Chapter: 3

Pairing: Ian Mckellen/Sean Bean

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Following their brief sexual encounter, Sean avoids Ian for a month. When Sean finally reaches out, Ian tries to get to the bottom of things, but their attraction for one another makes it difficult.

It wasn�t as though they had had sex. They had only really exchanged handjobs. Well, Sean had finished in Ian�s mouth, but that was purely a matter of neatness. These things did happen, from what Ian heard, even among men who didn�t normally have sex with other men.

There had been kissing, of course, and each man had desperately proclaimed his wish that they have sex. Still, it was probably best to take with a grain of salt anything one said when a man�s hand was around one�s cock. What wouldn�t he have said at that moment, if it had occurred to him? Then again, Ian�s hand had been nowhere near Sean�s cock when the big man had expressed his desire to fuck him. Beyond that, they had been standing on opposite sides of the room when that desire was said to have bloomed.

Ian put down the copy of The Fellowship of the Ring that he had been staring into. Reading glasses tucked snugly into the crook of his thumb, he rubbed at his closed eyelids with the tips of long fingers and decided that it had probably been well over a half an hour since he had actually read a word of the book. Since then he had been staring blankly, trying unsuccessfully to downplay the significance of his affair with Sean, and of the effect it had had on their friendship. It had been nearly a month since their encounter in the makeup trailer and they had not once spoken away from the set. Worse, it was only after he had gone alone to the opening of The Importance of Being Earnest that Ian had learned from Viggo of Sean�s solitary attendance the same night. He found it difficult to gauge his own reaction to what they had done without Sean�s to compare it to, but the big man seemed reluctant to speak to him. There were any number of possible reasons for Sean�s hesitation � Ian had seen them all before � but it was difficult to make an accurate guess with so little information. Should he sit back calmly and wait for Sean to figure things out for himself? Should he push, hoping to break through that last barrier of fear and show the younger man that such relationships could work out after all? Did he even want that kind of relationship with Sean? He certainly wasn�t pining over him, or thinking wistfully of him when syrupy love songs came over the public address system at the corner store. It was difficult to deny, though, that he missed his company, and liked the idea of sitting comfortably beside him on a couch, or cradling the big man�s head in his lap on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

All of these things could have existed just on the edges of platonic affection, could have slotted into a chaste, if uncommonly intimate, friendship. No matter how he tried to rationalize it away, though, he couldn�t deny the sexual attraction between them, and the more he tried to understate it the more ridiculous he felt. He could still taste Sean�s cock in his mouth and he could still hear the big man grunting hoarsely in his ear,

�I wonder how much noise you�d make if I took you back to my trailer and fucked your brains out.�

The phone rang. Ian started guiltily, feeling as though someone had caught him doing something inappropriate. He reached for the receiver and snagged it with just the trailing two fingers of his right hand. Fumbling, he pawed at the thing as it seemed to make a concerted effort to pitch itself onto the floor. Having finally regained control of the object, he thrust it to the side of his head with a thump.

�Hello?� he said. There was silence and then the hesitant clearing of a rough throat. �Yes?�

�Hey, Ian.� The idea that Sean�s voice rumbling from the other side of the line could actually make the telephone receiver vibrate was absurd. Nonetheless, Ian found himself incapable of shaking it.

�Sean.� He breathed the word in a sigh of relief, anticipation, and vague dread. No matter the outcome, contact outside of work was a definite step out of the rut their strained relationship had found itself in. Human relationships were complex and delicate things, though, and it was sometimes hard not to stare ahead at all of the ways, both subtle and tragic, that they could twist and fail.

�Are you busy?�

�I� No, I�m not.� Ian pressed a knuckle to his pursed lips.

�I wanted to come over, but� I thought I should call first. Do you mind?� Sean�s speech was slow and deliberate, as though he hadn�t slept recently or, more likely, Ian thought, he had had something to drink. That wouldn�t help matters, but with some force-feeding and a cup or two of coffee he could no doubt be reasonably sobered.

