Tim is a homosexual

Once there was a boy named Tim. He was 9 years old.

Tim threw open the window. "Oh, no!" he cried. "The house is on fire! Mother! Father!"

Tim felt the door as he learned at school. The door was hot, so Tim stayed in his room and yelled for help from his window.

A big strong fireman came up on a ladder and carried Tim to safety. Tim hid his face against the fireman's uniform until they were safe on the ground. Tim was very glad to see that his whole family was safe.

The next night, Tim couldn't sleep. He thought about the fireman. He thought about how warm and muscular the fireman had felt through his uniform. He remembered the smell of smoke mixed with the fireman's sweat.

Remembering the fireman gave Tim a funny feeling. He wished he could be together with the fireman again.

The next day, Tim talked to his brother Murray. "I think I want to marry a fireman when I grow up," said Tim.

Tim went and talked to his mother. "I think I want to marry a fireman when I grow up," he said.

Mother laughed uncomfortably. "What a funny idea, Tim!" she said. "What will the neighbors think if they hear about this?"

Tim decided that maybe his father would understand how he felt. "Father," said Tim. "Did you ever wish that the house would catch on fire again so that a fireman can rescue you? And did you ever wish he'd take off all your clothes?"

Father gave Tim a strange look. "No, I can't say that I did," said Father.

The real shocker came at dinner that night. "I wish a fireman would take off all his clothes and sleep with me in my bed," said Tim. "And I wish he would put a dog leash on me."

Mother nearly choked on her tomato aspic. "Eat your dinner, Tim," said Mother. "And be quiet."

When Tim went to bed, his mother came to tuck him in. "Now, Tim, there's something I want you to remember," she said. "Don't play with yourself, or you'll go blind."

"Okay, Mum," said Tim. He wondered if he could just do it until he needed glasses.

The next morning, Mother and Father had a talk with Tim.

"No son of mine is going to be a homosexual!" said Father. "God says it's bad. If you don't give up this fireman business, we'll kick you out of the house!"

Tim burst into tears.

Mother talked to Mrs. Brown to see if she had any advice. "I think my little Tim may be a homosexual," said Mother. "I just don't know what to do."

Mrs. Brown's eyes grew wide. A homosexual! Mrs. Brown ran away shrieking. Soon, Mother learned that she had been un-invited from Mrs. Brown's Tupperware party.

When Tim went to school that day, all the other children ran away from him. "Ewww!" they said. "We don't want to play with a homosexual! We'll get gay germs!"

Tim stood behind and tried not to cry.

Tim was so confused that he decided to call the police to ask for help. "Officer Blakelock speaking," said the policeman.

"Hello, my name is Tim Layton," said Tim. "I'm 9 years old. Everybody hates me because I want to marry a fireman, and they say I'm a homosexual. What should I do?"

Tim hung up the phone, more confused and depressed than ever. "What am I to do?" he asked himself.

In the park, Tim met a man. "Hello, little boy," said the man. "How would you like some ice cream?"

Tim knew exactly what the man was after. Maybe this was his big chance! "Have you a fireman uniform?" asked Tim.

"No, I'm afraid I haven't," said the man.

"Oh," said Tim, disappointed. Then he kicked the man in the balls to show him what he thought of child molesters.

Tim ran all the way home with Milly. Then he cried and cried.

"Oh, Milly," he said. "There seems to be nowhere to turn. I think I should end it all and kill myself."

He looked sadly at Milly. "But I'm too scared to die alone. Let's make a suicide pact, Milly! How does that sound?"

Milly licked Tim on the nose. Tim took that to mean yes, so he carried Milly outside.

With Milly in his arms, Tim jumped in front of an approaching car. The car screeched to a stop just in time. The driver jumped out of the car. "Goodness gracious, young man!" said the driver. "Why did you jump in front of my car?"

"I was trying to kill myself because I'm a homosexual, and all my family and the other kids and the police and everyone hate me," said Tim.

"Don't kill yourself!" said the driver. "Call the Gay Hotline! They can help you!" He gave Tim a card with a phone number, and then got in his car and drove away.

Mother thought, "Maybe this will get those perverted homosexual thoughts out of little Tim's head." She said, "All right, Tim."

"Hello, folks, I'm Dr. Goldenberg," said the psychiatrist. "What seems to be the problem?"

"We're here because our little son Tim seems to be a-- homosexual!" said Mother.

At home, Mother and Father talked it over. "Maybe we were too hasty to judge the boy," said Father.

"Maybe so," said Mother. "All right, let's talk to him."

Father told Tim, "Tim, your mother and I have decided to accept you just as you are. We're proud of our gay son."

Tim's face lit up. He was very glad.

"Guess what, Milly?" cried Tim. "Mother and Father say they're going to accept me just as I am!"

Milly jumped and barked joyfully.

Tim became a gay rights activist and gave consciousness raising talks to his classmates.

"And by using a condom or dental dam every time you have sex, you can greatly reduce your chances of contracting HIV!" said Tim.

Tim's family tried to accept his kinkier interests. "Father, will you buy me that leash for my birthday?"

"But Milly already has a leash," said Father.

"I didn't want it for Milly," said Tim.

Father chuckled uncomfortably.

Tim's family even helped set him up with a good boyfriend.

"What about this one, Father?" asked Murray. "10-year-old boy into fireman uniforms and bondage. Usually top but versatile. Is Tim a top or a bottom, Father?"

"I think he's a bottom," said Father. "This looks like a good match for Tim."

Tim was very glad that his family accepted him. He lived happily ever after.

THE END