Title: No Damn Privacy
Author: Christine
Contact: [email protected]
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Rating: PG13
Archive: My site and whoever I sent this thing to.
Disclaimer: The only thing I own is about three months worth of underwear.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Warnings: Um, not really.
Author's Notes: This is humor, plain and simple. Please keep that in mind when reading this.
Acknowledgements: To everyone who reads this. *smooch*
Summary: They just can't get a break.
Clark sped through his chores. It was the weekend and he had bribed er, asked his parents nicely, if he could spend the weekend with his snuggle bunny (tm), Lex. The elder Kents had listened to him for hours with glazed over eyes and slack jaws. Sometimes the way Clark's voice resonated through his vocal cords, made even the most loyal follower of his sexiness (tm) go into a diabetic coma. But I digress.
With chores done and permission granted, he sped up the stairs, tripping over a loose shoelace on his way up as he was prone to do, and cleaned himself up. Hey, being around cows for hours on end tended to leave you with a permanent case of shitty body funk. Anyway, once he was squeaky clean, he zipped on over to Lex's Mansion of Naughty Pleasures. Well, okay, not really, but you know you wish they'd show it on an episode.
Slipping through the permanent bend in the south perimeter bars of the Luthor mansion aka Castle de Love Shack, he zipped his way up the staircase to Lex's office. Ya know, I don't know why they call it an office for. I mean, what office do you know of has stained glass windows, a pool table and a blind man? Hell, I'd love to have an office like this.
Lex, seeing his hot tamale boy toy, got up from his seat and walked the short distance around his desk. Clark smiled brightly, blinding a few of the servants walking past the 'office' doorway and made his way over to his man. Without saying a word, the two of them headed out of the 'office' and towards Lex's bedroom. Since these two boys had been rocking the Casbah frequently, that one dude named after that hot Latin singer, Julio, er Enrique, had spray painted 'if you see the door a banging, don't come a knocking'. Yes, it didn't rhyme and was dumb, but this was Enrique afterall.
As they made their way into the bedroom, they began to kiss as if they were reenacting that day at the bridge. Except they weren't wet, well, they were but only in a more southern direction. As they continued to kiss and fondle each other like old ladies at a supermarket checking to see if the tomatoes were ripe, there was a sudden noise to their left!
As Lex went in for another kiss, he banged his teeth on Clark's mighty jaw. Hey, Clark's the one with the super hearing here, k? Anyhoo, while Lex was checking for missing teeth, Clark pulled away and tip toed over to where the sound had come from. To his surprise, it was daddy Luthor. Ya'll know I just had to add him somewhere, right?
Not knowing he had been caught, Lionel was straining with all his might to hear the naughty noises coming from the two youngsters. Rolling his eyes to himself, Clark went back over to his sugar daddy and leaned forward to whisper what he had found. Lex's eyes went wide and he scowled. Marching over to the closet, he flung the door open and growled. "Dad!"
Lionel jumped so hard at being found out that he fell to the floor twitching in shock. No, he didn't die, hell I like Lionel. Bending down to check to see if his voyeuristic father was still alive, Lex stood up, turned on his heel and grabbed Clark's hand, dragging him out of the bedroom. As they walked down the hall, Lex spotted Enrique and told him to check on his father every few minutes until the old fart got up.
Dragging Clark throughout the mansion, Lex finally stopped when he made it to the garage and grabbed a set of keys from off of the key holder thingie. When he glanced down to see what car they'd be taking today, he sighed heavily to himself as he realized he'd grabbed the keys to his mother's old Yugo. Shrugging his shoulders, he led his play thing to the guh, Yugo, and they got in, Clark giggling the whole time.
They drove for three hours before they made it off the Luthor property, hey, Yugo's get like two miles per gallon. Anyway, they drove through the country side, stopping every five minutes for more gas until they came upon a big ass field of corn. Parking the 'car' on the side of the road, they got out and walked into the corn fields.
They picked up from where they left off, smooching and groping. Lex had his eyes closed the entire time, least he be blinded by Clark's pearly whites and didn't notice a third entity encroach on their good time. Giggling at the wet feel of Clark's tongue over his head, he paused. Clark only had one tongue and it was currently reenacting the Rock's performance on WWE Smackdown with his own tongue. Opening his eyes, he squealed in disgust and surprise when a bland face came into view. No, it wasn't Lana. It was Bessy, the Kent's cow. How she made it all the way out there no one knows, unless she carried a GPS with her.
Frantically wiping cow cooties from off his head, Lex grabbed Clark's hand once again and walked them back to the 'car'. Once in, Lex hightailed it for Clark's loft. He'd rather be found out by Jonathan and his smoking gun, heh, then watched by his pervy father or licked by a walking hamburger.
Once they made it to the Kent homestead, Lex parked the 'car' out in front of the barn. The Kents would never suspect Lex of driving such a disgrace to the car industry. Anyway, they got out and walked quickly into the barn. Marching up the steps to the loft, Lex grabbed hold of Clark's shirt front and proceeded to get down and dirty.
For the next hour, there was much squeaking, squealing, panting and moaning coming from the Fortress of Smutitude (tm). Worn out and smiling as wide as his poor abused lips would allow him. Lex may be thin, but a certain part of his anatomy would put Clark's telescope to shame. Clark sighed happily and snuggled up to his hunk of hairless love.
Suddenly!
Yes, there's more to this thing, unfortunately.
Jonathan Kent had needed to borrow *something* from Clark and he knew it was out in the barn. Treading up the steps one at a time, he noticed a faint smell swirling down towards him. Now, I don't know how much him and Martha knock boots, but he recognized the smell from his favorite friends, the cows. Eew. So, wrinkling his nose at the smell of sex and cheesewhiz, he continued up the stairs.
Wakening up after blacking out, Clark heard footsteps on the stairs and freaked. He recognized the smell of his dad anywhere. No, that's not why you perverts. Freaking at his father catching Lex and himself in a compromising position, in other words Clark's face smooshed on the hay covered floor with Lex sprawled out over him, *and* they were both on their knees. =D Clark superspeeded throughout the loft, looking for their clothes and dressing each other so fast that Lex was yelping the whole time as his dangly bits got friction burn.
When Jonathan finally made it up to the loft, both were seated on the couch with innocent looks on their faces. Course, Lex's look was more of a leer and smirk then true innocence, but he did try! Jonathan eyed the two of them and shrugged his shoulders. He didn't have any proof so he let it go. Letting Clark know that dinner was going to be a while, hey, I guess Jon and Martha did knock boots occasionally, he trudged back down the steps. But, not before a silky pair of boxers fell from the rafters and landed on his head.
Clark's eyes widened and Lex's mouth was twitching as Jonathan tore the drawers from off his head. Before either boy could explain how the aforementioned drawers ended up in the rafters, Jonathan chuckled and kept walking down the steps, muttering as he went, "I wondered where they had gotten to."
Clark's eyes got bigger as Lex burst out laughing. Seemed Lex and Clark weren't the only ones who liked to bone in the barn loft. Eew.
The End
Back to Christine's Smallville Fiction