Of Fire And Ichor

Emory Fuqua always wanted to catch a star on her tongue and eat it. For, she was a Star Eater, a race older than the Earth, but not quite as old as the Other Earth, the name of the planet the Star Eaters lived on

"One day," she thought in hopeless longing, "I'll eat a star, and then all the boys at school will like me."

But that was not the reason the boys at school didn't like her, they didn't like her because when she was angry she would turn into a large being known as a Big Star Eater, and over on The Other Earth, people didn't much like Big Star Eaters. It's a complex social system.

One day she was about to go to lunch when a Thancherian stopped her in thehall.

"Want a bite of my rhysolymph?" it said from one of it's sixty mouths. Thancherians sure loved their rhysolymphs. Rhysolymphs were small creatures who looked like rats with wings and a indonesian man's face. They came from the land of Rhyso, which was adjacent to Thancheria. However, recently the war between the Rhysolymphs and Thancherians had reached a terminal point. The king of Rhyso had declared Umbrugal on Thancheria. Umbrugal was the holiest of holy wars in the Dertecart scriptures, which were the source of the Rhysolymph's main religion, Hiyretan.

An ancient wise man named Frank Sargent Dertecart wrote all the scriptures while waging the first Umbrugal against the then king of Thancheria, Aaron "Bud" Lilley Estewtagon. The war raged on for forty Omphong (a two year denomination that is the standard form of measurement on The Other Earth. You say, "I'll be there in a hundredth of an Omphong," or, "I boned that bitch for, like, twenty Omphong" [except on The Other Earth, no one says "boned," or "bitch," they say "grumtilim" and "vromticrom"]).

"Do you give up, Lilly Estewtagon?" Sargent Dertecart asked, with a curved blade of Tymphese to the Thrancherian king's rotten throat.

"Not until the Frangiton sings, which is rare, since it has no mouth!" he said, knife to his throat, eyeing the wise Frank Sargent Dertecart in comtempt.

"It's true that it has no mouth, but it manages to create artificial singing noises through a combination of the spinning of it's sixteen tendrils and the blinking of it's one eye - and it's eye sees all!"

"Still, that practice is pretty rare."

Frank did not answer because he was busy slitting Lilly's throat.

Suddenly, the thunder nymph Queen Ashley Bawdon Venliton appeared before Sargent Dertecart.

"Stop what you are doing!" She cried, attempting to end Sargent Dertecart's violent slaying, but seeing as she appeared after he had already slit the Thrancherian's throat her words were little more than kindling (on The Other Earth, kindling is called "Yuoptiyon").

"He had to be killed," Sargent Dertecart said, whiping his bloody blade into the goblet of lies, an ancient treasure that the Thrancherians had stolen from the Rhysolymphs. "He unleashed the hundred plagues of the temptations upon my people."

"Yes, but this is not the real Aaron 'Bud' Lilly! This was an imposter put in his stead so that they could trap you. Now they're behind you!"

He turned around to see one hundred million Thrancherians, all brandishing buntifongs maniacally. The real Aaron "Bud" Lilly Estewtagon stepped forward to the head of the pack, looking down his thirty noses at Frank Sargent Dertecart.

"Fool! You thought you could take me down that easily?" He said, laughing that way that is indiginous only to the Thrancherian people. "Get 'im boys!" he shouted, pointing his claw hand at Sargent Dertecart.

Thousands upon thousands of Thrancherians rushed upon wise Frank Sargent Dertecart as he backed up against the castle wall. He blessed himself, prayed to the thirteen gods of the Rhyso people and shot a magic bullet out of his gun eyes. The Thunder nymph empowered the bullet with thunder stuff and it destroyed the Thrancherian people!

"Finally, the job is done." Frank Sargent Dertecart said mostly to himself.

"You have done well to protect the Rhyso people, Bawdon Venliton said to him, taking a quick look at his firm ass.

"And that is why I don't eat rhysolymphs," Emory Fuqua said to the Thrancherian who's name was Andrew Langlois. But then she thought about how she lost the magic key the ghost of her grandfather had given her that morning and she got really angry, turning quickly into a Big Star Eater. All the boys were pissed.

"Emory Fuqua!" a booming voice said from the heavens.

She shrunk back to her normal size in fear. Where had the voice come from?

chapter 2.

She looked up to see a speaker from the school's P.A. above her head!

"Emory Fuqua, please report to principle Chad Hutchings Tumtolion's office," the voice said again.

She hung her head in shame and teleported herself to the principle's office.

Principal Chad Hutchings Tumtolion was a bear of a Ponditorian. Ponditorians were a race of folk who were originally from the planet New Dondrigan, a place where everyone rode dragons and had swords just because the law allowed them to do so.

He sat calmly at his desk, hands folded before him. He cleared his throat derisively before he spoke.

"Emory, you do remember that you're on academic probation, correct? Or, as my people say, 'Academic Gubnitruyan.' "

She knew where this was going.

"Yes, Principal Hutchings Tumtolion," she said, her head hung in defeat.

"And you do know that there are statutes against Big Star Eaters at our humble school, correct?"

"Yes, Principal Hutchings Tumtolion."

Suddenly, she remembered something her mother had told her before the wicked King of the Waviban people had killed her.

"Tum...Tumtolion..." she had whispered into young Emory's ear.

She stood up, turning quickly into a Big Star Eater.

"You!" She shouted. "You're the one who killed my mother!"

Hutchings Tumtolion shed his Star Eater guise and turned back into the Waviban he always was.

"I did, but I only did it to get to you! You should have gone down when I poisoned you with the Great Wyrm's blood. Somehow you were immune to it's effects."

She ignored that statement because she was pretty sure he was confusing her for someone else and she didn't want to embarrass him.

"Why are you trying to kill me?" She asked in consternation.

"Because you are the only one who can turn into a Big Star Eater on this planet, and in the future a Big Star Eater from this planet will come and devour my people's world. I'm a hologram from the future sent back in time to kill you before you reach your true potential!"

It all sort of made sense!

"Your people are craven despots!" She shouted, turning into a Big Star Eater, even though she had already done that.

"So?" he said, quickly pulling out a laser bomb.

They started to fight and one of them won!

"This book is going to be fucking awesome," Barret Ausman thought to himself as he wrote the final line in his magnum opus, Of Fire and Ichor.

And they all died in a car crash.