so I wait for the day by cherry vanilla

(Jake Gyllenhaal/Hayden Christensen, R, Hayden's POV)

Set during the London stage production of This is Our Youth

writing soundtrack: the execution of all things - rilo kiley, from a balance
beam - bright eyes, the moon - the microphones, sword - rilo kiley, when
the curious girl realizes she is under glass - bright eyes, drop - jesus and mary chain

Laurence says, "so, perhaps Dennis is a little in love with him," and you think yeah, sure, okay, and play it with some subtext and kiss him on the cheek a little longer than you needed to and so it really shouldn't have been that much of a surprise when you started to love him a bit without the facade of a character.

Jake says, "so, it's weird, huh? That you got Dennis and I got Warren. I sorta pictured you more the other way," and you think Is that an insult? Does he see me as some loser? and you guess you ducked your head a bit because he quickly adds, "not that it's a bad thing. Just, you seem shy and all, and Dennis is so obnoxious and aggressive. I'm ashamed to admit I possess some of his qualities. Anyway, you're a good guy," and you really have to duck your head this time so he won't see the blush.

Anna says, "so, why don't you just tell him already?" and your heart stops and you think Oh shit, she knows, she fucking knows and then she continues with, "tell Laurence you feel awkward with the blocking during that scene in the second act," and you just nod and pick at your food, not trusting your voice to answer.

You say, "so, like, you're seriously good up there," and he smiles at you and ruffles your hair and says, "so are you, man."

It's the opening night after party. You've got a little over a month left of performances, which means a little over a month left of Jake, and you've already wasted a month. Sure, you've laughed and talked and hung out socially with Anna, but you've always been so terrified someone would be able to see right into the thoughts in your head, that you never fully let your guard down.

Lost in the tangled web that is your brain, you didn't realize he was looking at you and must have been for a while. You meet his eyes, lock, and after a few moments, he looks away. "No one can hold my gaze", you think, but that's Dennis -- surely it isn't you. You look back at him, and he's smiling as if he knows exactly what you were thinking. Perhaps he does.

He says, "so, you want to get out of here," and you think yes, yeah, of course I do, but you just nod and he smiles again, bright and blinding, his eyes intense, penetrating through you, and its then you realize you're the biggest idiot on the planet.

In his hotel room, you're oddly calm, somewhat numb, not quite believing this could be happening, positive you've misread the signs. You wipe your palms against your jeans and sit down. He walks over soon after and sits next to you, handing you a beer. You're thankful for something to do with your hands and mouth.

He starts to talk about tonight, the audience, and the things that could use work, and somehow you keep up flow of conversation, even though all you're thinking of are his hands that are slowly fondling the neck of the bottle.

Fifteen minutes later, you're left with an empty bottle and nice warm buzz spreading over your body and pooling, naturally, in your groin. You shift on the couch and look at him, the conversation having trailed off.

He says, "so, you want to watch TV?" and you think nope, no, of course I don't but you just nod and smile and shift some more. Once again, you're so lost within yourself that you don't even notice that the TV has been turned on, and what's on the screen. Right, you're not stupid. You've been in London for a month, and you'd heard about it before that, so of course you're going to watch Queer as Folk. They replay it all the time, for christ sake. So, while that's a given for you, and you may or may not have jerked off while Nathan went down on Stuart, and pretended it was Jake, that still doesn't explain why he has it on right now, unless..

And now your mouth is dry and your palms are sweating, because your first instinct back at the theater was right and suddenly the room feels hot and he feels much closer than he was before and Stuart and Nathan are kissing onscreen, hot and dirty.

He's staring straight ahead and you're sneaking looks out of your peripheral vision and maybe he is too, you're not sure, just that he's transfixed on the screen, trying to pretend his arm isn't shifting behind the pillows to drape over your shoulder. And you should be insulted, should feel like a fucking girl, him using moves on you that you've used yourself before, but you're so excited this is actually happening that you can't begin to care.

His hand is warm on your shoulder and you lean into it a little, shifting closer, ready to stop all the pretense, so you turn your head and he's right there, still feigning nonchalance and it's annoyingly cute.

You say, "so," and he looks at you, finally, and holds your gaze, holds your gaze, and his breath is warm against your cheek as he leans in slow, slow, slower, lips hovering an inch away and then touching your own and you can't help but make a noise of need because yes, yes it's happening. He kisses you harder, pushing your lips apart with his tongue, pointed and hard and searching the inside of your mouth. You part your lips more, meeting his tongue with your own, kissing deep, licking hungrily.

He pushes you back against the sofa, your head banging against the arm with a loud thud and you laugh breathlessly against his lips, feeling his answering hiccups of laughter.

He whispers, "you okay?" smiling, and you nod and lean forward to take his lips again. He shifts on top of you, body framed against your own, warm and solid, and the heat from his groin like fire. You arch against him, rubbing together through layers of denim, moaning between frantic kisses. His hands run up and down your arms and chest while your own cup his ass, pulling him even closer.

Somehow, you end up in a seated position, him straddling your lap while sucking at your neck, hands pulling at buttons and zippers.

He says, "so. oh, oh, so good," as you jerk him off, and you think yes, yeah while your other hand cups the small of his back and your teeth scrape against the rough skin of his neck.

His hair is wet and damp against his forehead. You kiss up the side of his face, pull on his earlobe, making him moan as he jerks you in time with your own hand. And then all that can be heard is the slick slap of flesh and harsh pants of breath.

You come nearly together, his hand tangled in your hair, his lips pulling the ragged breaths out of you all while moaning your name, and somehow managing to make it sound sexy.

He shuffles, legs going on either side of you and pulls you down on top of him. You kiss his throat, slick skin sliding against his, cooling, as he runs a hand through your hair. It's comforting, and you feel yourself verging on sleep.

He says, "so, i sorta love you, you know, in case you needed a bigger clue," and you think yes, yeah, i'm a total idiot and close your eyes, smiling.

[end]

superstars in their own private movies