questions had developed; a barrier between them that refused to be knocked down, and every time Tom tried to come in close, Alex pushed him away.

Tom walked into the meeting room, to find Alex alone leaning against the wall, hugging a cup of coffee. She was staring out of the window, living a dream in her mind and unaware of his presence. He could have turned around and walked out again and she wouldn’t have noticed he’d been there, but he decided to stay.

"You feeling any better?" he asked startling her awake.

"Hum…yeah," she said weakly, as she turned to look at him.

An awkward silence followed. Alex mentally examined Tom and realised that he probably wasn’t looking much better than she. His unshaven face looked tired and etched with worry. His hair had been left to grow longer than usual, replacing his neat trimmed cut. His whole look was rather more rugged, but he still had that charming attractiveness that made her heart flutter. She pulled her eyes away and looked back out of the window.

Tom had noticed the fleeting moment when her gaze had lingered on his physique. He saw it as a sign of hope; she still cared for him, no matter how much she tried to deny it.

"Alex?" he tried, but she had sensed the expectant tone of his voice and was already heading out of the door.

"I’m busy….I’ll speak to you later Tom," she said as she went.

Tom sighed as he watched her go. Why wouldn’t she let him near? He just wanted to hold her, to feel her body entwined with his, to smell the soft scent of her perfume as she brushed past him. He wanted things to go back to the way they were before, but Alex’s operation had come between them. Or rather the possible outcome of it had. Tom wondered if Alex would ever recover from the news that she may not have children. He wondered if their rift would ever mend, if they had any chance in the future? He hoped that time would heal their pain and lead them back to each other.

Alex pulled herself another glass of wine as she sat at her kitchen table. She lifted the glass to her lips taking a long sip of the sweet red syrup, but pushed it away again. It wasn’t what she wanted really. It didn’t make her feel any better. In fact the taste was beginning to make her feel sick.

Staring into the murky depths of the glass, she thought about what had happened between her and Tom over the last few months. It had been a stressful time for both of them, but she had pushed him away, insensitive to his feelings and the torture she was causing him. It was hard for her to open up to anyone, but she feared opening up to Tom most of all. She didn’t want to hurt him, to lose him, though something inside told her that she already had.

Lowering her head to the table, she nestled it onto her folded arms. Her lack of sleep was finally catching up with her, as she closed her eyes tightly shut. She would sleep here and now, she thought, unable to find the energy to carry herself upstairs. Here….and….now…..

The piercing sound of the front doorbell interrupted her darkness. Shaking her head as she opened her eyes, she focused her mind on the sound. Yes, it was definitely the front doorbell. The murkiness in front of Alex’s eyes seemed worse than ever as she dragged herself through the hall to open the door. The fresh evening air hit her hard in the face, making her empty stomach churn up inside.

"Tom?!" she gasped, holding onto the door to keep herself standing.

"Alex?" He was shocked at her wan appearance. "Are you alright?" he asked worried.

Alex didn’t answer.

"Can I come in?" he asked as he moved past her and she shut the door behind him. Leaning back on the closed door, she gathered her strength and then followed him through the hallway.

"What do you want Tom?" she asked, composing herself as she watched him surveying the mess in her kitchen.

"I came to see how you were…..and it’s a good job to, judging by the state you’re in," he gestured to the bottle on the table.

"Well you didn’t need to, I’m fine!" she remarked defiantly. "I haven’t even had that much to drink, so you don’t have to worry!"

"But you look awful Alex!"

"Gee! Thanks!"

Tom turned her round to face him, "I’m worried about you! You’re not looking after yourself properly! For Christ sake Alex…….when did you last eat a proper meal………you’ve not long been out of hosp……." he trailed off as Alex went weak in his arms.

"Alex…… ALEX!" He lowered her gently onto a kitchen chair.

"It’s ok, I’m fine," she protested, but she didn’t look it. Her face was drained and waxen, her eyes were dull and unfocused. Tom felt her burning forehead and resting two fingers on the underside of her wrist he felt her pulse. It was racing.

"Alex, how long have you been feeling like this?" Tom asked, trying to keep the alarm out of his voice.

"I dunno….since last night I guess," she mumbled, flopping forward slightly in the chair. "I’m not drunk!" she said as Tom held her body up.

"I know sweetheart," he said, scooping her up into his arms.

"Where are we going?" she inquired weakly.

"I’m taking you upstairs to bed," he answered, tackling the steps cautiously. "Then I’m gonna give Will a call," he said, laying her gently between the covers.

Alex’s eyes closed as her head made contact with the pillow. Tom watched her fragile form on the bed and he mentally kicked himself for not coming sooner. "Oh Alex!" he sighed, as he dialled Will’s number.