�No, no of course not,� Ian replied hastily, and then added, �I�m glad you want to.� There was a pause before Sean�s voice drifted across the line sounding self-conscious and hesitant.

�Okay. I�m going to hang up now.�

�Yes, all right.�

It couldn�t have taken more than fifteen minutes for Sean to reach his trailer, even on foot, but Ian had trouble filling the time. He put on a pot of coffee and fussed around in the cabinets for something edible, drawing out a box of butter crackers and spreading a few of them across a plate. After slicing a proportionate amount of cheese, he laid it neatly over the crackers and set the plate out on the coffee table in the living room. There were eight minutes effectively spent. Now what? He sat on the couch and smoothed his slacks. He stood and adjusted pillows. He pulled at a thread poking out of his shirt cuff. Having been in a state of relatively constant anticipation for nearly a month had put Ian on edge. As the possibility of resolution drew nearer, he found himself increasingly unsure about what to hope for. The wheels were turning, though, and the time for pre-meditation had passed; he would have to play it by ear.

A knock came at the door. He straightened his collar. If this was going to be the moment of truth, it was best to face it with a straight collar. He welcomed Sean inside with as much grace and serenity as he could muster. The man looked less disheveled than Ian had imagined he would under the circumstances, although he had obviously not spent the last fifteen minutes obsessing over stray wisps of hair the way Ian had. It was with a strange sense of d�j� vu that the older man struggled to discern what the appropriate form of greeting might be; was a hug in order? A handshake? A polite nod?

�I�m glad you decided to come,� he said, clasping his hands together tightly to keep himself from wringing them. The big man stepped closer, his bearing unmistakable, and Ian watched him warily, as someone keeping his eyes on a dangerous animal.

�I haven�t stopped thinking about you for five minutes out of the last month, Ian,� the big man breathed, closing the space between them and looking over him with hazy, searching eyes. Ian swallowed hesitantly and took a step back, finding himself against the wall next to the door. Sean would have to be reined in quickly or all hope for controlling the situation would be lost.

�I�ve put on a pot of coffee,� Ian said hastily. �Why don�t we sit down and talk?� Grimacing, Sean made a clumsy, frustrated gesture with one hand as he placed the other against the wall next to Ian�s head.

�I don�t want to talk, Ian. What do you think I�ve been doing all this time? I�ve been trying to figure out what the fuck to say to you.� Ian�s eyes flitted quickly toward the big hand planted just above his shoulder and then down at the broad chest only inches from his, seeming to pin him with its tension and heat. Sean bore down further, filling the older man�s nostrils with the scent of scotch and musky cologne, and his lips hovered near Ian�s ear. �I thought of a million things to say and not one damn thing that made any sense� and then I thought about what you said. You said you wanted it. I want it, Ian.� Before Ian could react, there were hot lips on his throat, pressing and drawing down softly before parting to make way for a steamy, wet tongue. The strain of worrying, of wondering, of hesitant regret that had filled Ian and wracked his nerves for nearly a month gusted out suddenly, in a soft groan.

�Sean, no�� he murmured distractedly, running his fingers through the big man�s hair and struggling languidly for a grip on this short tuft or that one. Sean�s tongue whisked across his adam�s apple and the involuntary shudder of pleasure that resulted served to jar him to his senses. �No.� His voice was firm now and so were his hands on the big shoulders in front of him. Sean backed away, his brows knitted with frustration and helplessness, and Ian took the opportunity to slip over to the coffee table and scoop up his cigarettes. What shaky situation could those little devils not mitigate? Fully absorbed in the act of withdrawing a cigarette, lighting it and tucking the pack safely away in his trouser pocket, Ian blessed Sir Walter Raleigh for giving him something to do with is hands, something to do with his mouth, and something besides Sean to look at.

�I�m going to go.� Ian looked up to see Sean shuffling toward the trailer door and rubbing at his forehead dejectedly. He cleared his throat, regarding the man evenly.

