STAR TRAKS: THE REDISCOVERED COUNTRY

BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
by RPS

Disclaimer: if I got a pound for every time I said this, I wouldn’t be rich as I haven’t said it that 
much, but I would be able to buy that neat new t-shirt. Anyway, Star Trek is owned by Paramount (created 
by Gene Roddenberry) and Star Traks by Alan Decker.




 “Captain, have you noticed we spend more time travelling back to Earth than in the other direction?”
“I have.”	
“It might just be me, but isn’t that the opposite to what we’re meant to be doing?”
“Yep.”
“Ah, OKAY. Just clearing that up.” As always, it was yet another boring night shift. Leftenant 
Hasselfree, the nerdy Security officer went back to his game of computer solitaire, and became 
rather happy when he found the ace of hearts hidden beneath the two of spades. In the command 
chair Captain McAllister seemed to be falling asleep, while at the helm Ensign Halbarad appeared 
to already be exploring the land of nod.
It had been yesterday when the Secondprize had received a message from Admiral Wagner ordering them 
back to Earth. Despite all the swearing of the human Captain of the ship they were again going to 
be conscripted as a passenger service. Again. Although it had been successful, no one on the ship 
wanted to experience again the troubles of Klang the Targ. At least this time they would hopefully 
have a human passenger.
Because of the constant zigzagging, even though they’d been out in space for several months they 
were only just over a days travel to Earth.
Just as Hasselfree was about to move the final king of Clubs on top of the Queen, the sight of the 
new International station orbiting Earth came into view, and an empty docking port was waiting for 
them. McAllister ordered the docking procedures to begin.
“Helm, slow us down to 1/4 impulse speed. Halbarad? Halbarad!” At the helm the Ensign stirred.
“No mammy, I don’t wanna go to school today.”
“Halbarad!” McAllister had got up, got over to the helm station and slapped the sleeping Ensign in 
the head. This was successful in waking her.
“What? Eh? Oh, slowing down to 1/4 impulse sir.” Slowly but surely the ship stopped and connected 
to the station, allowing personnel to move freely from one to the other.
Deciding that no one important would be up at this time, McAllister and all of the other crew went 
back to their quarters and slept until the morning.


 At 0800 hours, Captain T’Pal stood on front of the bed.
“Captain, wake up. It is time to go.” In the bed in front of her Cornelius McAllister stirred, 
then turned over to face away from her, pulling the blankets with him.
“This is shameful behaviour for a starship captain. Get up Corn.”
“Muehhh!!” The Vulcan had expected him to answer with a mumble. She grabbed the sheets, and yanked 
them off.
“Arrgghh!!! Its cold dammit.” McAllister was severely pissed, but at least he was up.
“Get dressed idiot, we’re meeting Admiral Wagner, Ambassador Soval and our passenger in 10 minutes.” 
McAllister flashed a thumbs-up at her as he went into the bathroom, and T’Pal heard the shower 
starting. 3 minutes later McAllister walked out, naked save for the towel hiding from his hips 
to his knees.
“Anyway, how the hell did you get in here. I thought I locked the door.”
“Richelieu let me in.”
“The dog let you in?” 
T’Pal shrugged.
“I have my ways. Now put a uniform on, we’re going to be late.” McAllister made an “if you don’t 
mind” face at her, so she turned around as he put on his underpants and Starfleet issue dress 
uniform. Unlucky for him he’d forgotten that large mirror he’d put near the door. Although she 
was Vulcan, and meant to block all emotions, T’Pal let herself laugh internally. Boy were the 
girls at the gym going to laugh about this one.
Seconds later the two Captains were out the door, and heading for the Starfleet offices aboard 
the station. Within 5 minutes they were waiting outside the station’s main conference room. The 
doors opened, revealing Admiral Wagner talking to a tall human, with Soval looking extremely 
irritated in the opposite corner. When the Admiral saw them, he pulled his guest over.
“Ah Captains! Welcome. You know Ambassador Soval, and you better know who I am or I’ll kill you. 
I would like to present to you King Winston III, monarch of England.” Wow, royalty. McAllister 
had never met the ruler of anything, yet here he was with the supreme ruler of one of the most 
influential countries in the world. Unsure how to greet him, McAllister remembered a film he’d 
seen, and did the same thing the main character had done when he’d met a King. He waved his hand, 
and said.
“Hey dude.” At the last moment McAllister recalled the name of the film: Surfers Rulez, a comedy 
when an idiot surfer became the Prime Minister, set in the 1990s. Admiral Wagner hit himself on 
the forehead, and the Vulcan sighed. T’Pal suddenly became very interested in her shoes, and 
6			Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

