"Lance, isn't it a little early to be answering your fan mail?" she groggily teased. Lance laughed and the shower of his finger hitting the keyboard continued.
"Ness, it's eleven thirty in the morning. Isn't it a little too early to be arguing?" he questioned.
Vanessa laughed and opened her eyes. The golden rods of sun flooded through the blinds, enlightening the entire hotel room. There Lance sat, fully dressed in a pair of red, Abercrombie nylon warm-up pants and a white T-shirt, gazing intently into his flickering laptop screen. The argument of last night had been forgotten and pushed aside and jovial dispositions were in place for both Vanessa and Lance.
Vanessa arose and sauntering over to Lance, clad in a matching shorts and tank top pajama set, wrapped her arms around his neck.
Lightly kissing his cheek, she responded: "You're right. It's way to early for arguments." He stopped typing and tore his eyes away from the screen, returning her kiss.
"You know it."
Vanessa rolled her eyes and then focused her eyes on the screen. A scowl passed over her face as she read the heading, My Dearest Lance. Vanessa stepped away from Lance, as though he were the black plague and flopped face first onto the unmade bed.
"Let me guess, the letter's from your biggest fan. A certain blond named..oh let me guess, Bridget Prayleen."
Lance sighed and quickly pushed down the screen, fixating all his attention on Vanessa.
"I thought I told you I was going to handle it." Vanessa's sarcastic laugh was muffled from the pillow.
"Handle it? Looks like you have NO idea what you're doing at all. If this is what you call in control, I'd hate to see you when you're out of control."
"Look, this isn't your business!" Lance sharply retorted. Vanessa sat upright, eyes blazing with latent anger.
"This IS my business, Lance! As long as I'm your girlfriend, then I'd say it damn well involves me too! Or have you decided that I'll always and will be just a friend?"
"Damnit Vanessa, do you think your attitude helps the situation? Yes, this dilemma is something that effects you and our relationship. But that's as far as the involvement goes," Lance snapped, beginning to lose his patience.
Tears pricked her eyes and she furiously wiped them away, as though the salty water was burning her skin.
"Lance, I'm about to lose you. Maybe forever. Now, knowing that, I can't sit back and do nothing. I can't stand around and let our relationship crumble to pieces. Years, thrown away. And all because I kept my mouth shut."
Lance silently stared at Vanessa. She reminded him of a little orphan girl; vulnerable and scared. He got up from his chair and sat on the edge of the bed. Her dark chocolate orbs bore into his animated green ones, as if challenging to blink.
"Nessa, you won't lose me. I love you and nothing can come between us. This is stormy weather, this Bridget situation. But it'll pass. And we'll make it through together. I promise," he vowed, no louder than a whisper.
Vanessa peered into Lance's eyes, searching for the truth. It seemed as though Lance wanted to mean what he promised but there was something, an unknown force, a dark cloud holding him back; a regret of somesort? Not desiring to start another verbal conflict, she leaned forward and willingly buried her head in his shoulder.
"I can only hope you're right, Lance. I can only hope," she murmured. Lance kissed her on top of her head. He too, was clearly fed up with fighting.
"Look, I don't know about Gillian, but the guys and I have to run over a few things, this morning, before the show starts. We can do something after that, if you want," he offered, gingerly resting his chin on top of her head.
Vanessa pulled away and gave a slight nod.
"That'd be great. No discussions about Bridget though, right?" she questioned. Lance gave a hollow laugh.
"Right."
"Gillian's rehearsal isn't until two, so I guess I'll just go back to sleep," Vanessa declared, allowing herself to fall backwards onto the comfy bed. Lance laughed and snatched his cell phone and a bottle of Evian off the small, round table across from the two beds.
"Have fun sleeping while I'm working my ass off," Lance joked, heading towards the door. Vanessa gave a short laugh and blew him a kiss.
"Well, baby, that's why you're the singer and I'm the personal assistant," she reasoned with a sugar-sweet smile. Lance smiled, glad to see Vanessa leave behind her display of rage for a kidding mood.
"I'll see you when I get back," he called, opening the door.
"Bye."
With one last glance, Lance stepped out the door and down the hall, letting it shut behind him. Vanessa waited until the sound of his footsteps were but an echo to take action. Springing out of bed like a cheetah spotting its prey, she hurtled over to the computer and flipped up the screen. Lance had forgotten to log off AOL and left Bridget's letter on the screen.
Hoping Lance was gone for good, she grabbed a chair and began carefully reading the letter. As soon as she completed the first few sentences, she gasped. Her hand fluttered to her open mouth and her eyes began to flow crystal drops of water but she forced herself to keep reading.
