BAD BEARS (in the negative sense of bad)
WINNIE THE POOH (in a picture taken not long after he disposed of Christopher Robin)
I hasten to add I am not referring to A.A. Milne's creation - only to Disney's take on him. There's something creepy about his superficially blundering manner and insipid yet husky voice that suggests there are heads and other body parts hidden in those hunny pots...
BLUTO (swishing down the street)
I don't mind a bully. As a guy mildly drawn to dominance/submission patterns (I hear you implying dramatic understatement there - don't make me walk that far with the duct tape...), I have to say aggression and pushiness turn me on.
However, just as I like Crazy Harry from the Muppets, but wouldn't want to hang out with a mad bomber, Bluto's rapacious tendencies and sociopathy make him bad news for anything but rough trade/snuff purposes. Olive Oyl would be happier without him around, and the she-otters deserve contentment too.
CARE BEARS (doling out death to ovo-allergic baby suns)
With the exception of the grumpy one, these insufferable do-gooders must be Softened to a terrible end (see further on for an explanation as to why there is a capitalized word in that sentence that would normally merit the wrath of the Grammar Slammer or Bear...). Anyway, why have they NOT encased the Caring Meter in impenetrable glass, given how many times No-Heart or Beastly have meddled with it?
ANDREW SULLIVAN (even if you threaten NOT to torture me with a curling iron, I'm not woofing)
There's nothing quite as creepy as a pro-Bush (to be fair, not in a zombie-like way), Roman Catholic, libertarian-conservative Bear (other than, perhaps, a guilty white liberal Obama-worshipping Bear - but I should be nice to those who think there is a big difference between Republicans and Democrats - at least the latter might call you in the morning after having bareback sex with you).
SNUGGLE THE FABRIC SOFTENER BEAR (doling out flacidity to clothes since the dawn of time)
Another irritating-voiced psychopath. One suspects that what he REALLY wants is to soften clothes by washing them in your blood (which would stiffen them - but try to talk logic to a killer ursine).
And if I have to squeeze your tummy to get you to talk - well, this sounds like a cheap come-on to me...which I usually endorse, but, really, how old IS this bear?
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