People Named Jason Should be Shot and Killed

"Sometimes I think too hard and I wet my pants. Sometimes I think WAY too hard and I wet my neighbor's pants" -Jason Arthurs
 

Thanxgiving! (foreword and thanks)
First I would like to tell a little bit about the book. I wrote this for my English class because they made us keep a journal and everyday, I wrote some stupid crap that was just to piss my teacher off! Well, I hope you enjoy. I don't want to piss you off, but if I do, I'm sorry. I would like to thank my friends, my fiends, my algebra teacher, Wayne Newton, my enemies, Richard Nixon's enemies, God, and that guy who starred with me on my short-running TV series, "That Dumb Fat Guy Who Lives Next Door" (which was canceled shortly after the first season), and the directors of my favorite movies, "Pantsless Wonder: The Peewee Herman Story" and "Barney The Dinosaur Gets Sued for Sexual Harassment"
Anyway, this is something I wrote at thanksgiving. It's just some thankyous.

Josh Hitt would like to thank that fat guy for subscribing to the paper while I moved to France and bought Champaign.

Anyway, I have everything to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Though my life may suck, I'm thankful I have a life. Though people may hate me, I'm thankful that I have friends that stand by me and love me. I'm thankful for my box that I live in. I'm thankful for adobe. I'm thankful for my right eye. (and to my left eye, I didn't for get you). I'm thankful for the few really cool chicks that don't hate me.... much. I'm even thankful for those who do hate me. And yes, I'm even thankful for Bill Gates... somewhat. I'm thankful for Bing Crosby. And the guy in those old oatmeal commercials, the oatmeal guy. I'm thankful for chicks. I'm thankful for chicks. I'm N O T thankful for chicks' parents, but I am thankful for chicks. I'm thankful for chicks. I' thankful for chicks who have blue eyes or black hair. I'm thankful for shampoos. I'm thankful for the yellow brick road. But MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'm thankful for God. I'm thankful that He loves me for who I am, whoever I may be. I'm thankful that God doesn't pick favorites. I'm thankful that He's given me this life with my friends and a purpose for living.

I am NOT thankful for JNCO's or Windows 98.

A young High Schooler's View

As I'm sitting in my Algebra I start thinking to myself... Is this what I've waited 9 years of school for. The final day that I come to school just to be made fun of. To find out that High School is nothing like what I expected. My first day of High School. The opportunity of a lifetime... WASTED! What a crappy way to earn a diploma. I already hate this school. I hate High School not because of the teachers or the work, but because of how I'm treated. By the staff, by the principal and worst of all, by the students. I HATE teachers because they give me little to no respect. I HATE Freshman because they think they own the place. I HATE the principal because he doesn't believe that we can do anything he gives us to do. He thinks this whole generation is wasted. And he may be right, but I still hate him. He sucks and he thinks he can relate to us. He can't he doesn't know what it's like to deal with this crap!

Chapter one
If I could rule the world

If I could rule the world... I would. In fact, I already do. I've ruled over half the U.S., Canada, and parts of Africa for several years. In the future, I will run 3/4 of the people in Washington out and give them all homes in my new country. As of now, Washington belongs to the U.S., but we are now at war to gain the dependence of Washington. I will leave Mike, Yuri, and Tom of MxPx in their hometown of Bremerton and rename Washington MxPxBerg.

The reason that I've failed to do this in the past is because of that stupid, insolent jackass, Bill Gates. He is so rich and powerful that he could destroy us all! And the stupid American Government won't help me in my conquest of Bill Gates because they don't feel him as a threat. But regardless of this, I feel confident that Bill and his stupid, evil empire will fall as all great empires have fallen.

Chapter 2
The Day of Your Explicit Chihuahua

Now every once in a while, we like to sit and participate in the spiritual Day of Your Explicit Chihuahua. This is a day where everyone sits and talks to some stupid, obscene radio disc jockey. And who better than Howard Stern? And then you got the whole Freak Bandwagon. You got Howard Stern, Marilyn Manson, Dennis Rodman, Michael Jackson, Peewee Herman, Jerry Springer, and his panel of white trash, inbred, freaks. Then Howard Stern says some stupid stuff about sex... as usual. Then he will say some stupid, idiotic, pointless thing, like "Blah, blah, blah, lesbians, sex, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sex, lesbians, &%#&*, sex, sex, lesbians, blah,blah, blah". Then Marilyn Manson will bite everyone's head off. Then Marilyn Manson will die of a drug overdose.

Chapter 3
What school needs

What school really needs nowadays is me. I can really fix up high schools in America. 1st, you could make all the students not be assholes. If I could run the school, I would give the students coffee. I would teach kids that evolution is bullshit. Then I would overrun the schools with monkeys. Then I would change History. Christopher Columbus would have sailed to Uranus rather than Hispa�ola. All the 42 presidents would have been monkeys. Thomas Edison would have invented the pitchfork, not the light bulb. Abe Lincoln would have been killed by a heart attack fearing that the country would be as bad as it is now. Then I would hire Spanish teachers who actually knew Spanish.