Will examined Alex and then went to talk to Tom. "Looks like an infection to me," he agreed in a hushed tone, confirming Tom’s diagnosis.

"Shit! I should have noticed earlier," Tom chided himself.

"Don’t blame yourself Tom, she hasn’t exactly let you near recently has she? Besides, this probably wouldn’t have happened if she’d looked after herself properly. She’s falling apart Tom. She’s not as strong as she likes to make out."

He knew Will was right, but it didn’t make him feel any better. He leaned his head back on her bedroom wall and looked past Will to where she lay. He watched her chest rise and fall in time as she slept.

"She’s going to be fine Tom." Will reassured him. "We’ve caught it fairly early. I’ve given her some antibiotics….they should start working straight away. She’s also anaemic, but we’ll dose her up on iron tabs." Will looked encouragingly at Tom and gave him a pat on the shoulder. "It’s good that you came round."

Tom breathed a sigh of relief. He wondered if Alex would ever have admitted that she wasn’t feeling well or whether it would have only been discovered when she didn’t turn up at work one day. He thought back to her cancer scare and how she had kept it from him. Why did she always want to fight things on her own?

Alex stirred in the bed and opened her eyes. The first thing she focused on was Tom and she looked a little surprised that he was there. Her body still ached, her head was still throbbing, but her mind was clearer than it had been and it only took her a little while to remember what had happened.

"Tom," she spoke softly, as the recognition sunk in.

"Hello," he answered. "How are you feeling?"

"You’re still here!" she exclaimed quietly, ignoring the question.

"Of course I’m still here," he cooed. "I’ll always be here."

Alex smiled inwardly to herself as she closed her eyes and dropped off back to sleep again. Tom had meant what he said. He’d always be there for Alex….if she’d let him!

"Breakfast!" Tom declared as he pushed a tray of food in front of Alex as she pulled herself up into a sitting position. The smell of bacon had made her hungry drifting up the stairs, but now that it was placed in front of her she was unsure about whether she could manage it. She smiled apologetically in Tom’s direction.

"Not to worry," he said. "There’s some toast there you can nibble on. You’ve got to eat something….get your strength back."

She smiled faintly again and picked up the glass of orange juice.

"Why did you come yesterday?" Alex asked curiously.

"Because I wanted to talk with you," Tom replied. "Things couldn’t be left the way they were between us."

Alex took a bite of the toast and chewed it round in her mouth. It didn’t have much taste but she continued to eat it to please Tom, "But….I’ve been so horrible to you recently."

"Tell me about it," he quipped. "Talk about making life difficult." He tried to keep the conversation light-hearted, but it had a deeper meaning for the pair of them. The moment grew more intense as neither said anything for a while and Tom decided to leave. He moved towards the door of Alex’s room, "Look, I’ll let you get on with your breakfast in peace," he said as he opened it and went to step out. He took a last look at Alex and thought he saw her lips move in an effort to say something, but nothing came out. She’d changed her mind and as Tom realised that she wasn’t going to speak, he left the room.

As the door shut on the room leaving Alex alone, she silently cursed herself for not saying anything.

"How’s the patient this morning?" Will asked Tom in a hushed tone unaware that Alex had appeared from behind him.

"Better, thanks!" she said and he turned around to see her standing in the doorway. She was up, showered and dressed, her hair tied neatly back in a ponytail. Will thought that she did look a lot brighter, but he still couldn’t help worrying about her.

"Good," he said, gesturing to a pulled out chair at the kitchen table.

Alex pulled a face, "Will?!"

"Sit!"

She did as she was told.

"Right, well we’re not expecting you back at work this week, so take it easy, ok?"

"Will I don’t need all of this fuss…..I’m fine!" Alex spoke through gritted teeth. She didn’t want to be wrapped up in cotton wool.

"Tough, you’re outvoted," added Tom. "We’ll cope until you’re back on your feet!"

"Tom!" She gave him a sideways glance, but he ignored it. Alex gave up defeated. The two men standing in her kitchen were not going to back down.

Later that day Alex sat alone in the living room and she did something that she hadn’t done for a while. Alex picked Joe up and sat him on her lap. It was the first time she’d allowed herself to hold him after everything that had happened. At first it had been hard to even look at him and she had found it difficult to explain why to Tom. It just was! That was what she had said and he’d been unsatisfied with her answer.

As she held Joe in her arms, she wondered why herself. He was a gorgeous little guy and she found herself loving him as her own……but he wasn’t was he? He would never be her baby. He was Tom’s and Joanna’s child. It was their connection; something that she feared she’d never have with Tom, and wanted so badly.

At that moment Tom walked into the living room from the connecting hallway and stood agape at the sight in front of him, "Alex?"

