February 1996

The pain is gone. I knew it would go away. Mark has been depressed for weeks now. Papa is on his mind all the time. I know Mark is ill, but there's something else too. Depression? I've never seen him not feel good. Maybe me getting back to work will cheer him up. I know he's been worried about me. I refused the mylogram cat scan on my back and opted for massage treatments instead. Oh, the massage gal is my hero! I feel so great when I get out of her shop! Way better than letting the orthopedics stick a needle in my spinal column! That would have been too weird! Stephanie's stepdad needs someone at his auto body shop. I'm going down to talk to him in the morning.

Bill, Stephanie's stepdad seems like a really nice guy. He has his doubts about a "girl" being able to work like an average Joe body and fender man. Ha! Mark told him to give me a try and if he liked my work, pay me. If he doesn't like my work he can go find the average Joe type body man. He liked my work and is going to pay what I asked. I love auto body work. It's hard and I'm tired at the end of the day. I get a decent wage (for Nebraska) and Bill buys the beer! It's been 20 years since I worked in my stepdad's shop. A lot of stuff has changed. Tools are more advanced, paint is more advanced, and cars are more plastic so damage is more extensive now.

March 1996

I thought Bill was sick and asked him about it today. He says he has something wrong with his lungs. I got him to quit worrying about my ability to paint so I can throw him out of the shop when I'm shooting now. Maybe that will help him. I love my job!

Wendy called at 3:00 am. I knew when the phone rang that someone had died. Death always comes in threes. Nana Blanche died at 2:30 am. She had been sick for a long time. You couldn't touch her skin without it breaking. When I went to see her last summer she was so sick. Her hands and forearms were black and blue with lesions all over them. Nothing ever seemed to heal, and she told me she knew she would be dead soon. Wendy knew it was coming soon. She had stopped taking Nana to play at the casinos months ago. Nana never went anywhere without her hair and nails done. Nana didn't feel like going out to get her hair and nails done anymore so Nana just didn't go out. When Nana stopped going out, Wendy knew death would come fast. I loved Nana Blanche so much.

Wendy says, don't come to the funeral. Guy is getting married in May and I can go down for the wedding. No sense coming for something so unpleasant. I just got back to work and I don't have the extra money to make both trips. Wendy says she will pay for it if I insist on coming. She is right, I don't need to be there. My brothers, mother, father, and his wife, uncles, cousins, and Wendy were at the funeral. Everyone made the trip to Vegas, except me. I really feel like a low life.

April 1996

Bill makes no sense at all sometimes. He wants to sell me the shop. He'll finance everything. He has to be worse than I thought. Mark says it's the paint and the lousy ventilation. Mark has been nagging me about the fumes alot lately. I'm starting to think he wants me to quit because I love it and he thinks I spend too much time there. I can't just quit in the middle of a job! Jeez, you don't put two coats of paint on and then walk away until the next day. I think he's jealous of my job. Oh God, please don't let this be happening. I don't think I could stand another screwed up relationship. I have to be able to make my own decisions. I know what I'm doing.

May 1996

The trip to Las Vegas was a blast! Just Marilyn and me cruising through the Rockies. I only got about 150 miles from home before I had to pull over and take a nap. It was dark when I pulled into the rest area in Sterling. It was light out when I woke up and found that I had left the headlights on! Yes, I had a dead battery.

We got to Las Vegas the next day. We went to see the gravesite and then went to Nana's house to start the packing and moving. Wendy tells me that Nana had left her salt and pepper shaker collection to me. Marilyn went wild over the costume jewelry collection. Marilyn stayed behind in Las Vegas for the summer. Wendy said she would be a big help at the yard sale. Marilyn had to work her butt off in school to finish the years work before we left, but she did it and she did it good. I think Marilyn liked meeting my dad.

November 1996

I have three different respirators at work now and I can't seem to get a good fit. Bill has been told he has emphysema and only 20% lung capacity. He will finance everything if I'll take over the shop. Mark says he'll spend the money to move the shop to our place and put in state of the art precipitators for me (and the EPA). I came home from work the night before last and had to pull off the road about 10 miles out of town to vomit. I have a kid from the college working with me now. I'm trying to teach him to paint. I don't know what they are teaching these kids out at the college. I asked the kid this afternoon to get the Porta-Power and he said, "What's a Porta-Power?" He's a great kid though and we get along good. Bill thinks he's a waste of money, but I asked him to give it another week.

December 1996

Eric can paint! The kid is really good. As long as he has a straight surface, he's okay. I have to teach him to be a little bit more scared of the gun. He lays a lot of curtains still. Eric can use a half-gallon of paint on one fender! He's going to get a raise as soon as he starts to pay attention. The sooner the better! I'd like to start getting home before dark. I am so tired all the time now. It seems like everything I touch tears my skin off my hands. What a klutz! I don't even remember touching anything and the skin is torn. Only notice at night, when it's time to wash up how bad the lacquer thinner stings. I must have gotten into something I have little blisters all over my fingers. I know I'm having an allergic reaction to something. Bill says it's new laundry detergent. I don't mention it to Mark because I know he's still looking for a reason for me to have to quit my job (at least I think he's looking for a reason).