after the popular Interview With A Bright Eyes Fan article won the Pulitzer, our very own trailblazer Bethany Watzman heads to the Warped Tour for a slice of the magic. I like the way this one is formatted better. It is wacky!

Interview with a Warped Tour fan

Bethany Watzman: First of all, what the fuck were you doing at Warped Tour?

Warped Tour Fan: What's wrong with Warped Tour?  You get to people watch. People watching is tight.  It's not like punk rock is uniform these days ­ there
are a ton of subcultures.  I like watching them interact. 

BW: So you paid how much to people watch?  Couldn't you have just gone to your
local Hot Topic?

WTF: Like $45.  Plus, Talib Kweli was at Warped Tour.  And Avenged Sevenfold. And Andrew W.K. No, because Hot Topic is too small.  The percentage of wankers is much higher.  I hate people, but I love gatherings, to quote Randall Graves.

BW: Wait, there are more wankers at Hot Topic or Warped Tour?

WTF: At Hot Topic.  I mean, there are hundreds of wankers at Warped Tour, but it's easy to siphon them out, as there are at least a handful of people worth watching.  Punk rock girls may be bitches, but they're hot.  Especially them ethnic beauties.

BW: Did you make fun of people quietly, or to their face?

WTF: It depended on the situation.

BW: Okay, onto more important matters than punk rock chicks ­ what is the first thing that you would do to fix the world?

WTF: Well, first I'd try to get some decent politicians worldwide.  And I don't mean decent as in "they'll do decent," I mean decent as in can do the job. Qualified, intelligent, grounded in morality ­ basically people who don't often become politicians.  There should also be a greater concentration on global affairs in the classroom, so the younger generations know what is going on. There should be a concentration of geography, history, the type of governments of our allies, our enemies.

BW: Do you think that children should be taught either French or Spanish starting in elementary school?

WTF: No, I don't think that is essential, especially with English becoming the language of the world.  Most will not master another language, so it will be a waste.

BW: But isn't that a bit egocentric (sic), to assume that everyone else in the world
should speak our language?

WTF: Not really.  French used to be a language of the world, and before that, Latin.  So they can suck it.  There needs to be a unified language.  And right now English is it.  Why go back on that progress?

BW: I'm not saying that we should go back on progress, I'm just saying that Americans should learn how to speak another language besides their own.

WTF: In twenty years, most Americans will know two languages, so no need to worry about that.  The key to fighting problems is to understand them.  To understand that gays are not the problem, Islam is not the problem, communism is not the problem. 

BW: Well, yeah, but then what is the problem?

WTF: I think global hubris is one of the problems.  Ignorance.  Acting as if we have all the time in the world.  Not treating things seriously.  Making big deals out of red herrings.  Being picky choosey about our moral ambiguity.  And rap music.

BW: Heh.  Who is your favorite Democratic contender for 2004?

WTF: HOWARD MOTHERFUCKING DEAN.

BW: Okay, switching gears for a second ­ what do you think about global
environmental policies?  those are pretty important too. 
WTF: Well, I wish the United States agreed to the Kyoto Protocol. 

BW: Bush was an idiot for not signing that.

WTF: Yes, but Bush has never had a thought that somebody else didn't think
first.  So, you need to think about whose interest this serves ­ big businesses, i.e. Republican constituents. 

BW: Does it concern you that our president is a puppet of big business? Or at least, that he appears to be?

WTF: Why should it?  Hasn't that been the case with every president?  It concerns me that this is the trend.  If not big business than something else.

BW: That is true, but it seems that Bush is even more controlled than the others.

WTF: The office of the president is corrupt, but a corrupt politician does not equal a bad human being right off the bat.  I  think that Bush seems more puppet because he is not all that bright. 

BW: Doesn't that concern you a little bit, too ­ that he's really not that bright?

WTF: Of course that concerns me.  But what concerns me the most is that the PEOPLE elected him.  Wait ­ they didn't.  Zing! 

BW: Do you think that al Gore would have done a better job of handling the "War on Terrorism" than President Bush, and why or why not?

WTF: That's tricky.  I can't really but all in all, probably yes. 

BW: He was really funny on Saturday Night Live that one time, wasn't he?

