You Have Been Fagged

By Jason Arthurs

Skull

You Have Been Fagged!

by
Jason Arthurs

This book is dedicated to Kenny, the greatest superhero of all time.

Forward & Thanx

Greetings Chums! This is my *NEW* book! It's been a while, hasn't it! Well, I have an excuse; They tried to put me in a crazy house again and came pretty darn close to succeeding. But I won't let it get me down! Thee joy of thee lord is my strength and my sense of humor is my escape from the Hell that is reality. Anyway, this is my new book and IT HAS A THEME!!!! Nonconformity! Most of these chapters are from a class of mine or something where they tried to make me conform! NO! JASON THE GREAT WILL NOT BE SILENCED! Oh, one more thing: in case any of you are too stoopid to realize it, 98 per cent of this book is sarcasm.

Well, I would like to thank the following people (if you can call them that): Chris (the crazy sideburns man), Mirranda (The Devil), Wes (The Chick Magnet... of the millennium), Kenny (The Guy W/Nothing Special To Mention Him By), Cathy, Brandon, Robby & his creepy family (no offense), Emily, John Henson, My Pancreas, Cassie & Carly, Kriya, Anthony Hopkins (formerly known as "Prince"), fellow members of the Anti-Yahoo!-Association, that crazy NRA guy, and finally, Jesus. Thank you for being the lover of my soul! You mean everything to me!

What I Did For My Summer Vacation

This summer, I saved Canada from Polish invaders and for a reward, they locked me up in a Canadian maximum-security prison where they fed me maple syrup and French Canadians. They wrote in Arabic on my back (which is odd for Canadians, if you ask me). I made ashtrays and sold them to little French girls in exchange for plaid underwear. Then I brushed my teeth, so they let me out of prison. They gave me a kitty. He dug his claws into my skin (and I still have him on my back to this day). I don't remember much after that. I remember waking up in my front yard with a bunch of cows and bulls and potholes all over my lawn. So I must have had an interesting summer.

Here's a few things I learned over my summer vacation:

1. Don't talk to opinionated people
2. Never, never argue with a Gothic
3. Don't steal flags
4. Stay the hell away from the female sex
5. Don't mess with nuclear warheads
6. Televisions weren't meant to be worn as hats
7. Chiropractors don't accept diapers as payment
8. Be thankful for the little things in life, like the fact that you're not
John F. Kennedy
9. True love lasts forever... but so does the misery that comes with it

My Secret Love Life

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I was in a relationship with a nice young man from Arkansas. It was a relationship that really meant nothing to him. He was a married man. Eventually, he became the president of the US. We grew to love each other... at least that's what he told me. We exchanged flowers, candies, wives, and stained dresses. I thought the relationship was fulfilling.

But little did I know that he was cheating on me! While I was home slaving over a hot stove, he was out in his "Oval Funkhouse" having an "improper relationship" with my sister, Monica.

He broke my heart. I never felt the same since. I loved my sister. And she was defiled by that back-stabber! It wasn't fair! He was MY boyfriend. But I got right back at him. I was just using him to get to his other estranged lover, Al Gore.

But now, I'm happy. I ratted him out, and now me and my lover, Al live happily in the White House.

I apologize for the stoopid ads in this book. I can't control them, they're starting to get into my book via the inter net without permission.

From The Makers of Brittney Spears, comes the newest insignificant fad:

Your Inner Child

The newest teen-bop sensation that's
soon to be #1 on the TRL countdown!

With such Billboard chart-toppers as:
"Uncle Phil Touched Me" &
"Daddy Told Me Kitty Was Dead"

A Love Story About Viagra

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Jason. Jason was a youthful, playful teenager. He was the most energetic, hyper young man that you ever did see. Well, one day, Jason was outside in his backyard/swamp playing Duck-Duck-Goose by himself, when he was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his life. She was wrestling with God. Jason was caught in an instant trance of love right away. Jason felt warm and gushy inside just looking at her. His heart was hers. Over the course of the next week or so, Jason saw his beloved and fought with himself not to go and talk to her. He was afraid of seeming foolish. Well, one day, Jason was burying his head in the sand when the beautiful young girl came up to him and asked him his name. "MMMFF FF FMM FMMM" said Jason. Then he took the sand out of his mouth. "My name is Jason, what's yours?" "Megan" said the girl. "I love you!" she suddenly blurted out. They were both so embarrassed that they ran away from each other back to their homes.

