Original Airdate: 6-MAR-1998
Written by Gary H. Miller. Directed by Alan Myerson
Courtesy of Dennis�s Boy Meets World Transcript Source. Transcribed by Dennis
Opening Credits
[SCENE � John Adam�s High. Cory and Shawn have just exited Feeny�s class into the hallway.]
Shawn: Well, there�s 42 minutes of my life I�ll never have back. Just when I think Feeny�s class can�t get any more boring: Feudalism. I�m beyond bored, I�m angry. (Shoves kid into locker)
Kid: Feudalism?
Shawn: (Nods) Uh-huh. (Kid pats Shawn�s arm & walks away)
Cory: (To Topanga, who is walking by talking to Kimberly, very delayed) Have a nice weekend� Topanga.
Topanga: You too, Cory. (Walks away)
Cory: Shawn, did you hear how she said �you too, Cory�? I mean, there was coldness there.
Shawn: There was not.
Cory: Nonsense! I could practically see her breath! Shawn, why isn�t she suffering as much as I am?
Shawn: Cory, she�s suffering. She just doing it with something that you know nothing about.
Cory: Feudalism? (In the background, a kid shoves another kid into a locker)
Shawn: No, dignity. Topanga�s handling this breakup with dignity, while you (Phony British accent) Norton, are a train wreck.
Cory: I�m dignified.
Shawn: You burst into tears every 3� 2� 1�
Cory: (Suddenly, crying) Stop exaggerating! (Sits on couch) Jeez�
Shawn: (Waving a handkerchief in his face) Cory, who carries these things around?! What did you do, dig up your grandfather and pick his pocket?!
Cory: (Near tears) Grandpa Poppy� He always had seeds in his teeth. And that�s why we called him Poppy.
Shawn: Ugh. (Sits) You�re depressing. You�re depressing to be around. That�s why you�re not invited to Kimberly Sussman�s party tonight.
Cory: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kimberly Sumsan�s having a party tonight?
Shawn: Yeah, to celebrate her new nose. Like, the whole world�s going.
Cory: Well, I�m sure if I wasn�t invited, Shawn, it�s probably due to some tremendous oversight.
Shawn: Does �Seven thirty sharp, and whatever you don don�t tell Cory,� sound like an oversight? The word�s out on you, man, nobody wants to be around Cory the Downer. Three� Two� One�
Cory: (Teary) Including you?
Shawn: I�m getting there. (Walks away)
Cory: (Stands) (To Shawn) Shawn, listen, you think I like myself like this. I don�t. I don�t blame everyone for not wanting to be around me. I don�t want to be around me, either. (Sits) I�m done with me.
[SCENE � Kimberly Sussman�s party. Kimberly, wearing a bandage on her nose, walks over to a chair in which Angela is sitting in and sits on the arm]
Kimberly: So, now that you�re going out with Shawn, does this mean I can�t dance with him tonight?
Angela: You can dance with him all you want, Kimberly. But he�ll be going home with me. (They both feign laughter)
(Enter Cory, Kimberly, alarmed, walks over to him)
Kimberly: What are you doing here?
Cory: I�m crashing. Crashing the party�
Kimberly: (Hostile) Get out.
Cory: Say that again?
Kimberly: (More hostile) Get out.
Cory: You know who you look like, don�t ya? Bridget Fonda.
Kimberly: (Flirtsy) Get out!
Cory: (Laughs) No, I�m serious. I mean, your old nose, it was fine, but now it�s� La Femme Nikita, baby.
Kimberly: (Begins wandering in) Look, as long as you�re here, why don�t you stay? I think Topanga�s coming.
Cory: Who? I�m sorry, but right now I can�t see anybody past Kimberly Sussman-Fonda.
Kimberly: (Flirtsy) Cory! (Bumps him into the door, which shuts, then walks away)
(Cory take a bite of some gum from his pocket, then wanders into the party)
[Cut to later. Cory is happily telling a story to a bunch of kids.]