�No, you are not going to go. You are going to sit down and we are going to talk.� Obviously intending to protest, Sean met Ian�s stern gaze willfully, but after a few seconds he gave in and slumped down on the couch. Ian sat stiffly beside him and tucked himself against the armrest, taking a deep breath. Smoking cigarette still between his first two fingers, the older man leaned forward to pick up the plate of cheese and crackers from the coffee table and swing it toward his companion who was slouching a few feet away, obviously engrossed in his own thoughts. �Here, have a bite to eat.� Ian�s voice softened as he watched Sean stare mutely at the offering like a child waiting to be punished. He had taken firm control of the situation to keep Sean from leaving before things had been resolved, but they would have to scramble back onto equal ground if anything of value was to be accomplished. �Come on love, this will go better if you�ve sobered up a bit.� With a quiet sigh, Sean accepted the plate grudgingly and picked out a cracker. He took a few pensive bites and it became obvious that he didn�t intend to be the first to approach the issue.

Ian took a slow drag on his cigarette and frowned at the armrest he leaned against. When he spoke he did so hesitantly, carefully.

�Here I'd been thinking that you considered what we�d done to be a mistake� Now I�ve no idea what to think.� As he watched, Sean swallowed a piece of cheese and looked over at him.

�I don�t know what to think, either. I haven�t, the whole time. You probably assume I'd never done anything like that, but I have� more than once.� Ian�s bushy brows rose and he leaned forward quickly to ash his cigarette into the tray on the coffee table, his gaze never leaving the big man at the other end of the couch. It was true; he had assumed that their affair in the makeup trailer had been Sean�s first homosexual experience. Now that he thought about it, though, Sean had been aggressive, confident, sure of what he wanted � not impossible qualities for a man on his first hop over the fence to have, but definitely rare in Ian�s experience.

�You�re right, I did assume that. I also assumed that your reason for not speaking to me afterwards involved some sort of sexual identity crisis. All of that assuming on my part hasn�t gotten us very far at all, I�ll admit, but you really haven�t given me much else to work with.� Sean let out a gusting sigh and tipped his head back briefly as he ran a hand through his hair.

�I�ve always� had those sorts of feelings, but I decided a long time ago that it wasn�t going to be my life, that it didn�t fit what I wanted my life to be.� Taking another drag on his cigarette, Ian tried to keep his expression neutral, but there must have been a twitch, a faint wince as he listened, because Sean hastily added, �That must� that must seem insulting to you. I don�t mean it to be.� Ian forced a pacifying half-smile and shook his head. He understood, better than Sean probably imagined.

�But you still act on your feelings, sometimes� apparently. Does this happen every time?� Ian studied the way his fingers cradled his cigarette, half burned away. He felt awkward and stiff, as though Sean were a hundred yards away and they were shouting back and forth with courteous professionalism. The dread that he was becoming a mentor, a friendly guide, and that whatever peace or revelation Sean was headed toward would happen too late to apply to their relationship stole in and weighed Ian down into the couch cushions.

�No� no.� Sean leaned forward and slid the cracker plate onto the coffee table deliberately. �Usually, I run the other way when there are people about that I actually� like. It makes things simpler.� Ian couldn�t help feeling a rush of compassion. The situation was so common and so intimately familiar.

�I haven�t always been the way I am, you know. Well, I�ve always been /that/ way, but I haven�t always been so comfortable. You must know that. I didn�t pop out with a flag in my hand.� Sean smiled softly at that and Ian found that he was smiling as well. The big man quickly sobered and he licked his lips before speaking.

�Honestly, I think the reason I was afraid to be around you was because� I was afraid that I really did like you as much as I thought I liked you.� He looked down at his hands for a moment before hurrying to add, �Of course there was also the possibility that you weren�t really� interested� but I didn�t want to know that, either.� Sean shrugged, with a rueful half-grin. Reaching out and placing a gentle hand on the big man�s knee, Ian sought those intense green eyes and held them as he said slowly,

�I won�t lie to you, Sean. I am very fond of you and if things were to work out that way I would like very much to find out exactly what that entails.� Sean�s gaze fled Ian�s scrutiny at first, but he quickly steeled himself and raised his eyes to meet the older man�s crisp blue ones. As they stared at each other, Ian saw himself in every facet of Sean�s emerald irises and all he could think of was how terribly reckless his profession had been, how impossible it would be to have a relationship with Sean in his present state, and how he hadn�t really known how much he wanted it until he�d said it out loud.

