Based on a fan report of Bert/Gerard at a recent Warped Tour show. I’m pretending it was the Pomona date.
Kill/Smile by Cherry Vanilla
Bert/Gerard, PG
He hears some chick say ‘Gerard!’ and looks up, mid autograph, following her gaze. His stomach flip-flops, heart racing, and he feels like all the little girls around him, completely entranced. He mumbles something and shoves the autograph at a kid, then worms his way through the crowd, leaving calls of his name and disappointed groans in his wake. He jogs and calls out ‘Gee!’ and then Gerard stops by the gate, surprise on his face. Bert catches up to him, breathing hard in a way that has nothing to do with his mini-run. He still has the war paint on and he can feel it dripping down his face. They stare at each other and there’s an awkward silence and something akin to hope in Gerard’s eyes. He moves to the side, Bert enters through the gate, and he must’ve thrown himself at Gerard because suddenly he’s in his arms, clinging for dear life. Gerard laughs softly, but it’s guarded as well.
“Come on,” Gerard says into his hair. They sit behind the main stage, and look out towards the people wandering around. Some are stopped at the fence, watching them. He doesn’t care.
“How was the show?”
Gerard’s arms are stretched out behind him, leaning on his palms and feigning casual. Bert knows he feels just as on edge as he is. “Was good. Had to stop a fucking song again, though. These kids are insane.”
Bert laughs, thinking back to last year’s Warped. “Yeah.”
“I heard you were doing that drum thing.”
Bert looks down and away, masking the wave of hurt. So Gerard knew. He really has no right to be upset, since it isn’t as if he’s been going over to Gerard either. Until now. “Yeah.”
Bert can feel Gerard’s eyes on him. “How is that?”
He still won’t look. “Fuckin’ awesome, man. Hate that there’s only one day left. It’s exactly what I’ve needed about now.” He jumps at the feel of a finger on his cheek.
“I like the paint,” Gerard says, almost dreamily, lightly stroking. “How you holding up – um. After the 4th and all?”
Bert shrugs. “I dunno. Still sorta surreal she isn’t here. That I could’ve had a kid right now. Fuck, whatever, man.” He feels too vulnerable and he wants Gerard to stop looking at him. Yet, this is what he asked for when he went over, so maybe he should be brave for once.
He kicks at the ground and rubs his palm over his jeans in nervous strokes. “I missed you.” The words are perhaps too low or too fast and he really fucking hopes Gerard heard him because he can’t repeat it. If Jepha were here, he’d be pushing him into Gerard like a little kid who has to say he’s sorry. In fact, he really hopes Jeph’s otherwise occupied or else that might still happen.
Gerard’s hand catches his still moving one, holding it tightly above the knee. “Missed you, too.”
“I was an asshole.”
Gerard laughs. “Yeah, you were.”
Bert finally looks at him. His eyes are shining even in the dark, soft and happy. He hasn’t seen that in a while. He looks ahead again. Most of the crowd has filtered away. He leans over and kisses Gerard, a serious kiss, like some of the ones he’ll give Quinn onstage, when other people, (and sometimes Quinn as well) think it’s just for fun,. At those times, he’ll kiss him a little longer, lose himself for a second and wish everything wasn’t so completely fucked up and he knows when Quinn feels it too. He’ll suck on his lips, or pant against his face, sometimes even whispers his name. That’s what this kiss is like; private and needy, with the only other guy that could ever compete with Quinn for his heart. And maybe he’ll never have either of them, not really, but he needs to have *something.*
Gerard kisses him back, mouth opening ever so slightly and Bert has to pull back, he knows that, but he’s losing himself in all the times before; before he fucked things up with jealousy and being wasted constantly in front of a guy who can’t stand to see it, and pushing him away for some girl he barely knows. Gerard sighs as Bert pulls away. His eyes are closed, fluttering slightly. When he opens them, he smiles, that same, soft smile and Bert’s heart races all over again.
“I need to go. And Jepha’s probably looking for you.”
“You saw him?”
Gerard grins slyly. “Little while ago. Said you’d be by and to tell you ‘ou’ve finally grown some balls.’”
“Dickhead.”
“I should find the guys.
But, uh, you’ll be in
Bert really doesn’t know when he turned into a teenage girl and tells his stomach to stop with the jumping jacks, thank you very much. “Yeah. Last stop.”
Gerard nods. “Meet me by the bus?” It’s hesitant and unsure and finally, Bert doesn’t feel like such fool.
“Yeah.”
Gerard smiles again and walks backwards, tripping a little, and then laughing in embarrassment. He gives a small wave while turning around. Bert watches Gerard for long minutes until he’s out of sight. He takes a deep breath, thinks about tomorrow, about how this feels like starting over.
He’s ready for it.
[end]