To: JLB5479
From: [email protected]
Subject: Arrangements
My Dearest Lance,
I've been missing you terribly since our last visit! When will you be coming back? I hope soon....anyway, I just wanted to remind you that our wedding is approaching very quickly and you still haven't let me know who you want to invite? I know already that you want your family but how about friends? Oh of course, JC, Justin, Joey and Chris but any others? How about that friend of yours...the one who throws herself at you? What's her name? Oh yes, Vanessa. That's the one. I hope you don't mind, but I'd rather not have her attend. She might cause a bit of trouble, if you get my drift.
Despite the lighthearted news, I fear I have some bad also. I just recently had a doctor's appointment and he told me, that instead of 6 months, I have less than 4 months to live. And you know what I told him? I said, I may have cancer, Dr. Blum, but I also have supportive friends and the love of my life and that, sir, makes me richer and healthier than anyone in the world.
I must going now.
WBS
XOXO
Bridget
Vanessa scrambled up and threw the chair on the floor, rushing into the bathroom connected to the bedroom. She leaned over the toilet, feeling as though her throat were about to burst and her insides were about to land in the toilet's water.
How could this be happening? Bridget, dying of cancer? And Lance, marrying her?
A typhoon of scalding hot tears flowed down her cheeks and blurred her vision while violent sobs racked her entire body. This wasn't happening. This was someone else's life. How could something once so perfect and beautiful transform into a wretched mess? Vanessa sat back, leaning against the closed shower door and prayed the floor would suddenly open up and swallow her whole.
Her head swam with dark demons she couldn't see and a million questions hit her like a sledgehammer. Vision of Lance and herself sharing kisses blended with Lance walking down the aisle with Bridget turned into an ongoing movie that she could not shut off.
Vanessa closed her eyes, the sobs louder than the beating her of racing heart.
Love, it was such an awesome feeling. That feeling of invincibility, that you're soaring higher than the highest cloud and over the tops of the tallest mountains, that a tiny piece of heaven has come down to Earth and been given to you.
But the pain that love sometimes brought was worse than third degree burns, worse than receiving a punch to the stomach, for the pain and betrayal love sometimes brings is an eternally lasting burn to the heart.
*~*~*~*
The air was cool and calm, the sky a canvas of an assortment of colors; crimson, violet, navy blue and golden yellow. The sun hung halfway in the sky, reluctant and unwillingly to move, spilling its fiery tips across the sky. Birds chirped unknown melodies as they began settle down the oncoming night and the clouds slowly faded. The sky showed no signs of a storm, though a tempest was brewing inside the minds and hearts of the people on the Nsync tour.
Practice had run later than usual, allowing the guys to have fifteen to thirty minutes to eat, shower and change before heading back to the stage and preparing for the night's performance. Lance had tried to call Vanessa and forewarn her of their canceled lunch date but she hadn't picked up her cell phone, no matter how long he'd let it ring.
Lance headed down the silent hotel hallway and back to his room. She might still be there, waiting for him. He suddenly stopped as Gillian crossed his path. Before she could get too far down the hall, he called out her name.
"Gillian, wait!" he commanded. Gillian stopped and turned around. Her expression wasn't the most inviting, one of annoyance merged with sorrow.
"Umm..do you know where Vanessa is?" he cautiously asked. Gillian frowned.
"She's at the pool," she bluntly answered.
[Why would she be at the pool when Gillian has a show in ten minutes?] he wondered.
"Thanks, Gillian," he replied. He began to turn back around to the elevators, for the pool was on the opposite side of building. But Gillian's voice stopped him.
"Oh and Lance? If I were you, I'd be careful of what you say to her, Vanessa I mean," she advised. Lance furrowed his brow, puzzled to what she meant.
"Uh..all right? Thanks," he politely responded. Gillian stared at him for a few minutes longer before answering.
"Don't mention it."
And before he could get in another word, she briskly marched a few feet down the hallway and into her room. Lance stood, confused for a moment, then shrugged and made his way to the pool.
*~*~*~*~*
So this is odd,
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all, and nobody cares at all.
She could hear his footsteps before he even came within inches of her. She could always tell when he was coming near, he had a pattern, different tones to what he was trying to achieve. This time, he was being slow and careful, as though he were a poacher approaching a sleeping lion. She didn't bother to turn around yet or bother to acknowledge his presence. She simply let her eyes stay locked onto the still waters of the hotel pool.
So he knew she was mad. What he didn't know was that mad was far from what was stirring inside her soul.
"Nessa? Why are you out here? I'm sorry we couldn't have lunch together; practice ran later than I thought. I tried to call you but-"
Vanessa swiftly turned around.
"It's not about lunch, Lance. I read the e-mail. I read it and I know. This lying, these false promises, it's over", she interrupted, her voice shaking.
Lance came closer to her, trying to act confused but clearly knowing what she was talking about.
