CELLULITE HEROES
AN OFFICE FUR AND A GENTLE BEN (starring D. Paul and U.R. Sine)
A touching tale of love between a tech support guy and a Bear.
And, yes, I'm aware of Marian Engels' novel "Bear" and of The Onion's touchingly folksy account of ursine rape, so don't bother pointing them out to me.
The radio will be buzzing with the theme song, by John Ashfield and Chris Xefos, "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Bearlong" - assuming that medium still exists, that is.
Shot on location at a Bear Run near you - we're everywhere.
FASTER PANDA CUB, KILL KILL (directed by Cub Meyers, with Fura Steakana, Gay Bearlow and Lou Bearnard; special appearances by Kevin Smith and Seth Rogen)
Three cubs seeking thrills encounter a couple (played by Smith and Rogen) at a Bear Run. After dispatching Smith (they flipped a coin), they take Rogen hostage and begin scheming on an old Daddybear living in Las Vegas with his two 'sons'. Never underestimate Daddies.
Gratuitous nudity and sex. There are bad qualities too.
MIDNITE COWBEAR (with the voices of Jon Voight, Benicio Del Toro and David Byrne)
The inevitable animated cute-bear take on MIDNIGHT COWBOY, with Voight reprising his role as Joe Buck (here renamed Joe Cub) and del Toro as Rizzo, redubbed Frizzo.
You probably think the movie theatre blowjob scene is out of here. Nope - we don't think Socrates did ENOUGH to corrupt the youth.
Byrne voices the pathetic closet case cub - a role he was born to play.
THE FURGITIVE (with Hairy Son Ford as Glenn Winters)
Desperately, Glenn tries to say through the tight tape gag: 'It wasn't me who shot my husbear - it was the one-armed twink!"
Sheriff Tim Ebare, though, just smiles and says: "I know you're innocent. That's not why I have you handcuffed and gagged, boy."
"Then why?" Glenn mmmmphs.
"Well, boy, you got a purty mouth..."
(cue duelling saxophones, as scored by Ornette Coleman, playing an intertwined melody)
THE BEAR WITCH PROJECT (with silly bears who ignore creepy music and didn't read the script as the stars)
A group of young cubs heads out into the middle of the woods. They figure they are safe, as each has a handheld camera, and nothing bad ever happens to horny youth with technology.
They are never seen again - all that is found is shaky Super 8 porn. Kendall, from nearby Buffalo, is a person of interest.
The director and writers also vanish, though there are rumours of an unfortunate sequel, THE BOOK OF SHADOWY TWINKS, which, it is said, kills within minutes of watching.
QUANTUMMY OF SOLACE (with George Lezzybi as James Bearnd)
Yes, by now the plots have grown thinner than Nicole Ritchie (ed. note: THIS is a zing!?), but is anyone really watching for coherent story lines by now?
And, yes, the dirty puns reveal the writers are secretly twelve years old. By the third time James has had to orally extract snake venom from his fellow agent Richard, the obvious quip will inspire mass murder in the audience.
No, the crowds keep coming (a) out of habit and (b) to get a glimpse of handsome, stocky, furry secret agents. This time, the villain is played by Sir Sean Connery, lured back to portray the sinister Godda Lottafurr. Oh, yes, Dame Judith Dench plays Q as a fierce man-hating dyke. Yay!