Original Airdate: 9-APR-1999
Written by David Brownfield. Directed by Mickey Dolenz
Courtesy of Dennis�s Boy Meets World Transcript Source. Transcribed by Dennis
Opening Credits
[SCENE � Student Caf�, Eric is having coffee and Feeny walks by talking to fellow teachers]
Eric: Feeny! You here, sit now. (points at chair)
Feeny: Eric, don�t use that tone�
Eric: (interrupting) Dean Bolander.
Feeny: (Sits) Okay, whatcha got?
Eric: How old are you, now, Mr. Feeny, what 90? 100?
Feeny: 100. What do you want?
Eric: It�s not what I want it�s what you want but not going after.
Feeny: Eric, my relationship with Dean Bolander will proceed at my pace, not yours.
Eric: You are such a scaredy cat, I mean here�s a woman that you�ve obviously got the hots for and you�re not going to do anything about it!
Feeny: Mr. Matthews! Don�t reduce my feeling for the woman to the hots! Unless of course she used that term�
Eric: Mr. Feeny you�ve been good to me over the years. You taught me everything I never paid attention to. It�s payback time.
Feeny: Oh no. No no. No payback. I don�t want it. Eric. I beg you, Eric.
Eric: (Same time as Feeny) It�s out of you hands, Feeny, out of your hands Feeny.
Feeny: Dean Bolander is the kind of woman that you have to romance slowly, carefully, like an orchid. I�m a gardener, I know these things.
[Cut to Dean Bolander, Angela, and Topanga, who are just entering]
DB: I�m telling you girls I like the man very much but he needs to pick up the pace of this dance.
Topanga: Isn�t there anything to be said for the old fashioned approach?
DB: Yeah. (Makes farting noise). Oh, I know he needs to do something. He needs to express his feelings. Goodness knows, I�ve been dropping the man hints left and right.
Angela: Well maybe you�re being too subtle.
DB: I hiked up my skirt at the seminar.
Angela: Damn.
[Cut back to Eric and Feeny]
Eric: Feeny. The time is now. Every second you wait is another clogged artery.
Feeny: My cholesterol level is high.
Eric: George, if not now, when?
Feeny: Now. (He and Eric get up)
Eric: That�s right, that�s right! You are the man, you are the man!
Feeny: Oh, will you get lost!
Eric: I�m lost! I�m lost! Just bring her home!
Feeny: (To DB) Excuse me. Dean Bolander.
DB: Yes?
Feeny: There�s something that I have been meaning to say to you.
(enter Kinkade)
Kinkade: There she is, Lila Bolander, the eighth wonder of the world!
DB: Curtis! (The hug)
Feeny: (To Eric) He must know her.
-Commercial Break-
[SCENE � Student caf�. Kinkade and Dean Bolander are talking. Eric, Feeny, Angela, and Topanga are watching.]
DB: Curtis, what�s it been? Fifteen years?
Kinkade: All this time I�m running around the world, digging up bones, and you�re here not aging a day. It doesn�t seem fair. But I like it.
Eric: (To Feeny) Relax, this guy�s got nothing.
DB: I want you to meets someone. (Turns to Feeny) George? (To Kinkade) This is my colleague and friend George Feeny.
Kinkade: Curt Kinkade. (Holds out hand) Put her there.
Feeny: (Shakes Kinkade�s hand) A pleasure, Mr. Kinkade.
Kinkade: Oh, come on, what�s with the �mister�? It�s doctor. Dr. Kinkade.
DB: Curtis is in town to speak at our science seminar. He�s made some top secret find in Africa.
Kinkade: Oh, just a little something that will change the course of the new millennium.
Feeny: Than you�re an archaeologist?
Kinkade: Oh, George, please that makes me feel like a geezer with a compass. I prefer fortune hunter, adventurer, or, my personal favorite, Lila�s ex-husband.
Eric: (To Feeny) �Ex,� no problem�
Kinkade: But I�m here to win here back.
Eric: (To Feeny) You know what? You�ve been alone this long. How about, you know, like a puppy?
[SCENE � Hallway. Shawn and Cory are having a bake sale. Eric is standing in front of them holding a hat. Note: Godfather music plays in the background through the scene.]
