ChrisAustin.com - Star Column

ARTICLE #4

The Advice /

Chris Says-What-He-Wants-to Column

12:39 am

Dear faithful readers, I write you today with a saddened heart. For it is 12:39am, and this article is due soon; I unfortunately did not realize the time had come again so soon for me to write, and thus I find myself quite unprepared. Please be kind and show me some of that good old Christian patience, or love, or any of the virtues for that matter.

Right off the bat I wish to inform you that this article will have absolutely no direction whatsoever. I have received a question but it will need some research, research I am not going to do this late at night. Maybe on a healthy night, but this night is fraught with sickness of cold and sore throat, as well as soreness from basketball and water polo. Some of you may wonder, wow, how does Chris Austin accomplish so much in one night when burdened with such illness? It’s all in the attitude, baby.

Perhaps I should share my thoughts on attitude. Attitude is an important part of everyone’s life. Even yours, because I know you are thinking, “Well, not me, attitude doesn’t really affect me, I mean come on, I’m (insert your name here), a respectable person unaffected by attitude.” I know that you do this. Whenever I see ads for anger management or hear a sermon on why I should love people, I always think, “Man, that’s not for me. I am the most loving and not angry person ever.” In fact, one time, I was getting chastised by my parents and the thought “They can’t say this to me, I’m Chris Austin,” popped into my head. That did not stop the chastisement.

So listen up buddy, because this talk is for you. I once opened a fortune cookie that said to me “You are never bitter, petty, or deceitful,” and I thought to myself, yes, that is exactly right! And now I pass on the fortune cookie’s joy to you, straight from Pioneer’s own heart to your’s. You can be that bitterless, unpetty, decietless person and have a winning attitude. I hope that this column is stirring enough to make you go help the next person you see, or maybe it will convince you to start working out, or maybe you like to bake and you are thinking, sheesh, I really haven’t baked in some time, why not use my new winning attitude to make some winning muffins? Just today I washed all my clothes, rearranged my closet, and tore the doors off the closet because they were just so annoying and they always fell off and bent at weird places that closet doors are not supposed to bend at. It felt good, and you can feel that goodness too. Granted I can now always see everything in my closet but at least I don’t have big wooden planks they call doors sliding into my head and causing injury like they used to. In fact, I almost have a desire to liberate my roommate of his closet doors so he can be free too.

That’s all the space we have today for our little chat, so I am forced to let you go back to whatever it is you were doing before. I know, I feel a little guilty about tricking people into thinking this was another high quality article like the Valentine’s Day one, but there just aren’t enough holidays to make fun of. So, tough luck for you, but don’t forget to have a winning attitude, even after I say tough luck to you. No key words this week – I’m too lazy. I guess lazy could be one though, if you really want one.