Original Airdate: 1-OCT-1993
Written by Jeffrey C. Sherman. Directed by David Trainer
Courtesy of Zoe�s Boy Meets World Website. Transcribed by Zoe
Opening Credits
Scene 1
The school cafeteria
[Cory, Shawn, and Ellis are sitting at a table]
Cory
Say you could pick any superhero to be your dad. Who would you choose?
Ellis
Batman, no question. Live in a cool cave, borrow the Batmobile.
Shawn
He lets Robin hang out with him and play with all his stuff. And Robin's not even his real kid. He's his ward.
Ellis
How do you get to be a ward?
Cory
Batman? Is he faster than a speeding bullet? I don't think so. Is he more powerful than a locomotive? {shaking his finger] Uh-uh. I'd want Superman.
Shawn
Sees through walls. You'd never get away with anything.
Ellis
Because I'd make somebody a very cool ward.
Cory
I'd like to have Superman for a dad.
Shawn
[looking towards the other side of the room] Hey, there's Minkus. [reaches under the table; pulls out a squirt gun; shoots Minkus in the head]
Minkus
Ow. [ignoring Shawn]
Cory
[looking at Shawn's squirt gun] Whoa! The 2000-X Hydro-Saturator!
Shawn
Careful. If Feeny sees this baby on school grounds, he'll shag it, and I'll have to sit out the water wars. [puts the squirt gun back under the table]
Ellis
[reaches under the table; pulls out a squirt gun] Gentlemen, meet the Hydro-Sat 3000-Z. Blow your head clean off.
Cory
The 3000? That's not even supposed to come out till Christmas.
Ellis
I know a guy. [shoots Minkus in the head]
Minkus
You really shouldn't do that. [puts his book down; stands up]
Shawn
What, are you gonna melt?
Minkus
No. [lifts a huge case onto his table; opens it; takes out a squirt gun; turns to face Cory, Shawn, and Ellis] I'm going to retaliate. [Ellis holds up his squirt gun, ready to shoot; Minkus holds up his squirt gun threateningly and says very seriously:] Go ahead...make me wet. [Ellis puts down his squirt gun; Minkus says in the same voice:] Wise choice.
Cory
Ah, who needs one of those? [stands up; walks towards the water fountain holding a water balloon] For your information, a well-placed water balloon can give you just as much splash for your cash. [begins to fill up the water balloon; says to himself:] Like everyone's gonna have a humongous water gun. [turns around to see everyone pointing squirt guns at him; smiles nervously] How are ya? [everyone starts shooting] Aah! Aah! Stop! I'll get one! I promise! Oh, my G-- I'll get one! Stop! I promise!
[Mr. Feeny enters; everyone stops shooting and puts their squirt guns away]
Mr. Feeny
[sees Cory soaking wet; puts down his tray; walks over to the water fountain] Mr. Matthews...the drinking fountain is not a toy. [takes a sip of water; flicks his mustache; walks off]
[camera pans to show Cory, soaking wet, smiling nervously]
Scene 2
The Matthews' kitchen after school
[Amy is chopping vegetables; Morgan is sitting at the table coloring]
Alan
[enters] Hi, hon. What's horrible?
Amy
Hmm. The plumbing in the boys' bathroom is leaking again.
Alan
[kisses Amy] I'm on it. [tickles Morgan]
Amy
You are an amazing guy.
Cory
[steps downstairs] Hey, Dad, how about some quality time with your son?
Alan
I can't. I'm spending some quality time with your toilet. [goes upstairs]
Cory
But you just got home from work. [walks towards Amy] Hi, Mom. Wow, dinner smells terrific, and that thing you're wearing is really lovely. What is that, a dress?
Amy
[Eric enters] Oh, Cory, what a lovely and sincere compliment, and I know that you wouldn't spoil it by asking me for something.
Eric
Eerie how she always knows, huh?
Cory
What, do all women have antennas hidden somewhere on their bodies?
Eric
I don't know. None of them will let me look. [goes upstairs]
Cory
Look. OK, look, say you're in the kitchen, and the living room burst into flames.
Morgan
Why?
Cory
I don't know. Maybe lightning hit it.
Morgan
Why?
Cory
[smiling] Because it was attracted by the metal plate in your head. [turns back around to face Amy] And you can't escape 'cause your legs are broken. What will you do?
Morgan
Why are her legs broken?
Cory
[smiling] Because she tripped over your dead body. [Morgan looks surprised]
Amy
[walks over to Cory] Cory, spit it out. What do you want?