Eric: And the man stepped in between them. And the course of true love for one of our own may have forever been altered by this� skeevoza�
Shawn: (Stirs coffee loudly)
Cory: Why do you come to us now? On this, the day of our bake sale?
Eric: Cause this just happened like five minutes ago. (Glances at door)
Cory: Okay, what do you need?
Eric: I need for you to do me this favor.
Shawn: (Sips coffee loudly)
Cory: You need for me to do you this favor? You never invited me into your home. You never invited me for a cup of coffee.
Eric: Yes, I know, and for this� I am sorry. But� we must help Feeny. But he mustn�t know it was us. This is the biggest job we�ve ever attempted to pull off. I come to you with my hat in my hand.
Cory: It�s my hat.
Eric: It�s my hand. Are you in, or are you out?
Shawn: Eric, we�re flattered you�d come to us, but look around. We�re legitimate now.
Cory: We�re in the bake sale business.
Eric: Guys� It�s Feeny, he�s family. This may be his one chance at true love.
Shawn: (Gets up & paces towards Eric) Eric, I just spent 68 bucks traveling around this country. I learned a few things about life.
Cory: (Behind Eric) Why don�t you tell him what you learned, Shawn? (Whispers to Eric) I love this part.
Shawn: I learned to be at peace with myself. I like looking over my shoulder and not worrying about who�s coming after me (Looks over shoulder as a guy passes by). These schemes and capers I used to hatch, they may lead to despair. That�s what I learned. I also learned never to park a trailer across a railroad track when that thing is down.
Cory: Besides, Eric� I hit a teacher, remember? The dean put me on probation. I do one thing wrong, I�m outta here.
Shawn: Don�t you think Feeny can take care of himself?
Eric: I�m ashamed. I am ashamed to call you guys my brother and Shawn. (Takes cupcake and shoves it in his mouth whole. Exits)
Shawn: (After long pause) He ate the paper. (Cory nods)
[SCENE � Jack and Rachel�s apartment. Jack and Rachel are making out at the counter]
Jack: (After Rachel breaks the kiss) What? What�s the matter?
Rachel: Jack, you know, I really love this, but have you noticed this is all we do?
Jack: Yeah, isn�t it great?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah it is great Jack, but� I want more.
Jack: (Up to God) Oh thank you. (To Rachel, peels away towards the bedroom) Well the room is right this way.
Rachel: (Stops him at the stairs) Oh, Jack, no, I mean� I want us to be a couple.
Jack: We are a couple.
Rachel: I mean I want to go out, Jack. We haven�t gone out since we�ve become a couple. (Goes to couch) Why don�t we ever go anywhere? (Sits)
Jack: We go plenty of places. First we went there (points to couch), then we went there (points to chair at the counter), and now we�re gonna go up there (points to bedroom).
Rachel: Jack, I want to be with people. I want to go dancing.
Jack: Uh� Um� Let�s go to the movies. (Sits)
Rachel: The movies are dark and no one will see us and I want to show you off. I wanna go dancing, Jack (hugs his shoulder). You can dance, right?
Jack: (Dejected) Yeah, I can dance.
Rachel: Great, then we�ll go dancing tomorrow night. (Gets up and hugs Jack, who�s still sitting) Oh Jack, this is gonna be so much fun! I can�t wait. (Exit into bedroom. Jack is still on the couch, dejected)
[SCENE � Classroom. Kinkade is telling a story to the students while Dean Bolander and Feeny watch. Cory, Shawn, and Eric sit behind Topanga and Angela]
Kinkade: So, I jump off the cliff, grab hold of a big old branch, jungle gym to the river, and never saw Chief Yakazou�s ugly mug again. And the cursed ruby of the Zau Kwai now resides in the Turkish Museum of Natural History diagonally across from the Hot Rod Caf�, the end! (Applause from students. Topanga and Angela are wooed, Eric is contemplating with two fingers to his temple.)
Topanga & Angela: �wow�
Eric: Hey! Whose side are you on?