Cory: So they got Hunter kidnapped and handcuffed to a pole, and I have to step in and save Shawn�s butt, because I have a way with women, as you can probably tell by the fact that I�ve never been more available in my life. Tickets go on sale at the box office. (Crowd laughs, then disperses. Shawn approaches)
Shawn: Okay, who are you and what have you done with Cory the Mope?
Cory: Shawn, it�s me. Now, if you�ll excuse me, I�ve got that groove thing, going. (Begins to dance hideously. Shawn laughs, then walks away. Topanga approaches)
Topanga: (Surprised) Cory!
Cory: (Stops dancing) Hey� The ex-other-half-of-my-heart-and-soul. How�s the family? (Resumes dancing)
Topanga: (Confused) Good� Cory, you look really, uh, not very cool.
Cory: Thanks, that�s what I�m going for. See, they told me to relax and have a good time, that�s what I�m trying to do.
Topanga: Okay, well I�m not gonna stay very long.
Cory: Stay as long as you�d like. (Dances away, still hideous)
(Topanga wanders over to Kimberly and Angela)
Angela: Mmm, he�s been like that since he got here. I gotta say, he�s the life of the party. (Topanga looks concerned)
Kimberly: So, are you and Cory officially broken up? Because I think he�s really cute.
Topanga: Cory�s free to do whatever he wants, so are you. Angela, I�ll talk to you later. (Exits past Cory, who is still foolishly dancing)
Kimberly: Sounds like a yes to me. (Approaches Cory)
Angela: (Stops Kimberly) You make one move on my best friend�s man, and that new nose is gonna look like your old nose. (Fake happiness) Kay? (Kimberly walks away unhappily, Angela begins to dance while keeping an eye on Kimberly)
[SCENE � Kimberly�s bathroom. Cory is looking at himself closely in the mirror.]
Cory: (To reflection) Hey, I didn�t know you were gonna be here. But since you�re the most exciting person here, I propose a toast. (Holds up a bottle of whiskey) To us. (Takes a swig.)
[SCENE � Kimberly�s bathroom, continued from earlier. Cory chews some gum, there is a knock at the door.]
Shawn: (From outside) Cory, open up!
Cory: (To reflection) It�s Shawn, my sidekick. (Opens door) Hello.
Shawn: Dude, you�ve been in here for like an hour and a half. (Shuts door)
Cory: Are they asking for me?
Shawn: Topanga left.
Cory: She did? That�s too bad. I was gonna dance with her.
Shawn: (Sees whiskey bottle) This that yours?
Cory: (Picks up bottle) This was given to me when I stole it from my father. You want?
Shawn: Wait a minute. Cory is the one holding the bottle, what�s wrong with this picture?
Cory: Because you said that no one wants to be around Cory the Downer, so now I�m not Cory the Downer! You wanna drink?
Shawn: I told you to have fun, not put away a pint of whiskey.
Cory: Well I am having a good time, and I want you to have a good time, too. So drink. (Offers bottle)
Shawn: Eh, I don�t need that. What�s it taste like?
Cory: It�s the foulest tasting stuff I�ve ever had. (Offers bottle) Here.
Shawn: (Takes bottle and sniffs the whiskey) (In disgust) Oh! Why would I want to do this?
Cory: �Cause your goody-goody friend Cory did it and you will not be able to live with yourself unless you do it, too.
Shawn: I�m not falling for that peer pressure crap. (Takes a swig, cringes) Oh, yikes!
Cory: (laughing) Ah-hah-hah, I know, and such a small price to pay for its magical powers. (Takes a swing, cringes) Ahh! (Passes it off to Shawn.)
Shawn: (Takes a swig) Ooh-Ah!! (Passes it back to Cory)
Cory: (Takes a swig) Voof! (Passes it to Shawn)
Shawn: (Takes a swig) Vant!! (Passes it to Cory) Ah�
Cory: Y�know, I just can�t understand why they don�t sell this stuff to kids.
