The Sherrif or the Case Of the Barn Vampires

The cruel Western wind blew at the sign, Redemption it said, but no town had ever been so misnamed, not even Kansas City, which wasn't even in Kansas. Ruffians and brutes and men who could turn no where else flocked to Redemption like flies flocked to shit.

Sherrif Cooper Falk sat in his office, watching cowboys ride their horses down the dusty streets, spitting their tobacco. He had been an outlaw before they pinned the golden star on him, but he would die before he let the the streets fall into complete lawlessness. He was the only thing that stood between the people and total chaos. Him and his deputies, that is.

As of late he had been hearing scary stories. And he hated scary stories. He mostly liked stories about oceans and hunting things. He had never seen an ocean, besides the ocean of grief, but that was hardly an ocean. More of a really big lake. A lake of grief. "It was an lake," he whispered to himself, "No matter what they say."

"He is thinking about the ocean of grief again," Deputy Chauncey P. Farnsworth said with a wan smile.

The other deputy, a black vagrant named Moses shouted, "How could you know what he was thinking unless..." Moses drew his long belt knife, "Witch!" He stabbed Chauncey P. Farnsworth, which Chauncey was at least partially expecting. Moses had threatened to stab him once every day since they had both been hired, two days ago.

Moses ran out the the Sherrif's office and promptly found a young couple on the street, Frances DeJesus and David Thampson, Michelle's boyfriend (oddly enough Michelle was not around). "You know what you need to do? Tell her you love her everyday. Shake it up. Do it on the table. Suck her toes." Then he abruptly remembered he was a wanted man and kept running, for God knows where.

Cooper barely noticed the grisly scene unfold. He was still engrossed in his ocean of grief thoughts. Chauncey P. Farnsworth was officially dead by now. The only deputy remaining, Ms. Marchi dragged him to the graveyard, presumably to be buried, but you never knew when Ms. Marchi was around.

An attractive woman knocked on the door, and Cooper raised his eyes. She was quite sultry looking.

"May I help you?" Cooper asked, squinting. He liked to squint. He started smoking. He liked that too.

"That depends Sherrif," the sultry woman said, damn she was sultry. "I need a man who isn't afraid to take chances, isn't afraid to face the unknown."

"What are you getting at Ms...?"

"They call me Sultry Diana. I suppose you can call me that too. Now, can you help me or not?" She planted her hands on her swaying hips.

"Oh I can help you. But can you pay?" Cooper leaned forward intently, squinting and smoking even more than usual.

"Name your price." Sultry Diana leaned over his desk, sultry-ly.

He named his price.

"That's it?" Sultry Diana looked dissapointed.

Cooper reconsidered. "Alright, two dollars. Do you like Manowar?"

"Hell yeah!" Sultry Diana answered, doing an air guitar metal solo for several minutes. Cooper pounded his desk like drumsfor another several minutes. Finally they got back to the matter at hand.

"What's been the problem?"

"Vampires." Sultry Diana said without hesitation, crossing herself quickly.

"Vampires." Cooper said doubtfully, eyeing her sultry ass body up and down. He didn't mean to have it sound like he doubted her. He had fought vampires before. Regular vampires, reverse vampires, punk vampires, Irish ones, he knew their tricks. Trick number one, kill you. "Where are these...'vampires' anyway?" He still sounded doubtful. He'd have to work on that. He honestly wanted to know.

"On my ranch, about five miles outside of town. Please, they live in my barn and I'm too scared to go after them, even in daylight, won't you help me?"

Cooper sprang to his feet and flexed his enormous muscle. "Look how big my biceps are, of course I'll help you. Hey, you aren't looking. Look how big they are."

Sultry Diana's eyes widened, finally looking, "My, they are big aren't they?"

"Darn tootin'!" Cooper said, putting on his gunbelt. He had two Colt revolvers that hardly ever missed. He called them the guns that hardly ever missed. He was trying to write a screenplay about it, but someone told him it reminded them of the Boondock Saints and that made him throw up and stop writing. Anyway, he put his gunbelt on. "I gotta go recruit some new deputies."

"There's no time!" Sultry Diana said, trembling, "We need to go now, I need you to drive a stake through their hearts as soon as possible!"

Cooper took her back around to the stables and told the stableboy to get his two finest horses, one for himself and one for the sultry little lady. "These are my two finest horses," Cooper said when the stableboy did just that.

"You can ride the stallion, we call him C. Thomas Howell, because people around here used to give a shit about him. As for the mare we call it Ian Curtis, cause there always seems to be a rope around her neck. Weird, huh?" Cooper flashed her his trademark dazzling smile. His golden tooth sparkled.

"Hella!" Sultry Diana said, fanning herself with her two fans she had been carrying the whole time.

Ms. Marchi came around the corner just then, his last trusted deputy. "Boss, don't go. I don't trust this jezebel farther than she could run the mile, and by the looks of her she couldn't even do the 880, probably not even the 440. It's a trap. I know it in my bones."

Cooper swung up on Ian Curtis and laughed a golden laugh, "Oh Ms. Marchi, you say the funniest things sometimes."

"How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Ms. Marchi said excitedly, taking his bait.

Cooper smiled and said in an exasperated tone, "How many Ms. Marchi?"

Ms. Marchi stared up at him with vacant eyes and walked away, muttering "I don't even know what ska is."

"Lets go to your barn," Cooper said, "Let us be rid of this vampire scum."

"Lead the way." Sultry Diana said, climbing onto C. Thomas Howell.

"But I don't even know where it is!" Cooper said, uncomfortably aware of how goddamn big his muscles were.

And they argued all the way to the barn. And it turns out they weren't vampires at all. They were just barn inspectors. But they killed them anyway.