Alex was startled and felt like she’d been caught out doing something that she shouldn’t. "I….I…..He was crying!" she lied.

"It’s ok Alex," Tom said reassuring her. "Joe’s missed you!"

That made Alex feel guilty, "I’ve missed him too!"

"Come back to us Alex!" Tom spoke almost pleadingly. "We’ve both missed you!"

Alex couldn’t answer, she wasn’t sure what to say. Deep down she knew it was what she wanted, but it wasn’t that easy. Or was it? Was this her last chance of happiness? She felt like she should reach out and grab it with both hands, but she felt frozen. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t speak. Tom was waiting for an answer and it wouldn’t come.

"I can’t!" Alex stood abruptly, handed Joe to Tom and headed out the room.

Tom called after her, but she didn’t listen. A few seconds later the front door slammed and he was left standing in the middle of Alex’s house, wondering what had just happened. Sighing, he moved Joe to his other arm, grabbed his car keys from the coffee table and headed out after her. As he reached the front door he saw Alex’s car disappearing around the corner and he vowed to go after her. He couldn’t leave things the way they were.

"Morning love, how are you?" Carol asked as Alex walked past the reception desk of The Beeches.

"Fine, thanks!" Alex replied embarrassed, her cheeks flushing red slightly. She smiled weakly in Carol’s direction and headed off towards the stairs, her head down.

Emerging from his consultation room, Will does a double take as he spots her and then turns to Carol, "Was that Alex?"

Carol nods.

"What the hell is she doing here?"

Tom pulled his car up alongside Alex’s at The Beeches and cut the engine. He’d guessed this was where she was headed and had dropped Joe off at home with Leanne on the way. He’d arrived only a little behind her, and rushed off inside to find her.

Carol and Will were standing at the front desk when he arrived.

"Tom? What’s Alex doing here?" Will asked worried.

"I don’t know!……she upstairs?" he cast a questioning look at Carol a she headed towards them.

"Yeah, but I wouldn’t….." she cried and he stopped momentarily in his tracks. "….I got the feeling she wanted to be on her own."

He thought for a moment but ascended anyway.

Downstairs in the waiting area Will and Carol shrugged. "I hope they sort this out," Will mused, lowering his glasses on his nose to read a report that Carol had placed in front of him. He signed the document and headed back to his room.

Carol raised her eyes to the ceiling and listened. Well, at least she couldn’t hear any arguing.

Tom opened her office door without even knocking. "Alex?" he called as he ventured inside.

There she was, leaning back in her chair almost waiting for him to turn up. She looked like she’d been crying, but now her face was only tearstained and tired.

"Alex are you alright?"

"Where’s Joe?" she asked.

"With Leanne……I thought it would be better if we sorted this out on our own."

"There’s nothing to sort out," she added defiantly.

"Well, I think there is," Tom was hurt. "Alex? How can you just brush what we had under the carpet like it never existed? How can you shut me out? Why won’t you come back to me? Come back to me and Joe!" His voice quavered slightly and it sent a shiver through Alex. She was hurting the man she loved and she hated that.

"Will you at least think about it?" Tom finished, more composed.

"I’ve already thought about it………….I’ve thought about nothing else."

Tom noticed something in her voice. It was a faint tinge of hope, and he clung to it, "And?"

"Don’t push me Tom!"

It was not the answer he had hoped for, but it wasn’t a definite NO either! "I’m sorry," he said backing off. "I’ll wait for you Alex. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. How ever long it takes, I’ll be here for you."

Alex fixed her lips around the edge of her cigarette and inhaled. The smoke lingered in her mouth, before forcing it’s way into her lungs. It had a calming effect, soothing her as she breathed in yet another puff of nicotine.

"Alex!" Tom appeared from nowhere.

"What?" she asked, frustrated at not being able to find any time to herself.

"I thought you said you’d give up again after the operation."

"It’s not that simple," she said taking another drag.

"You did it before."

"Tom!" she yelled as he snatched the cigarette from her fingers and stamped it out on the floor.

"When are you going to start looking after yourself?" he asked concerned.

"When I feel like it," she moved away from him and after a while he moved to keep up with her.

"Alex," he reached for her arm and she turned around to face him, but unable to hold his deep caring gaze she lowered her eyes to the floor.

"Look at me Alex," his voice was firm and she obeyed, but it was hard. Staring into his azure eyes, she realised how much she was hurting him and that broke her inside. Her heart was his, it always would be. Why was she holding back?

"When is it going to get through to you Alex?……..I love you!"

Tears formed in the corner of her eyes. Those words meant so much to her. After everything that had happened, after everything she had put him through, he could still say it. And he meant it!

