Jamie, Raj, A Bar
ACT ONE Scene 1
We are at a bar. RAJ is seated in the center, there
are a few scattered PATRONS to either side. ALEX SWANNER,
the bartender is behind the bar, cleaning glasses and doing
other bartender-ish things.
Raj
You like movies?
Swanner
Some movies, I suppose. Mostly movies about computer labs.
Raj
What's your favorite movie? Absolute goddamn best movie you ever
saw? And don't say goddamn Citizen Kane neither. That's for people
with no imaginations.
Swanner
Can't rightly say. I don't suppose I have one. I don't watch movies
often.
Raj
I love movies. Can't get enough. You know why I can't get enough?
Swanner
No, I don't rightly know!
Raj
I'll tell you! I'll tell you. I love movies because life is a
movie. A stupid, long, pompous, shitty movie. And I love movies
because they streamline it. They simplify things. Even the most
complex, nuanced, beautiful films don't cut it as far as living
goes. That's why I like movies.
Swanner
Hooray!
Raj
You know what my favorite movie is?
Swanner
Citizen Kane?
Raj
Groundhog Day. That movie is AWESOME!
Swanner
Bill Murray?
Raj
Goddamn right, Bill Murray. A genius. A titan in a world of ants.
It is the most perfect film ever shot, I'd stake my life on that.
Every frame is priceless.
Swanner
And why is that?
Raj
You ever seen it?
Swanner
Once. Probably caught it on TV too.
Raj
Then why are you asking? You've seen it! You've seen that masterpiece
and you dare question it? I knew a guy like you once. His name
was Jorge Guevara. And he questioned EVERYTHING. Like this one
time I gave a speech in class about getting my shoes stolen in
India and he dared question it. Actually, now that I think on
it, he didn't question it. But it was a lie, nonetheless. Now
you talk.
Swanner
I'm not questioning it, I just don't remember it.
RAJ turns to the PATRON
on his right
Raj
Hey, you. You ever seen Groundhog Day?
Patron
Nah, can't say that I did.
Raj
What's your name?
Patron
MC.
Raj
MC what?
Patron
MC...Ren.
Raj
Well MC Ren, let me have the honor of reccomending something to
you. It's a movie. It's about a man who relives the same day over
and over again. Groundhog Day. At first he's an asshole about
it. Since he's an asshole anyway. That's the point you see, he
has to change. He has to grow. The longer he lives that same day
the more he sees what an empty existence he's led. So he changes.
He is inspired to be more than he really is. He pulls himself
up and acts like a man. He goes full circle. Fixes things with
people, starts anew. See, if we all lived through a thousand Groundhog
Days, I assure you MC Ren, there wouldn't be any crime, any war,
all that shit wouldn't matter. I promise you, MC Ren. I promise
you. Now on the way home, I want you to get yourself a copy and
watch the living shit out of it. Best movie ever made.
Swanner
I'd appreciate it if you don't bother the other customers, sir.
Raj
I'm not bothering him. I'm suggesting things. Just keep doing
your bartender things, me and MC Ren are having us a talk.
Swanner
Don't seem to me like he's in the talking mood.
Raj
Why of course he is, you damn fool. He's just preoccupied. What's
the matter MC Ren?
MC Ren
My bitch say she gonna divorce me. Told me when I got home from
work.
Raj
What are you doing here then?
MC Ren (surprised)
What?
Raj
You love her?
MC REN
You're goddamn right.
Raj
I'm sorry to hear that MC Ren, truly I am. But what are you doing,
drinking your ass into the ground instead of winning her back?
MC Ren
No fucking point...
Raj
You don't know that-
Swanner
I think he knows better than you do, so why don't you keep your
friendly advice to yourself? Elsewise I might steal your shoes!
Raj
What about you Bartender? You in love? Ever been?
Swanner
Once, a long time ago, when I used to work in a library but...But
I don't see as that's any of your affair.
Raj
Of course it isn't. Want to know something? A secret?
Swanner
I love secrets!
Raj
My oldest friend is dying.
Swanner
Oh.
Raj
MC Ren's wife is giving him papers and Life is giving my friend
his. You know what they say right? Life is a bitch, and all that?
