The Story

"Tell us a story Uncle Jason Jason!"

Jason Jason surveyed the assembled children that sat at his knee, precocious youths one and all, nibbling away at their sugar cookies and smiling up at him with adoring eyes.

"What kind of story?" Jason Jason asked, though he already knew which story he would tell. It was the only story that mattered.

"A scary story!" said the most precocious child, earnestly, yet excited.

"A love story!" said another precocious git, a little girl with pigtails and a flowery dress.

"I don't like love stories!" said the first precocious child, sounding just as excited.

"I don't like you." the girl said, my she was saucy. They were probably brother and sister, Jason Jason didn't know. He just knew whenever he visited his old friend Raghav it was a given that he would have to entertain his precocious brats. Raghav stood in the doorway, looking tired, but content. His wives, Shannon Claude and Jenny Angelo stood to either side of him, smiling at the scene within.

"How about a story about a ship captain?" Jason Jason ventured, "About a captain chasing some kind of dangerous prey?"

"Mother of God that's so tired," the most precocious of all of them, a little boy by the name of Mugsy said, his frown was fierce.

Suddenly Jason Jason's phone rang and he took it out of his pocket and started talking in a quiet, husky, soothing, determined voice. The precocious children stared on, unaware of what the other voice was saying on the other line, except that it sounded determined, soothing, husky, and quiet.

Jason Jason suddenly stood, one precocious child flying off his lap and slamming into the coffee table. Glass and innocence shattered as Jason Jason adjusted his fake mustache and ran out of the room, invigorated by what he just heard on the phone.

Raghav stood erect with attention and called after him, "I do say Jason Jason, what is the meaning of this outrage? You are acting quite uncouth!"

"I'm busy!" Jason Jason called back to his oldest friend, running out the door and jumping on his motorcycle and zoomed off without even putting his helmet on. Actually he didn't even have a helmet, that's how tough Jason Jason was. One time a serving wench asked him if he always looked like that or if he just ate a rock for breakfast. Jason Jason said, "I ate a rock for breakfast."

Raghav surveyed the scene. One of his precocious children was lying in a pile of glass (which wasn't a bad thing in and of itself) and the rest were clamoring for a story. "What's amiss my children? Uncle Jason Jason no doubt heard some very important tidings that he must needs attend to, post haste. In the meantime, perhaps I could tell you a tale."

"But Uncle Jason Jason makes funny voices!" said one of the precocious children in the corner, "You just make the Daddy voice." Truly, Raghav wondered where all these precocious children came from.

"I have a story that doesn't need funny voices," Raghav said, even though he knew funny voices probably would make it better. Cockney accents and maybe some Chinese ones. Those were the funniest. Especially the Chinese. "Me rike rice."

"What did you just say Papa?" his oldest precocious child, Girl With The Stupid Frog Tattoos on her arms asked, looking at her stupid frog tattoos and wondering why the tattoo artist had let her do that to herself.

"Oh. Nothing. Let me tell you the story of how Uncle Jason Jason got his mustache."

"Ooooh!" all the precocious children said in unison, or close enough that it would be fitting to say they said it in unison.

Raghav sat down in the easy chair, and settled in real well. "Shannon, Jenny, if you would be so kind as to bring a bottle of cognac from the pantry, it may well improve the telling of this tale."

Jenny and Shannon dipped to one knee and bowed their blondish heads, "At once, master."

But before they could do their wife-ly duties Raghav's Raghav sense began tingling. He was once bitten by a smaller radioactive version of himself, but that had been a long time ago, so long that he wasn't even sure it made sense anymore. But it seemed appropriate at the time.

Somehow the wall closest to Raghav flew off, and four men armed to the teeth stood there, looking armed to the teeth, which they were. Raghav's heart sank. Sank like the Titanic, which was his absolute favorite movie, after Love Actually. They had found him. Finally. After all these years of peace and precocious children. Speaking of precocious children, they were all screaming and running away, like little non precocious babies.

"So, you thought you could start over. Have a new life. Marry two people. You were wrong Raghav. Dead wrong." The years had not made Jacob Green any handsomer, he was just as small and red haired, and generally off-putting. In one gauntleted hand he held a sword-uzi, aimed right at Raghav's heart.

"You should have stayed dead, boy." Shamako Noble said, holding copies of his debut CD, shaped like ninja stars. "We looked long and hard we did, didn't we Anderson Cooper?"

The gay anchorman nodded and his blue eyed stare pierced Raghav, "We looked for 360 days every year. Paula Zahn told me that you went down with the blimp but I knew better. You always had a way to stay alive. Until now."

"Will you magpies quit your chattering?" Black Dan Strickland said, holding two crossbows with his cyber hands, hands he lost courtesy of Raghav so many years ago.

"Come on guys, are you sure you don't want something to drink first?" Raghav ventured, "We could play some Sega if you'd like. Been watching hockey lately? I think the Sharks are going to dominate this year."

"We know all about your tricks Raghav. " Jacob Green and Shamako Noble said at once.

"Whoa, you guys said that at the same time!" Black Dan Strickland, Anderson Cooper and Raghav said at the same time.

They all started laughing.

"Ok, lets have that drink!" Black Dan Strickland said, putting down his crossbows. "I guess the thrill of the hunt is the best part of this whole hunting game."

"God, I hate myself." Jacob Green said as Shamako Noble put his ninja star CD's into the stero and started dancing, moving wit' the music.

The precocious children started dancing too, and before everyone knew it there was a huge dance party going on, bumping and grinding was going on full force. The Deth Squad arrived and started doing their hardcore dances, and everyone sighed.

Jason Jason swooped in on his new dragon that he had just picked up from the dragon store but accidentally landed on the dance party, killing everyone. He was upset at first, killing his best friend, his best friend's wives, and all their precocious children, but then he got happier. He now had a story to tell.