Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile; Every 7 minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put
them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy
can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you
don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing
together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and
it shrinks two sizes.
Skinny people irriate me! Especially when they say things like,
"You know sometimes I just foget to eat," Now, I've forgotten
my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I've
never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid
to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control
pills. She has 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't
all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after
I said, " Body how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in
vigrous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
" Listen, you do it and die,"
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing (and then they marry him).
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and
driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a
perfect day!
I know what Victoria's Secret is; the secret is that nobody older
than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around
your neck?