Night of the Living Monkey
By Jason Arthurs
This Book is dedicated to all my friends. 'Cause friends are important if you plan to be popular. And as we all know, being popular is more important that serving God or having real emotions.
"I am NOT a crook"
Cast:
Jason Arthurs: Author
Josh Hitt: Other Writer Guy
Brandon Gloom: Illustrations, Writer, etc.
Mom: Food Lady
Everyone else sucks.
NOTE: If you are experiencing technical difficulties, please DO NOT return this book as it may cause me to have less money!
Foreword and Thanx
This book is just a bunch of stuff that I put together for a friend.
Thanks to Wes, Brandon, Mirranda, Morgan, Josh Hitt, Brandon, Kenny, Robby, Mel Gibson, Pinky and The Brain, Chicks, Stupid People, MxPx, Blah, Buddy Roofus, Instant Lunch, The other Bands, leather, chains, Chicks, Attention Deficit Disorder, My mommy, My Lawyer, Old People, food, And last, but not least, (and most importantly), God, my Father.
NO THANKS TO: Bill Gates, smart people, George the Dead Guy, Chick's Brains, Nick, Charles, Adam, abortion, America, Bill Clinton, People, my brain, cinnamon, Evil Guys, Bill Gates, Satan, Marilyn Manson, Charles Manson, The Museum of Natural History, Bill Gates Lawyer, Lex Luthor, Jay Leno, Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Gates' momma, sin, Matt Dillon, Chicks' parents, and other stuff that I DON'T like.
Chapter 1
Quotable Quotes
"Never eat anything covered in gravy unless you know what's under it" -The Chick from Nevada
"Give me liberty or give me a $1.99 buffet in a Las Vegas casino" -Jeremiah Jason Arthurs
"Throughout my school years, I've learned alot. I've learned to love, I've learned to live, I've learned a bunch of useless stuff about how to diagram prepositional phrases" -J. Jason Arthurs
"To all those going to High School next year, remember to wear clothes, they are important. And if you get caught eating your own shoe, jump out the window" -Kane Smaller
"The human heart was meant to pump blood... girls were meant to suck it." -Jason Arthurs
"Hi how are you?" -Satan
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman" -Bill Clinton
"I did not inhale" -Bill Clinton
Chapter 2
Bill Clinton's *AUTHENTIC* Routine Daily Schedule
11:30 A.M. Wake Up
12:00 Return Home
12:30 Eat Egg McMuffin
1:00 P.M. Remove beer bottle from ass
1:30 Pick up Hillary from Whorez New Mexico
2:00 Unlock Chelsea
2:30 Rape Sox
3:00 Have scheduled affair with intern
3:30 Have affair with former president George Bush
4:00 Kill off President of Cuba
4:30 Hose down self
5:00 Practice trying to say "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" without laughing.
5:30 Load up bong
7:00 Wake up
7:30 Put on Clothes
8:00 Take time to figure out who's in my shower
8:30 Unlock Hillary
9:00 Prepare another apology to fellow Americans speech.
9:30 Learn to read
10:00 Lock up family, put sheet over Al Gore
11:00 Tattoo Monica
12:00 Go to bed
Chapter 3
Action Figgrs
Here is a list of the action figures I plan to make as soon as I can get some money.
BARBIES:
You may not know this, but the barbies you currently give to your children, preferably girls, may teach your children bad habits and standards such as being beautiful is more important than anything or having a beautiful boyfriend will make me popular or I'm small so little children can fondle me and not get sued for sexual harassment.
With today's society, it is necessary to teach the children of today how this society works. These "Politically Correct" Barbie dolls will show our children all about society today.
High School Drop Out Barbie, Cross dressing Ken, Crackhead barbie, Pothead Ken, Breast Implant Barbie, XXX Porno Ken, Strip Joint Barbie, Hangover Ken, Whore Barbie ("Pimpin' Ken" sold seperately), "Alternative Lifestyle Ken, Anorexic Barbie, Beer Belly Ken, Sex Discrimination Barbie, Transexual Ken, Baby Boomer Barbie, Chia Ken, Minimum Wage Barbie, Commie Ken.
POO ACTION FIGURES:
For Any of you who have ever read my past book, and have wondered about these characters, you must have these figures.
Jason Arthurs with special Stupid abilities
Jason Arthurs With Chainsaw, hockey mask, and decapitated head
Bearded Lady with bananas and potatoes
Cameron Diaz with mace and restraining order
Bill Gates with my ex-girlfriend
Bill Gates with not so special sucky action
Bill Clinton with Monica Lewinsky doll (who also has sucking action)
Bri with police and a lawyer
Dead Guy with dead chick
Egg McMuffin with coffee and that annoying lady who sued McDonnalds because "Her coffee was too hot"
Chapter 4
Jason's Hit List
Poo Productions does not endorse, encourage, or practice violence. Poo Productions strongly discourages violence or hostility towards anybody. We also discourage peace though. I often times talk about hating Bill Gates, but I would never kill him. Violence is wrong. (I used to go around killing a buncha people in a hockey mask until I became a Christian and read the Bible which says "Thou shalt not kill" which meant that murder was like, very wrong). Violence is senseless and pitiful. However, this is a list of people that we wouldn't mind loosing. But in order to practice what we preach and not become hypocrites, all we can do about it is whine at them like babies and act like immature preppies.
1. Bill Gates
2. Charles Manson
3. Marilyn Manson
4. Bill Gates
5. My Principal
6. Bill Gates
7. Bill Clinton
8. Jerry Springer
9. Bill Gates
10. Charlies around the world
11. Jerry Seinfeld
12. Jay Leno
13. Bill Gates
14. Adam
15. White people who think they're black
16. Hippies
17. Bill Gates
18. People named "Jason"
Chapter 5
Business Tips
If you are planning to go into the small business world, it is rough. Believe me, I know, Poo Productions started out as a small business, and now, it is the single largest pornography magazine distribution in America (Take that, Playboy). So if you want to go from small businesses to a large business, we here at Poo Productions would like to offer some business tips.
