Interview With A Bright Eyes Fan

For years (probably 4) I've dreamed of ditching the moribund rituals that make up my daily life, throw status quo to the wind, and yell out a sunroof, "Woooohooooo!" in the lamest way ever. The goal was to go to New Orleans and feast in the atmosphere of jazz and vampires and cajuns and Mardi Gras and funny talk. However that wasn't too be, but that's another story altogether champ. We ended up in Athens, Georgia, which is apparently a hipster's Mecca. I think Saddle Creek gets most of its converts from this little college town. Nice enough place, but snobbery was in the air as we crept up outside a winding down Bright Eyes show. The Prince of Pain was playing some delightful lo-fi tunes and we just stood by the door, laughing and crying and thumb-warring each other. As soon as the concert let out we tried to interview someone but that failed. We then tried again but they had to "get home". We caught the third one though, oh yeah.

Tommy Burma: First off, where do you live? For the readers at home.

Bright Eyes Fan: In Alpharetta, in suburban hell.

Tommy Burma: What's so hellish about it?

Bright Eyes Fan: It's the suburbs. everything and everyone looks the same, even the kids who are trying to be different. There is absolutely no culture or intellect in the suburbs whatsoever.

Tommy Burma: Sounds like subcultures in general. i just remembered, i'm not supposed to say subculture. It is misleading. What's the political bent of your city?

Bright Eyes Fan: Very, very, very right wing.

Tommy Burma: Interesting. Intelligent right wing like blog-king Tacitus or Michael Savage/Ann Coulter right wing?

Bright Eyes Fan: Right wing Ann Coulter, that heathen bitch. Well, probably a bit of both, actually.

Tommy Burma: Jesus. And what was the mood during the most recent invasion of Iraq? I say most recent invasion like it happens every day.

Bright Eyes Fan: The mood during the recent invasion of Iraq - support America, if you don't, you're a terrorist, communist, and you hate America.

Tommy Burma: What do you think could fix things up? Something Hiroshima Nagasaki-esque or something Martian invasion-esque?

Bright Eyes Fan: First, we need to get Bush out of office. I think Dean might do a good job, but Kerry would also work.

Tommy Burma: I agree. Dean and Kerry are my top guys, even though I can't be sure of any of them. How about Israel, what about all that stuff?

Bright Eyes Fan: I recognize the need for a Jewish state, because Anti-Semitism is still rampant but I think that the British just sort of gave up Palestine without talking to the Palestinians first, and that wasn't good.

Tommy Burma: What do you think about the fascination with the Middle East in general these days? CNN reports pretty closely the goings on of both Israel and the PLO but a lot of other things are ignored. in fact, if you turned on the news you'd be convinced the only two places that exist in the world are America and the middle east. and i don't even want to get started on fox news. point being, do you think other critical news is being pushed to the side due to the "fad" which is unfortunately Islamic terrorism and anything that even resembles it (people who are Muslim for instance, or live in Muslim countries)?

Bright Eyes Fan: Yes, I do agree that the Middle East should share attention with other things that are going on right now. Africa and South America are falling apart, and nobody seems to care.

Tommy Burma: Well, Africa is full of black people. And full of killer gray gorillas. And South America is just a bunch of drug cartels...Or is it?

Bright Eyes Fan: It shouldn't matter, and it's ridiculous that it still does.

Tommy Burma: What's the stupidest racially unaware thing you've ever heard anyone say?

Bright Eyes Fan: I don't know, I have to think about it. I try not to associate with people who say those sorts of things. But, it would probably be something to do would have to do with black people making themselves poor.

Tommy Burma: Word association time. I'm gonna say a country, you tell me the Disney Movie that corresponds with it. France.

Bright Eyes Fan: Fox and The Hound.

Tommy Burma: Odd, I would have said Beauty and the Beast. How about, Nigeria?

Bright Eyes Fan: That was too obvious. Nigeria is obviously Pocahantas

Tommy Burma: Oh, you are crazy. How about Austrailia?

Bright Eyes Fan:Hmm. Hercules. OH NO WAIT Canada would be Hercules because it's lame.
Tommy Burma: Ah

Bright Eyes Fan: Australia would be Sleeping Beauty

Tommy Burma: Why does everyone hate canada? Seems like a cleaner America to me.

Bright Eyes Fan: At the doctor's office, Fox News had a report on how Canada might be harboring terrorists, and it made Canada seem so evil. I don't hate Canada, it's just fun to make fun of .

Tommy Burma: Alright. You are putting together an oligarchy to run the United States and make sure that its run smoothly. Pick 5 people.

Bright Eyes Fan: 5 living and then 5 dead? Or mixed together?And do they have to be Americans?
Tommy Burma: First living, then mixed if you'd like. Or all dead. No, anyone, anywhere.

Bright Eyes Fan: Okay. Kurt Vonnegut, Bill Clinton, Johnny Depp because he's so beautiful that when people were having conflicts, we just bring him out and everyone will be too busy staring at his hotness. Ummm...George Washington, to be a leader. And Jesus, because people would listen to him. and I don't think he'd be happy about the missionaries.

Tommy Burma: Not all people would listen to Jesus...

Bright Eyes Fan: Well, not all people. But a lot of Americans

Tommy Burma: I would have chosen Muhammad. Maybe cause I know he existed and I'm not sold on Jesus yet.

Bright Eyes Fan: I think that Jesus existed. And even if he wasn't the son of God, people would believe that he was. And they'd listen to him, I'm telling you.

Tommy Burma: Is he the kind of man who would be a good administrator though?

Bright Eyes Fan: I don't know. I don't think we can really answer that question

Tommy Burma: Why do you think most interviews are so lame?

Bright Eyes Fan: I don't know. Cause people are lame.

Tommy Burma: And if they were making a movie about your life, who would you cast as the principal players?

Bright Eyes Fan: Okay, i would be played by...hmm. Natasha Lyonne. I like her. My worst enemy would be played by Molly Shannon, because that's who Amy looks like, in a way I don't know who else would have parts in the movie, honestly.

Tommy Burma: what about your parents. And this humble interviewer

Bright Eyes Fan: my dad would be played by Eugene Levy. My mom would be...hmm, I don't know. You'd be played by Ethan Hawke, of course.

Tommy Burma: Just say Christian Slater. He was da bomb in Robin Hood!

Bright Eyes Fan: Why Christian Slater? I don't like him as much as Ethan Hawke Or Johnny Depp. Wanna be played by Johnny Depp?

Tommy Burma: Sure.

Bright Eyes Fan: Okay. I'll have secret makeout sessions with him, then. Johnny Depp, I mean. not you. Or maybe we'll add that into the movie, but I'll do the kissing scenes.

Tommy Burma: I see. Good luck with that. As a Bright Eyes fan, was the show decent?

Bright Eyes Fan: My opinion of it...it was amazing. except for the fact that there were entirely too many screaming, crying 14 year old girls there

Tommy Burma: Don't you think people should shut the fuck up about Winona Ryder dating him? who cares?

Bright Eyes Fan: GOD YES. seriously. I don't care. It doesn't matter. What the fuck?

Tommy Burma: My thoughts exactly. what is your name anyway?

Bright Eyes Fan: Olivia Swann.
Tommy Burma: I guess I'll never know if you are telling the truth or if that's an obscure literary reference. I only read Maxim.

Bright Eyes Fan: About my name?

Tommy Burma: Yeah.

Bright Eyes Fan: You bastard, Olivia was the name of my dead grandmother.

Tommy Burma: My condolences.

Tommy "Muthafucking" Burma, Lord Of Siam