The Communist Manifestering Legion of Cock-Gobblers

Several days I ago I was minding my own evil, privatized business when I suddenly happened across one of those innumerable blathering Marxist cock monkeys who seem to all but typify the idiot leftist ideal of what today's "progressive" institutes of higher education are trying to fashion us into.  You know the ones I'm talking about: those emaciated, unshaven pseudo-intellectuals who have ostensibly opted to pay thousands of dollars in tuition each year to do nothing other than stand outside all day spouting nonsensical, half-considered rhetoric about the "exploited proletariats" and "evil capitalism's systemic inequality," their pasty, lecherous flesh all the while receding more and more toward the insipid void of their stark, worthless souls while their tangled, philistine facial hair gathers ever more into a dull, confused, collective mass representative of their most lusted-after wet dreams for the degeneration of Western civilization.  And that's only the women.  The supposed "men" of this detestable "historical dialectical materialist" movement ("Movement towards what?" I ask, and gracefully answer, "Contemptible, ass-bleeding, collectivist hell!") are twice as sickly, and ten times more likely to push for the socialization of your corn hole.

Yes, such is the manner of bottom-feeding, bile-sucking scum I encountered in the midst of minding my aforementioned business while wading through a deluge of Red-sympathizing neo-Luddites and animal suffragists several days ago on my way to English 352 at the grand old University of Washington, which, incidentally, is in Washington.

"Join the fight, brother," one of them called out to me in characteristic hissing, effeminate commie-talk.

"Join what fight?" I asked, and from there, my exoskeletonous comrade proceeded to inform me--in an ever-so impassioned and inarticulate seventeen minute declamation--about the evils of private property and the equal socioeconomic entitlement of the common man. Apparently, his thrice-professed, gravely intoned "love of humanity" was supposed to compensate for his offensive lack of command over even the most fundamental tenets of grammar, logic, and reason.

"Are you into role-playing?" I calmly asked him.

At this, the dull twinkle in his vacant eyes swelled into a veritable ultraviolet sunbeam, for here he thought he had at last found someone to indulge him in his lifelong fantasy of being ass-rammed by Friedrich Engels.

"Yeah, I am," he replied, making a failed attempt at understatement while simultaneously trying to extinguish his budding erection like the souls of so many free-market capitalists.

"Okay," I continued, "so private property is bad and the common man is good, is that what you're telling me?"

He nodded with enthusiasm and conviction as the shemen (the emasculated antithesis of semen) began trickling down his legs.

"Well, then," I said, "let's pretend that I am a communist and you are a capitalist," and from his hands I then forcibly seized all eighty-seven of his privately-owned "Communism Can Save the World" pamphlets and proposed to indiscriminately distribute them "to each according to his need" without regard for merit, ability, or socioeconomic background.

At once both ironically and predictably, he protested this (that's all these bleeding heart scrotum-munchers are really ever any good for) in a frenzied outburst of indignation and shock.  I mean, he was really, seriously frightened at the implications of what I was threatening to do.  Inevitably, the majority of his pamphlets would fall into the hands of the undeserving and undesirable; that is, anybody who was either too lazy to read them or smart enough to know better.  Suddenly, his good and decent common man had been transformed into a hopeless and idiotic ignoramus whose lowly, indifferent hands he wanted going nowhere near his cherished, truth-bearing pamphlets.

"That's my property and it's my right to decide when and to whom I'll hand it out!"

He didn't actually say those words, nor did he have to.  They were entirely self-evident...  The commie-killin' Red-wrangler wins again!

So now then.

All you Lenin-loving communist ass-hats can suck a fat, collectivized chode.

Brad the Bartender