When dealing with monkeys, don't bother to use censorship.
Respect ALL Weasels.
Don't make fun of your partner's baby pictures. Also, do not go to the extreme to attain them.
Don't call your partner's daughter a "Hot Mamma".
DO NOT make out with your partner's wife during meetings.
Don not sexually harass your secretary. (Believe me, I speak from much experience on this one).
It is not necessary to have a naked lady on your business logo.
It is not necessary to have naked ladies all over your office.
Don't inhale
Wear Pants during business meetings.
Wear the bra UNDER your shirt. (Especially you men, it distracts customers).
Always return your partner's toupee.
Chapter 6
Government Suckisms
We Pay taxes for the stupidest things. They use it to feed, clothe, and house prisoners who killed in cold blood. They let the accused go free. They kill murderers in the electric chair and they support abortion, the death of "Hopeless & useless" children. They use tax money to fund Bill Clinton's ideas which are just money laundering ideas. They use it on whores. They use it to pay of the fat cats in congress to pass their bills giving themselves more money and pushing on a wheel of greed. They use it to buy their dates dinner while they're out cheating on their wives who are at home waiting for their husband's term to run out so that they can divorce them. They spend so much money on unnecessary stuff. They cover children in school with guns and violence teaching the only violence and sex while supposedly "Protecting" them from Christianity. You can't teach Christian morals in schools; so children grow up to become those same sniveling, cheating, government gurus that made them. They took the Bibles out of the schools, that's bad enough. The least they could do is teach Christian morals. Now school has become "Neutral Territory" when it comes to religion. And even this "Neutral Territory" is being secured in its sin by teaching kids stupid ideas like evolution or the big bang. With Christianity out of the way, all the government has to do is sit and watch us destroy ourselves with sin, anarchy, and violence.
Chapter 7
A VERY Interesting Story
Once there was a woman. And that is how clothes were invented
Chapter 8
A Happy Story
Once upon a time (two weeks ago), in a land far, far away (The Kwik Stop), there was a young boy named Jeremiah. Jeremiah had no life. He sucked. He sat at the kwik Stop waiting for popular people to come and make fun of him. He sat around all day drinking slurpees and soaking up insults from cruel High School kids from the next city. One day, Jeremiah decided to go to the next city. It was a busy place filled with the hustle of mindless city kids in a hurry to get nowhere. A farm boy like Jeremiah would never fit in. He stood out like dog crap in a new Blue Suit. This city was not used to the odd behavior of Jeremiah. So it made them happy to sit and watch him make a fool of himself and then laugh at him because he was different
Jeremiah was happy too. For the first time he was popular. His "Poo Talk" had made him a hit amongst the mindless stupid High Schoolers. He got married to a blond Asian girl who always called him Robbert. And they lived happily ever after...
Until they got divorced the next week. Because he was no longer popular because of the stupid trends that the idiots at the High School set, no one liked him anymore. The Blond Asian Chick left Jeremiah for Bill Gates. Jason was depressed and got stuck paying alimony for the rest of his life. (Which wasn't very long). Jeremiah was sad. But everyone else was happy in their pointless trend-setting lives
Selah!
Chapter 9
Batman: The Legacy
The Comics
OK, they're cool when you're a kid (sort of). But as you get older, you get less interested. And as they get older, they get stupider and less believable. The last time I read a comic book was when they did the whole Bane thing. I'm not sure what happened. I think they killed Bruce Wayne off or something. What I hate is all those stupid branch-offs of Batman like Nightwing or Catwoman. Superman has, like, 8 different comic series. It's depressing. It's boring. Get it off.Batman: The Movie
This was a kick-ass movie. It was highly anticipated and everybody liked it. I mean, come on man, Jack Freaking Nicholson. What else do I have to say?Batman Returns
This was all right. It was stupid and cheesy, but it had Keaton, ya gotta give 'em that.Batman Forever
This was cooler and more gothic that the others. Jim Carrey was cool. The Riddler is my favorite villain. Being the Keaton fan that I am, I was pissed off at Joel Schumacher for casting Val Kilmer. And Chris O'Donnel!!! What the Hell?!? You might as well not have Robin at all. And they put nipples on the Batsuit! I mean, what the Hell was that?Batman And Robin
I can honestly say that this is the worst cheesiest movie of ALL TIME! I mean three movies is enough. What are you trying to prove? You can't beat Superman. These are just a few things that I think are wrong about the movie.Things always explode for no apparent reason. Even if there's nothing explosive in them. Like Steel and rocks.
What happened to the old Robin. You know the Buddhist one that thought everything was Holy. The "Holy masturbating monkeys, Batman" one.
Good actors like Arnold and Uma (George was never a good actor) waste their talent on stupid movies like this. You're better than this. At least Uma & Arnold are. I think they made them act terribly on purpose. Just look at the movie and how poorly they act! And they did something I didn't think was possible, they made Uma Thurman look stupid and unattractive. She's actually annoying in that movie
Bane doesn't look as cool as he does in the comics. He looks like some out of work, overweight, overpaid retired WWF wrestler.
Stupid puns and phrases that are supposed to be funny. Like "Freeze in Hell, Batman" (Mr. Freeze). It has NOTHING to do with the old comic books.
Stupid people made it.
They explain things that are obvious. And explaining things that we didn't need to know. Like telling us that there's a fire in a building when it's right in front of our faces. And not only that, but also explaining to us every single scientific detail about why matches burn.
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