Without breaking eye contact, Sean suddenly scooted across the couch until he was sitting so close to Ian that they were nearly touching. The older man�s breath caught and it was all he could do to suppress the urge to lean into the large warm body beside him. He mustn�t get distracted; although it had been a relief to hear that Sean had romantic feelings for him, and to express his own feelings, nothing had really been resolved. Half out of an urge to flee and half out of the realization that it had burned completely down to the filter, Ian leaned forward hastily and stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray. As he sat back and tried to think of how to push the conversation forward, to try and work them into something resembling a tenable position, Sean kissed him. It was a tentative kiss, full of a kind of controlled longing which had been absent from their first affair, and it melted Ian despite his best efforts to remain composed. He found himself yielding, first allowing himself to be kissed and then kissing back, even as his mind raced through all of the reasons why they ought to stop. A hot tongue danced across his lips, begging entrance, and he opened his mouth, even as his brain insisted that this would only complicate things, that he had no assurance that the aftermath would not be similar to, if not worse than, the aftermath of their previous coupling.

A soft, warm glow washed over him as they kissed, and he brushed his fingers lightly over the short, fuzzy hair at the side of Sean�s head. It tickled his fingertips and the pressure of his caress increased as he forgot everything outside of the way the younger man�s lips felt against his and the way every meeting of their tongues sent an erotic tingle through his body. As Sean nipped his lower lip lightly and then trailed his kisses outward, over the curve of his jaw and down his throat, Ian sighed and let himself be carried away in sweetness, in delicate pleasure. It wasn�t until those kisses became hungrier and shirt buttons were undone to clear their determined path that he roused himself from his blissful haze. He grabbed Sean�s hair just in time to stop him from enveloping an already-firm nipple in the wet heat of his mouth and he pulled gently so that he could look him in the eye. In the seconds it took him to compose himself enough to speak, Ian was infinitely aware of how his cock had hardened in response to the stimulation and how it strained against the zipper of his slacks. Yes, he wanted it.

�Sean,� he panted softly, blinking hazily into fiery green eyes. �If we do this� it can�t be like the last time.� Sean winced and his eyes flitted away from Ian�s, roaming searchingly over the room.

�I�m sorry about what happened last time.�

�I don�t want to make you feel sorry, I just want you to promise me that, whatever happens, you�ll still speak to me in the morning,� Ian murmured gently. Sean cupped his chin in a big, soft hand, his thumb brushing lightly over Ian�s lips.

�I promise.� That one assurance was like a free pass. Ian could return Sean�s kisses, slip his fingers underneath the younger man�s shirt to caress his firm, tufted stomach, and squeeze his muscled thighs through tight denim; any hesitation, any doubt could be silenced with a simple, /�We�ll talk about it in the morning.�/

They enjoyed each other languidly for a while, with Ian draping one arm across the back of the couch and resting his other hand gently atop the big man�s head. Sean kissed his throat and his slender shoulders, licked delicious paths across his collarbone, and Ian couldn�t help sighing with lazy pleasure. When Sean fastened his lips over a hard nipple and swirled his tongue across it, making Ian hiss and arch his back, though, the tone of their attentions changed. Ian�s fingers pressed into the younger man�s head, urging him to increase his stimulation of the tight little bud and Sean complied almost instantly, nipping it with his teeth and sucking in earnest. Ian groaned and squirmed helplessly on the couch as sizzling trails arced out from his chest and washed over his whole body. The gratification was so fleeting that he could only tangle his hand free hand desperately in Sean�s shirt in the hope of driving him to keep his attentions constant and to continue on indefinitely. Even the tiniest pause left him feeling empty and maddened with desire for something more substantial, the itch only worsening with every scratch, and soon his nipples were so tender and over stimulated that he had to wrench Sean�s head away from his chest. Sean was panting heavily as he rose up and looked at the older man through intense, hooded eyes. Ian knew what they both wanted, had spent the last month running explicit reels in his head of all the ways he could imagine being fucked by Sean, but some lingering doubt made him hesitate to move past the heavy petting stage.

