After 45 years of owning dogs (and having the occasional cat own me), I have become an expert in the dietary needs of canine friends. Forget what the veterinarian wants to sell you; forget the claims on the dog food bags at the grocery store. Bearing in mind that dogs will eat assorted underwear and socks, furniture, carpeting, draperies, woodwork, and recycled protein from the cat's litter box, I can assure you that the following diet will not harm your pet in any way.
Take your dog for a 3-hour car ride. He will be very quiet and no trouble at all. You never ride in the back seat so you will not miss the three sets of seat belts that he has consumed.
In the fall, decorate your home with lovely orange hand-made bee's wax candles. The taste is delicious and your color motif will be displayed throughout the yard in little bright flecks mixed with a more subdued color.
Dogs have a highly developed appetite for folding money. But be assured that the green stuff your mutt has wrestled from its hiding place in the bracing of the marble topped coffee table will be replaced by the bank if he has wolfed down less than 50% of a bill.
Dentures are a definite menu delicacy. As you pick up bits of gum and a few assorted teeth throughout the house and ponder the madness of owning a canine who has devoured a $1,000 meal, remember that the careless, toothless person who placed the dentures within reach was to blame, not the family dog! Besides, the dental lab can work wonders with the handful of scraps that remain.
I do not recommend supplying sunglasses for a dog. If you find only the shafts, you will need to check the yard and collect the broken pieces. (Please wear rubber surgeon's gloves). This will take 3-4 days. When you have reconstructed the lenses and your dog is still healthy, you will know that the matter is passed and past.
Collect the clean, warm landscape rocks that your dog has swallowed and spit up. Return them to the outdoors. They have no dietary value.
Put important paperwork in an inaccessible place. It is embarrassing to return to the doctor's office for a copy of a prescription. He will not believe that the dog ate it and he will note on your chart "Patient is out of touch with reality."
Call me if you have questions. Hang up, though, if the dog answers. He will chew through the phone cord.