Our interviewer walks down a long hallway, past many small children and their balloons, past posters promoting various food items. She stops at a door that says "Pope, Pope, Pope...PEEP! Inc." on it, and, taking a key from her pocket, unlocks it. She steps inside the dimly-lit room and closes the door behind her. There is a strange smell of chemicals in the air, which seems to be coming from a few large plastic bottles that are labeled "THIS IS NOT YOUR JUICE - DO NOT DRINK!!!!" A shadowy mysterious figure sits across from Our Interviewer, on the other side of the desk. It seems to be wearing a bright orange traffic cone on its head with a cross and a heart scribbled on it. The shadowy figure then snaps its fingers, the lights come on, and it speaks...

Pope of Love [POL]: Ah, do come in and take a seat.

Our Interviewer [OI]: Thank you.

She looks around and sits in a conveniently-placed folding chair after recovering from being momentarily blinded by the lights. Pulling a few folded papers from her pocket, she begins the interview.

OI: So, Pope of Love - or may I call you Your Holiness - people are dying every day. There are wars, suffering, plagues and bad fanfiction. Helldemons stalk the earth and try to hit on you. The world is falling apart.Yesterday I met this lady at the bus stop but she doesn't matter because she doesn't have a theme song! Did you notice my initials spell "Oi"? We're all going to die someday. You're the Pope of Love! What are you going to do about it?

POL: I can do nothing, my child, apart from sitting here in the dark year after year, developing photos and warding off the few helldemons that try to attack and their really bad music.

OI: Can't you at least give us some enlightenment?

POL: Of course I can! I'm the Pope dammit!

OI: Yay! I will ask you things that people wonder about!

When did you decide to become the Pope of Love?

Well, it happened like thunder. I did not decide to become the Pope of Love, but the Pope of Love decided to become me. It is not something one can choose, like their hair color, or the flavor of Cheeze Whiz. It is merely something that one happens to become, like a horny blue elephant.

Why "Of Love"?

Well darling, because love is the fucking root of everything. Or not. It's very tricky. Cake! Yes, Cake is well and good also... Love is something so many people cannot grasp. Well, I don't know. I just happened to become the Pope of Love. The Pope of Nuts was already taken.

..."Nuts"?

Meh, ask the Penguin Boy of Doom.

Okay. As the Pope of Love, what services do you provide to mankind?

Well, there's my point plan, in which I assign points that one can redeem like those Kool-Aid points. And the levels of enlightenment. But you can't trade those. But anyways, I am here to enlighten and answer the questions of existence.

Why do you say "MY NUT!!!" so often?

Well, I have to say something, and "YOUR CLITORIS" doesn't have quite the same ring. Plus it makes people think. Wow, for asking such a brilliant question, you deserve points! And levels! Did you know that points can be redeemed for many many things? Sammiches, hugs, enlightenment, a steamy bowl of monkey butt soup...

What influences have Jhonen Vasquez's comics had on you?

Well, let me tell you he is a pretty pretty man. A talented pretty pretty man. I think I may love him. Umm...Happy Noodle Boy is one of my gods. I actually carrysome of my religious texts with me at almost all time: the Book of Squee, and of Johnny. They're very helpful to ward off the hell demons. You don't want them to hump you. It burns.

So I've heard. When you're not being the Pope of Love, what do you do in your spare time?

Sleeping is fun. So is drawing Happy Noodle Boy, and possessing Clay Aiken. I want to hear him declare his faith -"Mah Nut!!"

Do you have a pope hat?

Unfortunately, it broke recently. I'm sending away for a new one, but they asked for some sort of measurements, and I decided to just put down random numbers. After all, it is a random number generation. I also have a pimpin' hat.

The Pope begins some sort of twisted song and dance routine.

"Big popin', spendin' Jesus..."

And then stops abruptly, giggling disturbingly.

...Ha ha ha! NUT WAX!!

Does your hat give you special n1nja l0vin' sk1llz?

Yes, it does. It gives me the power to be irresistible.

Spiffy. Can you smite helldemons with your magical Pope Powers?

Sometimes; you have to get the angle right. The Book Of Squee is helpful too.

Can I call you Sparky?

Of course, in fact, I demand it. I also answer to Nicholas, Nick, Ivan, and several other things.

So...what's your baloney's first name?

Well, my baloney's really weird. It gets confused easily and acts like a penguin. I really don't like baloney, in general. I don't know if it'd like its' identity to be known.

And now I have a question from one of your followers...How well are you hung, Your Holiness?

I have followers? My god! Well, maybe your god too. I want a smoothie! The answer lies in the Smoothie!!!! But anyway. Silly kinky people. I am hung like the stars. Sparkly, shiny, and all of that. I am the pope of love. I win all! I do not lose! I win!! I win!!! I'm too sexy for my cat!! I don't HAVE A CAT!!! (Because I'm too sexy to have one!!)

Only slightly confused, Our Interviewer glances at her watch and pokes at the Pope.

OI: Well, Your Holiness, we have to get going, this has been a lovely interview and thank you for your time.

She gathers her crumpled papers and gets up to leave, waving cheerfully at the Pope who seems to be consumed by thoughts of the cat it doesn't have.

She walks over to the door and pauses.

OI: Would you like me to turn the lights back off for you?

The Pope does not answer. She shrugs and switches off the lights, closing the door behind her. The Pope sits up and yells at the closed door...

POL: Ladies! Come back!! Under my crunch roach exterior beats the heart of a LOVER!!!

But there is no response.

THE END.