McAllister just smiled embarrassed. Lucky for him the monarch took this as a joke, and simply 
laughed.
“How splendid. Jolly good to meet you. I suppose you’re Captain McAllister, and you must be Captain 
T’Pal. Wonderfully squishing to meet you two.” As he said this he shook their hands and sat down. 
King Winston was a man in his 30’s, black hair, perfectly shaved and he was wearing a suit and tie. 
When he sat down, the 4 other occupants of the room did the same thing. Wagner started the briefing.
“In the 2070’s, shortly after Cochrane discovered Warp drive, the United Kingdom refitted three of 
its remaining nuclear submarines with basic Warp Cores and nacelles, and added several compartments. 
These submarines were then launched into space, where they set course for Wolf 359 at their maximum 
speed, which was Warp 1. On board there were slightly over 2000 men and women, all in cryogenic stasis. The last we heard from them was about 2130, when we received a message saying that they had settled and formed a colony called New Windsor in the Llanus system. A few days ago one of our deep space probes picked up signs of an advanced society, with technology similar to that from the 2070´s, on the third planet. We believe that this is the colony of the three subs.” King Winston finished for him.
“I want to go and visit my people. If this is it, this is the mans first colony in outer space, 
older even than the Moon or Mars. These people are heroes, and they deserve news from home.” Wagner 
took back over.
“Exactly. Captains, if this is them you will have to remember they come from a rather backwards 
culture. When they had left World War III had just finished, and the Vulcans weren’t even our 
allies, just explorers looking at our world. Do not be surprised if you encounter resistance.” 
“Just one question,” T’Pal asked. “What if this isn’t the colony, just some other aliens.”
“Well they’re advanced enough to make good allies, and meeting new races is one of your main 
objectives isn’t it. Anyway, you will be taking aboard 24 passengers, including King Winston and 
his wife, and several English bureaucrats and military. We’re loading the Secondprize now with 
extra supplies for the colony, and a couple days after a convoy of freighters will follow you at 
Warp 2. The Secondprize should depart soon. Good luck.” After McAllister and T’Pal left the King 
and the Admiral remained behind, and discussed, as Winston put it, “That Vulcan sure has a nice bum.”


 As far as McAllister knew, everything was going quite well. When he’d been told they were going 
to have to have a party to greet the King and 
his escort, he’d been quite apprehensive about it. At 38 years old, McAllister wasn’t the partygoer 
of the good ol’ days. So far he’d managed to pretty much stay away from everybody, but dread and 
fear found its way back into him when Cook announced that the food was going to be served. For 
this function they were using the Mess Hall, and several tables had been put up. He’d ended up 
on Table 1, along with T’Pal, King Winston and his wife, the Prime Minister and his chief engineer 
Commander La Force. Thanks to the great invention that were name tags, he found his seat between 
the King and La Force. To the left of the King was his wife, and even though they’d been introduced 
McAllister didn’t know her name, considering he doubted that her first name was Her, and her 
surname Majesty-the-Queen. After a starter of melon in a weird sauce that tasted like marmite, 
everyone was served Steak and Kidney pie, a la Delia. Being American, McAllister had never heard of 
this ‘Delia’, but she was supposed to have been a 20th-21st century cook who achieved a high status 
through her how to cook programmes.
“Oh Winnie-poo honey? Do you know where the salt is?” Silently to himself, McAllister wondered if 
there was a single meal the British didn’t have without salt. One of his room-mates back at the 
academy was Scottish, and one of his favourite meals had been Sodium Chloride tasting ice cream.
“I believe its beside Mr La Horse there my lovey-dovey teddy bear.”
“Its Force your highness. La Force.”
“Yes, of course. Could you please pass the salt.”
“Certainly. Can I just say you make a lovely couple.” The Royals seemed to miss the sarcasm in 
the statement. They smiled at each other, and then rubbed their noses together, laughing as they 
separated.
“Why thank you Mr. La Worse.” The Engineer sighed, and started attacking the meat on his dish. 
After they finished the main meal, the plates we’re taken away, and the dessert brought out. It 
consisted of chocolate ice cream with a chocolate sauce, and pieces of chocolate sprinkled in.
After the dinner there was a less formal gathering, where drinks were served. McAllister had gone 
over to the bar to get some banana liquor when he bumped intro the King.
“Ahh Cornie- can I call you Cornie?- I was hoping you would be able to give me a tour of the ship.”
“Certainly. Its one of the things we’ve got ready for tomorrow Winnie- can I call you Winnie?”
“You most certainly may not.” Offended, the King got his drink and stomped off. McAllister swapped 
his liquor for a whisky, and after drinking it down in one gulp, excused himself and went to bed.


