"EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG!"

JASON�S FIRST DAY AT CCHS

�No, son, you can�t take your duffel bag full of Poo!� said Rick. �But dad, people will think I�m weird if I�m not an individual!� said Jason. �Son, no matter what people say or do, you will never be normal, I know it, you know it, and Giga Pet � knows it!� �Fine!� said Jason, �But I will take with me a tangy peach supplement to floss my toes during math.� �OK son, I have a surprise for you.� �What is it?� said Jason. �NEW Cheezwhiz Tooth Paste�!� �YEAH!!!� said Jason with much delight. �OK son, now fart yourself along to school� said Rick. Soon, Jason had reached school filled with groups of conformist teenagers acting very normal. They�d excuse themselves when they�d fart or burp. �They�re too normal!� said Jason �And they laughed at me for pointing at the Almighty Light in the ceiling!� �How cruel!� said Rick. �I can�t have you going to a school with normal people! You will never go to school again!� said Rick, �You can apply for a job at O�Donnalds in the morning.� �O�Donnalds!� exclaimed Jason �Yippy! I can make Poo Burgers and Cocaine McMuffins!� So Jeremiah never went to school again. But soon after he dropped out, he was assassinated by his hamster in his sleep. The whole nation wept. And then came the 2nd Great Depression. Jason�s dad �Rick� was never seen again, except once when they found him in a closet hanging upside down repeating �Jason Poo, Poo� several times.

SELAH!

A NOTE TO THAT GUY

Dear That Guy,

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of Poo, I take a look at my life and I realize that Joey Lawrence is a moron. Why do flies fall in love? Why is that giant Al in my back yard still growing? Lucy is old. Where, oh where did my pizza log go, oh where, oh where could it be? Yesterday, I saw a naked blue dog playing hockey in Canada. This morning, the FBI came up to me asking me if I had seen him, but I told them that JFK is alive and that aliens don�t exist and that they should fire that guy who writes the X-Files. But they told me that they don�t write the X-Files. They told me that it was just a TV show. IT�S A CONSPIRACY! There�s no such thing as TV; the government is lying to us!

I have the Gabriella Chicken Pox. You must not feed me rubber chickens anymore. It causes me to die. I am very saddened by my inability to eat rubber chicken. I hope you will consider this carefully on your trip to India. While you�re in India eating rubber, I�m at home stuck eating Superman Cocoa Puffs and Kevorkio�s� (part of a healthy balanced breakfast!).

Some people call me Superman. Some people just call me �That fat guy who likes Bill Gates�.

Will you marry me? I�m housebroken. You don�t have to answer right away. Think it over.

Your Fianc�,
Jason

THE LIFE OF A COMEDIAN

I hate comedians. I don�t see how you can get rich and famous for standing in a room full of drunken college kids talking about airplane peanuts for an hour and a half. Or talking about why people in grocery stores are idiots and why NYC or LA sucks. Or why their boyfriends don�t please them in bed.

I tried to be a comedian once. A couple years ago, I started doing shows at clubs downtown. I must have been good �cause everywhere I went, people would throw things at me. They�d throw fruit, change, Olympic gold medals, �World�s greatest dad trophies�, and instead of throwing panties at me, they threw diapers. Here�s some of my average routine.

Hello, folks. I just flew in from New York, and BOY IS MY ASS TIRED!!! No, but seriously, New York is a great town� FOR ME TO POOP ON! It�s a crazy town. The other day, I ran into a guy on the street. He told me he hadn�t had a bite in days, so I tore his arm off and clubbed him to death with it to put him out of his misery.

I had grown accustomed to people constantly throwing food at me (more than just the classic tomato). So I decided that I�m too lazy to go to the store and shop, so I�ll just stand here and piss people off for a half-hour and reap the blessings of all this free food. Once, this guy threw me a pink, fuzzy banana-shaped apple that had warts. It looked like an exotic fruit, so I thought I�d take advantage of this rare opportunity to eat this. When I woke up in the hospital, I had been in a coma so long that I�d missed 3 or 4 of my gigs, so my popularity was lowered for being a no-show. And I had to play at beatnik coffeehouses. That was cool! Instead of fruit, I got fancy French coffee (Which I cannot pronounce the name of) thrown at me. I tried as hard as I could to suck, but they kept saying that everything I said was �groovy�. Actually, they were too busy sobering up and screaming and complaining about how the government sucks and �Expressing themselves sexually�.

I guess I�m just jealous because I worked harder than those famous comedians did and I�m not famous. I just want to be worshipped and told that I�m the funniest man alive because I can talk about airplane peanuts for 1 hour and 23 minutes.