Cory
Just a water gun. You know...so you can put out that fire in the living room.
Amy
Fine. I'll buy you a water gun.
Cory
[hands Amy a brochure] Cool. Here's the brochure. Color chart's on the back.
Amy
[opening the brochure] How much to these things cost?
Cory
How can you put a price on the safety of your family?
Amy
$50?
Cory
$49.95...[under his breath] plus tax, but--
Amy
[handing Cory the brochure] I'll take my chances with the lightning.
Cory
Come on, Mom. You and Dad blow that much money on food every week.
Alan
[steps downstairs] Your bathroom sink doesn't leak now.
Cory
Wow, Dad. You fixed it all by yourself?
Alan
Yeah, and your toilet doesn't do that geyser thing anymore, either.
Cory
You never cease to amaze me. How much do you figure you saved on a plumber?
Alan
[grabs Cory] What's he want this time?
Amy
A $50 squirt gun.
Alan
A $50 squirt gun? No, really, what's he want? [releases Cory]
Cory
Dad, we're not talking an ordinary squirt gun. [hands Alan the brochure] We're talking the Hydro-Sat 3000-Z. It's the big boy on the block.
Alan
That's nice, Cor. [closes the brochure; hands it back to Cory] Pretty steep, though. Maybe for Christmas.
Cory
[sarcastically] Hey, great, a water gun in December. I'll be the little boy spreading pneumonia. [goes upstairs]
Scene 3
Cory and Eric's bedroom
[Cory enters the room; Eric is lying on his bed looking at his watch]
Cory
If they can't afford to buy toys for three children, why did they have three children?
Eric
Leave me alone. I'm trying to put Heather in my watch.
Cory
[kneels next to Eric's bed] What?
Eric
I can't get it out of video baseball mode. [watch beeps baseball charge; Eric looks up, annoyed]
Cory
Hey, how'd you get Mom and Dad to buy that for you?
Eric
I bought it for me. I cashed my first week's paycheck, went down to the mall. Welcome to the wonderful world of stuff.
Cory
Mom and Dad just let you buy that?
Eric
Yeah, they said it's my money. I can buy anything I want...[looks up, confused] except that "Buns of Steel" video. [looks back down]
Cory
[stands up] Eric, I'm thinking. Now that you're raking in the big bucks, maybe you'd like to consider this exciting investment opportunity. [holds the brochure in front of Eric]
Eric
[looks up] Call my broker--Shearson, leave me alone.
Cory
[walking towards his desk] Big man--doesn't even know what time it is. [sits down]
Eric
I do so. It is 12:00. 12:00, 12:00. [watch beeps baseball charge; Eric looks up, annoyed; shrugs]
Scene 4
The Matthews' kitchen
[Amy and Alan are standing by the sink; Amy is holding the sink's hose attatchment; the water is coming out very slowly]
Amy
See? I'm not getting any kind of pressure here.
Alan
You had to have a house. [walks towards the drawer to get his wrench] Remember the apartment? Remember before the children? [opens the drawer; grabs his wrench] Before we were married? Before we knew each other? [stops; smiles at Amy] Remember how happy we were? [goes under the sink; Amy kicks him and exits the room] Ooh! Ow! You remember when you knew when I was kidding?
Cory
[enters] Dad, you busy?
Alan
[from under the sink] No. I'm just relaxing with my wrench.
Cory
I want a job at the market.
Alan
You're too young for a job at the market.
Cory
You let Eric be a box boy. [walks closer to Alan]
Alan
Son, you're young. Enjoy it. It doesn't last long.
Cory
Well, I could work after school.
Alan
Cory, I don't have any openings.
Cory
Well, you're the manager. Fire somebody. Fire Eric!
Alan
[sticks his head out from under the sink] Why don't I fire myself and make you manager?
Cory
Cool. What's it pay?
Alan
Not enough to keep me out from under the sink...[goes back under the sink] or the car, or the mortgage payments.
Cory
Dad, nobody likes a whiner. Now, I need a job.
Alan
You need to be a kid.
Cory
I don't want to be a kid.
Alan
That's too bad, because once it's gone, you can never get it back.
Cory
I want to be able to afford stuff! [walks off angrily]
Alan
So do I!
Scene 5
In Mr. Feeny's/The Matthews' backyard
[Mr. Feeny is working in his garden]
Cory
[runs up and surprises Mr. Feeny] Hey, Mr. Feeny! Whatcha doin'?