 Several days later the Secondprize entered the Llanus system, and took up orbit around the planet. 
T’Pal, on the bridge, was surprised not be hailed, and even more surprised when their own attempts 
at communication weren’t answered.
“Hasselfree, scan for the settlement. Tell McAllister, the King and god knows who else we’re going 
down.”
When the colony had been found the shuttle pod bay was crowded by personnel wishing to go to the 
colony. It had been decided to take two shuttlepods down, the first one with McAllister, T’Pal, 
Hasselfree and several security officers, and Shuttlepod 2 with the King, his wife, the Prime 
Minister and several other British officials, with Ensign Banks piloting. The shuttlepod left 
the ship and the descent to the planet lasted 10 minutes. The shuttle pod with the Starfleet 
officers landed first, with the second pod landing soon after. As Hasselfree and the Secondprize 
red shirts fanned out exploring the area McAllister and T’Pal went to the Kings shuttle pod. Out 
of it came the King and his wife, followed by several body guards trying to push the King back 
into the security of the shuttle pod. Winston quickly pushed them away.
“Captains, what the hell happened here?” T’Pal answered:
“We don’t know. The structures are definitely of human design, although we haven’t picked up any 
life signs, or signs of life.”
“Life signs and signs of life? What’s the difference?”
“Our sensors should of been able to pick up life signs, probably body heat, where as signs of 
life would be an indication that someone had been here, such as footprints, or maybe the remains 
of a pizza they ate Friday night.”
“Huh, all this technological advancement and you can’t even find a single person. Would I be correct 
in saying that I’d be in exactly the same situation if I’d come here in a stinking rowing boat?” 
McAllister moved menacingly towards the King.
“Are you saying my ship is a stinking...” The Captain wasn’t able to get any further, as one of the 
Kings bodyguards stepped forward and punched McAllister hard in the face. McAllister spun round and 
fell to the ground. At the start of the fight Hasselfree came running to the scene.
“Hey you! Did you just hit the Captain?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Ah, Okay. Good point.” The Starfleet Security officer turned round and resumed his exploration of 
the camp. McAllister got up, rubbing his left cheek, which had turned a bright red.
“Ouch! T’Pal, hit him back.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said hit the idiot back.”
“I will do no such thing.”
“Why?”
“First I don’t take orders from you. Second you deserved it. And third, he’s now got a phase pistol 
pointed at you, and it would be a real pity for him to blow a large hole in your chest.”
“Good point. Where were we?” Before McAllister could resume his conversation Hasselfree came running 
out of nowhere.
“Sir! I found some food. In that big green building over there.” T’Pal looked at him strangely.
“Food? Can’t be, we would of picked up the organic signature light-years away.” McAllister grinned at 
her.
“When it comes to food, I trust Hasselfrees nose more than I’d trust our sensors.” Lead by an angry 
Hasselfree, everyone entered into a large green building, which reminded McAllister of the old 
supermarkets he’d seen in documentaries. Somewhere Hasselfree had managed to find a shopping cart, 
and as he led the group through the aisle he picked out food and threw it into the cart. They spent 
an hour exploring, and after finding nothing important the King urged the Starfleet officers to 
leave it and search elsewhere. While everyone was walking towards the doors, Hasselfree stayed 
behind, waiting at a till. McAllister ran back up to him.
“What do you think you’re waiting for?”
“Captain! I would never steal. I need to pay for this.”
“Hasselfree, no one is here. Who are you going to pay?” Just as McAllister finished his sentence 
the contents of Hasselfrees cart magically hovered in the air and settled down on a belt, which 
moved forwards. Within thirty seconds all the food had passed along the belt, and magically got 
into some plastic bags. A voice came out of nowhere.
“That will be forty sixty-nine please.” The sound surprised everyone. T’Pal turned around, looking 
for the source of the voice, but found no one other than the original group. McAllister shouted out.
“Okay, very funny. Which of you said that?” The group looked amused at each other. The voice was 
heard again.
“Its no joke. If you don’t like our prices, well tough.”
“Who are you?”
“That’s none of your beeswax. Now pay up or I’m calling security.” McAllister thought to himself 
how stupid he must look talking to thin air.
“I...err...don’t have any money on me.” Suddenly, the chair at the till moved, and a red button to 
the left of McAllister moved down, as if someone had hit it. Out of a speaker on top of a pole at 
the end of the belt a siren sounded twice, and then turned quiet. Without warning, one of the Kings 
bodyguards, the same on that had punched McAllister shouted out.
“There! I see them!” The man ran out, the King shouting behind him.
“What did you see man!” But no reply came. The King sent another of his bodyguards after the 
escaping man. Just as sudden as the voice from the air, McAllister felt a hand grab him by the 
scruff of his neck, and lift him up. Beside him Hasselfrees uniform crumpled where four invisible 
hands picked him up. The two men were carried to the door of the store, and thrown out, landing face 
first into the roads gutter. T’Pal, the King and his escort came out running after them. Waiting for 
them was the panicked bodyguard, as well as the one the King had sent to calm him down. Shaking, the 
bodyguard said.
“I see dead people!”
“Of course you do.” Came back the answer from the King.


