The Book of Eris

I was returning from a weekend motorcycle run up in the mountains just north of Los Angeles, California. All of a sudden it got so foggy you couldn't see your hand in front of your face. I was riding a chopped 1957 Harley-Davidson panhead, with no illusions that I could survive a collision with a car whose driver couldn't see me in this fog, and who was probably drunk anyway. I hadn't eaten anything all day except for that breakfast burrito from MacDonald's. And, even though some friendly guy had given me a huge line, that he dipped out of a sandwhich bag full of crank with his Buck knife, my stomach was growling. On top of that I was freezing my nuts off. So, even though the night was dark and foggy, I wasn't about to stop until I got to some place I could get warm and have a bite to eat.

I was shivering so hard I could barely hold onto my handlebars, so I decided to distract myself, with a little mental masturbation - the old 'groove on the sound of your motor' routine! I hunched down and listened to the echo of my upswept fishtails off the canyon walls, and pretended that I was a World War I pilot flying through the clouds in my bi-plane.

Suddenly the Red Baron was on my ass, in the form of a huge 16-wheeler, HONK! Those horns were so fucking loud that I almost jumped out of my skin. I reflexively twisted the throttle and surged ahead... through the stop sign, that I saw too late, and across the road of a T-intersection, and my bike leapt across a side ditch and into some farmers field. The prick in the truck must have been following my taillight, but he wasn't so lucky 'cause when he hit the ditch his whole rig jack-knifed with a horrible crunch... I was so pumped up from the adrenilin that somehow I miraculously got my bike back on the road and putted away through the fog... much in need of a drink!

Well, about 200 feet up the road I spied this flashing sign which proclaimed: NIGHT LIFE... COCKTAILS and FOOD! So, I whipped off the road and into the parking lot - which was covered with loose gravel (I hate gravel 'cause it's like riding on ice)... parked around back, shut my motor off, and went inside. When I got to the bar I noticed two things: the place was full of rednecks, and everybody was wearing a Buck knife except me. Groovy.

Some blonde chick behind the bar (with nice big tits) smiles and says: "Whadaya want." I say, "A cheeseburger and a double rum and coke." I move to a table in the corner and she brings me my drink, and says with a wink, "Nice bike." I smile back knowing she's trying to hit on me 'cause I'm way too cool for this place.

It takes my about an hour to finish my meal ('cause I'm trying to warm up and calm down), and when I get down to the last of my drink I notice FIVE hits of paper acid in the bottom of the glass... not to mention the fact I am feeling a little weird... bitchin', the perfect place to get stoned: some hick bar emanating hostility, and by now the Highway Patrol is outside and flashing red lights are bouncing around the room.

I'VE GOT TO GET RID OF MY STASH! was the first rational thought that entered my mind. "Is there a back door in this place?" I said as I paid my bill. She winked again and said, "Right through there," indicating the kitchen. I ducked out back, realized I needed to take a piss and headed for a spot behind the dumpster. As I was putting my unit back in my pants this chick appeared. Her hair was all messed up, her clothes were ripped, and she had this wild look in her eye - like she was carrying a dagger under her shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra and I could see her erect nipples through the material of her blouse. SHE WAS NONE OTHER THAN THE GODDESS ERIS!!!

We smoked a joint together and then she revealed her message to me as is recorded in this Holy Testament, saying, "This is the message I want you to reveal to your family and friends, to people you meet at doughnut shops, hamburger joints, in bars, tattoo parlours, gas stations, at the Harley shop, to tourists who come to San Francisco, and especially to all those dorks in cyberspace!"