And also, I would make all schools be in Canada. We need to replace all the janitors and office staff with monkeys. And give the monkeys a raise. If I had it my way, the whole school would just be 1 giant monkey. 'Cause then the monkeys would tell you too, evolution is bullshit!

Chapter 4 Stupid Questions

What pisses me off the most is when stupid people come up to me and ask me stupid questions. Now, I'm a normal person. I try to live my life like a normal kid. I go to school. I eat, I sleep, I wet my pants every Friday, I have a fetish for Axes. I can regurgitate my own vomit. I wash behind my ears, I can write my name in the snow just like any other warm-blooded American. So it bothers me when people ask me "Why are you so weird?" It pisses me off that people ask me "What's Poo?" I mean your in High School you idiots!!! Get a life! You should know this stuff by now. And the stupidest question yet, "Where's your box that you live in?" I told you once, and I'll tell you again. I LIVE IN A BOX!!! How do you spell Tucson? So you wanna know where my box is or what Poo is or why I'm so weird, read The Bible. It's a good book. It teaches that God loves you no matter who you are. God loves you if you live in a box. God loves you if you fucking cuss. God loves you if you can't write your name in the snow. God doesn't give a crap what Poo is. God doesn't care if you are weird. God is awesome.

Chapter 5
America's Problem

The problem with America today is... people like you who complain and argue about the problems rather than trying to solve it. And the hypocrisy used in doing so. Even an idiot SHOULD know that before you can change America, you gotta look at yourself. Now I could sit and talk about the problems of America for hours, but the more important question rather than "What's wrong with America today" is "What's wrong with me?" and "Who am I to point the blame at society?". How is complaining about America going to helping to change it? IF everyone asks these questions, there won't be a problem with America. You want to know the problem? The problem is that we all cast the blame on others. We rot in our own independence. We are independent from others, therefore we can blame them. We think to ourselves, "If this is a free country, I can blame it on others." Now we all know that there's many problems with America. But really, What is America? America is people. I'm a person. So, therefore, what's the problem with me!? You want to know. You ask the question "How can I change America?" Well, you are America. How can you change yourself?

Chapter 6
Love Crap
My darling, there is no fire greater than the fire burning in my heart for you... except maybe the one in my kitchen that's burning down my house as we speak... uh, I gotta go.

For you, my beloved, I would do anything. I would even kill Bill Gates!!! Please, ask me to kill Bill Gates! Please, come on, I'll do it, just for you. Come on, just ask me. I'll do it. C'mon, ask me. Please ask me, c'mon, just ask me.

My love, you are as lovely as any of God's creations. Except potatoes. Or is that a creation of man? Well, it's a plant, so it's definitely better than being in love with you. Or something like that.

My dear, I love you more than I love getting sulfuric acid pored over my face. I love you more than I would if someone cut off all my skin and put me in a swimming pool full of salt. I would rather be with you than be beaten to death with a sledgehammer. You are more beautiful than the butt of a rotting walrus carcass.

I love you sooo much 'cause you're popular and you wear JNCO jeans and NIKE shirts. You're cool 'cause you're a cheerleader; you wear small skirts and clothes 4 sizes too small without wearing a bra. Who cares if you've had sex with everybody on the football team, the faculty, and the volleyball team, being seen with you makes me popular!!!

*****In deepest love, (of love itself) *****Jason Arthurs

DUH... I'M A MORON

A long time ago, Wes and I went to McDonnald's in the toy department. We bought a bunch of "Whiskey the Poo" dolls. Then the pool started filling with helicopters (this was after they had chased my dad) and there was a whole different family in my house. And the bum dude started screaming Catholic crap. Then Wal-Mart got really big and really dark. Wes ate the free stuff and I left. I tried dragging Wes back home, but he wanted more pudding. I got depressed and I walked home all sad and gloomy. Then I ran into Cheese Boy!!! I'd never been happier to see her. But much to my surprise (and dismay) she had gotten plastic surgery and turned into a slut. I couldn't believe it! It sucked! And then for some odd reason, we ran into Denver, so we went to a Marilyn Manson concert. It sucked! He kept peeing on us! He was bleeding all over us! He was being extremely rude, he even wrote all over my hockey mask and my 12-string guitar. He was really starting to piss me off, and finally, I had no other choice, I had to get him to stop, so I punched him in the face! I beat the crap out of Marilyn Manson!

Then me and Cheese Boy went and did cool stuff and we both lived happily ever after... despite the fact that we were both severely depressed and never achieved true happiness (in fact, Cheese Boy was so depressed one day, she attempted suicide and got put in the crazy house). This was due to the whole Wal-Mart incident.

Selah

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