 On board the Secondprize Commander La Force was in the captains’ chair. With all the action down on 
the planet the Chief Engineer was able to catch up on reading his magazines. He was halfway through 
reading an article called “Building the triangular plasma injector” when Brodeur reported his findings 
form the science console.
“Sir, I’m picking up a ship entering the sector. No matches in our database, but its massive.”
“Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Deer, tell McAllister and T’Pal what’s happening. After that, open hailing 
frequencies. Halbarad, plot some evasive manoeuvres in case this doesn’t go well. Put the UFO on 
screen.” The view on the screen changed from the planet to the approaching alien ship. It looked 
like a giant Mexican sombrero, coming at them at 0.2 the speed of light. 
“Deer?”
“Nought response to our ‘ails Cap.”
“Open a channel.” Deer nodded at him to indicate he could talk. “This is Commander La Force of the 
Earth vessel Secondprize. We come in peace.” The bridge crew waited quietly, but no response came. 
La Force was about to try again, when the ship was hit by a purple beam of light. The ship rocked, 
sending everyone flying all over the place. Some 
conduits burst, sending smoke onto the bridge. La Force got up, with a nasty cut on his eyebrow.
“Evasive manoeuvres!” The ship zigged and zagged, trying to escape the attacking alien ship. Several 
more hits showed how overmatched they were.
“Hull breach, deck 5! We can’t take much more sir!” Somebody shouted from the tactical station.
“Halbarad! Get us out of here!”
“Gotcha. Warp 2 engaged.” In space, the Secondprize moved slowly at first away from the planet, and 
then went to Warp, leaving the system and leaving the hunters to their pray.


 “Hey T’Pal. La Force says there meeting some aliens up there. We’re to be on stand by to get the 
hell out of this dump.” McAllister and T’Pal stood alone beside one of the shuttlepods, with everyone 
else sitting down or lying outside the doors to the supermarket. The spirit-seeing bodyguard had been 
calmed down, and Hasselfree was taking readings of the outside of the supermarket and the area, 
looking to see what was the source of the voice. T’Pal flipped open her communicator and asked.
“La Force, what do you think you’re doing up there?” Unfortunately there was no answer, only the 
sound of a large crash, and seconds later the communicator was filled with static. The Vulcan 
looked at McAllister.
“You know what that means, don’t you?”
“Actually, lowly human that I am, I don’t. Feel free to enlighten me.”
“The Secondprize has moved out of range, or has been destroyed. All that we do know is that it's 
been defeated in combat, and that the aliens who did it will most likely be coming down here now.”
“Well isn’t that perfect. Lets get everyone together and formulate a plan.” T’Pal nodded and started 
walking to the group. Within five minutes they had everyone around the shuttlepods.
“You know the situation, I suggest that we board the shuttlepods and go back into space, and see 
what’s up there.”
“No way man. The moment they find us they’ll blow us to pieces. I suggest we stay on the ground.”
“I’m sorry Hasselfree, but I think it would be a bad idea to go back into orbit. I agree with King 
Winston that we stay down here and fight.” As Captain, McAllister was hoping that they’d stick to 
his idea.
“Wablle nazzle wodder moos.”
“Good to see you also agree. We’ve got rifles in the shuttlepods...” Instead of paying attention to 
him, everyone was staring at something behind McAllister. T’Pal looked even more serious than usual, 
and 
Hasselfree had turned white. “Hey, you should be listening to me you dingbats!” T’Pal looked at 
him in the eye, and then pointed at a position about three feet to his back. McAllister turned 
around slowly, and found what could only be described as a 6 foot blob of red Play Doh pointing a 
gun at him.
“Kablemo moos heyt!”
“Okay...T’Pal, any idea what he’s saying?” The Vulcan nodded a no grimly at him. “Fine, I’ll sort 
this out myself.” He came up the alien and shouted in his face. “Halaya me rebozno!” The alien 
stopped for a few seconds, turned round to other aliens of similar build behind him and talked 
quickly with them.
“Any idea what you’ve said?” McAllister answered Hasselfree with a shrug.
“Nope, just shouted some random gibberish at them.” When they finished talking, the aliens turned 
and faced the group.
“I’m afraid we have no cheese.” The group gasped. Now that the aliens we’re talking in English 
they could talk.
“That’s fine. My name is Cornelius McAllister, this is Captain T’Pal, King Winston...”
“I am not interested in your names. You are now our prisoners. Be prepared to be zapped to our 
spaceship.”
“Do me a favour and say who you are before you ‘zap’us.”
“We are the Mingles.” McAllister was about to laugh at the name, when he felt enveloped by a 
tingling sensation, and short acceleration upwards, and found himself in a large empty room with 
grey walls. There was a screen on the wall, in which the red Mingle who had talked to them appeared.
“You are now aboard our space ship. You will be transported to our home, Minglaria, where you will 
be judge upon by Ruler Jojo in 24 of your hours. Until then, rest.” The screen went blank, and 
nothing more came out of it.