Alex only wished she could say them back to him. She struggled to express her feelings, but nothing came out. Tom loosened his grip on her arms as the moment passed. Tom remembered his vow to wait for her and backed off…….he didn’t want to push her more than he already had. As he turned away to head back inside, Alex reached out her arm for him. Just before it made contact with his shoulder, she stopped herself and pulled it back. Tom hadn’t noticed the action and headed off inside unaware.

"God!" Alex sighed, exasperated and held her head in her hands. Once again she had let an important moment pass and if she wasn’t careful, she’d let the man she loved slip through her fingers. She did not want that to happen. She just didn’t seem to have any control over what happened anymore.

Alex took a deep breath and pushed open Tom’s office door. There he was behind his desk, surprised to see her. She stood frozen in the doorway, her earlier confidence evaporating at the site of him. Her lip quivered as she searched for the words.

Tom rose from his desk and moved around towards her apprehensively. He had not been expecting a visit from her at all and was startled at her entrance, but this now turned to worry as she hovered hesitantly in the corner of the room, "Alex?…….you ok?"

"I need to talk to you Tom!" she blurted quickly committing herself to a conversation.

"Everything’s been so complicated lately," Alex spoke, the strain evident in her voice. Tom nodded intently as he listened. For so long he had wanted Alex to open up and talk to him and now here she was in his office doing just that. He wanted to show her support, offer a little bit of tender loving care, but he still felt frightened of making the wrong move. He moved tentatively round her as she explained.

"I found it hard to come to terms with it all," Alex began. "So many feelings and emotions at once. First I thought I had cancer and all I could think of was how I lost my mother." A stray tear rolls down her cheek.

"Going through the operation was one of the hardest things I have ever done," she smiles weakly at Tom, "and I couldn’t have done it without you there." Tom allows himself to return the smile and he reaches for her hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.

"Then I was happy to find out that it wasn’t what I thought it was, but then I’m faced with something else…….and ……I’ve treated patients who have been through what I’ve been through!" she said defiantly, angry with herself for not being able to cope with it all.

"It doesn’t make it any easier Alex," Tom tried to dispel her self-criticism.

"I…..I……just feel like everything’s falling apart. My relationship with my Dad after I lost my mum…..then when I married Paul……..I don’t want the same thing to happen between us, but it’s all just taking over. All unfolding before I can stop it."

"Why would you lose me?" Tom asked gently.

"I can’t give you children Tom! I can’t compete with Joanna anymore."

Shocked silence flew around the room, as Alex realised what she’d said and Tom took it all in.

"You don’t need to compete with Jo," he said slowly. "What I shared with Joanna and what I share with you now are completely different…..but both are very special. YOU are very special. I love you for you!"

"You need to believe in yourself Alex……..since the operation you’ve opened yourself up to self-doubt and you have lost all sense of who you are."

"I’m not sure I know anymore…….maybe I’ve changed."

"Alex……..you’ve been through a lot, you’ve got to expect things to be a little different……but you still have control of your life. You don’t have to cope on your own."

"Huh?! You mean the Endo. Association* right?"

"No I wasn’t referring to them Alex….but if you think they’ll help…."

"I couldn’t talk to complete strangers," she interrupted quickly and then she asked, "What were you referring to?"

"I meant me Alex! You don’t have to be alone! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you since we split up," he winced slightly remembering their problems. "I want to help you through this!"

Alex watched as Tom clenched the fist at his side and then release it. He was anxious. She wanted to reach out and hold him, caress him, soothe his tensions. Something inside told her to hold back, but this time she wasn’t listening. As she moved closer towards him, his eyes darted unsure. Her hand reached for his dark hair and she ran her fingers through it, his body relaxing at her touch and he wrapped his arms across her back. He had wanted to touch her for so long and he enjoyed the sensation of her body so close.

Tilting her head slightly, she manoeuvred in towards his face and her eyes shut as her lips made contact with his. A kiss, soft and slow to begin with, growing stronger and more intense as Tom realised it was what she wanted. It was something they had both craved for so long and they were giving in to it now. Alex fought the mixed messages in her brain as she was carried away by Tom’s affection.

Alex suddenly pulled back. "What about kids?" she asked, daring to ruin the moment.

"You are more important to me," he parted her fringe and planted a kiss on her forehead. "Now, are we going to make it?" he asked, afraid that she would push him away again.

"We can try!" Alex smiled and rested her head on his shoulder. Never before had she been so sure of what she wanted. She wanted Tom. She wanted Joe. She wanted them to be a family. She shivered as she realised she’d almost lost it all.

THE END!

*Endometriosis Association – self-help organisation for those who have suffered from Endometriosis