Sean, though, had no such doubt, and he proved it by moving his hands to Ian�s belt and beginning to undo it with deliberate haste, his eyes never leaving the older man�s flushed face. Ian shook his head even as he failed to resist the urge to thrust his hips upward.

�I refuse,� he began, pausing to pant a bit and pull himself away from Sean�s probing fingers and into a shaky standing position, �to try to have sex on this couch.� The younger man grinned smugly and rose after him, dragging Ian�s dangling shirt the rest of the way off of his shoulders and discarding it thoughtlessly. Spinning the older man quickly so that he could embrace him from behind, Sean murmured hotly into Ian�s ear,

��S just as well. The bed springs will probably hold up better considering what I�ve got planned for you.� Despite the utter seriousness of the way his erection throbbed and his skin crackled all over with pent-up erotic energy, Ian couldn�t suppress a low chuckle. Sean in the throes of a bout of sexual bravado really was adorable. One of the man�s big hands planted itself across Ian�s chest to hold him steady while the other hand wandered lower, sliding through the fine hairs sprinkled over his lower stomach. It only stopped as the fingertips, having delved beneath the elastic waistband of Ian�s briefs, met wiry pubic hair and Ian�s own hand laced their fingers together to hold Sean�s still.

�Do that and we won�t make it in there,� Ian grunted wryly, with a minute jerk of his head toward the open doorway leading to his bedroom. Sean�s rumbling chuckle made him squirm and ache.

�I didn�t realize you were in that much danger of going off.� Ian glanced down at their joined hands as Sean tested his resolve, pressing downward and finding the way blocked by a tightening grip.

�I am,� Ian murmured, twisting out of Sean�s grip and going to stand coyly in the doorway. The younger man�s challenging smirk was answered by his own wicked grin. �Distinctly.� It was an exaggeration, but a harmless one. He wasn�t in any actual danger of having an involuntary orgasm from one touch to his cock, however hard and desperate it felt, but he did want this to last, and teasing, pulling away, giving them both time to cool down just slightly would make it all the more delicious when Sean did finally plunge inside him.

Once inside Ian�s bedroom, Sean�s fervor made short work of their clothes. Ian soon found himself thrust with gentle firmness onto his back in the middle of the bed. He tucked an arm behind his head and smiled lazily as he stroked Sean�s chest. The younger man ground his cock against Ian�s as he leaned down to kiss him slowly, deliberately. Teasingly, Sean�s tongue wandered into Ian�s mouth and retreated just as the older man raised his head to suck at it.

�Tease,� Ian murmured with mock irritation. He shifted his hips, grinding their erections together again and sending a shiver of longing through both men.

�Pot. Kettle. Black,� Sean grunted, planting a kiss on a different part of Ian�s throat after each word. Ian shuddered and clutched at the younger man�s shoulder with one hand as the other slipped lower to wrap around his heaving cock. It felt hot and alive in his hand, as though it sought it own ends with or without the complicity of its owner. He stroked it gently and Sean let out a low growl. Dropping his head, the big man watched as Ian guided his cock forward and brushed it lightly across the join of his own thigh. It had been too long. There had been some steady dinner companions and the odd dalliance, but it had been over a year since he had actually made love. Ian�s skin burned wherever Sean�s prick touched it, and suddenly all he could think of was feeling that living, throbbing burn inside him, filling him and brushing repeatedly against the spot that made him see stars and forget his own name.

�Fuck me. Please,� he breathed as he let his head fall back against the bed so that he could watch Sean�s face from under hooded lids. The big man thrust into his fist and leaned in to nip at his bottom lip.

