The Seed of the Conflict

It be impossible to understand the struggle that would become the Wars of the Roses without first a little background as to the creation of "a race of magnates" as Alison Weir puts it. See that austere mofo up there? That's Edward III, known to his friends as E-Dog. He was born in 1327, the son of Edward II, who made an appearance in the movie Braveheart, as the bad guy's very gay and pathetic son. Though some may point out his greatest accomplishments as beating back Scottish upstarts or making a claim to the throne of France, or even the decline of feudalism and rise of mercantilism during his reign, it be the opinion of 'dis badass that his greatest accomplishment was the vast brood of little ones his wife, Phillipa managed to squeeze out from between the royal legs. Damn woman! Or I should say, damn E-Dog! The seed is strong!

And did Edward give his children minor positions in his own households? No biatch, you be wrong. Edward carved up large pieces of the English countryside, and made them Dukes. His first son was one mean motherfucka, also named Edward, but more commonly he went under the moniker, the Black Prince. His temper was just as black as the armor though. Nobody fucked with the Black Prince, not unless they wanted serious reprimanding...From his sword! As a knight the heir to the throne was quite dazzling, often a champion of the joust, and a peerless warrior as he proved in France. He was probably knee deep in bitches. Anyway, he got sick later in life and tarnished his reputation by ordering the slaughter of numerous innocents. But I pose the question? Who is really innocent? Just playin', he done a bad a thing. He died in 1377 and left only one son. That son would eventually become the king of England, and unlike his grandfathers mighty sperm, his would not deign to form a child. Alas, this probably had a lot to do with why the Wars of the Roses started.

Before I go on any further, I just hope everyone's brushed up on the English monarchy up to this point. We all know that the country has been ruled by a steady line of Plantagenet kings since 1154 right? You best be knowing that. Lots of the famous kings were Plantagenets, like Richard the Lionhearted or his brother John Lackland. And Edward Longshanks, the bad-azz from Braveheart. I read a book once that claimed they were descended from the Devil but I'm gonna go out on a limb and tell that source to suck it. Edward III was like most of his Plantagenet ancestors, tall and proud with long hair and a beard. Under his leadership England beat France several times, putting the French where they belong: some place of humiliation and defeat. Sadly the Frogs took back much of the land lost to them and by the time Edward died all that was left of his conquests (aside from Aquitaine) were a few town and the land around Calais, called the Pale.

I feel as the Scribe I must relate to you a few of the other children of Edward III. His second son be Lionel of Antwerp, the Duke of Clarence. He married Elizabeth de Burgh, who happened to be the only heiress of the Earl of Ulster. Through her mother's side she also happened to be a descendant of King Henry III. Well, after that build up your probably expecting somethin interesting to come of it. Well, no. She died and Lionel of Clarence, runner up son, married again, this time to Violante Visconti, who's father was the Duke of Milan. Mothafuckin' Milan and sheeyit. Apparently just six months after they tied the not he died under mysterious circumstances, most likely poison. And they didn't even get to break in the bed! Lionel's daughter Phillipa (something not right about that name if it is my opinion you be beseeching) married Edmund Mortimer who was the third Earl of March. The reason this is even worth mentioning is that some day the House of York would use this as a claim to the throne. So keep that all in mind in case I, da humble rapper, forget to inform you. Sucka.

The king's third son was John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster. Don't let that name fool y'all out there, this man wasn't no gaunt faced sallow bellied candy assed jerk named John-John. No sir. Here was a tall, lean, regal man. He was richer than Scrooge McDuck as well, owning huge estates in England and France. He liked to read too, much like yourself, the reader, and always enjoyed a good joust. And though I wasn't there to see it, credible sources reveal to me, when taking on the Duke, you his opponents done get they asses whupped. Now don't forget about John of Gaunt, we'll get back to him later.

My man, E-Dog, Edward III himself, died in 1377. As the dashing Black Prince already was decomposing, the crown passed to his son, a little tyke by the name of Richard. Richard II. He was only ten years old when he took over the throne and was only a whack figurehead, as the real power lay in a council that was headed by his Uncle, the aforementioned John of Gaunt. He eventually married his shortie, Anne of Bohemia, but she died without squeezing out a kid, and he had to marry again, this time to Isabella Valois, daughter of Charles VI of France.

To make a long story short, Richard II was one crazy assed cracker monarch. He thought a bit too highly of himself it seems and was not one to follow things such as...laws for instance. He was more than a bit of a tyrant, he taxed the people in horrendous ways and they rose up in a Peasant's Revolt but alas, the dirty common folk of the land couldn't touch the monarch, who as we all know, is God's Annointed. Richard was led by the nose by a few close friends, such as Michael de la Pole and Robert de Vere. My source tells me that the relationship between the King and de Vere was "obscene".

