Claire’s office after her suicide attempt was a scene of complete destruction. In her anger, before she swallowed most of a bottle of pills, she had wreaked havoc on the room; shoved everything off her desk, yanked out her drawers, thrown papers and equipment everywhere. Afterwards Will went back and cleared up. He knew both Tom and Alex would have hated the job and, strangely enough, he didn’t seem to feel anything towards her now she was gone. Kneeling, he swept stacks of papers together and dumped them in one of the discarded drawers to be sorted later. He wasn’t looking at any of them in particular but the writing on one caught his eye. Handwritten. Dear Alex it began. He stared at it, uncertain. The piece of paper seemed to become heavier in his hand, not just paper anymore but a responsibility; although perhaps that was just because he was so tired, overwrought with the stress of the day. Dear Alex His eyes were drawn back to it. It wasn’t a proper letter, he reasoned. Not like opening a sealed envelope. And it was Claire who was writing. Giving it to Alex would probably upset her and with Claire gone there was no need for it. He should really vet the letter first and then give it to Alex, maybe. Dear Alex He had to know more. He turned over Claire’s desk chair, setting it the right way up, and dragged the lamp, the only thing that didn’t seem to be broken, a little closer. He read…
Dear Alex
I love you. Why is that so hard for you to understand? You know I love you. You’ve always known it. Why won’t you just admit it? I could make you so happy. I could make you smile again. We always used to have so much fun together. You don’t smile like that anymore, Alex. I miss it. I miss your smile. I miss seeing you light up and laugh till you couldn’t stand. I miss all that fun. We could have all that over again. He doesn’t make you smile like that, does he? I would bet my life on the fact that you’ve never had anywhere near as much fun with him as you had with me. He’s boring Alex. He’s holding you back and trapping you. You call it love but what do you really know about loving someone. I love you. I would follow you to the other side of the earth to tell you that. I came here for you, didn’t I. I will never stop loving you and I will never stop telling you that I do. I love you. I love you. I love you and I always will. I hated us being apart, never seeing your face, never even able to fool myself that we might bump into each other. I hated knowing that you weren’t somewhere else in the same building or the same camp as me. I hated not knowing you were even in the same country as me. I hated the thought that I might never ever see your face again. I couldn’t live like that Alex. I can’t live like that. I came here to see you, you can’t just brush me off. You can’t pretend that I don’t love you because I am never going to stop. You have to believe me. You kissed me Alex and you gave me the happiest moments of my life. Why can’t you face that? Please, I can help you. Don’t pretend that what we have shared never existed. I can live if you will only do that. But not if you want to throw me out of your life. You know I can’t do that. I can’t carry on without you. Give me a chance Alex. Please give me just one chance to make you happy. If I could just show you how wonderful you have made my life and share it with you. You must feel something for me Alex. You wouldn’t kiss me like that if you didn’t. And don’t try to hide your guilt in lame excuses that I kissed you. Yes I did because you would never have done anything without me. I had to show you how much I need you, thank you for being you and being there, for listening to me like no one else has ever done. I had to show you I love you Alex. So I kissed you. I couldn’t resist you. You’re so beautiful, so gentle, so strong, so perfect. I had to. But you kissed me back. You can’t deny that. You can’t forget that. You touched my face with your hand. You touched my lips with yours. You meant it. I can never forget that Alex and you can’t either. That’s why I’m still here. I know you love me. You proved that to me. Forget about feeling guilty Alex. He can live without you. I can’t.
I love you.
Claire
Will shivered. He hadn’t read such intensity of feeling on paper in a long time. So this was the true Claire. He felt suddenly embarrassed, like he had intruded on something extremely personal. Slowly he put the piece of paper down on the desk. Now what to do?
*********
He avoided making eye contact with Alex as he pressed the paper into her hand. "Just read it," he had said before turning on his heel and walking wearily from the room.
She had sat for what seemed like hours on the sofa, clutching the letter tightly, staring into mid-air at nothing in-particular.
"Pull yourself together dammit," she had whispered to herself, hating the fact that even now, even after everything, Claire still had control over her emotions, could make her cry one minute, and laugh until her sides ached the next.
She took a deep breath and unfolded the letter, which had become a crumpled ball of paper in her clenched palm. And then she read.
'I love you.' 'Could make you so happy' ' Please just give me one more chance to make you happy.'
Tears stung her eyes as she read, running down her smooth cheeks. dropping onto the paper, and smudging the black ink.
'I would follow you to the other side of the Earth to tell you that I love you, I could make you smile again.'
The words blurred on the page, but Alex fought the tears. She wanted to read on. It was the one line that hit her the hardest, just a few words that would change how she saw everything, how she felt about everyone.
'Forget about feeling guilty Alex, he can live without you. I can't."
Imagine not being able to live without someone. People say it all the time, but to actually mean it. To honestly know that if you couldn't be with that one person, you'd rather not be at all.
Did Tom love her like that? She didn’t know. Didn't think so. But was that enough? Could she really take that much of a risk. Was Claire worth it? They had tried before and it hadn't worked out.
She didn't remember starting to write, but once she had, Alex couldn't stop, the pain easing with every word.
Dear Claire,
What would change if I told you I loved you too? Would you give me room to breathe, space on my own for a while. I don't think you could.
Because I do love you Claire, more than I thought possible, but that doesn't make this ok, doesn’t mean this is what should happen.
Yes, I can remember the good days, when we were happy, and yes, you did make me smile. But you also hurt me Claire. I sat on my own in the room for hours crying, and where were you? When I needed you most where were you?
I can't forget that day, hard as I've tried. You still haven’t said sorry for that - I think it would probably kill you wouldn't it.
I tried to understand why you behaved so badly since arriving here. You scared me Claire - my very best friend and I felt like I couldn’t even talk to you anymore.
I was walking on egg shells the whole time and that is not how I should be feeling around you, the one person who knows the real me, what makes me tick.
But you also knew how to hurt me didn’t you Claire. What buttons to push when you felt that I had let you down. Things have changed, we couldn't just pick up where we left off. That’s where the problems started, because you though we could, that I should drop everything to be with you again.
In a way I wish I had. It would have saved so much heartache, so many tears. But something stopped me, and it wasn't Tom, because while I do love him in my own way, he could never compare to you.
Something inside told me not too, that it was too big a risk too take. I gambled with my heart before Claire and lost - I wasn't going to do it again.
Seems silly now, I should have realised you would break my heart one way or another anyway- you always do.
To have given up everything I have worked so hard for to be with you would have been difficult, but this, to know how you feel, to realise that I love you too and yet still be hurting - its almost too much. I feel like I can never win with you Claire.
You must have known that I was always in love with you, couldn't you tell by the way I looked at you? You made me breathless just looking, - always so cool and calm, but I knew different, knew that all you wanted was a hug, and I liked knowing - it was our secret............ even if we did forget to share it with each other.
God Claire even as I sit here writing this you drive me crazy, just the thought of you makes me lightheaded, more now as you might not be coming back, that I may not see you again.
Which is why I'm leaving first this time, before I have the chance to see you again. If i thought for one second things would work out I'd be by your side now sweetheart, holding your hand. But I just don't think its possible.
We feel the same way, just react differently. You reach for me, smother me, cry for me, and I just run Claire. Away from you, and as far away from these feelings as possible.
So I'm going. Away from here, away from Tom, and away from the memories. I know you'll read this, get up and come after me.
And you know what, I really hope you find me.
I love you.
Alex.