WTF: Never saw it.

BW: Not into pop culture much, are you?

WTF: No, I just don't watch Saturday Night Live these days.  It's a sad thing, so Norm McDonald-less.  And I think that the war effort would have been better without Rumsfeld. 

BW: So you place most of the blame on Rumsfeld, then?  And yes, Norm McDonald
was a shining star. 

WTF: No, I didn't mean to imply that.  But certainly a good deal.  Intel was not great, obviously. 

BW: Does Bush or his team make most of the decisions?

WTF: Well, listen.  Bush doesn't make any decisions.  Very few presidents ever do.  He's not qualified to make them anyway.  He has Condi Rice and Dick Cheney and nowadays Rumsfeld to instigate the policies, with Colin Powell a bit on the outside but still enough of an apologist that it is a bit sickening. Traditionally Secretaries of State don't get along with the rest of the Cabinet.

BW: I really need to take more history classes. 

WTF: Well, anyway, they are all hawks in his administration, and millionaires too, let's not forget that.  If Gore were president we might never would have gone into Afghanistan, although we probably would have. 

BW: That's true.  I've heard somewhere that this administration is the farthest removed from the American public in years.  Do you agree with that?

WTF: Definitely.  Ooooh, black people!  Suddenly multiracial means they have cred with me.  What a crock of shit.  There is no such thing as RACE in America
these days.  It is CLASS.  I mean, you don't even get the idea that [the Bush administration] is SMART or even good at what they do.  I wouldn't trust Henry
Kissinger with my shopping list, but, damn, at least he had brains. 

BW: Especially with Bush's tax cut, which I admit I know nothing about.

WTF: If you want to get into the economy, I'm no help.  I fail to comprehend all but the simplest terms.  But I do know one thing ­ it sucks.  It has taken a
nosedive since Clinton, leveled out at barely passable since.

BW: Do you have any insights as to whether the dive in the economy was the result of Clinton's policies, or those of the Bush administration?

WTF: No insight whatsoever.  But hey, I'll be a rabble rouser and say that things weren't bad until Bush got here.  So put two and two together.

BW: Okay, moving onto a completely different issue ­ what do you think of labels like "punk," "emo," and "indie?"

WTF: As a rule, I am against labeling people, but musical genres tend to need to be names ­ do you mean kids who say, "I am punk" or "I am indie" and what have you?

BW: Yes, I mean kids who define themselves as part of one particular group. 

WTF: Well, that is dumb.  Duh.

BW: I know, but why?

WTF: People are too complex to EVER be categorized by any word, much less one that has to do with music.

BW: You could argue that punk, at least, is much more than just a genre of music. 

WTF: Well, yes, in the same way that hip-hop is a culture.  But punk in and of itself is really just music.  I mean, punk can be a culture, definitely. 

BW: Putting your hatred of labels aside, if you had to label yourself, what would you be?

WTF: Me?  Hmmm.  Out of all the labels in the world, I am a Knight. 

BW: Interesting.  Now, random question time (not like it'll be any different from the rest of this interview).

WTF: Awesome

BW: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

WTF: Either the UK, Japan, Iran, or a dozen other places.  Everywhere has a history, and I like history. 

BW: Iran?

WTF: Iran.  Iran has a SHITLOAD of history.  You know Iranians are the true Aryans, right?

BW: I thought the Indians were the true Aryans. 

WTF: No.  It is the blood of ancient Persia, namely Iran, the only Persian state that exists today.

BW: I know that Iran was Persia ­ that's where the story of Purim took place.

WTF: Lots of things happened there.  Thus Iran is interesting.  The last great revolution took place there in '79. 

BW: This is true.  If you could sex up any one man, who would it be?

WTF: Steven Hawking, that would be a challenge. 

BW: Have you ever seen an episode of The Fairly Oddparents?

WTF: Not all the way through.  I've walked through the room a few times when it
was on. 

BW: Okay, final question ­ which state is the coolest?

WTF: Well, it's not Wyoming.  I'd have to say that there are certain sectors of each state that are really neat.  Overall, probably California, but that may be
a bias.  Just stay out of the central valley. 

BW: Other than that.

WTF: Probably Maryland.