"I..I don't know what you mean. What e-mail?" he questioned, his eyes darting every which way. Vanessa sighed and ran a hand through her curls. Enough was enough. She couldn't let Lance continue to lie to her. She couldn't keep letting herself fly and then suddenly fall.
Her heart had been broken many times before. And before, she had mended those pieces and gotten on with her life. But this time the wound was too deep to fix and forget about.
So you buried all your lover's clothes and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist in the
hall where you had your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade.
"Lance, you know what I'm talking about! You're damn letter to Bridget! You and her are getting married!" she exclaimed.
Lance came even closer, now only a few inches away from her. It made Vanessa's skin crawl. How could he stand there and deny everything?
"I-"
"Shut up. Just shut up. I already know what you're going to say. You're sorry. Well, I'm fucking sorry I had to let myself fall in love with you!! Sorry isn't going to fix this and a stupid sorry won't make the problem disappear!" she cried.
Lance ran a hand through his hair. So he was nervous. Well, he'd better be more than nervous. He should be more like scared shitless.
So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a
brilliant dance where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.
"Nessa, please, let me explain," he began. But Vanessa was unable to control her rage and cut him off.
"EXPLAIN?! Explain what?! That I'm second best?! That in less than a month you're going to be walking down the aisle with BRIDGET PRAYLEEN?" she shouted.
"Would you fucking BE QUIET for a minute? How can you understand what's going on if you're always running your God damned mouth?" Lance roared.
Vanessa sighed, his rage unfazing her.
"Fine, go ahead. Be my guest. Explain away." He paused, collecting his thoughts.
"Look, I didn't know Bridget had cancer until a few weeks ago. I didn't know, ok? It was the day I had decided I had to end it with her, that she confessed. I was afraid and worried and unsure of what to do. You don't just walk up to someone who's dying and tell them you want to end your relationship. Maybe someone's who cruel and cold-hearted, but you and I know that I'm not like that at all. Either way, I'll hurt one of you. This is the toughest decision of my life. And decisions like that you just don't make in one or two days, Vanessa," Lance calmly explained.
There was a moment of silence before Vanessa spoke.
"But..God, how can I say this without sounding like a selfish bitch?" She gave a sad laugh.
"I always pictured us together, Lance. You and me and the white picket fence and the two kids and the dog. But now that's you and Bridget and the kids. That life is yours and Bridget's and I'm..well where does that leave me? Alone. Watching while the only guy I've ever loved is ripped away from me to someone who probably will never love him as much as I do. I mean, I know Bridget is dying. But I can't help what I feel for you! You're not supposed to help who you love," she reasoned, her voice rising a crescendo with each sentence.
Lance clenched down on his teeth, feeling at the end of his rope.
"Vanessa, I'll always love you, whether be together or apart. I thought you knew that?"
"That doesn't help the situation, Lance! I-I can't do this! I can't look at you knowing you're going to be with her for the rest of your life! And do you know what it feels like? The pain, it's more excruciating than you can imagine...I want to hate you but I love you, and I'm scared and angry and sad at the same time. My world is falling down around me and you're standing here saying Hallmark greeting card shit!" she sharply shrieked, throwing her hands up.
Lance let out a cry of frustrated outrage. Talking was getting them no where.
And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening
and keeping you from sleep. And breathing is a foreign task and
thinking's just too much to ask and
you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.
"Nessa-"
"Don't call me that!"
Lance sighed, suddenly feeling much older than he was. Vanessa gazed into the water, the splashing sound of her tears their background music.
"Why can't you just decide already? Let me go, Lance. You know that's the right thing to do, you know it in your heart. Quit while you're ahead. The sooner you dump me and forget about me, the better. Why can't you just end it already?" she hoarsely pleaded.
Suddenly, Lance stepped forward and tried to kiss Vanessa. But he winced and held back a yelp of pain, as Vanessa's teeth nipped his bottom lip.
"Don't touch me," she forcefully commanded, her eyes holding the fire of a thousand suns. Their breaths mingled with one another, their noses skimming each other's. No one uttered a word. Even nature was silent, as though they were watching a soap opera and clinging onto the edge of their seats to see what happened unfold next.
Before Vanessa had time to react, Lance captured her lips in a mind-blowing, limb-numbing, fiery kiss that seemed to last for three centuries. Lance then broke away, leaving Vanessa silently screaming for more.
Gazing into her eyes, he boldly replied: "You wanna know what I don't end it, yet? That's why. Everything you just felt, I felt. I'm in love with you and when you're in love, it's hard to say good-bye."
Vanessa looked back into his jade colored eyes, her expression blank. Then, without hesitation, she reached out and with all her might, pushed Lance into the pool.
This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable, yes, this is love for the first time.
Well, you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well, this is the last time.
*~*~*~*~*
(Song used in this chapter was "The Brillant Dance" � Dashboard Confessional)
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