LOOKING FINE ON TELEVISION…
If I had control of
the airwaves, things would be different.
I have matured (marginally) since youthful dreams of media domination,
so I am not going to inflict Isis,
Bigfoot and Wildboy, The Dukes of Hazzard or Bonanza on the world again (the appropriate response is: ‘Thank
you, sir, and may I fetch you the remote?’).
Here are a few ideas I (and doubtless other depraved loners) have come
up with.
Fuzzy Eye For The
Smooth Guy
– In which a group of bearded gentlemen coerce confirmed
bachelors and metrosexuals, by merciless ribbing and bombardment with
counter-cultural slogans, into no longer fearing the fur, fat or flannel.
The guests will be encouraged to consider that a full-laundry-basket
tummy might be as attractive as washboard abs.
In the interest of mitigating evil, the show will be taking mink and
sable coats that have been ripped from animals and converting them into
goatees, beards, mustaches and chest toupees for those who cannot grow their
own, want enhancement or cannot wait for nature to catch up. There will be major sponsorship and product
placement opportunities for the makers of overalls, plaid, baseball caps and
sports jerseys. Lest you think this
will only be about anti-fashion, the queer subjects will be confronted with the
notion that protein can be enjoyed from sources other than the crotch of
gentlemen named Bruce, Chris or Maurice.
To appeal to the alleged fascination with lesbians that straight men are
said to have (this will also be used to combat
the ugly, immature misogyny of gay men), Lea Delaria will make
frequent guest appearances. It is hoped this might draw a dyke or drag
king audience and increase the demographics, but it was largely done because
the producers like her and consider her a good ‘bad’ role model.
International Cult
Idol – This
will be expanded beyond the category of singing, in order to avoid outrageous
claims of imitating other programs. In
the vocal category, however, thrill as panelist Yoko Ono tells a vocalist
who is crooning “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself” by Dusty
Springfield (an otherwise impeccable choice) that, if she was trying to
evoke passion and confusion, she might have wanted to sound as though she did
NOT have a five year plan committed to her PDA. Feel your clumsy fingers tingle with joy as Dot Wiggin and
Jad Fair suggest to a million-notes-a-minute guitarist with a perfectly
tuned instrument that he might want to let the device find its own pitch and
not oppress it so much with HIS needs.
The winner will be signed to a poorly distributed label and will not
achieve international recognition until s/he has given up hope and gone to law
school or overdosed on heroin – at which point the people who are on current TV
‘talent’ shows will claim to have loved him/her and to have owned his/her
records upon release (they will be unable to produce a witness to prove this…).
The
Complicated Life Is Not For Simpletons
- In which the spoiled heiress to an international hotel chain and the more tolerable
daughter of an annoying pop singer from the 80s are sent off to a farm in
Idaho. If they do not do their chores,
they do not eat. If they say they do
not know what Wal-Mart is, they will get jobs as greeters there (as Moe
Tucker said: ‘They like to see their workers smile all day…don’t ask for a
raise or a benefit, or they’ll throw you out the door, and you can call it
quits’). If they try to convince a poor
harried minimum wage worker to give them a discount on groceries because they
are cute, rich or famous, s/he should press the button under the counter and
have security brought in. By the end of
the show, one would hope they would realize why some people think a radical
re-distribution of wealth is called for.
Goodness knows a startlingly similar program on NOW strengthens MY
feelings for the necessity of such action…
“Turn off the TV – you can learn more – try and
do without it.” READ A BOOK by Pylon
“I’m gonna put a hole in my TV set – I don’t
wanna grow up.” I DON’T WANNA GROW
UP by Tom Waits