Mr. Feeny
[sighs, annoyed] Immersing myself in the tranquility of my rose garden...in the vain attempt to offset my evening ahead--drudging through two dozen sixth-grade essays on Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven."
Cory
I think you'll like my paper.
Mr. Feeny
Oh?
Cory
What a major freakoid that Ed Poe must have been, huh?
Mr. Feeny
You have no idea how major a freakoid.
Cory
So, are you cutting your flowers?
Mr. Feeny
I am pruning my prized eglanteria floribundas--a fragile hybrid that I have meticulously cultivated over the past few seasons.
Cory
Well, for a small fee, I can hack off the rest of that dead stuff.
Mr. Feeny
[pointing to Cory] You stay away from my roses!
Cory
Uh, you know, Mr. Feeny, I was thinking. Autumn's here, and winter's just around the corner.
Mr. Feeny
That's typically the pattern.
Cory
And if you give me fifty bucks now, I'll shovel your snow all winter.
Mr. Feeny
Payment in advance? For a task linked to factors as unpredictable as the weather? Hardly seems fair.
Cory
Come on, Mr. Feeny, have some pity. I've been out of work for eleven years.
Mr. Feeny
Well, I do have some shutters that are in dire need of paint.
Cory
Cool. What's it pay?
Mr. Feeny
Well, I could go as high as, oh, five.
Cory
Dollars? Get a pulse! Five bucks to paint all those?
Mr. Feeny
$5 apiece, Mr. Matthews. That's five times two shutters times eight windows.
Cory
Five times two...times eight. What's that, like, 58 bucks?
Mr. Feeny
[smiles] $58 it is. [shakes Cory's hand] You are worth every inch of that C-plus I gave you in math.
Cory
Thanks, Mr. Feeny. You won't regret it. [goes inside]
Mr. Feeny
[to himself] Oh, I expect I shall.
Scene 6
In Mr. Feeny's/The Matthews' backyard the next morning
[Cory is spray painting the shutters, which are leaned against the fence; Cory blows on the spray paint can, very cool-like]
Scene 7
In Mr. Feeny's/The Matthews' backyard after Cory has painted the fence
Mr. Feeny
[inspecting the shutters] Well, Mr. Matthews, I must confess, I'm pleasantly surprised. Your first foray into the work force is a rousing success. You completed your task ahead of schedule, and with a modicum of skill. [starts sorting through his money]
Cory
Cool. Does that mean you're giving me a bonus?
Mr. Feeny
[imitating Cory, but less enthusiastic] Get a pulse. [hands Cory the money; Alan enters] Good morning, Alan.
Alan
George. Kid did okay, huh?
Mr. Feeny
Oh, yes. He acquitted himself like a young Earl Scheib.
Cory
[proudly] Three coats, like you said...and they don't even stick or anything. See, Dad, this work stuff is a piece of cake. Nothing to it. I may just start up my own business. [picks up a shutter and hands it to Mr. Feeny, to reveal the fence, which is striped from the paint; only Alan sees the fence so far]
Alan
Yeah? Well, don't start printing up those business cards just yet. [Cory looks at the fence]
Mr. Feeny
[opening and closing the shutter] Doesn't even stick. Remarkable. [walks off]
[Alan pulls back two more shutters to reveal more of the fence]
Cory
Well, got to go. Water war's starting, starting real soon. Gotta go. See ya. [begins to walk away; Alan grabs the back of his shirt; pulls him back] I'm gonna be late, aren't I? [Alan nods]
Scene 8
In Mr. Feeny's/The Matthews' backyard that afternoon
[Amy and Cory are looking at the fence; Alan is standind behind them]
Cory
You know how you've been talking about maybe redoing the backyard?
Amy
Yeah, but now that I look at it, I don't think I want to go with this zebra motif.
Cory
Well, nobody told me the paint was gonna go through the shutters.
Amy
Cory, when you open the shutters in your bedroom, does the sunlight go through?
Cory
Well, you got me. I'm an idiot.
Alan
No, you're not an idiot. You're a kid.
Cory
I'm a kidiot.
Scene 9
In Mr. Feeny's/The Matthews' backyard the next day
[Cory is painting the fence white; Shawn and Ellis enter]
Shawn
Water war time, Cory.
Minkus
[runs in, wearing a yellow rainsuit] Waaaaaaaar!
Shawn
[happily] War brings out the beast in Minkus.
Cory
You kids and your water wars. I'd love to join you, but I'm having way too much fun here.
Shawn
You're bailing on the water war?
