POOCH SAYS

      Do you often ponder why owners usually talk to their dogs in complete sentences? As an expert in animal communication, I can assure you that dogs understand only nouns and verbs. They have no comprehension of tense, for example. "Did you miss me while I was gone?" is a stupid question to ask. Look around. The dog either ate the drapes up to the window sills or peed in the middle of the carpet to express displeasure WHILE you were absent! They live in the now.

      Why do I buy little dog treats in multi colors? Dogs are color-blind. Good taste buds, though!

      My dentist thinks I should be the source of income to pay his alimony. A few years ago he said, "I'd like to put crowns on four molars." (Sure you would!) I demurred and the subject was dropped until the corner of a molar dropped off in a PB&J sandwich. (The peanut butter was creamy!) New crown in days!

      Having learned a lesson, I opted to finance his next trip to Vegas by having three more crowns installed at 6-month intervals but I didn't tell him. I wonder if teeth read calendars because I needed to be given a royal accoutrement (crowned, you know) in just another 6 months!

      I'm seriously thinking of having a tag day for myself or putting canisters in convenience stores to meet my dental needs. I could hold up a sign at a traffic light saying "Will Work For Teeth." A will-work-for-food sign would be ridiculous because how does one eat with no teeth? I can't survive on booze, you know.

      What force is at work that would compel two light bulbs, installed at different times, to burn out simultaneously? Obviously, the timer on my yard lights had worn out so I replaced it. Dart! I was still in the dark at night. Investing in two 40W bulbs solved my problem. Like-new timer for sale.

     

      Do you ever have to call your cell phone from your land-line phone to find the blasted thing? If it's in a pocket of something down the laundry chute, forget about it until you need clean clothes.

      I know of strawberries, raspberries, and blue berries, but there's another berry out there that drives me wild. The elusive liberry! It doesn't live in dictionaries; it lives only to be mispronoun- ed by t.v. and radio people and the general public. It's got a 'brer' in it as in "Brer Rabbit!" Say it slowly: lie-brer-ee.

      I shall splash soapy water in Ed McMahon's face the next time I hear his spiel for some wonderful bath enclosure where you can relax with water THURAPY. He rhymes it with syrupy! Oh, Ed, Johnny Carson would roll his eyes.

      I'm through thinking for the day.