The next day, Jason went out running down the streets screaming her name to see if she would come out and talk to him. Then he realized that there was probably a better time to look for her other than 3:00 in the morning. So he went to bed and slept. The next morning, Jason was awaken by the doorbell, and upon answering the door, he saw his lover. Jason let out a shriek of joy that would have broke Megan*s ear drums had there not been broccoli in them. "Um, I was kind of uh, well, that is; I was kind of wondering if you would, um, wanting to go get some coffee or something." "That sounds great, let me go get me squirt gun!" said Jason. Two hours later they arrived in Chicago looking for the best coffee place in town. Three hours later they decided to settle for a Starbucks.

Three weeks later they were married with 3 and a half children. Jason was at the prime of his life. He had never been happier. He had a good paying 9-5 job at Microsoft. Then, one day, Jason was talking to his youngest son, Kristen, when he realized that Megan wasn't*t real; she was a figment of Jason's imagination, then he ran outside and got hit by a bus.

THE END

Moral of the story: DON*T INSULT YOUR TAXIDERMIST! HE'S THERE FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND!!!

Why I'm The Best Candidate For President

This chapter was taken from an essay I was told to write about what I learned in the first week of my skills for success class. Obviously, it had nothing to do with the topic and I got an F.

I am the best leader because I am open and I am stern at the same time. I will not abdicate from my morals and beliefs, but I value and consider everyone else's morals and beliefs as well. I should be president of the United States because I am perfect. I am a robot. And I wear my seat belt and I don't drink and drive and I give money to the poor (my friends). And I'm not the least bit conceited. Oh, and I have my name sewn into my underwear. (beat that, Clinton!) And because of all these things I will be a great president.

And remember when you go into the voting booths this November to vote Jason. And also vote yes on proposition 138, making it a new law that you must throw bricks at anyone who is a multi-billionaire nerd that deserves to die and anyone who is a goalie for the Dallas Stars (i.e. Bill Gates and Ed Belfour).

War on The Stereotypes

This is an excerpt from a book I am planning to write (but if I end up not writing it, then don't hold this chapter against me).

We are mean people
with mean thoughts.
If you think you are cool,
we will destroy you
and your whole clique.

Jocks: Large brainless farm animals that scream at the smaller species such threats as: "I'll kill you, faggot!", "I'll kill you, queer!", "I'll kill you, gay!", and the one that took all of their Gatorade
(liquid brains) to think of; "I'll kill you homo!".
They are usually run in packs of 12 when in fights against one
weak, helpless person, and then go home and brag about how
brave and strong they were. They don't talk much since to do
so requires bending over. They love spending time playing
games like "run into each other hard" and "make enemies"
And that's about all.

Therapy stuff

This is something my psychiatrist gave me to fill out so he could analyze me and try to conform me. The stuff in capitals is what the crazy guy wrote and the stuff in lower case is what I wrote. For those of you who don't understand number 6, I have four dogs.

I FEEL SAD WHEN the Avalanche loose

I WISH MY PARENTS KNEW how to work a frigging compooter without constantly having to ask me how they work

WHEN I LIKE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE ME, I cry

WHEN SOMEONE I DON'T LIKE LIKES ME, I cry

THE HARDEST THING ABOUT BEING MALE IS falling in love with a female

I WEAR THE KIND OF CLOTHES I DO BECAUSE I enjoy the sight of dog hair on black clothes

THINGS WOULD BE BETTER IN MY FAMILY IF I was the only one in it.

ONE OF MY SCARIEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES IS when The Wolfman ate my little brother. What's that you say? I don't have a little brother? Well not anymore, you insensitive prick!