Feeny: Well thank you, Dr. Kinkade for that, uh, vivid story, which provides us a perfect transition into today�s assignment. (Collective class moan) Where our neighboring crete, (Eric gets up to throw out garbage) we will find Sir Arthur Evans excavating at Minoan Knossos beginning in 1899.
Eric: (As he passes by Feeny) (Fake cough) You�re dying, do something.
Feeny: You will read what Evans was most interested in excavating and the effect it had on archaeology in the 20th century.
Kinkade: Ponderous, man, ponderous.
DB: (To Kinkade) George is a fine educator, Curtis.
Kinkade: (To Dean Bolander) Sorry. But when you�ve had these experiences first hand, it�s a little hard to get excited about reading a book. But I suppose reading is a lot safer than actually doing something. Hm?
[Cut to Eric, Cory, and Shawn, sitting side by side by side. Cue Godfather Music]
(Eric glares a Cory and Shawn expectingly, who return the look)
Cory: (To Shawn) I feel as though this gentleman may require our attention.
Shawn: Perhaps. A lesson in humility.
Cory: Something big.
Shawn: Something spectacular.
Cory: (Out of �Godfather� character) But let�s not get caught like all the other times, okay? (Shawn nods in agreement.)
-Commercial Break-
[SCENE � Science Lab C. Shawn and Cory enter. There are papers and artifacts all over shelves and the desk.]
Cory: Shawny, of all the plans we concocted, this is the best one. (Shuts door) And we have concocted some doozies.
Shawn: And Feeny always caught us.
Cory: Yeah, he always had us figured out.
Shawn: Well we�re in college now, we�re older, we�re wiser.
Cory: You think he�s up to the challenge?
Shawn: It�s us against him. Living on the edge, babe.
Cory: I like when you call me �babe�.
Shawn: Alright! So, Eric said this guy Curtis stored all the stuff from his last dig here in the science lab.
Cory: Yeah, he�s supposedly got something that�s gonna alter the course of the new millennium.
Shawn: Are we ready to execute phase one of our master plan?
Cory: Ready, let�s mess this place up! (Shawn throws a folder in the air as does Cory. Papers fly everywhere) Y�know, Shawny, I honestly don�t see how anything can be simpler.
Shawn: This is child�s play. (Turns to desk with a brain in a jar on it) What�s this, a brain?
Cory: That�s gotta be his discovery. He�s discovered the world�s first brain. This gets out, Feeny will never get the dean.
Shawn: You can get any woman with the world�s first brain.
Cory: Could I get� Topanga?
Shawn: Yeah, I think you could.
Cory: Woohoo! (Grabs jar and struggles to open it)
Shawn: Whoa, hey! That jar�s been closed for 5000 years.
Cory: (Still struggling) Y�know, this must be the world�s first jar. How do I get this thing open?
Shawn: Well, here, here. (Takes jar) Hand me the rare Phoenician mallet. (Cory hands him mace-like spiky thing) No, no, no, no. That�s an early Egyptian dental tool. (Cory hands him a small, wooden hammer.) Here we go (Shawn hits the jar�s lid and the hammer head pops off) Phoenician peace of crap.
Cory: Shawn, you broke it. That�s not part of the plan.
Shawn: I�ll replace it! I see them all the time at Bed, Bath, & Phoenician. (Still can�t open jar) Here, hand me the Byzantine statue of King Hopheratou. (Cory hands him a small, golden statue. Shawn hits it against the jar lid. It shatters.) Home Shopping Channel! There are 6 billion of them left. (Finally, placed jar on the desk and pries the lid off. Gooiness is stuck to the lid as it�s pulled away.)
Cory: (Removes the brain from the jar. There�s gooiness there, too) Wow. The human brain. The thing that separates us from the animals.
Shawn: Cause they would have an animal brain.
Cory: Yeah. I hold in my hands the pinnacle of God�s creation. Think fast! (Tosses the brain at Shawn. It hits his chest and falls to the floor)
Shawn: (Bends down to pick it up, and comes up with two brain halves) You want personality or motor skills?
[SCENE � Classroom. Feeny is teaching a class. Eric is there]
Feeny: Energy can be emitted or absorbed by matter. But only in small, discrete units called quanta.
Eric: (Stands up, yells and points at Feeny) Feeny stop hiding behind your books!
