Do you sometimes find yourself at a loss for words? Have you ever replayed an experience in your mind and wished you had said this or that? Let me share with you a few tried and true responses that seem to work for me. After using these clever replies a few times, they will roll off your tongue with the grace and agility that leads the listener to believe what you are saying or at least give him/her something to ponder at a later date.
Assuming that you do not wish to converse with an evangelist at your door, try butting in and saying "I have my own church that I do not attend but I thank you for stopping by." Close the door softly, but quickly, before the visitor realizes that you just may have been a perfect target for a short sermon.
Face it. Not all new babies or toddlers are especially attractive. Confound the proud parent by saying, "My, he's/she's one of a kind. Just which side of the family does he/she favor?" By the time the parent decides which parent should take the glory for the offspring's looks, you are free to move the conversation onto safer subjects. Weather, taxes, cost of raising a child, whatever.
Faced with a total stranger who seems to know you? Fish for clues by asking,"How long has it been since I've seen you?" "Are you still at the same job?" "How's the rest of your family?" (This will lead to a lengthy dissertation and give you a chance to plan an escape from the still-unidentified person.) If in a crowd, shift your glance to the left shoulder of the stranger and announce that you see another person you must also speak to. If not in a crowd, reach in your pocket and announce that your cell phone is vibrating and you are expecting an important call. Excuse yourself, press something on the phone, and begin talking. Mouth the words "Bye, bye," and make a beeline for an exit.
Going down a receiving line at a wedding reception? Murmur "My condolences." The euphoric bride and groom will automatically translate that as "My congratulations." Don't tell the happy parents that they have gained a son/daughter. Tell them they have probably lost a tax deduction. With all the people talking, they won't remember who said what!
One of the easiest responses to fake is to the old man of 50 who asks if I remember him from when he was in a kindergarten class I taught back in the Dark Ages. I simply reply, �I only remember the ones who gave me trouble!� (And I hide my astonishment that he isn�t serving time in prison!)
Gifted with something truly atrocious? Wax poetic, label who gave you that eyesore, and pass it on to someone out-of state next year. If this is impractical and you are later asked where the prized gift is, say that it is put away so nothing will happen to it. (Truth be said, it's bagged and stored with your laying-out outfit so it can be buried with you .)
"Your mother wears army shoes" is no longer appropriate as there is a good chance that she's a high-ranking military officer. "You're a chip off the old block" works and leaves the offender wondering what the hell you are talking about!