 La Force, Brodeur, Halbarad and Deer stood round the situation table at the back of the bridge, 
with Fawqin weighing in from Sickbay on the comm. channel. La Force started the briefing.
“We’re pretty much banged up, but its repairable. I think we should be able to move in an hour or 
so, three hours until we’re completely patched up. Brodeur, what we got on the aliens?”
“In a nutshell? Absolutely nothing. I have no idea how their weaponry worked, or where it came 
from. My guess would be from the top of the cone of the sombrero.”
“That’s just great. Any suggestions as to what we do now?”
“I’ave’n’idea Captain. It’sprettygoodun ifIsayso meself. Howabootchwe makeahbig’ello wit’plasmavented 
fromtenacelles?”
“Can’t do, we’d run out of plasma before we finished the L, the first one at that.” In contrast 
to the crew’s depressed expressions, Brodeur’s face brightened up.
“Oh, I am sooo da man. This plan is fool proof.”
“What?”
“You’re gonna love it.”
“Oh tell us already.”
“We have to assume the sombrero ship is a class of ship. Ships of most races will look similar 
to each other, since they’ve got to work on similar principles. What if we got loads of plastic 
and stuff, and made our ship a little disguise.” Everyone fell to the floor laughing, including 
Fawqin in sickbay who’s laugh sounded more like a lion with indigestion. When he could talk, La 
Force asked.
“You want to dress up the Secondprize as a hat? Damn, its so stupid it might actually work.”


 “I’m sorry Captain, there’s no way out. This cell is completely closed. The only way in and out 
is using their zapper thing.”
“Guess we’re gonna have to wait here and meet this Jojo guy. Hey, how about we play a game of 
something. I got one. I spy with my little eye something beginning with V.”
“Volatile?”
“Nah.”
“Vest?”
“Nah.”
“Vulcan?”
“Right. King Winston wins. Your turn now.”

 La Force paced around the cargo bay.
“Brodeur, what you got?”
“Well sir, we can use these boxes were to make the rim, and we recently got a huge shipment of 
toilet rolls which we could use to make the large cone. We might need to strip down one or two 
of the internal parts of the ships, probably the corridors for a couple lights and stuff, but 
I’m pretty sure we could be ready for the fancy dress party in 2 days.”
“Great. Get to it Ensign.”


 “Okay, if I ever want to play I spy with my little eye once more in my life, somebody shoot me. 
T’Pal, are we there yet?”
“No Corn, we’ve only been here for 3 hours. I say we’ve got another 21 hours of the journey left.”
“Okey dokey. Time to move on to charades.” McAllister got up so the whole group could see him 
and started doing his best Superman impression.

 “I hate spacesuits.”
“Brodeur, it was your idea. Someone has to go out there and build the stupid hat, so it might 
as well be you. Anyway, there’s a few of us coming along to help you. Now go out before I push 
you.” In space, several golden figures could be seen climbing onto the hull of the NX class 
starship. After them came a funny amount of materials, including boxes, toilet rolls, pieces of 
bulkheads and the odd Starfleet uniform.


 “Do you give up?”
“Yeah.”
“It was Lord of the Rings you idiot! The magic things, that was Gandalf. And the fighting and 
everything.”
“Gandalf? I thought you were Harry Potter.”
“At least you weren’t as bad as T’Pal. I mean who would guess the Vulcans made films. And on that 
line of thought, who would name a film ‘Logic and a far away place’?”
“Well I think we’re all sick of Charades. Hasselfree, tell us a joke.”


