I took the dog for a walk as a favour to you, and came back without him as a favour to me
Andrew Cutter

	Whoa.  Stop right here for a moment.  I have to let you know.  This topic is inane.  It doesn’t have a significant impact on the morality of people.  It isn’t going to solve the Middle East peace issue and, God help us, it won’t get Stephen Harper out of office.  What it will do is bring justice to the feline family.  A family persecuted during the Middle Ages, the ramifications of which are still felt today and shown in the only moderate popularity of cats as pets.  Cats have fallen from their once lofty position as gods and heroes of the ancient world.  They have too often been put in second place to dogs as keeper of the human household, as guide and assistant to the human race, as man’s best friend.  No more.  Why?  Because, ladies and gentlemen.  Cats are better than dogs.
	Think about this: four thousand years ago, on the fertile floodplain of the Nile River, an old Egyptian farmer is driven to the brink of madness.  Why?  His crops are suffering extensive damage from small, ravaging rodents.  Because of this he is poor, he can’t feed his family, and he is disgraced.  It was no accident that one day the man caught sight of a passing wild cat in his fields.  The wild cats of the area were renowned for leaving marred corpses of rats and mice in the streets of the nearby village.  The Egyptian farmer fetched a saucer of milk and put it out a short distance from his back door.  With gentle coaxing the cat came and began to lap up the milk and entered the heart of humanity forever.  Entered and booted out the canine: that vicious brute that had only temporarily taken up residence there.  The cat had taken its rightful place, if not going so far as to secure it.
	Some might ask, “Why didn’t the old man fetch the dog?” and that is a respectable question.  Is the dog not man’s best friend?  Is the dog so incapable of helping his master that outside help must be sought?  Is it that the dog is so profoundly stupid it is unable to catch a few overindulged mice?  The answer to all of these questions is “Yes.”  The dog was only named “man’s best friend” before the companionship of cats had been sought.  The dog is an incapable, clumsy, astoundingly stupid animal that looks only to receive and never gives.  Cats, on the other hand, have been assisting humans since at least the time of the Ancient Egyptians.  In the land of Egypt, the cat was so well received for its hunting abilities that it was elevated to the status of the divine.  The image of Bast, goddess and protector of the home was based on the domestic cat.  Cats were even mummified and buried with their owner, and believed to travel with them into eternal life beyond death.  The owner did not seek the accompaniment of his dog in the everlasting peace of paradise.  The superior pet, the cat, was the only one to join him there.
	Despite the fall of the Egyptian empire, cats became more entrenched in human society both as assistants and as companions.  Caesar Augustus was a strong proponent of using cats to secure the grain supply in his empire, ensuring that a contingent of felines was at every port to kill raiding rodents.  Pope Gregory I greatly appreciated the help his cat offered with his spiritual life; he insisted on holding the furred creature every time he prayed.  Richard Whittington won many friends as a result of the rat-catching activities of his cat.  Cardinal Richelieu had numerous cats for the purposes of rat killing as well as camaraderie.  Ernest Hemingway trusted his cat, Mr. Feather Puss, to baby-sit his infant child.  Winston Churchill’s cat Jock was his “special assistant” in war cabinet meetings.  Even Bill Clinton’s cat, Socks, helped the image of the philandering United States President by visiting schools, hospitals, and nursing homes.  Cats have helped the economy, perpetuated religious practices, kept the gears of government running, eased the stress of family life, furthered the cause for peace, and kept the sheets of public figures clean.  The feline family has enriched the human social order.
	Okay, okay.  You get it.  Cats are great.  They’re fabulous.  They may even equal your own inflated opinion of canines at this point.  But what of this untested estimation of dogs?  What have dogs been up to in this evolution of history?  Why, they’ve been wallowing in self-depravity and associating themselves with some of humanity’s most evil figures.  Hitler’s German Shepherd, Blondi, is well known to have populated the Earth with Nazi dogs right to the end of his reign of terror, giving birth to five puppies in April 1945.  Richard Nixon’s dog, Checkers helped him keep track of the United States’ finances to a disparaging end, which included the Watergate scandal and the general emotional depression that affected America in the 1950s.  George W. Bush also owns a couple of dogs - take that as you will.  Dogs have an undeniable tie to evil in this world.  They have associated themselves with people that have ravaged human existence and they are responsible for the death of numerous individuals.
	Furthermore, cats are highly valued for their grace and elegance of movement.  They leap from high place to low place and every place in between with agility that brings wonder to the human eye.  In their relatively short time coexisting with us, cats have adapted to the regularly changing features of the hominid household.  Dogs, on the other hand, have been responsible for many clumsy accidents in the thousands of years they have lived alongside humans.  Napoleon Bonaparte’s pug canine, Fortune, is known to have a temper exceeding even his master’s: once biting him on the leg for crowding him in bed.  Sir Isaac Newton’s dog, Diamond, is known to have upset a candle and burned a number of his papers – causing the man to have a nervous breakdown.  Who knows what fascinating scientific discoveries and technological advancements were lost to human civilization that day?  And yet, people still blindly allow dogs to keep residence in their homes.
	The time has come for people to see which is the better companion.  Cats purr; dogs drool.  Cats rub your leg for affection; dogs hump it.  Cats bury their own feces; dogs eat others’.  When was the last time a cat buried its wet nose in your crotch?  Or when was it last that your legs were striped a painful red because a cat whipped you with its tail?  Has anyone ever criticized you for having cat breath?  Surely not.
	It’s time for people to wake up.  Wake up and smell the cats.  Cats are the only animals that will provide you with the perfect balance of affection and emotional detachment.  Saucy, witty, helpful, cuddly, and cute: cats have all anyone could desire in a pet.  But, have it however you like.  I know that the next time Garfield kicks Odie off of the end of the table, I’ll be right there next to him, smiling.

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Sources
www.wikipedia.org
www.garfield.com
au.encarta.msn.com
www.catcode.com
www.cat-world.com.au