WHY IV
RETURN OF COMMERCIALISM

Why do I use this cheap gimmick to commercialize my mind? Why can�t I find Waldo? Why do people yell at you when you sleep in their birdbaths? Why is that pink elephant chasing me? Why isn�t flatulence have it�s own place on the periodic table of elements? Why did my tutu barf on my flag machine? Why does everything turn yellow in the toilet? Why did I spend my yodeling lessons on Virginia�s finest corn? Why would anyone want to adopt me? Why do steaks have those black lines on them? Why does the question �Why� strike fear into the hearts of men? Why does New York have a giant punk girl on one of its islands, and why didn�t King Kong attack her instead of the Empire State Building? Why did Shirley move to Colohoma? Why is my hair all poofed up? Why don�t old people like The Misfits? Why? Why doesn�t Michael Jackson sue Mariah Carrey for stealing his old voice? Why won�t you go out with me? Why is there an �S� in �Lisp�? Why don�t you help me think of more questions? Why don�t you actually think about these questions? Why must I be a teenager in love? Why don�t circus apes wear deodorant? Why don�t you believe me? Why do I care? Why do we have emotions if we can�t control them? Why does God allow us to screw up? Why does everybody hate me? Why do I smell so bad? Why is everybody afraid of me? Why does Morgan have mood swings? Why do I have dreams? Why are you reading this crap? Read better books, such as The Bible. DO IT NOW!

MY ENEMIES

One day, I was walking down the street, when this guy came up to me and said �You $(&# !#$ Faggot!� �I�m going to kill you Mother %&*%$!� I then realized that it was Adam, my mortal enemy, so I killed him. I continued on my walk, and some lunatic jumped out at me screaming and yelling at me, so I hit him as hard as I could in the face. His jaw dropped off. He was so stunned by it that he fell over and died. Then I found out that the lunatic was my other mortal enemy, Nick (The jock kid from Hell) my other sworn enemy. After having murdered two of my mortal enemies, I was pleased with myself and treated myself to a salmonella burger at O�Donnalds. At O�Donnalds, I saw my third enemy, Bill Clinton having lunch with yet another one of my enemies, the King of Africa. I told the king of Africa �Viva La Poo!� and that started an all out brawl. I won and I got arrested for obstruction of the peace with Poo. In jail, I saw my arch nemesis, Bill Gates. He got arrested for making more money than everybody else. I threw my trusty Chia Pet at him. He yelled �Ouch!� and fell over and started to cry. My mommy bailed me out of jail. On the way home, we ran over my last sworn enemy, Dr. Colossissississississ with my Ford Explorer.

I lived happily ever after.

SELAH!

THE NOT-SO-IMMACULATE CONCEPTION OF BILL GATES

Once upon a time, in a village far, far away about 40-some years ago, there lived a man named Sir William Gates II. One day, The angel of light appeared unto Sir William and raised his middle finger and said unto Sir William, �Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a son, and his name will be �Bill�. He will be my servant. He will do my evil bidding.� Then Sir William said to The Devil, �How can this be, since I am a man?� And the Devil answered to him, �Shut up, I am The Devil, I�m all evil and stuff.�

Nine months later, Bill Gates was born.

IT�S TRUE, I SWEAR!!!

Here�s some little known facts which are absolutely true:

Trees grow in the ground! I have never done drugs in my life!!! Contractions were discovered, not invented! Sigmund Freud�s real first name was Shlomo! I�m not gay! My friend�s house is made entirely out of wood! Jack Nicholson isn�t that bad of an actor! Bill Gates is married! He has a child!!! Some fights on The Jerry Springer show get edited out and are never shown!!! I�m cool! (thus sayeth Kathy). There is such a thing as true love! God loves EVERYBODY!!! Even me! Stupid is as stupid I am. I have friends! Cheap wine sucks! I am me. Some people suck, and some people are cool� but some of the people who are cool to you suck to someone else, and some of the people you think suck are cool to someone else. Black is black. Zombies don�t need to go to school. Jesus is Jesus. I know the meaning of life. Jason is Poo. Bob Dole is Bob Dole. Everything is dumb in its own way. Howard Stern is dumb. Anyone who is reading this is weird.

MY MOST MEMORABLE DAY

The most memorable day I ever had was Thursday, October 8, 1998. I remember it as if it were yesterday. I woke up from my coma in the hospital. I walked home, but to when I got there, my parents had deserted me. I think they were just mad because I had been in a coma and I hadn�t come home for dinner 119 times (since Friday, June 11, 1998). Later that day, I ran into my old high school girlfriend, Cameron Diaz. She said she had always loved me and wanted me back, so she asked me out. I had nothing else to do, so I said, �OK�. So I stayed the night at Cameron Diaz�s house. Much later that night, Cam�s old boyfriend, Matt Dillon, came over. He was very drunk and he was yelling at Cam, so I beat the crap out of him and then the neighbors called the cops, but I am the Crimson Ghost, so they never caught me. After that, I took Cameron Diaz and I showed her all there is to see in Ca�on City (which is nothing). And then we did everything there is to do in Ca�on City (which is get drunk and drag Main St.). Then we went to Village Inn to sober up and eventually, we came home at 6:00 in the morning. At least I think it was 6:00, I was too drunk to see the clock.

