REVOLUCION!

(A REAL ESSAY turned into Tom Kruller's English Writing 1A class.  His assignment was to present a problem on the DeAnza Junior College campus, and solve it using LITTLE or NO money.  Enjoy.)

I look around DeAnza and I see nothing but fat-flab, chub, obesity, whatever you want to call it-and I feel ashamed.  The state of student physiques in our university is nothing less than a great greasy stain upon campus pride.  Surveys have shown that at least two of every three Americans are obese, and our fair little junior college reflects that.  At our current rate, how will America find enough able-bodied men and women to fight off another British invasion?  And don't say it can't happen-I might remind you of a little war back in 1812.  My fellow students, esteemed faculty members, and minimum-wage custodial staff, lend me your ears.  I mean that figuratively, by the way.  We must take back our school from the sweaty grip of obesity, and we must take it back now.

For years, our educational colleagues in the elementary school system have known one clear fact-the game of Dodgeball is like Kryptonite to fat children. That is, if chubby kids were like Superman, which they most certainly are not.  I've never seen Superman chomping down on some Hostess cupcakes while guzzling a chocolate milk-shake.  Anyway, the fact is that Dodgeball forces weak children to shape up, via threat of physical pain.  But why stop at the 6th grade?  Why can't we harness the lesson already learned by our brave, albeit a little creepy, gym teachers?  I say we can.  I say we can shave off the pounds of our fat students, all the while saving money for our physical education program.  I say we put into effect a revolutionary new system of Dodgeball fitness education that will put DeAnza on the map, and start a wave of these new programs across America, possibly even branching out into the private sector.  My plan is to make Dodgeball a part of everyone's student tenure here at DeAnza, whether it is appreciated or not.

"I am only vaguely confident they exist."  Is this the opinion we want our students to have of our physical education program?  We need a program so expansive that no one will be ignorant of the workings of the program.  The fact is, if they don't know about the physical fitness program, they certainly won't use it.  The program needs to be right in front of them, staring them in the face, or it won't work at all on a large scale.  The program also needs to be exciting. Not just the humdrum day by day work-outs in "Hook's weight lifting/strength development class," but something glamorous, something to grab the attention of our stout students, and hold it there.  For, as we all know, the portly are infamous for having short attention spans.

According to my school-wide survey, only 1 out of every 3 people are confident in their physical shape. To put this in perspective-this means that only 33% of our current student population could be called upon to build a pyramid honoring one of our pharaohs.  I know this fact might be somewhat unsettling, but it is true.  The current fitness program is simply not doing enough-that is to say, it is not getting enough people involved on any serious level.  Of course, all students know the health and other benefits of exercise, they just aren't excited enough about it to participate.  And, as I have shown, many don't even really have much knowledge of our current P.E. program.  Which brings me to my final point-that even if our P.E. program works, and people know about it, not many people will participate, simply because they are not excited enough about it.

"Dodgeball" is in itself almost synonymous with "excitement."  Of my school-wide survey, only ONE person objected to the notion of having Dodgeball as an athletic event.  In fact, 3 of every 6 people surveyed were excited by the very idea of playing dodgeball.  "Yay dodgeball!"  "Hell of tiiiight!" "That would be awesome!"  These are but a few accolades for Dodgeball, and though they are somewhat infantile, they show the raw enthusiasm that we can tap into making a normally fat and lazy campus into a buzz of physical activity.  In short, our campus is out of shape-many students are hardly even aware of the P.E. program.  But at the very thought of the game of Dodgeball, they're already chomping at the bit to play.

Though we can all accept the fact that students are by and large out of shape, and that few have any great involvement in the physical education program, there remains one argument against this new system.  Some argue that Dodgeball is "not an athletic sport.  It is a sport for younger kids."  These nay-sayers would have you believe that no one would consider Dodgeball as a serious athletic event.  They would say that the serious students of DeAnza would not participate, and that resources should not be diverted from other P.E. classes.  My answer is simple: those who consider themselves too old for Dodgeball can keep their swimming and weight-lifting courses, because those basic P.E. courses will not be removed from the curriculum (not yet).  The less vital P.E. courses, such as fencing, badminton, and perhaps yoga, would be cut, and those resources and faculty would be redirected to the new Dodgeball fitness program. Eventually, once the Dodgeball program has become more accepted among these detractors, we will cut further programs as they shall not be needed, expanding the P.E. program until it operates exclusively around the sport of Dodgeball.  Thus the transition will be painless.

Here are the basic parameters for how the system would work, excerpted from my yet unpublished "Dodgeball Compendium."

All across campus, there would be large "dodgeball zones" set up, giving students a variety of different play areas.  The zones would be set up so that, if a student or faculty member so wished, he or she could move around the zone, thus avoiding play, and still being able to reach his or her destination.  There would be at least one of these zones placed on the parking lot area; these parking spaces would then be completely free of charge, but the student or faculty member who uses them would have to exit and enter their automobile through an active dodgeball zone. The zones themselves would be clearly marked, and patrolled by referees.  Technically, there would be two border marks-one for play, one for safety. Players could not bring any dodgeballs out of the play zone, and the safety zone would show how far non-players would need to stand behind to avoid being hit.  If a dodgeball exits the play area, players must wait for a referee to return it.  Any player found carrying a dodgeball outside the play area, even if he or she is only returning it to the play area, will be given a penalty.  Carrying the ball outside of the play area would technically be placing one or both feet outside of the play zone, while carrying a dodgeball.  Playing itself would be very simple. Players are given a basic helmet, with the option of extra protective equipment, including knee pads, elbow pads, etc.  The goal of the game would be to simply pummel your opponents by throwing large rubber balls at them before they pummel you.  A more complex set of rules will be given to the "League Players," who will be given specific games to play, monitored by their own referees.  Additional volumes on League play will be released at a later date.  While in an active dodgeball zone (dodgeball zones would not always be active), students would automatically receive P.E. credit for the amount of time spent, and League Players will be given more P.E. credit than regular players.  The amount of credit given would vary upon time of day, dodgeball zone, how many other players are active that day, etc.

DeAnza needs to shape up.  For too long have we simply accepted that our student "body" is out of shape; we have let our P.E. program get away with mediocre results.  But this problem can be fixed quickly, and with no extra cost to our already financially beleaguered university.  Dodgeball is the perfect athletic event-it not only exercises every area of the human muscle system, but it excites and enthralls all who play it.  Please join me in petitioning our administration for a redress of these grievances, and remember: "Yay dodgeball!"

Tom Kruller