Feeny: Also fundamental to the development of quantum physics was the uncertainty principle.
Eric: (Starts towards Feeny, between desks) Oh, Feeny, you�re in pain.
Feeny: Eric, you�re not even in this class!
Eric: Someone who is perfectly fine does not let some world-famous super-duper explorer guy who�s five times the man you�ll ever be swoop in and take your booty.
Feeny: She is not my booty. (Holds up hands apologetically) �I mean� And if she was my booty I would prefer not to talk about my booty in front of the entire class.
Eric: Come on, Feeny, everybody knows!
Feeny: No one knows. I have behaved in a manner befitting a man of my station.
Eric: Word salad, Feeny. Okay. (Turns to class) Who here knows who Feeny loves?
Class: The dean.
Feeny: (To class) Alright, everybody out! (Class leaves)
Eric: What just ruined it for you, Mr. Feeny? Why won�t you make your move?
Feeny: Eric. In a world that is not run by savages there is such a thing as decorum. Now decorum would suggest that a gentleman allow a lady to resolve an old relationship before he engages her in a new one.
Eric: Yes, but see you�re already in a new relationship. You�re in a triangle, Feeny (Makes square with fingers). And take it from someone who�s been in a triangle before: He who hesitates is lost. RAAACHELLLLL!!! I�m okay, I�m okay. I�m fine, I�m just like you.
Feeny: Oh, dear, I don�t wanna be like you. (Eric is weeping)
[SCENE � Science Lab C, continued from earlier]
Shawn: Cory, look what you did! You had a perfectly good world�s first brain and now look at it.
Cory: I�m sorry.
Shawn: Well, here. Just, like, smush it back together and put it back in the jar. (Hands brain halves to Cory, who puts them back together and drops them in the jar. The halves don�t stay together.)
Cory: Y�know what? I better hide this because� (Drops jar on top of another jar on a box next to the desk) Uh-oh.
Shawn: You broke another jar? (Bends down to inspect it) I wonder what was in that one. (Buzzing sound)
Cory: Whoa.
Shawn: Whoa! That is one angry bee.
Cory: Alright, forget the bee, on to phase two.
Shawn: Yeah, why don�t we open a window for some air.
Cory: (acting) Wait a minute, Shawn? Won�t opening a window set off an alarm? (Shawn opens a window, the alarm goes off)
Shawn: (acting) Oh, man. We never learn anything, do we?
Cory: No, now the teacher from next door is gonna hear that alarm.
Shawn: And he�s gonna come in here all mad.
Cory: And I wonder who that teacher�s gonna be.
(enter Feeny)
Cory & Shawn: (acting) Oh, no. It�s Feeny.
Feeny: What�s going on in here?
Cory: Nothing.
Shawn: We didn�t break this stuff.
Feeny: Well who did?
Cory: (Jabs finger accusingly) You did!
Shawn: And we�re telling. (Cory and Shawn run and exit, shut door behind them, locking Feeny in).
Feeny: (Struggles to open door. Bangs on it.) Hey!
[SCENE � Jack & Rachel�s apartment. Rachel is happy in a beautiful black dress. Enter Jack from bedroom]
Rachel: Come on out, Jack, I wanna see how good you look.
Jack: (Waves and walks down stairs. When he arrives next to Rachel, they are the same height) How you doing?
Rachel: (Noticing his height) Okay, something�s different.
Jack: Yeah, we�re going out. Let�s go. Hey hey. (Makes for exit)
Rachel: (Stops him) Wait a second. You�re tall.
Jack: Yeah, so are you. Let�s go. (Makes for exit again)
Rachel: (Stops him again) No. I mean, I�m looking straight ahead and suddenly you�re in my field of vision. What�d you do?
Jack: Well, I�m standing up straight. You know me, I�m a schlump. I�m a real down looker (looks down). Alright let�s go, hey hey.
Rachel: What is on your feet?
Jack: My dancing shoes.
Rachel: Ugh. I can�t believe this, Jack, you bought elevator shoes.
Jack: They�re not elevator shoes. The guy never called them elevator shoes.
Rachel: Oh what�d he call them?