�Where�s your stern headmaster now? Hmm?� Sean�s throaty rumble made Ian swoon, but he fought his way up onto his elbows to look down his nose at his new lover with taxing, affected firmness.

�Fuck me. Now.�

�That�s more like it,� Sean whispered hotly as he surged forward, plunging his tongue inside Ian�s mouth. The older man moaned around its length and kissed him back for a few seconds before pulling away to scramble higher on the bed, up toward the nightstand. Sean planted a playful kiss on the inside of his knee and then crawled after him, his eyes bright and mischievous. By the time the big man was over him again, Ian had already snatched a bottle of water-based lubricant out of the top drawer of his bedside table. Sean smirked at him. �Somebody�s prepared.� Ian snorted and raised his chin.

�One has to be prepared when one is in such high demand.� Ian held the bottle between his thumb and forefinger and offered it to Sean with exaggerated ceremony and a sly grin. Planting a hungry, sucking kiss at a painfully sensitive spot along the column of Ian�s throat, Sean caught the bottle as it tumbled from limp fingers. Ian was just trying to fight his way out of the haze of sensation and desire to warn Sean to use his fingers first when he felt a slick digit probe the ring of muscle between his peach-downed cheeks. With a gusting sigh he shifted on the bed and let his eyelids droop closed. Again Sean proved himself to be more adept than Ian had imagined. A combination of that reassurance and his own wealth of experience allowed Ian to relax completely as the younger man twisted another well-lubricated finger inside of him, stretching him easily.

�God, you�re so fucking hot, Ian,� Sean whispered, his breath searing the bare skin of Ian�s thigh. Hitching his hips forward, the older man was briefly aware of being thankful that he was so ready - ready enough to accommodate his lover�s obvious eagerness. He had expended so much energy trying to force his thoughts away from the big man above him, from the musky smell of him, and from how his thick, hard cock would feel inside of him that now he was not at all opposed to moving at a much faster pace than he normally adopted.

When the fingers carefully but quickly withdrew from his body he had only a moment to exhale his disappointment at the feeling of emptiness and loss before he felt a cautious pressure against the opening of his body. His eyelids fluttered open and his eyes glazed as the bulbous head of Sean�s prick pressed into him. The big man rested his weight on his forearms and eased himself in gradually, grimacing with the effort it took him to hold back. Ian stroked Sean�s face tenderly, reveling in the intent expression there and willing himself to relax.

There came a mutual exhalation of relief when their hips met and Sean�s erection was finally buried to the hilt. Ian closed his eyes and listened to his heart beating as his body adjusted to the welcome but stressful invasion. He could feel soft breath and light kisses on his cheeks and forehead and he smiled languidly. When he was ready he opened his eyes, which sparkled wickedly, and slipped his legs around Sean�s waist. With that encouragement, the younger man began to move his hips, drawing himself out and pressing back in gently. Ian felt owned and wanted, and the slippery friction was thrilling, but it wasn�t enough. He wanted to be taken, to lose his mind and drown in submission and sensation.

�I may be old, but I�m not made of glass, you know,� Ian murmured huskily, flashing a cheeky grin and wrapping his arms around the big man�s neck. Something glinted brightly in Sean�s eyes and the big man�s brows twitched as he withdrew himself smoothly and thrust in again, harder this time. As Ian watched he imagined he could see his new lover�s inhibitions falling away with each stroke. His attention was roughly dislodged from those intense green eyes, though, when that magnificent prick struck home inside him. With a full body shudder, Ian arched off of the bed and the grip of his right hand migrated blindly up the back of the big man�s neck, clenching hard. Sean sobbed chokingly and the force of his rhythm increased until he had to cling to the bed sheets to keep them both from inching toward the headboard.