In 1397 Richard crossed yet another line and became an indirect "kinslayer", planning out the murder of his father's youngest brother, Thomas of Woodstock. Woodstock was the man responsible for banishing Robert de Vere (his love liason it seems). Poor Lord Thomas of Woodstock, Duke of Gloucester, found himself smothered. At least he died in bed!

Various fellas in the king's court wanted to put an end to the disastorous reign of Richard II and put the little bitch where he belonged. Plenty of conspiracies were thrown around, but very little actually made it into advanced stages. Thomas Mowbray, the Earl of Nottingham, one of the principal conspirators warned Henry Bolingbroke, the heir of John of Gaunt that the king meant to destroy then all. Somehow the king done got word about these whisperings and demanded to know who was responsible for the slander against his name. In typical coward fashion, Thomas Mowbray accused Henry Bolingbroke, and Bolingroke accused Mowbray just as quickly. The lords of the land decreed that the issue should be decided by trial by combat, Henry against Thomas on the field of battle.

When the day finally came the king (who's one whack ass bitch I'd just like to reiterate this) decided against the combat. He exiled both of the lords, Mowbray for life and Henry for ten years. Henry left for France and Mowbray went on to Jerusalem and died of the Black Death not too long after. Richard II brought Henry Bolingbroke's son who's name was Henry Mommouth (damn, these English nobles ain't got imagination when it comes to naming their little ones') to court to make sure of his father's continued good behaviour.

John of Gaunt was of course, not to happy about the exile of his son became ill, and died. While they were estranged, Gaunt had always done his best to "represent" to the king, and remained one of the few loyal vassals. As he died there was nothing left to stop his son from once again challenging the king. King Richard rode off soon after to put down a revolt in Ireland against the fighting Irish, and Henry Bolingbroke broke exile, showing the world that he had some cujones after all.

He landed in Yorkshire (on July 4th) and gained much support from the common people who be angry at the goddamned king and his silly laws. Nobles flocked to his banner as well. The king's army was no match for Bolingbroke's "hard-core king deposing militia" decided to flee and dress himself up as a friar. He was caught trying to climb a window and was never alone again, always protected by various of Bolinbroke's gizaurds (guards). He was confined to the Tower of London. Bolingbroke was declared King Henry IV, the first of the Lancastrian bitches to touch the throne. Usurpers, the whole bloody lot of them. After increased assasination attempts by loyalists still pledging their life's blood to Richard II, Henry IV ordered the former king iced. Meaning, he done signed the fool's death warrant.

Henry was being risky. He was descended from the third son of Edward III. The claims of the heirs of the second son were utterly ignored, though they still existed. What was this wack sunofabitch thinking anyhow? I daresay! The nerve of these Lancastrian upstarts! Well, that's him up there, looking all fancy shmancy. Many of the common folk said God would get his revenge on Henry, and maybe he did. He got very little accomplished during his reign, he was never loved overtly by the people, and he was not the great man he wanted to be. Not great like me, I am one great man if I do say so myself, a stone cold bad-ass love doctor of ass whupping that is!

During his reign even the Welsh scoundrels found time to revolt. They were led by Owen Glendowner, some Welsh big shot (he ain't nuthin though, if I were the king I would have fucked that fool up like it ain't no thang). The Welsh allied themself with the Percies, a powerful Northern family who would later play an important role in the War of the Roses proper.

Then the poor muthafucker got a disease most of us modern historians agree was probably syphyilis. Sucka. The disease spread and he kicked the eternal bucket before too long. He died with people still plotting to kill him. His son, the erstwhile goofy piece of shit known as Henry Monmouth, claimed the throne, becoming Henry V, who was called "The Flower of Christian Chivalry". I wonder who coined that title, and if the bastard knew what chivalry entitled. Because it certainly does not fucking mean killing of innocent men, women, and children. No bitch, that's more like ruthlessness than chivalry.

Henry V knew something about distracting his peeps from the unrest of their government that would probably still work today. Declare war on muthafuckin, frog talkin', cheese smelling, foul wenched France. Henry V, for being a complete bastard of creation, was a good soldier. At the Battle of Agincourt he proved himself and devestated the French as well. It seemed an impossible victory, both the English and the French were stunned and England heaped glory on him, while France through feces at him, but were probably still scared of him. He was one mean bad-ass, he rocked their asses hard he did.

He began passing ideas around with another bad ass on the bad ass block, this one the insane king of France, Charles VI. In an attempt to unite their lands they decreed Henry was to wed the daughter of Charles, Katherine of Valois. Henry did his duty and got "Queenie" plump with his child then ran off to fight again.

He never even saw his son, Henry VI, the wee child who would one day reign over England for much of the turbulent period known as the Wars of the Roses.

And there's your background information you lazy motherfucker.

Alex Cesario Siquig Esquire