--- Zen
"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well."
--- Author Unknown
"A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles."
--- Mignon McLaughlin
"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."
--- William Arthur Ward
"Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand."
--- Mark Twain
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
--- Zen
"Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
--- Author Unknown
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
--- Author Unknown
"Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape."--- Author Unknown
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
--- Socrates
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
--- Author Unknown
"Don't give me any lip, I've got enough of my own."
--- Steven Tyler
"Ever feel like you are diagonally parked in a parallel universe?"
--- Author Unknown
"Everyone has a photographic memory: some don't have film."
--- Author Unknown
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
--- Author Unknown
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
--- George Carlin
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."
--- David Letterman
"Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who got there first."
--- Author Unknown
"Grace doesn't make you gracious anymore than gorging makes you gorgeous."
--- Shane Sorenson Pond
"Grandparents are so easy to operate...even a child can do it!"
--- Author Unknown
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
--- Author Unknown
"He who laughs ... lasts."
--- Joel Goodman, EdD
"How do I set my laser printer on stun?"
--- Author Unknown
"Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place."
--- Mark Twain
"Humor is the hole that lets the sawdust out of a stuffed shirt."
--- Author Unknown
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
--- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he had read about the effects of smoking that he gave up reading."
--- Henry G. Strauss
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who havn't got the guts to bite people themselves."
--- August Strindberg
"I love to perform before a live audience, performing before a sleeping audience just doesn't have the same buzz."
--- Comedian Unknown
"I seem to have lost my voice... if any of you see it running around, please return it."
--- Unknown
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. he said I was being rediculuos -- everyone hasn't met me yet."
--- Rodney Dangerfield
"I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car."
--- Unknown
"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."
--- Unknown
"I was strongest when I laughed at my weakness."
--- Elmer Diktonius
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work."
--- Eugene P Gallagher
"If we are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy."
--- Unknown
"If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it."
--- Zen
"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. If you really make them think, they'll hate you."
--- Don Marquis
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
--- Mark Twain
"If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you're not a conservative at forty you have no brain."
--- Winston Churchill
"I'm a self-made man, but I think if I had it to do over again, I'd call in someone else."
--- Roland Young (1887-1953)
"It's a small world... but I wouldn't want to paint it."
--- Steven Wright
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
--- Jerry Seinfeld
"Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away."
--- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
"Laugh at yourself, before anyone else can."
--- Elsa Maxwell
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."
--- Victor Borge
"Learn from the mistakes of others --
you can't live long enough to make them all yourself."
--- Martin Vanbee
"LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience"
--- Ambrose Bierce
"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."
--- Mark Twain
"Moderation in all things is an extremist's statement."
--- John E Pidge
"Never say 'whoa' in a mud hole."
--- Cowboy Proverb
"Never squat with your spurs on."
--- Cowboy Saying
"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity; but then--we elected them."
--- Lily Tomlin
"Nobody ever died of laughter."
--- Max Beerhohm
"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool."
--- Author Unknown
"One good thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people."
--- Unknown
"One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one."
--- Ann Landers
"...one nation under surveillance...."
--- Author Unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark too read."
--- Groucho Marx
"Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to."
--- Author Unknown
"Some people treat their brain like the good china...they put it away and only use it on special occasions."
--- Unknown
"The bible [Proverbs 17:22] says,'...a merry heart doeth good like medicine,' so jest for the health of it."
--- Unknown
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
--- "Jack Handey"
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire."
--- Zen
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him."
--- actual quote from accident report submitted
to an anonymous insurance company
"The person who would like to make his dreams come true must stay awake."
--- Richard Wheeler
"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action."
--- Author Unknown
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
--- Bill Waterson (in Calvin and Hobbes)
"There are no illegitimate children - only illegitimate parents."
--- Leon R. Yankwich
"This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances."
--- Gracie Allen (1906 - 1964)
"Time wounds all heels."
--- Jane Ace
"Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held his ground."
--- Author unknown
"What happens when none of your bees wax?"
--- Unknown
"When all is said and done far more is said than done."
--- Author Unknown
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
--- from actual employee performance evaluations
in a large US corporation
"Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying; but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"
--- Lily Tomlin
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?"
--- Barbra Streisand
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"
--- Author Unknown
"Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit."
--- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You can't have everything, where would you put it."
--- Author Unknown
"You can't spell 'crap' without 'rap'."
--- Author Unknown
"You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing."
--- Author Unknown
"You have the right to remain silent. Any thing you say will be misquoted and used against you."
--- Author Unknown
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
--- Dave Barry
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