WHEN SOMEONE I LIKE DISAGREES WITH ME, I stick pins in a voodoo doll of him/her
I LIKE lycanthropy

THE HAPPIEST TIME for dinosaurs is 9:30 at night

IN SCHOOL there's dumb people

I HATE dancing BECAUSE it requires movement

I NEED love

I AM BEST WHEN heated to 350 degrees and served with chicken

I HATE people

THE ONLY TROUBLE is that there's always more trouble

I SEEM TO GET MY WAY WHEN I try

THE BEST THING ABOUT LIFE IS God

THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ME IS to die and go to Heaven.

WHEN I STAND UP FOR MYSELF PEOPLE sit down

IF I COULD CHANGE 1 THING ABOUT MYSELF I probably wouldn't

THAT I NEED MOST FROM OTHER PEOPLE IS for them to be themselves

Here's another stoopid ad. Once again, I apologize.

Got Peanut Butter and jelly?
Yes, That's Right, grab a PBJ.
It's what's for dinner.

Yes, you can truly count on PBJ to fulfill the lust of your stomach!

You Can Use PBJ:
1) as a light snack
2)as defense in case of sneak attack by zombie nazis
3)for lower back support
4)in first aid box
5)as a door stop
6)as a bookmark
7)as postage
8)and as bribery!

And the best part about PBJ is VARIETY!!
Here's just a few ways to eat a scrumptious PBJ:
Crusted, De-crusted, W/Ranch Dressing, PBJ on rye, Your Own Bled, and MANY, MANY Other options

WARNING:

A PBJ is NOT to be used as a hockey puck

How To Write A Book

I was instructed by my Freshman English teacher to do an informative speech, and I chose to do it on writing a book. This was my outline. I think I passed that class with a C. Once again, this is mostly sarcasm.

I. Stereotype everyone
*A. Everyone deserves to be made fun of
*B. Pointing out other people's faults will take the focus off your own faults.
*C. Being popular is more important than anything else.
II. Make Fun of Everyone
*D. People are stoopid today and they need to be made fun of
*E. Making fun of those different from you makes you
* popular among your friends
*F. Make fun of stupid wannabes
**1. watch the morons drag main street trying to look bad in front of their friends
**2. be careful, they can beat you up
III. Don't be like Dennis Miller
*A. Only stupid writers talk about politics
*B. Everyone already knows about politics
IV. Never use "proper" English
V. Use the "Dick And Jane Method" to fill up empty space (See example)
*A. Use big fonts
*B. People are too stoopid to read normal font sizes
VI. Use subliminal messages, like "Buy My Book"
VII. An educated reader is your worst enemy
VIII. Publish your book with Poo Productions

Example of the "Dick And Jane" method

SEE DICK

SEE JANE

SEE THE MORON WRITING THIS BOOK!

The Stoopidest things ever said

Walk on the sidewalk, dammit! That's what God made them for!
- A stoopid guy

Mustard is Not a Crime!
-A failed skateboarding slogan

The mouse is inside the Devil!
-Cathy

Behold! The year of the plunger is upon us!
-A plunger

Your sister is a liar! She grasps my heel!
-Jason & Wes

Because you're drunk fork in hair.
-A drunk guy

I bet I can beat you at arm wresting.
-A dumb guy (to Wes)

I bet I can kick you in the face!
-Wes responding to a dumb guy

Must eat brains
-Al Gore (who incidentally is the worst politician ever!)

One shot'll do it!
-Robby

Poo!
-Jason Arthurs

Oops! I Did It Again
by Britney Spears

Oops! I did it again
I made you believe that I'm not Satan,
Oh Baby

I might seem like I'm nice
But it doesn't mean that I'm not the prince of lies
Because to loose all your senses
That is just so typical of you,
Oh baby, you moron!

:Chorus:
Hah! You did it again!
I played with your mind and sucked out your brain
Oh baby, baby
Hah! You think that I'm good!
You don't know that I suck!
I'm not that intelligent!

You see your problem is this: you're wasting your life
Wishing that you were my love slave
You buy, wasting your bucks
'Cause you're such a freaking fool and you don't give a (expletive)
And to waste all your money
That's just so typically you
Oh baby, you moron!

Hah! You did it again,
you wasted your your bucks and you wasted your brains
Hah! You think that I'm good, but you don't know that I suck
YOU're not that intelligent!