It was sublime to be so full and so full of sensation; the smell of the man�s musk and sweat filled his nostrils, the sounds of his groans and growls filled his ears, the taste of his tongue lingered in Ian�s own mouth, and the most intimate part of Ian�s body was full to bursting with Sean�s needy, pulsing cock. His own cock, for its part, seemed to be doing what it could to thrust itself against the big man�s stomach, although Ian himself could hardly focus enough to notice it. Every rough jab against his prostate made him moan and whimper and clutch more tightly at the man above him until it was all he could do to remain conscious, so completely did the pleasure overwhelm him. All too soon, though, Sean began to shake and gasp, and his pace faltered. His orgasm came in a hot rush, possessed of a seemingly infinite momentum. Ian felt it in a real and tactile sense � felt the prick inside him swell and the searing gush of semen coat the tight passage that joined them � but he also felt it emotionally, washing over him in a sudden staggering wave. It was this second sense, more than the first, which finally deprived him of the last vestiges of his own control over his body and any desire he might have had to maintain it. He came explosively, his body bowing and his hands flailing upward to wrench the bed sheets in knots above his head as he gave a desperate groan and spasmed, shooting everything he had in spurt after blistering spurt between their stomachs.

Ian was still trembling when Sean collapsed on top of him. The big man�s harsh breathing was upset in brief bursts as he planted smacking kisses over any of the flushed, sweat-covered skin he could reach without moving. Mindlessly, they shifted against each other, and Ian shuddered again at the slick brush of a thigh against the now over-sensitive underside of his softened prick. When the jolt had receded, he grinned with lazy playfulness.

�You�ve done this before,� he murmured. Sean slid a big hand up along the bed until it made contact with the side of the older man�s damp head. He brushed his knuckles above Ian�s ear clumsily and toyed with the wet hair there, not bothering to raise his head as he rumbled his reply.

�Mmm� well, not what you were doing.� Ian pressed his head into Sean�s fingers and ran his own fingertips languidly along the big man�s stubbled jaw.

�Oh? Pity.� He felt the twitch of a thick brow against his chest.

�D�you think? Would you rather we�d done things differently?� Ian�s eyes rolled slowly in his head as he exhaled a lazy half-chuckle that came out as a single, stuttering puff of air.

�Not at all, believe me. No, the pity enters into it because� there is no way that I could� adequately describe what it is that you�re missing.� Sean nuzzled at his neck and he closed his eyes. As his sexual urges had been completely sated, the pleasure of the sensation became entirely tactile, the pleasant meeting of soft with soft.

�I don�t know� the look on your face went a long way toward illuminating it, I think. Well, I imagine.�

�What did it look like?� Ian felt himself becoming more lucid as curiosity took hold. He tried to shift under the big man but the drying of their sweat and his semen between them made it difficult. Sean obligingly raised himself onto his forearms and Ian took the opportunity to scoot back so that his head was resting on a pillow. His new lover followed and soon they were lying side by side and looking into each other�s eyes.

�You were gone, Ian� I mean, you were really in another world� When I came I was thinking about you, and how amazing it felt to be inside you� how I hadn�t meant to come before you and that I was going to stay with it, do whatever it took to bring you off after that� and I was thinking�� Sean paused and his face contorted, for one tiny second, in an almost imperceptible grimace before he continued, �But you� when you came it was like you weren�t thinking about anything� I don�t know, you were like this� primal� being� like all of you was there and in that moment, with that feeling.� He shook his head and grinned ruefully, his eyes never leaving Ian�s. �I�m not at my most articulate at the moment.� The older man smiled softly and leaned forward, pressing his lips against Sean�s and initiating a lazy kiss. He skimmed his knee over a thick, muscled thigh before withdrawing as slowly as he had engaged. �Nonsense. That�s as coherent a description as I could have given. Moreso, I think. You will remember that I warned you of the impossibility of describing it properly,� Ian murmured with an affectionate wink as he drew the bed covers up and slid under them. Sean followed suit and soon they were nestled comfortably in each other�s arms, warm now, and largely content. Something nagged at the edge of the older man�s mind, though, and, against his better judgment, he decided to mention it. �Sean� you were going to say something else before, but you stopped yourself. Obviously you had some reason for the omission and if that reason is a solid one, I�ll understand, of course, but� I can�t help wondering.� An uncomfortable grunt came from above Ian�s head and sent a rumble through the broad chest against which the older man had pressed his cheek. For a while there was no response and Ian waited patiently, letting his eyelids droop until the clearing of a rough throat disturbed the air around them. When Sean spoke his voice was soft and hesitant.