Jack: Manly step-ups.
Rachel: Ugh, Jack!
Jack: What?
Rachel: I can�t believe this! You� That�s why you didn�t want to go out with me because you�re too embarrassed to be seen with me because I�m so tall.
Jack: What�re you talking about?
Rachel: My whole life I�ve been the tall one, the bean pole�
Jack: I never thought that!
Rachel: �Hey, stilts, how�s the weather up there?�
Jack: You�re crazy. You know why I didn�t want to go out with you? Because I thought they�d say, �Hey, look at the model with that shrimp.�
Rachel: What are you talking about? You�ve never been worried about this before when we�ve been out.
Jack: Yeah, but we�ve only been out as friends, I never really thought about this until we got together. Y�know what, to be honest? I never thought you�d be interested in me.
Rachel: I am interested in you, Jack. (Steps closer and glances down) But not in those.
Jack: Okay. (Sits and removes elevator shoes) Y�know what? I would love to go dancing. (Puts on regular shoes)
Rachel: Really? You mean in front of everybody?
Jack: Yes. In front of the whole� (Stands and looks her in the eye) �world. Alright, let�s dance.
Rachel: Oh, Jack.
Jack: Come on. (They exit. Rachel grabs her coat. They walk into the elevator where there is a short, old woman. Jack stands between Rachel and the old woman.) How you doing?
Old Woman: (After long pause, looks up at Jack)(Loudly) She�s too tall for you. (Elevator doors close.)
[SCENE � Science Lab C, continued from earlier. Feeny is drying the brain with a handkerchief. Dean Bolander enter with Cory and Shawn.
DB: George!
Feeny: What? This? (Holds up brain halves) I didn�t do this.
(enter Angela, Topanga, and Eric)
DB: I didn�t believe them when they told me but it�s hard to argue with something that�s right in front of your face.
Cory: We�re just as shocked as your are, dean.
Feeny: Now, look, this is insane.
Shawn: Put the brain down! (Feeny puts brain on desk, scared)
DB: What in heavens name were you thinking of when you did this?
Feeny: I didn�t do it! They did it! (Points to Cory and Shawn)
Shawn: (Acting taken aback) (Gasps)
Cory: (Acting taken aback) Mr. Feeny! We are insulted! Shawn and I have been upstairs selling muffins for the underprivileged.
Feeny: They were down here with me. Topanga (turns to her), you wouldn�t lie for him. Where was he?
Topanga: He�s been selling muffins all day.
Angela: So was Shawn.
Shawn: We�re legitimate now.
DB: Why did you do this, George?
Eric: Oh, you know something, dean? This was simply just an act of love culminating in an act of vandalism. It actually happens all the time.
DB: An act of love? Was this an act of love, George?
Feeny: (Eric is poking him, gritting his teeth. Cory and Shawn and nodding and mouthing �yes� behind Dean Bolander�s back) Yeah. (Eric nods in triumph and peels away towards the girls) Yep.
Kinkade: (enters) Alright, nobody move. Where�s my bee?
DB: Bee? What bee?
Kinkade: My bee! It�s my discovery!
Cory: (To Shawn) Uh-oh.
Kinkade: (searching the room) It�s an African killer bee I�ve been searching for it for years!
Shawn: Curtis? You�ve been out of town a little too long. Those African killer bees are swarming all over the country. They�re due in Philly next Tuesday.
Kinkade: This bee has a reverse migration pattern. We mate that species with the killer bees that are already here they start migrating back where they originated from saving thousands of lives. I could be rich!!
(Bee buzzes)
Cory: It�s the bee! (Everybody panics)
Eric: (Steps forwards and grabs the half-broken Byzantine stature from earlier) Everybody relax! I�ll kill it!
Kinkade: (Takes statue) No, don�t touch that bee! (Eric glares at him and walks away)
DB: Curtis, no. (Takes statue) The statue of King Hopheratou you gave me for our anniversary. It�s broken.
Kinkade: The hell with the statue, this stuff is nothing but junk compared to that bee!
DB: (Shocked) Junk?
Kinkade: Shh! Don�t move. The bee�s on you.
DB: (Bee on her neck) Oh, Curtis, you know I�m allergic to bee.
