The Art Of Stalking Girls

There are a variety of ways to woo the ladies. Some involve the consumption of alcohol, some involve crazy deep-rooted emotional issues/bonding, and others involve stalking. This article will focus on the third method mentioned.

Will this further cement my reputation as the creepy girl-crazy Astrotrain writer? Probably. Niiiice!

But really, stalking is a very normal way to woo the ladies. This can mean watching them from across the room at the library, cafeteria, park, show, etc. You can talk to people who know them and ask about them to find out their interests, funny stories about them, or even weird quirks. Of course, for the tech-savvy among us, services such as Live Journal, My Space and the like allow us to read the thoughts and interests of potential prey, as well as look at pictures of them taken in their bedrooms with strange lighting on digital cameras.

After doing the proper amount of stalking you gotta make your move. This is where you have to make it seem like you weren't stalking them though! Your prior stalking has given you a good base of material to use when you decide to start talking to them, but you can't let them know that you already know hella stuff about them. If they know that, then you'll come off as hella creepy, and stalking, by nature, is not creepy, but more covert and smooth. The weathered stalker among us knows what I'm talking about.

First, while doing your initial people-watching you should've taken note of places where you've seen the girl before. Maybe she works at a particular store where you'll "coincidentally" be shopping, or maybe she walks by your classroom right as you walk out of yours, or maybe she'll be volunteering at the blood drive where you went to donate blood.

Then, upon running into them "by chance", use just enough of the information you gathered to ensnare them into a conversation, and make sure that you take an interest in what they say, even if you already heard it all before in the course of stalking! For instance, if they like Operation Ivy, you should say "Operation Ivy is one of my favorite bands!". Then when they tell you that they also really like Common Rider, an Operation Ivy side-project, you say "I've never heard them, but I'll hella check them out!" even if you already downloaded both of their albums when you saw listed under her My Space interests.

Furthermore, let the information you've gathered help you to gauge the odds that she'll be into something you're into. For example, if you meet a Japanese exchange student you can tell her "I listen to some Japanese music" and you could tell her a few bands or singers like Hi-Standard or Polysics. Whatever you do though, don't tell her that you know Morning Musume and then do all the Morning Musume dance moves! This will hella creep them out! That'd be like if a Japanese boy met an American girl and told her that he hella liked 3LW and memorized all their routines. Even if you really do know Morning Musume's dance moves, this is not information to be made known at any time in the relationship, even into marriage. This sort of stuff never ceases to be hellof creepy. But I digress, once you tell her about the Japanese bands that you like, even if she doesn't know them, she'll tell you about the ones she likes and will likely be receptive to the ones you like.

Along with her interests, you can find out what type of things she likes to do by observing her actions or also by making some educated guesses based on her interests. If you see her hanging out at the library everyday you can assume she likes books. If you meet her at a show it would be a decent idea to ask her to go to a show the first time that you hang out together. If you see her eating tofu you can assume that she won't want to go to Sizzler with you, and you can also just scratch her off your list altogether. Etc, etc...

This is just a general overview of a common method used by man for millenia, one refined to great degrees in the last decade. Now that I've found myself a lovely girlfriend who seems to get a kick out of how insane I am, I figured I'd share my knowledge with the masses.

-Bob Vielma, Federal Booty Inspector