Ellis
To paint a fence?
Cory
You say paint a fence, I say par-ty. And by the way, even if you wanted to, I wouldn't cut you in on this action.
Shawn
Why not? I thought we were friends.
Ellis
Yeah, how come you're cutting us out?
Minkus
People, people, am I the only one who read the summer reading list? [pauses when nobody answers] Tom Sawyer? [pauses again] He's sucking you in to do the work for him.
Cory
Guys, who are you gonna listen to, me or the banana?
Shawn
Well, let's see. The banana says play. You say work. We're gonna hang with the big yellow guy.
Cory
[pulls money out of his pocket] OK, look, I got seven bucks left after buying my Hydro-Sat, and it's yours if you help me paint the fence.
Minkus
[to Shawn and Ellis] I say we hold out for lunch, [points his squirt gun at Cory] and that's Mr. Banana to you, bud.
[scene fades out on Cory handing the money to Shawn]
Scene 9
In the Matthews' kitchen
[Eric is standing in front of the counter, wearing an apron; Morgan is sitting on the counter, tying his apron]
Morgan
One bunny ear...goes around the other bunny ear.
Eric
[annoyed] Will you just tie the bow? [looks at his watch, worried] I'm late for the market. Dad's going to kill me!
Morgan
I don't know how to tie a bow.
Eric
[turns around, annoyed] So, why did you tell me you did?
Morgan
[happily] 'Cause I'm self-confident.
Cory
[enters; sighs] Now they want dessert!
Eric
How's work going, man?
Cory
[opening the refridgerator; pulls out ice cream bars] Work. I love work. Paint the shutters, paint the fence.
Eric
You want paper, or you want plasic?
Cory
Don't drip the paint on the roses.
Eric
Don't put the cans on the produce. I'm with you, man. I hate being an adult.
Morgan
[as Cory is walking out the door] Can I have an ice cream?
Cory
Another mouth to feed. [shoves the ice cream bar in Morgan's mouth; goes back outside]
Scene 10
In Mr. Feeny's/The Matthews' backyard
[Cory enters the backyard holding the ice cream bars; Shawn, Ellis, and Minkus stop working and walk towards Cory]
Shawn
What flavor did you bring us?
Cory
[handing them the ice cream bars] Vanilla. They're vanilla with chocolate on the outside, just like they've been for 1,000 years!
Minkus
I really prefer a Heath Bar Crunch.
Cory
[sarcastically] Ya do?! [takes the ice cream bar; dips it in the dirt; hands it back to Minkus] Here you are, Minkus. Crunch on this.
Minkus
Is it just me, or is he copping an attitude?
Shawn
I'm beginning to feel unwelcome here.
Ellis
Water war?
Shawn
Water war. [Shawn, Ellis, and Minkus start walking away]
Cory
Hey, come on, come on! I paid you! I brought you sandwiches! I brought you ice cream!
Shawn
Yeah, so?
Cory
So I'm gonna sue you!
Shawn
[walks back] Fine. Have your lawyer call my mom. [walks away]
Cory
[walks back to the fence; says to himself:] Fine. You want something done, you do it yourself. [starts painting again] I don't need them. I don't need anybody. Stupid water war. Water wars are for kids.
Mr. Feeny
[enters] Mr. Matthews--
Cory
[stops painting; stands up; points at Mr. Feeny] I sold you my childhood for 58 bucks!
Mr. Feeny
[pointing to his side of the fence] A paint drip, Mr. Matthews...an acrylic dribble has appeared on my side of the fence.
Cory
I like it.
Mr. Feeny
I don't. I want it removed.
Cory
[sarcastically] Ya do!
Mr. Feeny
Yes. Either that, or perhaps you'd care to paint the rest of my side to match the offending spot. [Cory falls backwards onto the ground] Oh, come now, Mr. Matthews. I've hardly asked you to descend into the stygian coal shafts of West Virginia with a pickax and a flashlight.
Cory
What's something like that pay?
Alan
[enters] What did you do to my kid, George?
Cory
Overwork, stress-related injury.
Mr. Feeny
You know, Alan, when I was a boy, my father had a strong puritanical belief in the work ethic. He used to work me from sunup to sundown...[begins walking towards his door] and look how I turned out. [exits]
Alan
[looks at Cory] I don't want you working any more. [helps Cory up]
Cory
Shutter marks still showed after one coat. Had to borrow from Mom to buy paint for second coat. I worked two days, painted sixteen shutters and a fence. Know how much money I made? I owe eight bucks.