 Everyone had gone back into the ship, except Brodeur and La Force who were being kept in the 
decontamination chamber. Fawqin looked in through a little window.
“Everyone’s fine apart from you two. It appears you picked up a little bug called the Gazanbtuas 
Demanivas out there.”
“We got a bacteria. You’ve gotta be joking, nothing can survive outside in space. Its a vacuum!”
“Afraid not Mr Brodeur. You will need to use gel C17. The bacteria’s favourite nesting grounds 
are the gluteus, so do that area especially well. Remember the best technique is to rub it into 
each other, and remember not to miss a spot. Bye bye.” The window closed, and the two men in the 
decon room could here footsteps as if someone was walking away. La Force asked.
“Gluteus? What’s that?”
“Your arse idiot.”
“Oh.” Then it dawned on him.


 “What’s green and dangerous?”
“I don’t know. What’s green and dangerous?”
“Yoda with a submachine gun.” McAllister was knocked unconscious as someone threw a shoe at him.


 “Senior staff report to the bridge.” La Force pulled Brodeur over to one side. “No one needs to 
know what happened in the decon chamber.”
“Right. That’s definitely an experience I do not want to remember.” Once again, everyone was around 
the situation table. “Its only taken us 12 hours to disguise the Secondprize, and all the other 
repairs should be done in the next hour. Its time to go back. Halbarad, plot a course, Warp 3. 
Brodeur, last checks on the hat. Make sure they won’t be able to tell the difference between us 
and another ship of the same kind. Get to work people.”


 In the middle of the cell some boxes appeared, zapped by the Mingles.
“Great, the foods here. I love breakfast. Hasselfree, what we got?”
“It appears that the Mingles raided the supermarket before we left. We have hot dogs and coke sir.”
“Coke? Perfecto. I challenge all of you to a burping contest.”


 18 hours after the Mingles had captured King Winston and the away team the Secondprize returned 
to the planet. No one had gotten any sleep, but the ship had been disguised as one of the Mingles 
ships. To the crews dismay, the alien ship had left, and there was no sign of it.
“Where could they have gone?” La Force wasn’t happy to have gone through the ordeal of making 
the ship, only to find they had no idea where there target had escaped to.
“They’ve obviously departed the system.”
“I can see that Brodeur, I need to know where they’ve gone.” From the helm, Halbarad spoke up.
“My guess would be that way.”
“Why?”
“Because I think they went straight through an asteroid field to get to where ever there going, 
and there’s one over there which has obviously been ploughed through by something.” She was right. 
Just like in the old cartoons, when the protagonists went through walls leaving a hole of the same 
shape as the character, there was a weird sombrero-like imprint in the asteroid field.
“Set a course, straight through the field, and from there to infinity and beyond!”
“Sure Mr Lightyear.”