[SCENE � Street sidewalk and night. Drunk, Cory and Shawn stuble down it, arms around one another.]
Cory: This will forever be remembered as the night we peed on a police car.
Shawn: Pretty unbelievable, huh?
Cory: You know, Shawn. (Stops his walking) Normally, I can�t go when another guy�s standing right next to me.
Shawn: What a perfect target! I mean, I bet that�s why they put those numbers on the roof.
Cory: I can�t think of any other reason. (Takes own whiskey bottle) Well, here is to squad car 72, wherever you are. (Takes a big swig, Shawn stops him)
Shawn: Oh, no no. You�re not gonna finish that. (Takes the bottle and finishes its contents) Ahh! Oh well, party�s over. (Tosses empty bottle in the air. He and Cory watch it arch up, off screen, and crash to the ground.) Gravity�
Cory: Hey, (puts arm around Shawn & continues walking) I was gonna put flowers in that and present to Armanga as a token of my steam.
Shawn: (Laughs drunkenly) Wait a minute, Cory, you called her �Armanga�.
Cory: No, not our manga, my manga. (Shawn laughs some more, a bum walks out of the nearby corner store)
Shawn: (Still laughing) �oh, Cory�
Cory: (The bum tears up some lotto tickets and drops them on the ground) No luck, huh?
Bum: Ah, those things never pay off.
Shawn: Then why do you play?
Bum: (Sarcastically) Because I like losing.
Cory: Well, hey, hey, hey. (Holds up a $10 bill) How�d you like the chance to lose five more times?
Bum: Well, hey, five lottery tickets is only five bucks, that�s a ten.
Cory: You buy yourself five lottery tickets and you buy us a six-pack with the change.
Bum: Nah, if I buy a beer for a minor I can get arrested. You a cop?
Cory: (Laughs) Do we look like cops?
Bum: (Broad smile) Do I? (Cory and Shawn look at each other, the bum snatches the ten and goes into the store)
Cory: You know what, Shawnie? (Shawn does a handstand and takes a few steps forward) I always thought that Topanga (Shawn lands) was the one person I could never live without. But she�s gone, and you�re here, and I�m alive, so it must be you.
Shawn: I�d take a bullet for you, man.
Cory: No, Shawnie, I love you. (Hugs him closely)
Shawn: (Still hugging) I love you, too, Cory. And I�m not ashamed. (They separate, and Shawn sees the bum) Now I�m ashamed.
Bum: (Holding a brown paper bag) It�s okay, it�s okay my brother�s also chosen an alternative lifestyle. (Hands them the bag, walks away)
Shawn: (To bum) Let�s keep in touch.
Cory: You know what I can�t get over? When I left the house, I was almost half-crocked and my dad didn�t notice a thing. (Shawn hands him a beer, then takes one for himself.)
Shawn: That�s what happens when you start to get up there in years, y�know. You start to lose your edge.
Cory: Okay, wait, this is a toast. To the best friend in the whole world on the best night ever. (They clink cans, take a sip, then rush to conceal the cans as a police car pulls up)
Shawn: Oh, no. It�s Sippowitz.
Cory: Stand very still and we won�t get in trouble.
Shawn: (Seeing the 72 on the roof) Why does that number look so familiar?
[SCENE � Matthews� Kitchen. Amy is waiting when Alan leads Cory & Shawn in]
Alan: (Pointing to table) Sit down. (They do) So, how�s it feel to pull one over on your parents? You feel good?
Cory: (Ashamed) No�
Alan: I cannot believe that my kid stole liquor from my cabinet like� like� (Looks at Shawn) Well, like somebody else�s kid!
Amy: Have they been charged with anything? Are they gonna have a record?
Alan: No the charges were dropped because they are juveniles and there was no prior arrest.
Amy: Cory, this isn�t you.