THE END!

HAIKU
BY JASON ARTHURS

Here I am
I am Jason
Pay attention to me

You stupid Eskimo
Your patio is in the way of my cheesecake
You stupid Eskimo

�Jason is cool�
Thus sayeth Cathy
I like Cathy

Babies annoy me
They cry when I try to sleep & poop a lot
I wish I was a baby

High School sucks
It is boring
I am displeased with it

I am a liar
I am a thief and a crook
I think I will run for senate

Kenny is my hero
But he dies every week
I miss him already

God, make me weak
That you may grow strong in me
Lord, fill me up

Girls are mean
But so are men
Girls are worse

Girls are dumb
I can�t understand them
They�re nucking futs

Ich bin Poo
Ich bin hungrig
Bitte bringen me mir k�se

Satan is a jerk
But he cannot break me
I have faith in my God

Where is my toothbrush?
Oh no!
I think the dog ate it!


THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

Once upon a pig, there were three piggy little pigs. They were pig and fat. Each of the pigs were supposed to build a house or something.
The first pig was too lazy to build a house, so he went on 20/20 and gave Barbra Walters the biggest pity story he could make up. He told her about how he had run away from his farmer father because he wanted to eat him. He was whimpering about his �traumatic childhood�. He complained about how he was poor and how he was forced to live in a pig sty. Well, about a month later, a bunch of selfless kind people wrote in letters about how they felt sorry for him and they wanted to help in any way they can. So the pig thought to himself, �this is my chance, I can get these suckers to build me a house, while I sit on my piggy little ass and sulk to make them feel even more sorry for me�. OK, to make a long story short, this little piggy suckered hundreds of kind people into building him a house with their own money because he was selfish and lazy. He lived the rest of his life cheating the government, stealing from those less fortunate than he, breaking the law, married to a beautiful supermodel, and lived happily ever after.

The second pig rented a room at The Hilton

The third pig was much wiser than the previous pigs. He wanted to build his own house, not one that was built upon pity, and not one that was rented from a cockroach hotel. He worked the hardest of all three pigs. He got his house built. He did it on his own and with his bare hands. Over the next few years, he got married and built a family. By this time, he had invested his money and God had blessed him with many children, a beautiful wife, and so much money, he didn�t know what to do with it. He was so blessed that he decided to devote the rest of his life to reaching the people of the world. After all, God had blessed him so much, he owed his entire life to God, so he spent the rest of his life as a missionary, building houses for the poor, and giving all his money away. He slaved for people he didn�t know just because he had love in his heart.

20 YEARS LATER:

The first pig had divorced and married 7 times. He lived a sinful, adulterous life. And he lived happily for the rest of his life because he cheated those like his brother who were kind and selfless and would give anything for someone who just doesn�t give a damn. But he did live happily for the rest of his life� UNTIL HE DIED AND WENT TO HELL!

The second pig was a recluse. He slept through most of the twenty years. He lived for free in The Hilton because he was in �the roach room�. But he didn�t mind, because he slept 20 hours a day. The other 4 hours were devoted to eating food and relieving himself.

The third pig lived a life of pain and suffering. His wife was killed in the middle east for her faith in God. His kids were killed in Africa by smallpox. He died at the age of 32 of a deadly mosquito bite after he had planted churches in 5 different countries and brought hundreds of people to God.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

In life, you can do one of three things:

You can be lazy, let others do the work, and ignore God, and take the easy way through life,

You can sleep the away the day and forget that you even have a life,

OR you can be like the third little pig. The third pig was the only one who truly realized the truth in life; that God is love. If it wasn�t for people like the third little pig who cared not about themselves, people would never get a chance to hear about Jesus. Even though the only people you may be helping are those like the 1st pig, who are only using you, you�re still helping, and it will give you a chance to show love and be selfless. As for his suffering, it says in The Bible that the right path is long and hard. Do you think it was easy for Jesus to live a pure and completely sinless life?

WHAT WE LEARN FROM TV
Part 1

*The 6:00 News:

TV doesn't cause violence; violence causes TV

Weathermen are psychics, (that is why they're always wrong)

The more I watch the local news, the more I realize that my town sucks

*Commercials:

Buying any kind of product will increase your chances of getting chicks

Beer will fill you up and never let you down.  It also enables frogs and lizards to speak!

As soon as you put on a pair of Lev's jeans, you'll be swamped by beautiful, sexy women.

"Part of a healthy balanced breakfast" doesn't always mean part of a healthy balanced breakfast.

*Infomercials:

If you order now, you'll get the Pocket Fisherman Chopper for free; A $300 value for $29.95!

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