 24 hours after they had been first captured, the screen in their cell became active again. The 
red Mingle, who McAllister had named Blobby, came on the screen.
“We have arrived at Minglaria. Prepare to be zapped to a cell before Ruler Jojo.” The screen went 
off, and before they had any idea of what was going to happen they found themselves inside a silver 
metal cage, with bars on all the sides. The cage was in a large hall, with marble pillars along the 
sides, and on a wall between each pillar hung a picture of a Mingle, whom McAllister assumed were of 
previous rulers. On front of them, on an elevated steps, there was a red sofa, on which lied Ruler 
Jojo. He was blue, and had varied shapes of the play doh substance that made up their bodies 
sticking out at odd angles all over him. Blobby, followed by several other Mingles came in through 
some large wooden doors at the end of the hall.
“I present to you the handsome and cute Jojo, Mr Universe 2145, 2146 and 2148, and Mr Venezuela for 
the past 20 years.” McAllister got up and talked.
“You guys got a place called Venezuela? Cool. One problem, you’ll probably have to rename it 
New Venezuela ‘cause we got one...”
“Quiet human! Ruler Jojo shall now speak!” Gracefully (or as gracefully as a blob of play doh 
can) Jojo got up from his sofa.
“I am ruler Jojo. You have been brought here because you have committed a most heinous crime. 
You have broken the First Rule.” All the Mingles in the room gasped. McAllister thought this 
First rule must be pretty important.
“Ahh...Mr Jojo sir, what is the First Rule?”
“You mean you do not know? You are ignorant. Several hundreds of years ago, the winner of the joint 
Mr and Miss Universe contest became the First Ruler of the Universe, such was his beauty. Since then 
the winner of the Mr and Miss Universe contest has become the leader of our race. During his 
enlightened rule, the First Ruler made a set of rules that we must follow, laws. You have been 
accused of the First Rule, a law which has not been seen broken in over a century on this world: 
you are heinously ugly. 
Until some time ago the penalty for breaking the First Rule was death, but since then we have found 
a better way.” Jojo extended a tentacle/arm/blob of play-doh and from underneath the sofa he pulled 
out a weird looking ray gun. “This, is the invisibili-liser. It changes the state of quantum flux of 
your body, so you cannot be seen. Thus your ugliness is not exposed not the outside world.” At that 
moment everything clicked in T’Pal’s head.
“The Llani colony. You did it. You used your invisibili-liser to make the humans there invisible!” 
Jojo nodded.
“Yes, that lot were found very ugly indeed. And now it is time for your judgement. We are not 
barbarians, and you will be able to defend yourself.” The humans (and Vulcan) drew a collective 
sigh. At least they might be able to find a way out. But this thought didn’t linger for long. 
“For this beauty contest, we have chosen several judges:” Jojo indicated to a table to the left, 
at which sat 5 Mingles of varying shapes and colours. “From left to right, first there is Fere, 
editor of Prettiest Magazine. Then there is Yuyu, whose home brand of cosmetics had allowed even 
the poorest of people to look nice, followed by Spespe, a sports and fitness expert who helps 
everyone to keep their lovely figure. Haha, the best healthy eating expert since Hehe the Wise, 
and finally Wiwi, my second cousin who is here to make up the numbers. You will be given half 
an hour to choose and prepare yourselves for the first Task: the swimsuit competition. Let the 
contest begin!”


 With the ship en route on its rescue mission to the alien planet and off-duty, Ensign Sophie 
Halbarad managed to grab Dr. Fawqin and started teaching him another game in the mess hall.
“Okay, lets try not to get angry with this one.
“What’s it called?” 
“Connect Four. It’s really simple. What colour do you want, red or yellow?” Fawqin considered 
this for a few moments as if somebody’s life depended on it.
“Red. Blood is red.” Halbarad did not press him further on the reasoning for his choice.
“I’m yellow then. The aim of the game is simple, form an unbroken line of four pieces either 
vertically, horizontally or either of the diagonals. You insert the piece in the top and let it 
drop down. I’ll show you by going first.” Halbarad picked up her first yellow piece and inserted 
it in the frame so it landed in the middle at the bottom of the rack. “Now its your go.” Tentatively 
Fawqin picked up his red piece and placed it in the frame. 
Minutes later Halbarad had won.
“See, the line is there. Diagonal, one, two, three, four.” She explained, pointing out the pieces.
“This cannot be!” The fury was building up in the Nausicaan Doctor. “You cheated! You must have! 
Death to cheaters!” And with this statement he jumped up, taking some of his red pieces with them.
“Hey Doc, what’s wrong?” Commander La Force approached the table. For his troubles, he got a red 
connect four token to the face.
“Connect Four fight!” Halbarad shouted, dropping down to one knew to avoid a red token coming at 
her head and taking several yellow pieces with her.


 The swimsuit competition was first and went fairly well, with most of the group gaining average 
marks, although the best by far was T’Pal in her one-piece bikini (don’t ask me how that is 
possible, lets just say the Mingles have advanced considerably in clothing technology). With 
one out the three mini-competitions over the group had done alright, although they would all 
need high marks in the next phases if they would have a chance to survive. The second task to 
complete was, naturally, the talent show. With another half hour to prepare, the Secondprize 
officers and British delegation marched on stage. First up on stage was one of King Winston’s 
bodyguards, who somehow managed to do a fairly good impression of ruler Jojo, Blobby and a few of 
the judges, which had them in stitches for a few minutes. Finished, he bowed and stepped off to a 
standing ovation. Next up was Hasselfree, who did a 10 minute one-man play of Hamlet, finishing with 
the famous “To be or not to be” speech. By the end of it the judges were in tears, giving Hasselfree 
full marks for his Shakespearian performance. Next up was McAllister, who chose not to give the 
judges a taste of his drama skills. Instead, he was.....
“Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, I am a master juggler. Music please.” From somewhere 
circus music sound, and the human Captain started off juggling some bowling pins. Then he moved on 
to small hoops, and then onto some knives, finishing by catching one by the blade in his mouth.
“Ta da!!!! Now my dear judges, I am going to move on to the next step. Yes, I am going to juggle 
some phase pistols.” As the judges waited with anticipation McAllister went over to a small cabinet 
where (fortunately) the confiscated phase pistols were located, and took four out. He walked back 
to the stage, and to the amazement of the crowd managed to juggle them perfectly. Suddenly, he took 
two of them by the grip and let the other two fall.
“Hey!” Ruler Jojo was not impressed. “You dropped some.”
“Did I?” McAllister aimed the pistols at Jojo and fired, knocking him unconscious. He did the same 
to the guards, and then the judges. He tossed one of the pistols to T’Pal, and Hasselfree retrieved 
the two that McAllister had dropped. “Lets look for a way out of here.” The group spread out, 
avoiding the unconscious bodies of the Mingles looking for a door or controls to the Zapper. 


