Celes: Is She Gonna Give it Up, or What?

Man, I'm hella not sure how to feel anymore. Like, when I rescued her in the basement of South Figaro she totally reminded me of this one chick me and Prince Edward had a threeway with and so I guess I was just jonesing for some action, but - damn! - that booty was smokin! Know what I'm saying? Hell yeah! So, all the way to the cave between here and Narshe I was kicking tons of ass and looking rather suave, if I do say so myself. I remember this one time a leafer was trying to get all up in this shit and was like, "Bitch!" and totally stole a potion from it before whooping it's rabbit-ass. It was tight.

.

By this time I totally thought she was down for whatever. I could tell she was salivating for my treasure hunting gonads. I guess I just kind of assumed that because we had something going on that she would totally be down with the returners. Hell, I'd hit that shit even if she were Gestahl's daughter, know what I'm saying? Hell yeah!

But - shit man! - when she pulled that runic shit, I was all, "Naw bitch. Naw!" Turns out this ho, this trick ass, magic-infused ho, has got some HEEELLLLAAA wack way of absorbing magic or some shit. I don't know. It was wack. She was all trying to impress me with it, going all, "Don't worry Locke, I'll absorb this thing's magic attacks."

"Don't worry?" Bitch is telling me not to worry? I was ready to give her the ol' Locke backhand, but I figured I'd save that kind of energy for the sack. Tarts like her like that shit.

Anyway, we knocked that buster flat and were on our way to Narshe. It was kind of awkward for a while because we weren't really saying much, so I asked her what kind of music she liked. She said she was mainly into underground hip hop and I got pretty excited, because (and Banon will back me up on this one), if there's one thing I know better than treasure hunting and getting digits it's underground hip hop.

So, I played it cool and was all, "Oh yeah? Who do you like?"

Guess it was my own fault for getting excited. Here I am thinking the bitch is gonna say, like, MF Doom, or fucking El-P or something. No. Not even close. Bitch goes (I swear this is what she said): "Oh, you know, some Tupac, mostly early Puff Daddy stuff" (here's where she trys to act all cool, or whatever) "before he started to go by P. Diddy."

Oh yeah. You're real underground. Early Puff Daddy? What other "underground" shit you like? L'il Romeo? Don't make me fucking laugh.

Man, I practically left the bitch there, but I figured we could just check into the Inn at Narshe and I could hit that shit and leave her in the morning. So, after a while I've calmed down, looking at her behind sway all nice-like in those tight white clubbing pants, and I'm all nice and prepared by the time we get to Narshe. I've buttered her up enough, I was like, "oo, your hair is nice, did you put baby oil in it to get it all wavy like that?", you know, shit like that. So, she's digging me and I'm digging her, and I've just shelled out 100 fucking GP for a room, and who decides to show up? Fucking Saban and these two broke-ass looking dudes he's picked up along the way. One of them has a fucking mullet (seriously, a goddamn mullet) and talks like he's fucking Shakespear and shit. "Oh, Saban, doth thou want ye olde dick sucketh, because I am gayeth." The other guy is some kid who lumbers like an ape and says shit like, "You bad man!
Gau!"

Seriously, do you think you can cockblock me anymore here? Thanks a lot, pal.

Alls I know is, if bitch doesn't show me some love soon, I'm gonna leave her ass behind. Kefka can hit that shit for all I care! A ho's a ho. If I don't get some from her soon, I swear to Allah that I'm gonna start hitting on Mog. Fuck Terra, that bitch has baggage!

Locke Cole