You may be a little trepidatious about how to go about treating a Mail Order Groom. You are not incorrect in the assumption that they are not like you or me. They are a breed apart, it takes a special kind of man to sell his body to the highest bidder and we must respect those wishes. Follow these simple rules, put together by our resident botanist, Dr. Richard Gielgud, and you should have a pleasant time navigating the often lethal habits and past-times of your Mail Order Groom. Good luck! And good hunting!

Let's start off with some common myths about mail order grooms.

Myth One: They don't have feelings.

Myth Two: If you stand perfectly still, they can't see you.

Myth Three: If a mail order groom strikes you he is displeased.

Myth Four: They have souls.

Myth Five: Ordering a mail order groom is immoral and should only be considered by the most desperate of desperate killjoy harlots in the known universe. Killjoy harlots who use the internet a lot, that is.

Now that you know that all that is nonsense, we can begin to learn how it is acceptable to treat these treats.

1. They must have 5 meals a day. In essence they must eat when Muslims have to pray, so at fajr, duhr, asr, maghrib, and isha.

2. Grooms from Mail Order Groom Heaven MUST be kept away from soda at all times. This is not a precaution.

3. It would help to associate yourself with their language and their customs. This way it is easier to break them of old habits and residual love for their homeland.

4. Be polite, but firm. And ruthless, you must always be ruthless after firm.

5. Realize that the study of Mail Order Grooms is only at its infancy, and that further tips will be added periodically, depending on the success-failure ratio of others.

Adieu. you sick fucks.