 “We’re approaching the planet.” Halbarad informed La Force, who was seated in the Captains 
chair. With Halbarad at the helm and Brodeur at the science station, Ensign Deer manned the 
communications console and Ensign Jeffers was at Engineering. Richelieu, Captain McAllister’s 
dog, was currently lying asleep on the chair attached to the Tactical station and looked so cute 
and comfortable nobody had the heart to move him.
“Okay Ensign. Keep it up, fly natural.”
“Natural? How the hell does a 150 foot sombrero fly naturally?”
“Copy the other sombrero’s out there. Brodeur, find the Captain’s.”
At the science station Brodeur concentrated on his equipment, before nodding affirmatively.
“Found them! Relaying co-ordinates to the helm now.”
“Good stuff. Halbarad, lets go to them.” La Force couldn’t wait to get McAllister and T’Pal back 
on board so he could return to his engine room.
“You want me to fly towards them naturally or unnaturally?” Halbarad inquired.
“Just get there.”


 Half an hour of searching the grand hall proved useless. The only way out was a window, and 
with it being pitch black outside god only knew where that went and how far the drop was.
“Are you sure that’s it?” McAllister asked.
“We’ve looked in every nook and cranny sir, there’s no way out of here.” Hasselfree was about 
to say something else when he was interrupted by several of the Mingles stirring, nearly waking 
up.
“Looks like there’s nothing else to do.” McAllister shrugged and ran at the window full force, 
jumping and crashing through, falling the whole of two feet before hitting the grass and rolling. 
“Hey, isn’t that dangerous after all.” The rest of the group followed him, and found themselves in 
what they took to be the palaces gardens. They seemed to go on for ever, and endless sea of grass 
flowers and trees. Luckily for them most of the guards were indoors, and the few that were out there 
were quickly subdued.


 “Great, now what do we do Mr Clevercloggs?” T’Pal would of preferred to have stayed inside, she 
was doing pretty well in that beauty contest and would of easily survived.
“We’ll just have to find a way out of this, just like we’ve done from everywhere else. Now this 
is the plan...” It would of been a great plan, if not for the fact that everyone was now staring 
up into the sky, where a large sombrero-ship was descending upon them.
“Great, now we’re done for. They’ll pick us off like ants.”
“One sec, is that a nacelle?” And it was, due to having to pass through the planets atmosphere 
on the way to the surface the Secondprizes disguise was literally falling apart around them. The 
Secondprize, now almost completely visible, landed on a field of daisy look-alikes, managing to 
park just beside the group. Down from the ship a door opened, making a ramp leading upwards and 
out poured some Security guards, rifles at the ready, securing the area. After them came La Force 
and Dr Fawqin.
“Hey, good to see you guys still alive.” La Force looked relieved, and Fawqin quickly looked at 
all the group to check for injuries, and finding none shrugged disappointedly and ambled back 
into the ship. Once the Doctor checked over him McAllister looked back towards the grand Mingle 
Palace and asked of La Force.
“Cheers. What took you so long?” 
“We had some problems, I’ll be able to explain on the ship. One thing though, what happened to 
that colony of ours?” 
“They have been placed in a state of quantum flux by a Mingle technology called the Invisibili-liser.”
T’Pal filled in for McAllister on this one. “Unfortunately they still have possession of that 
technology, so we’ll just have to find a different way to recreate the technology. Or we could go 
back and take the ray gun from them.” McAllister looked thoughtful for a while.
“Nah. We’ll get it some other time. I’m tired, hungry and missed the last 3 episodes of Friends.
I feel like getting back on board.” So they climbed in through an open hatch. With everyone aboard 
there was nothing holding her back, so the Secondprize climbed back out of the atmosphere and once 
clear of the planet engaged her Warp drive, and running back to Earth as fast as they could.