Alan
Welcome to adulthood. [shakes Cory's hand] At least you came out of it with this water gun you wanted. [picks up the squirt gun]
Cory
Yeah. You like it?
Alan
So, this is the big boy on the block, huh? Very slick.
Cory
Too bad I can't go to the water war to use it.
Alan
You can if you run.
Cory
Isn't it my responsibility to finish painting the fence?
Alan
I think your first responsibility is to stay eleven years old as long as you can. [sprays water from the squirt gun] Hoo hoo, cool. [throws Cory the squirt gun] Go on. [Cory exits]
Scene 11
In Cory and Eric's bedroom that afternoon after the water war and Eric's shift at the supermarket
[Cory enters the room holding his squirt gun, soaking wet; Eric is lying on his bed, exhausted]
Cory
Ahh! Whew! The water war to end all water wars! [wrings out his shirt on Eric's face] Both sides are claiming victory.
Eric
I'd kill you, but I can't move. [Cory goes and sits by the window] Bagging groceries...chasing carts...price checks...[sits up, very alert] spill on aisle seven! Oh, it's a nightmare. I don't know how he does it. [rolls over to lay on his stomach] I only worked half a shift today. I don't know how he does it.
Cory
Who?
Eric
Dad. Twelve-hour days...never sits...eats his lunch standing up...[camera pans to show Cory looking out the window] never takes a break. [camera shows Alan painting the fence] It's like he's not human. It's like he's--
Cory
[looking out the window at Alan] It's like he's superman.
Eric
Huh?
Cory
Superman's my dad.
[scene fades out on Alan painting the fence]
Scene 12
In the Matthews' kitchen that night at dinnertime
[the Matthews' family is sitting at the table eating dinner]
Cory
I know you finished painting the fence for me today, Dad.
Alan
That's alright, Cory.
Cory
No. It's not alright. You work all day, then you come home and work some more, and then you do my work. You're hogging all the work. And I'm calling you out.
Alan
Huh?
Cory
[stands up, holding a smaller squirt gun] I'm calling you out.
Alan
Cory--
Cory
Draw.
Alan
What are you talking about?
[Cory starts squirting everybody; family starts shouting]
Amy
[stands up] What do you think you're doing?
Cory
I think I'm being a kid, Ma! I think I'm living up to my responsibility of being eleven years old. [stars shooting Alan]
Alan
Hey, hey! No, listen, I'm serious! I've had a very rough day. We do not shoot water pistols at the dinner table.
Cory
[in sing-song voice] You would if you had one.
Alan
What?
Cory
Go ahead. Maybe there's a little surprise taped underneath the table for you.
Alan
[reaches under the table; pulls out a squirt gun] Hey, where'd you get this?
Cory
[walks towards Alan] I traded my 3000 for two 1500s.
Alan
Cool.
Cory
Dad, I know you said you had a rough day, and that you only get to be a kid once, but I thought it'd be OK if you came back to visit.
Amy
Visiting hours are outside in the yard. [Cory and Alan start shooting ; everybody shouts] No shooting water guns in the house!
Cory
Maybe you wouldn't feel that way if you checked under your side of the table.
Amy
[sits down; looks underneath the table] There's nothing there.
Cory
What do you think, I'm made of money?
[Cory and Alan start shooting; everybody is shouting and running around the kitchen; Amy picks up Morgan]
Eric
Don't hit my hair!
Morgan
Hit is hair!
[Amy puts Morgan on the counter]
Cory
Yaah! Yaah!
Eric
I don't even have a gun!
Cory
Trade the stupid watch! [Cory runs outside; Amy grabs the sink's hose attatchment and starts squirting everybody; Eric, Alan, and Amy run outside; Morgan is still sitting on the counter]
Morgan
[to herself] Cookies, Morgan? Sure, I'd love some. [reaches into the cookie jar; pulls out a cookie; eats the cookie]
Tag
The Matthews' kitchen at dinnertime
[Morgan is still sitting on the counter; the rest of the family is in the backyard spraying each other with water]
Morgan
[dialing on the telephone] 9-1-1. [into the telephone] Hello? Yes. I'm stuck here, and I can't get down. My parents are outside fighting. Listen. [Morgan holds up the phone so the person on the other end can hear what's going on in the backyard; Mr. Feeny comes outside]
Mr. Feeny
You're drowning my floribundas!
Morgan
[into the telephone] They just shot the neighbor! Hold on. Let me ask. [yells] Mommy! What's our address?
-End-