Alan: (Angrily) No, of course it isn�t! Somebody influenced him, didn�t someone? (Leans in close to Shawn)
Amy: (Surprised) Alan.
Cory: No, dad, okay? You�re completely wrong. I did this completely on my own.
Alan: Come on. You�re covering up for Shawn like you always do.
Cory: No. I�m not. �Kay, in fact I�m the one that got him to drink.
Shawn: (Puts hand up to silence Cory) No, no, no, no, stop protecting me, Cory. Yeah, you know how lousy he�s been feeling good. Well, he wanted to feel good and I showed him how.
Cory: Shawn�s, what�re you doing?
Alan: I am sick and tired of overlooking the influence you have on my kid.
Amy: (Pulls Alan aside) Alan, that�s enough. Come into the other room, I want to talk to you. (Takes his hand)
Alan: That�s probably a good idea. (Amy leads him into the living room)
Cory: (Stands) Why are you taking the rap for me?
Shawn: Because your dad�s right, Cory. All my life, you�ve had my back. Just let me take the heat this time.
Cory: But I�m the one who got us into trouble!
Shawn: I�m not in any trouble, you are! People expect this from me. I�m the screw-up, you�re Mister Teenage America. Especially in the eyes of your parents. They�ve got you on this pedestal, I�m not going to let you fall off.
(Alan and Amy reenter)
Alan: Okay� this is what we think. First, we feel that you two need some time apart. Now, this doesn�t mean that the friendship is over.
Cory: No, No! Forget it, dad, okay? Forget it. I�m not doing that.
Alan: I�m not giving you the choice.
Amy: Cory! You were drinking tonight.
Cory: I don�t care, mom! Dad drinks!
Alan: (Moves towards Cory threateningly) I am slightly over 21. And when I do drink, I drink responsibly. (Taps Cory�s chest with the next line) And when you are ready to do what I do, then you can get out of this house and GET A JOB!!! (Backs Cory into the door)
Amy: What if Kimberly�s party wasn�t within walking distance, would you have driven?
Cory: I wouldn�t drink and drive, I�m not a moron.
Amy: You peed on a cop car! How smart is that?
Shawn: (Stands) I appreciate the lecture, and thanks for coming to the station to pick me up, but you�re not my parents. And, yeah, I�ll just stay away from Cory if that�s what�s gonna put everything back to normal. (Makes for exit)
Cory: Normal. (Shawn stops, turns around) Y�know, I�ve just broke up with someone that I�ve spent my entire life with. I don�t have a heart anymore. I�ve lost my life. So I went up to your liquor cabinet� And I took a bottle of whiskey� and I made Shawn drink. Because I didn�t want to be alone.
Alan: Shawn�
Shawn: (Quietly) Forget it.
Alan: No. I was worried about my kid, and I said some things that I shouldn�t have.
Shawn: It�s okay�
Alan: It is not okay. And I apologize. (Slowly, he and Amy go to the table & sit)
Cory: (Shawn puts his hand on Cory�s shoulder, Cory turns to face him) No more drinking?
Shawn: Yeah, no more drinking.
[SCENE � Feeny�s classroom. Shawn, Topanga, Angela, Feeny, and the rest of the class are already there when Cory enters and sits in his seat.]
Cory: (Whispering) Topanga, listen, about Friday night.
Topanga: Uh, Cory, you don�t need to apologize to me.
Cory: Well, no, no, no, there�s a reason I was acting so strange.
Topanga: I don�t really care. (Turns away)
Cory: You don�t?
Topanga: No.
Cory: (Unsure) Okay�
Topanga: (Turns back) It�s okay with you that I don�t care?!
Cory: No!
Topanga: Oy� (Turns back) (Cory throws up his arm in disgust)
Feeny: Class, as we continue our study of Feudalism, I would like to focus today on the life of the serf. (Shawn raises his hand) Mr. Hunter?
Shawn: I don�t wanna.
Feeny: You don�t wanna what?