Kinkade: So you puff up for a little while, this is my nobel prize.
Feeny: (Steps forward and slams dirty handkerchief on the desk) I don�t think so, Curtis. (Snatches bee of Dean Bolander�s neck. The bee stings his hand) Ow! (winces, inhales slowly and turns to Dean Bolander) Ow. (Opens hand and presents bee to Kinkade) I think this belongs to you. I�ll return the stinger as soon as it works its way out of my flesh.
Kinkade: (Takes bee gingerly in his hand) No, no, no don�t die, don�t die! Quick, where�s the zoology department? (Cory, Eric, and Shawn all point different directions. Kinkade exits)
Eric: That�s guy�s a joke, man.
DB: (holding Feeny�s injured hand) George, that�s the most wonderful thing anybody�s ever done for me.
Feeny: I wouldn�t let anything harm you, Lila. I hope you feel the same way about me.
DB: (Deep Relief) What took you so long, George?
Eric: Kiss her, Feeny. (He and Feeny exchange glances)
Feeny: (Kisses Dean Bolander passionately. Everyone in the room applauds.)
Cory: (To Shawn) This is a beautiful moment.
Shawn: What�s even more beautiful is the first time we�ve ever gotten away with anything in our lives. (High five with Cory)
[Cut to Cory and Shawn washing windows outside the student caf�. They�re both wearing orange jumpsuits]
Cory: We�ve washed 734 windows so far.
Shawn: How did this blow up in our face?
Cory: I don�t know. We had Feeny scammed.
Shawn: Yeah, Feeny was nothing. But his chick is tough.
[Cut to Feeny and Dean Bolander having coffee in the caf�. Feeny�s hand is bandaged]
Feeny: (Dean Bolander puts her hand on his hurt hand) Ouch.
DB: Oh, does it still hurt?
Feeny: A little.
DB: Do you want me to?
Feeny: Oh, please. (Dean Bolander kisses his hand) All better. (They laugh quietly) I want to thank you again for going easy on the boys.
DB: Oh, George. One of the reasons I was attracted to you was because I�d never seen a teacher whose students were willing to go to such lengths to see him happy.
Feeny: You never actually thought I was the perpetrator?
DB: Oh, well� I have no doubt that you�re capable of acting with reckless abandon.
Feeny: I am, I am.
Eric: (Pulls up chair and sits with them. He�s holding a broom wearing and orange jumpsuit, too) Hey! Well this is great, isn�t it? I mean you love him, he loves you, I love you both, we�re a triangle. Now, um, dean, there�s something you should know, Feeny and I like to hang out quite a bit so if I�m ever around and you guys are getting�� frisky (Feeny gets up) or whatever it is you guys do I�m gonna need some kind of a signal to know that it�s time� (Feeny picks him up by the collar and pulls him away) This�ll work.
[TAG � Hallway in front of Jack & Rachel�s apartment. Jack and Rachel are returning home from dancing. They get off the elevator. Another old woman is standing there.]
Jack: (To Rachel) I don�t know what I was thinking. We are perfect for each other.
Rachel: Yeah.
Jack: Perfect.
Rachel: (To old woman) Hi, Mrs. Pertleson.
Mrs. Pertleson: (To Jack) She�s too tall for you. (Walks onto elevator) (Jack rushes after her, like he�s going to hit her, but Rachel grabs him and stops him)
Rachel: Jack! No! Hey! Jack, look, um, you said you weren�t going to let this bother you, okay?
Jack: It�s no problem. I�m okay.
Rachel: Okay, great.
Jack: (At elevator) I hope the cable breaks, Mrs. Pertleson!
Rachel: Jack, why do we go inside and make a snuggly?
Jack: Yeah. I�m not too short for that.
Rachel: I know. (She starts to unlock the door, but the door flies open. There is a burglar inside wearing a black ski mask and holding their stereo)
Jack: (Grabs a baseball bat) Hey! Hey! Come any closer and I�ll club you! (The burglar doesn�t move. Jack moves closer and removes the burglar�s ski mask. It�s yet another old lady)
Old Lady: She�s too tall for you. (Exits with stereo)
-End-