Real Life Dilbert Quotes

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.
They were looking for people to submit quotes from
their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the
finalists:

1. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems
we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

2. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or
data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company)

3. "This project is so important, we can't let things
that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)

4. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule." (No source given)

5. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one
day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act
busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
time to tell them." (D supervisor, Minnesota Mining
and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a
25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She
claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected."
(CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people
doing what I say." (Marketing Executive, Citrix
Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled
for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on
purpose so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we
could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That
would be better for me."
(Shipping Executive, Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the
company is not going to discuss it with the
employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management
saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be
issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report
to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked
him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I
wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow
to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to
prepare a memo reviewing our company's training
programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one
of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical
approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day
after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I
was called into the HR director's office, and told
that the executive vice-president wanted me out of the
building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that
she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working
in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the
memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word
"pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was
fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in
his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to
send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would
take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire
staff came out, directing us that no words which could
not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In
accordance with company policy, I created my
resignation memo by pasting words together from the
Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

This is the winning quote:

13.. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to
access the building using individual security cards.
Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees
will receive their cards in two weeks." (Fred Dales at
Microsoft)