Shawn: Boring. It�s boring. That�s why the whole feudalism thing didn�t work out, (stands) they got bored out of their freaking minds! (Cory stands, trying to quell Shawn) What?
Cory: It�s too far� (He and Shawn sit)
Shawn: No, y�know, just once, I would like to learn something somewhat relevant to our lives.
Angela: Shawn, shut up. I say this with love.
Topanga: (To Shawn, quietly) What�s the matter with you?
Shawn: (Loudly) Nothing. Now why don�t you stop being so crazy and sit on Cory�s lap.
Feeny: Mr. Hunter, we will discuss your outburst at the end of the class.
Shawn: (Nonchalant) Cool� So let the boredom begin. (Mimics blowing on a horn)
Feeny: Mr. Hunter, please leave!
Shawn: (Grinning) Okay. (Stands) But only because you asked me so nicely. (Grabs backpack and exits)
Cory: (Raises hand) Mr. Feeny, can I�?
Feeny: (Waves him off) Go, go� (Cory exits)
[SCENE � Shawn, Jack, and Eric�s apartment. Shawn enters with Cory behind him. Shawn throws his bag on the couch, opens the fridge, grabs a beer, and opens it]
Cory: Are you kidding me?
Shawn: Oh, I�m sorry. Do you want one? (Places a second beer on the counter)
Cory: You get kicked out of class, you fight me all the way home, you puke on my shoes, and you still want another beer?
Shawn: Why don�t you go home, Cory the Monitor?
Cory: Y�know what, I� I could�ve sworn we agreed to stop drinking.
Shawn: (Laughs) Yeah, well, I�ve been drinking the whole week and you haven�t noticed a thing. (Goes to couch, takes a swig)
Cory: You been drinking all week?
Shawn: (Takes another swig) Yeah, see, I�m doing this for you. (Sits) You�re worried about me, you stop thinking about Topanga. By the way, she�s getting out of school right about now. Why don�t you go across the street from her and cry? (Sips)
Cory: What?
(Enter Jack)
Jack: (Sees Shawn�s beer) What�re you doing? (Takes his beer, puts it on the table)
Shawn: (Laughs) It�s a beer! What�s the big deal here? (Jack looks to Cory)
Cory: We got drunk at a party the other night, I think he might�ve liked it a little too much.
Jack: (To Shawn) Yeah, well, beer is a big deal for us.
Shawn: (Sarcastically) Ooh, goody. Goody, now I get the lecture from the big brother who I�ve known all of six months. (Stands, gets in Jack�s face)
Jack: You don�t have a clue, do ya?
Shawn: About what?
Jack: About dad.
Shawn: Yeah. Dad used to drink, and then he stopped. Next?
Jack: DO you know why he stopped drinking?
Shawn: (Semi-serious) Because he ran out of money?
Jack: DO you know why my mom left him?
Shawn: Because she went for a guy with more money?
Jack: She left him because he was an abusive, ugly drunk!
Shawn: Don�t you ever talk about my father!! (Grabs Jack, throws him on the couch and tries to pin him)
Cory: Shawn! Stop! (Pulls them off the couch)
(Enter Angela and Topanga)
Jack: (Pointing to Shawn�s face, threateningly) He�s my father too, man. Alcoholism is in our family, and you shouldn�t drink!!
Angela: Shawn?
Cory: After the other night, Shawn, I feel like I could never drink again.
Topanga: (To Cory) You were drinking?
Shawn: Yeah. What do you figure that was about? I wonder.
Cory: Y�know what, Shawn? (Points) Shut up. Okay? We agreed to stop drinking. I have, you obviously haven�t.
Jack: (To Shawn) What do you think that�s about? I wonder�
Cory: (Quietly, to Topanga) And by the way, I happened to have been an adorable drunk, you should�ve seen me.
Topanga: I did. You weren�t. And this isn�t about us.