Swanner
I'm pretty sure life is a beautiful woman and you only call her
a bitch cause she won't let you get that pussy. Or maybe you're
just an asshole who couldn't sweet talk the princess. Or maybe
life isn't a bitch she's just sick of being personified...
Raj
Whoa whoa whoa, I didn't ask for your life story there! Fine fine,
life ain't a bitch.
MC Ren
My wife.
Raj
What's that MC Ren?
MC Ren( pause)
My wife...she be a bigger bitch than Too Short...That's why I
love her though. I do love her, so help my black ass.
Raj
Sorry to hear that. Truly. Thing will work out. You just need
a specialist. A marriage specialist I mean. He'll help out.
MC REN puts his head down against
the bar is sullen defeat.
Raj
You have the time barkeep? I'm supposed to be meeting someone
here at the witching hour. He's never late. Never was, anyhow.
JAMIE ROGERS enters, takes
a seat next to RAJ.
Jamie
Give me a shot of whiskey. No. Make that two shots.
Swanner
Coming right up.
JAMIE looks angry. He is looking
straight ahead, and will not lay eyes on RAJ.
Raj
Punctuality always was your strongest suit.
Jamie
Being despicable was yours.
Raj
I'll drink to that!
Jamie
You want to get to it?
Raj
Get to what?
Jamie
Get to me beating the tar out of you. I've been wanting to for
ten years. I wanted to every day of college. I wanted to when
I was in Iraq dodging bullets, I wanted to when Sarah Mounts squeezed
out the kids, I wanted to on the way over here and I want to now.
Raj
I guess maybe I shouldn't pick up the tab then.
Jamie
Pick up whatever the hell you like. Obviously I'm not going to
around to watch your back anymore.
Raj
When did you ever watch my back, Jamie?
A long unforgiving pause.
Jamie
I have cancer.
Raj
That's what your letter said. Didn't mention wanting to beat the
tar out of me. Or maybe I just skipped that part!
Jamie
I thought you would have read between the lines. You haven't done
anything since then have you?
Raj
I've watched a lot of movies. Drank a lot. Had my shoes stolen.
But I don't suppose that's what you mean.
Jamie
You betrayed me.
Raj
I know. I'm sorry.
Jamie
You were supposed to be my best friend.
Raj
I know. I was.
Jamie
No. You weren't.
Raj
If I could do anything, anything-
Jamie
I trusted you. I got you through high school. I beat up anyone
who picked on you. I made sure you had decent grades. I made sure
people respected you. I defended you when they slandered you,
time and time again. I said, "There's more to Raj that that,
you just have to get to know him". Do you have any idea how
hard it was to face everyone after what you did? All they wanted
to do was rub it in my face, as if I was still strong. As if I
still had any faith in anything. Any idea at all?
Raj
I'm sorry.
Jamie
You're sorry. What good does that do? What fucking good does that
do? We are still where we are now, except I have cancer.
Raj
What kind of cancer?
Jamie
I'm pretty sure you've heard of the cancer that doesn't kill people.
Well lets just say I wish I had that one.
Raj
Jesus Christ, Jamie!
Jamie
There's no need for...
Raj
No look! There he is. Coming out of the bathroom. With Tom Kruller
and Nate Kavanaugh. What the fuck is going on here?
JESUS enters, holding TOM
and NATE, one under each arm.
Jesus
It was I who carried them. Obviously. Which one of you guys is
gonna buy me a drink? I'm famished!
Raj
You got it, Jesus!
Jamie
What the fuck is going on?
Jesus
Be at peace. This doesn't mean anything. Nothing means anything.
So don't sweat the small shit, alright? Does that make you feel
a little better?
JAMIE pauses for a long length
of time. Everyone is watching him.
Jamie
Yes. I suppose it does at that.
Jesus
Good! Lets drink to that. Barkeep, I want a shot.
Swanner
Coming right up Jesus.
ACT ONE, SCENE 2
JAMIE and JESUS are at the
beach, sitting on lawn chairs, watching the ocean.
Jamie
Jesus?
Jesus
Yes my son?
Jamie
Is Raj ever coming back? From the Space War I mean?
Jesus
Well as to that. That depends on his survival skills. The Balorgam
system is full of all manner of nasty beasties.
Jamie
I guess you're right...Lets go.
THEY DON'T MOVE