ChrisAustin.com - Star Column

ARTICLE #3

The Advice /

Chris Says-What-He-Wants-to Column

Hear it from Dr. Love

It is that time again, the time for the writings of columnists just trying to make it in this world. Hard times, busy times, you all know how it is. The break is over and though I am writing this only a week into the semester, it feels like it could have been a month. To my surprise, the column has generated yet another letter of inquiry, bringing the grand total to two letters. Unfortunately, because I did get a question in the mail, I cannot spend a long time bashing the “Christmas music” that was blared from Fancher during December. You undoubtedly remember the jarring discord that was Silent Night, just one of the many awful attempts of turning good Christmas music into bell tower musicals. It appears we may now move on to yet another holiday, that of the oh-so-fun Valentine’s Day.

Dear Chris,

Should Valentine’s Day be for guys too? If so, what should girls give them as a gift?

- Confused Cupid

Well, Cupid, this is indeed a tough question. I am admittedly not an expert in this field. Therefore, you will have to bear with me. Furthermore, I have taken the liberty of assuming that you do in fact like the guy you are buying gifts for. So if this is not the case, well, pretend it is.

It appears that Valentine’s day is more of a woman’s holiday, to be sure. But secretly deep down I think many a young lad would wish that a girl would show them some appreciation through a small token. I mean hey, it is flattering to be liked. However, there are rules that need to be put in place for such an undertaking. For example:

1) Tokens should be small. Nothing bigger then a baseball I would say.

2) Gifts that would be for a girl are out of the question. No flowers. No chocolates. No nail polish. Non-feminine is crucial.

3) Do not buy something that would suggest you are desperate. As in something expensive, or a card that says “I love you and see myself dying of old age in a rocking chair beside you.” Hopefully there are no cards out there that say that, because they would make no money.

This is not an exhaustive list by any means, mind you. They are just a few simple tips from a guy who knows absolutely nothing about this subject. With that being said, if you want to have any chance with this boy, you will probably take my article and burn it, leaving the ashes in the middle of the quad for all to see as an example of a literary injustice to a given subject. My apologies go out to the poor soul whose article is on the backside of mine.

The most obvious message of today’s column is to take it easy. Maybe a nice valentine’s day card, or a brownie with a bow on it, make it simple. Because I don’t want a follow up letter saying, “Dear Chris. Why did you ruin my chances at finding a spouse here at Houghton? – Enraged Cupid.” This would not look good for the popular image I am trying to upkeep.

At any rate, please forgive me if this article was not as serious as you may have anticipated. I guess it’s just not my style. But, do remember this issue’s key words: simple, non-feminine, CPO 17 (notice how my cpo box is there again – that’s because everyone must keep forgetting it and mailing their questions to the wrong address).