My mother gave me the idea for this song...
Allan Sherman-esque intro.
I have searched the wide world over
And thus traveled here and there;
From Islamabad to Dover,
And, in fact, just about everywhere.
But, though I have repeatedly scoured the various seas,
I still have not found what I seek, so
Won't you tell me, please....
Refrain
Where the heck are my keys?
I can't find my keys.
Where'd I put my keys?
Anyone seen my keys?
Note: Between each line of the refrain, background singers should be repeating the refrain's first line, which changes throughout the song. You'll see what I mean further down.
First verse
Why can't I ever find anything I need?
I find this very annoying indeed.
I put my keys down for a second and then,
I'm unable to find them ever again.
I have looked in every cranny and nook,
and I've gotten on my hands and knees.
Refrain, replacing "heck" with "hell"
Bridge
If I find them again, I'll tell you what I'll do:
I'll have the set duplicated, thus making two. (sets, that is)
So if I lose one set, I'll have a back-up
And I can save myself the trouble of having to crack up.
I'll thank the person who designed 'em
If I can only find 'em!!!!!!
Second & final verse, after a short interlude that takes on the form of a verse
They don't seem to be on the coffee table.
They aren't on the TV set (which gets great cable).
They aren't on the shelf or on my desk.
This situation is getting very grotesque.
I have combed my entire home.
Won't you help me put my mind at ease?
Tell me...
Refrain, replacing "hell" with "f*ck"
Background singers keep repeating refrain's first line while lead singer ad-libs complaints. Fade out like this.
* * * *
If I decide to put this song on an album one day, I'll put it on near the beginning and, throughout the rest of the album, be saying things like "Dang it, where ARE those stupid things?" in the background. I may actually find my keys at the end of the album. I haven't decided upon that yet.