Power Corrupts

"Ten ninjas? That's it? I could take twenty with one hand while I took a piss with the other," Mark Esparza said, spitting a glob of his best tobacco out of a wry grin.

"Oh, I'm sorry if you heard ten, I distinctly said twenty. Twenty ninjas guarding the compound. And speaking of piss they look pissed!" Luke Cunningham exclaimed before clapping two meaty drummer hands over his mouth. They were in the jungle, on the outskirts of a secret compound and it was easy to forget that sound carried. Ninjas had good hearing anyhow, so he should have been whispering, but Luke Cunningham was never one for whispering.

Suddenly Luke was reminded of a time that he was whispering while flying a big ass jet plane over war torn Europe. He whispered, "God Bless the United States of America." and dropped a large amount of bombs. His co-pilot, Doctor Bryan Ringstead, heard something completely different and tried to shoot Luke with a silver bullet. Lukily, Luke's former sensei, Mo from Moodfrye, taught him how to catch silver bullets with his mind. He remembered those lessons well...

Mo was staring at him now, "Don't look at my tattoos you dern pup, think about the bullet. Imagine its path! And open your eyes. No, you fool not those eyes." He poked Luke's forehead with a finger of questionable ethnic heritage, "Your third eye. With that one open you can do anything."

"Can I shrink myself and go into a VCR?" Luke asked, excited.

Mo grimaced, looking both shocked and disgusted. "No, you can't shrink yourself and go into a VCR."

Regardless, it was an awkward flight back and Luke swore off whispering for a good long while.

Back in the jungle Mark rolled his eyes heavenward. Why did Command always team him with such fools? He surveyed his team. Luke was an adequete gunner, but couldn't think for himself (or keep his voice low for that matter, but that probably wasn't that big of a deal). At least he was probably more capable than the others. Jill Stasch and Briana Franco kept to themselves, talking in hushed insipid tones. They had been in the jungle for five long days now and all Mark could recall Briana saying was, "I wasn't descended from a monkey." When they were introduced Mark bent to kiss the large diamond ring on her finger and she said "I wasn't descended from a monkey." Mark had arched his eyebrow but thought better of pressing the issue. Later on, when he asked her for help in putting up his tent she grunted and went about it, but he heard her muttering, "I wasn't descended from a monkey."

And Jill. What was it she was always saying in her sleep? Oh yeah, it was "Michael Balistreri, won't you come back to me?" He didn't even want to go into that can of worms!

Mark didn't have time for this nonsense. There were ninjas around. Twenty ninjas. And all he had was this rag tag group. This was a rescue mission that was in sore need of rescue. Mark readied his crossbow. Briana whirled her poison tipped spear in the air, and Jill had six uzis. Mark sometimes found it easy to forget Jill was a genetic experiment between a human and a spider, and had six arms as well as two legs. Luke Cunningham carried a warhammer that shot lasers.

"We advance." Mark said, and in a rush he charged through the dense foliage, never daring to look back to see if they followed. Coming upon the compound he saw that that fool Cunningham was right. There were twenty ninjas and they did look pissed.

One ninja in a ratty ninja uniform was running at him with his sword brandished high, Mark laughed. "Where'd you get that ninja suit? Spirit Halloween Super Store?" Those were his last words as the sword cleaved him in two.

Luke, Briana, and Jill fared less well.

When it was all over, the ninjas gathered around their fallen enemies. They took off their masks.

"They never really stood a chance," the first ninja said, a voice full of woe as tall as the mountains and sorrow as deep as the lakes, "Did they, Ninja Mike Yakel?"

"No, Ninja Joey Jaramillo, no. They've seen too many movies of ninjas being easily defeated by children or surfers or turtles. Sad really."

"Yes, very sad." Ninja Mr. Doak said, rubbing his chin thougtfully. "Did you guys catch the game?"

"Oh hell yeah!" Ninja New Jersey Nate said, "It was the bomb, hell yeah!"

"You guys want to go to Smokey's? Grab a bite to eat?" Ninja Mike Yakel asked, collecting watches and wallets from the slain.

"I guess," Ninja Mr. Doak said, thinking about Scottish tax collectors being hung by his ancestors, "I could go for some pickled pigs feet."

"Wait, wait. What the fuck is this shit?" Billy Clark said suddenly, wrenching away from the crystal ball, "I want my money back, you said this would show me my future."

"The ball does not lie," The Wizard Carlos Mujal said reverently, adjusting his pointed wizard hat with stars all over it, "Just like the One Ring, the Crystal Ball of the Future has great powers. It is not always simple."

"I'm not even in what I saw! How can that be MY future? Do you understand Carlos Mujal?"

"Your anger is reminding me of John Calhoun after he realized he had inadvertantly made Martin Van Buren Vice President. And reminding me of what Calhoun would be like if he happened upon the One Ring. Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely."

"I'm going to absolutely kill you!" Billy Clark said, pushing the table aside, the crystal ball shattering, "I stared at that thing for two hours and all that happened was a bunch of dumb looking people in army fatigues got killed by ninjas! What have I been wasting my time with???"

"You don't understand!" Carlos Mujal yelled, grabbing his magic staff, "The power of the crystal ball corrupts, you are just not-"

There was a knock on the door. Four well dressed men in black with skinny ties entered. "Oh hello, we're Interpol, barn inspectors. We're here to inspect your barn."

Billy looked aghast, "What the hell is going on here Carlos Mujal?"

"Barns corrupt Billy. Absolute barns corrupt absolutely."

"He's got a point there," the bassist of Interpol said. He was carrying a bass.

Jason Jason swooped in on his new dragon that he had just picked up from the dragon store but accidentally landed on the barn inspection, killing everyone inside. At first he was upset, killing all those innocent people, but then he realized he now had two stories to tell.