L.A. FINALLY BECOMES PART OF HELL

Recently, the areas around Orange County and other parts of southern California have been engulfed in some of the worst wildfires in recent history. According to ABC News.com, "Prometheus, a member of the giant race of Titans, stole fire from the gods and carried it to the Earth."*  And now, according to our sources, this 'fire' is being used by the dark lord Beelzebub to formally claim SoCal as his own.  For years now, we have all known that above all other deities, Satan has ruled supreme over California south of San Luis Obispo.  Now, as was written in the Necronomicon,** on All Hallow's Eve, if the Governor of California is "one born of Austria, whose body is of unnecessary fortitude, then shall the southern portion of Calie-forniae [SIC] be devoured by the dark prince Lucifer." 

In his fourth press conference (all by himself!!), President Bush announced a bold new executive order to evacuate all moderate-to super-models, as well as 76% of L.A.'s cocaine supply. When asked about the encroachment of the Devil, President Bush snidely downplayed the threat, using some unintelligible phrase about not messing with Texas.  He then distracted the media by picking up the first lady Laura Bush, and shaking her up and down in front of the cameras as she smiled politely.  She truly is a wonderful woman.

Staff Lover, Staff Fighter, Staff Writer, Tom Kruller