�I was� going to say that when I came� just� just for a second� I thought, �What would Mum say if she could see me now?�� The big man snorted derisively, then, and fell into brooding silence. Ian felt a burning clench in his chest and he had to blink a few times and inhale gustily through his nose to recover. When he spoke he did so gently and with extraordinary deliberation.

�What would she say, do you think?� Ian held Sean more tightly in anticipation of whatever venomous thing might enter his new lover�s mind at the question�s prompting. As expected, the large body tensed and shifted slightly in his arms.

�You mean assuming she could choke something out before she fell over?� The younger man�s voice was thick with bitterness and resignation. It tore at Ian�s heart and he had to bite back the urge to succumb to his own grief, such a perfect mirror of Sean�s. Yes, he had journeyed far through harsh climes and come out whole and strong, but part of him was still the strange boy, the confused adolescent, the terrified young man who could never have imagined acceptance.

�You have� considered the fact, I imagine, that no mother would be thrilled to actually see her son in that position, regardless of who was lying under him.� Pulling away from him, Sean rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Ian winced inwardly, fearing that the man�s withdrawal from his embrace was as much emotional as it was physical.

�Yeah. I know� it�s just�� Sean thrust a hand into his hair and growled softly, shaking his head in obvious frustration. �This is why I don�t do this� it becomes this huge horrible mess. At least the other way I only ever really feel like I�ve failed my family� and, you know, everyone else who wants me to be normal.� The big man turned his head and when Ian looked into those pain-filled green eyes he saw that they were shining brightly with moisture. �This way� God, Ian! I feel so ashamed to say any of this to you! This way I�m failing them /and/ you, and I don�t even feel like I�m worthy of your sympathy for any of it. How could you sympathize, after what you�ve done? I feel like a sex addict complaining to a priest about how hard it is to go a week without fucking anyone.� Sean grimaced and looked back at the ceiling. With a deep inhalation, Ian drew himself up onto one elbow so that he could look earnestly into the younger man�s face.

�Being what you are isn�t any sort of failure, and as far as sympathy is concerned, I can go you one better; I can empathize.� Sean�s expression softened and his brows knitted together. Ian pressed his advantage with a gentle, guileless chuckle. �If you had met me twenty years ago you wouldn�t have such misguided notions about me and my supposed infallibility. Whether you choose to believe it or not, I have been almost exactly where you are right now. Granted, I was always a bit more concerned about the consequences of someone finding out that I was gay than I was about the idea that I might be doing something that was fundamentally wrong, or that I might somehow be betraying someone� but I really do understand� to the point that, although the possibility that you might not be ready for a relationship upsets me, I can�t hold it against you.� Having finished, Ian lay down again, this time on his back, and sighed softly. They maintained a pensive but companionable silence for several minutes before Sean�s soft rumble ended it.

�Well. My way of doing things hasn�t really gotten me anywhere I can say that I enjoy being.� Ian glanced briefly over at the big man next to him, one brow arched quizzically.

�That much does seem clear.�

�And you�re happy with where you are. Right?� Ian folded his hands on his stomach above the bed covers and a tiny grin tugged at the corners of his mouth.

�Yes, I am.�

�Right. What do you say to giving this a try, then?� Sean rolled over slowly and drew a big arm across Ian�s chest as he once more came to nuzzle against the older man�s neck.

�This?� Sean gestured lethargically.

�Us.� It had been too long since Ian had been a member of an �us�. Something distinctly butterfly-like fluttered in his stomach. He swallowed and frowned.

�You�re not just trying to make up for having �failed� me?� Sean sighed deeply.

�You know I�m fond of you, Ian. I�ve broken all of my rules for you.�

�I�ve broken all of my rules for you, too.�

�Well, there you go. We�re in it now.�

�Yes, I suppose we are.�

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