HOW TO STUFF A WILD BOYFRIEND (OR, THE TROUBLE WITH BOYS AND HOW TO GET INTO IT)
PREPARATION
Secure a boyfriend (they are to be found at meat markets, around public toilets, among pizza delivery boys and TV repairmen, at church, in the military, etc. – the supply is almost limitless, and even larger if you abandon considerations such as taste and quality…).
Secure
said boyfriend (while handcuffs, rope and restraints can be very effective in trussing up your turkey d’amour, things such as words of love, presents and financial intermingling can also work wonders).
While heating him up, the application of a plastic wrap to keep the flavorful juices from getting all over the place is recommended – and it is especially useful if you are inclined, while preparing, to take a taste or two (some say this precaution may be unnecessary, but a careful cook is a safer cook…). If you prefer your cocksucking kitchen a little more lived in, or if you are accustomed to having the same turkey (or chicken – but mayhaps we should not go there…), this step may, of course, be skipped (or so some culinary resources state).
Tenderizing the meat can be nice, with careful kneading and the gentle application of hands to same (perhaps even a bit of a rough application - though not TOO enthusiastically, as the juices may be lost). Your friendly gourmet also recommends the judicious use of ice to preserve the pertness of the overall package – he will definitely be kept lively by this improvisation, and the precaution of first stuffing the mouth will ensure that you will not be distracted from this step by his recommendations about how to prepare him and intimations that the temperature is not quite to his liking at first (if he has any suggestions before hand, you may, of course, take them into account, but he is, in the end, your treat…)).
STUFFING
It is important to keep your bird moist and the pan properly lubricated (but not too slick – after all, while we may want the meat to melt in our mouths (or wherever), it is moot if one is unable to keep it there long enough to enjoy it). There are a number of products on the market for this purpose, and I recommend you speak to your friendly neighbourhood crisis pregnancy centre volunteer to learn about them (or, since I intend to be at least PARTIALLY serious here, a pharmacy, physician, AIDS organization or gay help-line…).
Unlike with a REAL turkey, you should probably NOT reach your hand up into your boyfriend to scoop out the internal organs (I mean, it may FEEL that way, if you are so inclined (I’m not, particularly), but the literal application of such a metaphor might have semi-fatal medical implications…).
Remember to be patient. Neither turkeys nor (most) boyfriends (nor, I suspect, the average bikini) got stuffed quickly. (There are instant stuffing packages on the market, of course – I’m not sure I even want to try and extend that metaphor to the topic under discussion, though some of the devices I saw in various sex shops in San Francisco might be useful for such a purpose; however, they just make my bottom hurt thinking about them (that is, my bottom fella)).
At least initially, some exploration should be done using things other than your, as it were, meat thermometer. I would suspect toys would help (don’t have any myself, other than Lego, which might be appropriate, as my bottom is a Dane…but perhaps not…though a toy brick air traffic control tower…hmmmm…anyway…) – I know that fingers have been fun (using gloves and lubricant) – and I have even tried an activity that causes some people to go ‘ewww’ (using an unlubricated condom cut up the middle, rather than a dental dam) – it was kind of interesting, but it tired my tongue out a lot more than licking cock ever did…I guess with exercise comes endurance… J
While I am moderately pleased to have my guy gagged, bound and helpless as I play with him in an S/M sense (and I can tell, more or less, through the muffled sighs and groans, that it is mutual…), I feel reasonably sure that, at least initially, I would prefer to keep things free so that communication can take place and we can learn from each other what pleases the other, what is painful (in a bad sense), and so on. Later, of course, such elements could be introduced…but I would prefer to keep things on a more or less equal footing to start (which is not to say I do not consider my Boy a human being of as much worth as myself – I am simply speaking in a role-playing sense – of course, some S/M relationships are different, and the parties are always ‘on stage’ – our partnership is not like that…).
COMING CLEAN (ha, ha…)
I will have to be honest and reveal that a lot of this is speculation or book-learning, since our sex life has yet to incorporate butt-fucking. My partner certainly wants it to, and I want to please him, but I would be lying if I said I felt no uneasiness about it. I am willing to try and learn (see #4 under STUFFING), but I have been cowardly and backed out (no pun intended) on more than a few occasions. What can I say? I was raised with the same Freudian shit (I meant the word play THAT time)/body shame/toilet-training-paranoia as most Westerners were. Besides, I may be 34, but I’m still young on the sex scene, and there are times I feel I’m in over my head (again, dirty implications are in YOUR mind, not mine). However, I intend to be with my sweetheart for a long time, and we will grow together and develop our confidence…and what will be will be…(ooooh, how Zen!!)