Angela: Shawn, it�s okay. Look, we can talk about anything. (Shawn pulls away) There�s a problem, we can figure out what to do.
Shawn: (Laughs disbelievingly) Nobody�s listening to me, okay? (Picks up bottle) I drink this stuff because I like it! It makes me feel good. (Taps bottle like a microphone) Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? I have no problem!
Angela: (Embarassed) Okay, maybe we don�t have to talk about this in front of everybody. (Takes Shawn�s arm) Let�s go out into the hall. (Tries to gently tug him away)
Shawn: Let go of me! (Shoves her into the door)
Angela: (Taken aback) I don�t like that you drink. Call me when you don�t. (Exits. Topanga exits behind her.)
Shawn: How did that just happen?
[SCENE � Matthews� kitchen. Alan is there, cleaning dishes. Shawn knocks at the door]
Shawn: Hi. I, um� I just wanted to let you know that you don�t have to worry about me. I�m not going to drink anymore. But if you want me to stay away from Cory because of all the other idiot stuff I do� I understand.
Alan: (Nods towards house) Come on in. (Shawn does so) You know, I wouldn�t want two friends to be kept apart. When I said that I was under the influence of alcohol.
Shawn: You were drunk, too?
Alan: No, you were. And so was Cory and I didn�t like seeing you that way.
Shawn: That seems to be the general consensus. So, um, when can Cory come out and play? (Cory enters from upstairs, waiting on the bottom step)
Cory: Can I, dad? Huh? Huh? Can I? (Sits on bottom step)
Alan: What month is it?
Cory: (Stands) Still March. (Walks over to Shawn & Alan)
Alan: Sorry, Shawn. (Pats his shoulder) Maybe next time you won�t be so easily influenced by you (Grabs Cory�s face) rotten friends. (Pats Shawn�s chest, walks away)
Shawn: Yeah, well� He�s the only one I got.
Cory: Angela hasn�t called back yet?
Shawn: No, she won�t return my messages. (Joking) I picked a fine time to quit drinking! Yeah, well, I have a lot of apologizing to do.
[SCENE � Feeny�s classroom. Shawn holds an apple up to Feeny, who is sitting at his desk]
Feeny: An apple? Are you kidding me?
Shawn: What I did in class yesterday was so out of line. (Places apple on desk) If you won�t accept my apology, then I want you to have this twelve dollars. (Takes cash from his pocket)
Feeny: The only thing of value to me, Mr. Hunter, would be to know that you�re alright. Are you alright?
Shawn: Yeah, you know, you�re right. My brother and I, y�know, decided to talk to this guy who�s gonna help us understand how to deal with this.
Feeny: Good for you, Shawn. That�s the right thing to do.
(Topanga approaches)
Shawn: Topanga.
Topanga: I know you�re sorry. I got the card and the fruit basket, it was missing an apple by the way.
Shawn: (Feeny hands him the apple) Right, here. (Hands Topanga the apple, then kisses her on the cheek. She sits, Shawn approaches Cory) How ya doing?
Cory: Hey! Wanna hang out two weeks from Thursday?
Shawn: I�ll be there.
Cory: (Sits) Good morning, Topanga. I still love you.
Topanga: We can�t start off that day like that, Cory.
Cory: I don�t care what you think.
Topanga: Fine!
Cory: Fine!
[Cut to Shawn talking to Angela, who has just entered]
Shawn: Hi.
Angela: Hi.
Shawn: I don�t like me when I drink, either.
Angela: Good, because I sure like you when you don�t. (Shawn, like a gentleman, allows Angela entry to the room past him. She then takes his hand before they separate to sit in their seats.)
[Public Service Announcement]
1-800-729-6686
S.A.M.H.S.A
National Clearinghouse for
Alcohol & Drug Information
Ben: If you or someone you know has a problem with alcohol, get help. Call 1-800-729-6686. The National Clearinghouse for Alcohol & Drug Information. Again, that�s 1-800-729-6686.
-End-